_ kelly

__ohsovain @ 2007-04-04T15:43:00

2007-04-04T19:54:13Z

I have been requested to update, so here it goes. What's new? Well, I cut and colored my hair again and it looks totally rad. My California trip was cancelled due to my mother being a cunt from hell. Ka is back to being my best friend. I'm leaving for PA tomorrow to see my Katiekins. Lynn and I are back together as of April Fools Day. =] I couldn't be happier with that. It's really nice to be with someone and have this.. unconditional love for them. Understanding of their past, and acceptance of everything, good, bad, and in between. We worked on everything we had problems with last time, and it was hard, but we got through it. Bottom line..I'm in love. Life is generally going really well.

I passed my Psych test today with flying colors.

Whitney called me out of the blue yesterday while I was at the library with Lynn and kind of made me like.. want to run into oncoming traffic. I don't think I hate her anymore, that's what it made me realize. I'm more or less just.. feelingless when it comes to her.

But now it is time for my nap, because.. well.. IT IS DAMMIT. =]

Love you's.

__ohsovain @ 2007-03-18T14:18:00

2007-03-18T18:33:51Z

Ever have that gut wrenching feeling in your stomach that you hate so badly who you are, who you've become, how life is.. that you honestly contemplate ripping yourself apart at the seams and tearing every fucking living piece of you out.

I talked to the friend today. (You always get a lecture from the friend) and it wasn't half as bad as the other's I've been through. At least she didn't threaten me like most. It was just sad, how two people can hurt eachother so much..

I can be told "She's difficult" or "I hate the way she acts sometimes" but it's NOTHING like that. I LOVE the way she acts. I love everything about her except one. So, when I came to that conclusion, I did my best to love her regardless of that one thing, because the good was so much fucking better than the bad. But it's not in my nature to ignore the bad completely. It dies, and then rebuilds. Only to cause me to fucking LASH OUT like a maniac who's been holding a secret in for too fucking long. I don't know what to say anymore, let alone what to do, what to think. I can think of two solutions. One which would hurt us both (stop talking, cancel flight, pretend the other never existed, etc.) The second, ask her to choose. It's just really hard to do such a thing when you don't think the person will choose you. Even if she said "I can't choose," that would be choosing for me, and I'd feel like giving up. Because I've been there, I've been there a lot longer, a lot more, and quite honestly I'd do it for her. How do you ask someone to fucking PICK YOU? It feels like that's what I've been asking all along, and time and time again she hasn't. It's heartbreaking, really. To never feel good enough, to feel like the cold hearted bitch all the fucking time, because the second you start to actually FEEL something, it eats you up until you choke on air and memories, and lies, and tears.

I'm an emotional fucking trainwreck.

Care to know the best part? Last night.. went to go get drunk and have sex with someone I've never even heard of.

FUCK CRYING FUCK IT FUCK THIS FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK.

I have to go to Belmar soon. Fake smiles and multiple trips to the car for cigarettes it is.. I'll take my camera, there's probably still some snow on the beach.

I'm sorry that all my posts are becoming music lyrics.

2007-03-18T18:16:54Z

I
I always thought that I knew
I'd always have the right to
Be living in the kingdom of the good and true
and so on

but now I think how I was wrong
And you were laughing along
And now I look a fool for thinking you were on, my side

Is it any wonder I'm tired
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right

Sometimes
It's hard to know where I stand
It's hard to know where I am
Well maybe it's a puzzle I don't understand

But sometimes
I get the feeling that I'm
Stranded in the wrong time
Where love is just a lyric in a children's rhyme, a soundbite

Is it any wonder that I'm tired
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right
oh, these days
After all the misery you made
Is it any wonder that I feel afraid
Is it any wonder that I feel betrayed

Nothing left inside this old cathedral
Just the sad lonely spires
How do you make it right

Oh, but you try
Is it any wonder I'm tired
Is it any wonder that I feel uptight
Is it any wonder I don't know what's right
oh, these days
After all the misery you made
Is it any wonder that I feel afraid
Is it any wonder that I feel betrayed

__ohsovain @ 2007-03-18T01:20:00

2007-03-18T05:30:39Z

You Are Fairly Skeptical

You're not the type of person who will fall for anything...
But you do keep your mind open to all sorts of possibilities.
You figure that anything could be true. After all, the world is a strange place.
However, you're going to need some convincing before you can believe in aliens or reincarnation!

How Skeptical Are You?

You Mostly Have Your Emotions in Check

Sometimes your emotions get out of control, but you usually are a pretty stable person.
You can find a lot to be happy about, as long as things are going your way.
But if a few bad things happen to you, you tend to go in a bit of a downward spiral.
Luckily, you usually come out of it okay and no worse for the wear.

Can You Keep Your Emotions in Check?

Well, at least that's comforting.

Your Androgynous Name Is:

Rae Zane

What's Your Androgynous Name?

Hm. Cute.

Time to rest my eyes.

But first.. A YouTube vid that I got from Malika.

"You yourself are at the center of it"

2007-03-17T19:43:26Z

I'm going to give myself a heart attack one day.

Maybe I truly am my own worst enemy. Cynical, paranoid, untrusting. It fits.

How to fix the situation? Disassociation?

Perhaps.

..And it's like a battlefield all around me..

I'll go wherever you will go.

2007-03-17T19:19:01Z

Last night was so fucking NICE.

Some people just fit.

"What do you want Kell, what do you want out of life?"

"You think I can't see how unhappy you are on a daily basis, you never believe me, but I see you for who you are, and who you always have been. Your face says untouchable, but your eyes give you away."

"You're going to heaven"

I cannot be cold, cannot be stubborn, cannot lie, cannot hate, cannot put my walls up.

I just don't want to hurt anymore.

LJ saves old entries? I don't remember when I wrote this.

2007-03-17T19:12:18Z

Well, it didn't start off so great. I was talking to Anthony last night for the first time in what feels like forever. We talked about a lot of things. I miss the boy like crazy, as hard as that may be to believe. After all, our history goes back 5 years. He is an amazing person, and as much as I laugh at his crazy stories, I still trust him. When he called me in the summer and told me all the things he did, I was confused and in a lot of shock, but it was comforting to know that after all these years someone who really knows me, good and bad, still loves me as much as he does. It gives me hope that maybe I'm not such an awful person after all.

Anyway, so I had a horrible dream about him last night. He died and I was the person to find him, and I woke up hysterically crying. I called Lynn and talked to her about it, got into a little argument but I think things will be okay. She's always been an amazing friend and as much as I want to sometimes, I can't imagine not having her in my life. So, Lynn if you see this. Thank you for everything you ever meant to me, and everything you still do.

Okay, so now for the great part of today. I feel like I'm back to being me. I'm in an amazing mood. I made myself a healthy breakfast, went to the gym, and even went tanning! The idea of me being ridiculously pale in Cali freaks me out. Lol. Although, I put on the bronser and now I have a bronze line on my arm because I didn't see that I didn't rub it in all the way, haha. I bought thin mints from the girlscouts outside of 711. Nostalgia get's the best of me. =] Then I went to blockbuster and saw Felix <33 My amazing cigarette guy. He might show up to do Stage Crew with me tomorrow. Turns out I've missed two days already! Wtf. Jamie left me a message but I was really confused and didn't understand what it said, so I deleted it. But I'm so excited to get back into it. Last year was so much fun and I made a lot of great friends there, let's hope this year is the same! =] It'll be really good for me to get back into my old habits. I rented The Departed at blockbuster, can't wait to watch it =] I wanted to see Man of the Year but they didn't have it. Anyone see it yet?

And in roughly hour I'll be at the movies with Mikey <3 who I haven't seen in over 3 years. We met through Shea, and hung out a couple times. I watched his old band and him play a couple times, they're awesome. So, I'm really excited to see him again.

"I've taken all I can take
And I cannot wait
We're wastin too much time
Bein strong, holdin on
Can't let it bring us down

My life with you means everything
So I won't give up that easily
Blowin away blowin away
Can make this something good?
Cause it's all misunderstood

Well I'll try to do to it right this time around
It's not over,
Try to do it right this time around
It's not over
But a part of me is dead and in the ground.
This love is killin me
But your the only one
It's not over. "

I'm a huge fan of Relient K.

2007-03-08T00:15:41Z

This one goes out to my bestest Danika. I love you Snookz.

New MySpace song lyrics:

"I've dug up miles and miles of sand
Searching for something I can't see
And I've just got bruised and battered hands
And a brand new void inside of me
Complete with walls I did create
From all the earth that I've displaced
A mess that I have made from what
I've just let pile and pile up
I have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need

Explore the cave that is my chest
A torch reveals there's nothing left
Your whispers echo off the walls
And you can hear my distant calls
The voice of who I used to be
Screaming out "someone, someone please
Please shine a light into the black
Wade through the depths and bring me back

I have not been abandoned, no I have not been
Deserted and I have not been forgotten

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need

When my hopes seem to dangle
Somewhere just beyond my reach
You say you've heard my prayers
And read my words there on the beach

I need you
I need you here
I need you now
I need security somehow
I need you
Like you would not believe
You're the only thing I want
Cause you're everything I need"

Dentist's suck. They tried to book my next appointment, but I'll be in Philly in six months so I have no idea what I'll do. It felt so surreal to say that I'll actaully be gone in 6 months. I'm tweakin'

I don't want to wait, for our lives to be over.

2007-03-07T19:57:56Z

I don't want to grow up anymore.

I don't want to deal with death anymore.

I don't want to figure myself out anymore.

I don't want to read into things more than they should be.

I want to be happy, and content without feeling suffocated.

I want to know what I want.

RiP S.G. & A.M.
03/07/07

What's the big deal with sex?
Why do some people choose carefully who they sleep with and who they don't, and others are careless?
In the end it's just a big circle, and ultimately effects everyone.
I don't want to know numbers anymore.

I'm tired of being so afraid of commitment, that I'd give up honesty and trust.

I can look back on a lot of my relationships, whether or not I still talk to the person, or if things are done and over with completely, and smile. Because, I tried. If things didn't work out, it was for a reason. But I did everything I could to make it work, so I don't feel like it was for nothing.

I should keep doing that, I suppose.

I'm rambling.

Katers I hope you're feeling better.

I have a dentist appointment tonight. Let's hope the roads clear up..

Dido.. lol

2007-02-24T16:05:13Z

If you gave me just a coin for every time we say goodbye
Well I'd be rich beyond my dreams, I'm sorry for my weary life
I know I'm not perfect but I can smile
And I hope that you see this heart behind my tired eyes
If you tell me that I can't, I will, I will, I'll try all night
And If I say I'm coming home, I'll probably be out all night
I know I can be afraid but I'm alive
And I hope that you trust this heart behind my tired eyes
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I won't try and try
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I can't live my life
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I can't cry
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I won't fly
I know I'm not around each night
And I know I always think I'm right
I can believe that you might look around
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I won't try and try
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I can't live my life
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I can't cry
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I won't fly.

Lynn look it's a public entry!

2007-02-24T04:47:35Z

Your Ex is Histrionic

Your ex is hot and cold - a total drama queen or king.
Your ex can't survive without tons of dramatics, attention, and approval.
People with histrionic personality disorder are inappropriately seductive, prone to rapid mood swings, and rash decision makers.
Sound at all familiar?

What's Wrong With Your Ex?

rofl.

__ohsovain @ 2007-02-13T21:02:00

2007-02-14T02:39:58Z

Here it goes:

Heart on the floor, spotlight on me.

I've been in love.

I've had heartbreak.

I thought it would kill me.

It never did. But that feeling, so numb, desolate, alone, untrusting. It never left me. Not for a second. As happy as I've been in the last year, with everything and feelings just washing over me.. my heart was torn and never fully mended. I gave myself a year, at least I thought I did. Now, I'm not so sure I gave myself any time at all to really breathe, focus on myself, and let life play it's cards how they're intended, rather than trying to get what I want, what I think feels right.

If there's one thing I've noticed, it's that I'm never right.

I've gone through relationship after relationship, changing, molding myself into the person that people wanted me to be. Putting my heart into changing for THEM, and never truly changing for ME.

And then I met her, the Jack to my Rose Dawson, the Annabelle Lee to my Poe, the Noah to my Ally. Every love story ever written, brings me back to memories of her. I've compared everyone in my life, to the way she was. The way we were. I'd have given my lungs to her if she couldn't breathe. And she crushed me, so hard, and so deep that I've never been the same. I wasn't really sure if I was into girls at the time, and I was afraid to act upon anything. Then she showed up, and I lost all my inhabitions, all my insecurities. I was at a part in my life, where I was ready for love. I was ready for everything we had. The good, the bad, everything. I wanted to know her, I wanted to see her, raw, skin ripped open, sutures undone, nothing but emotion and honesty. She never let me see her. There are moments where I think I did, I got to her. She ran away and never went back to leaving herself open. And I guess observationally, that's how I've learned to deal with my emotions. Never has that standard been dropped because I know it now, as well as she always has, to me, she was the epitome of everything I ever wanted, and could ever hope to love me back. I met her once.. less than 24 hours. I think part of the reason if not the encompassing reason as to why I wrapped myself up in life with her, was because of who I was when we started talking, and who I became over the course of knowing her. I was working outside with people I didn't know, comfortable in my own skin, and having fun. My grades were at an all time high. My friends were amazing, Matt and I would talk for hours during the day, I'd see him at my locker every morning, and every night I would speak with her. We'd talk about books, existance, everything that I always wanted to talk to someone about, her and I would connect on. We didn't share all of the same opinions, and had very different views, but I respected her more than anyone I ever have. Katie and I weren't speaking, and at that time, I doubted we ever would again. Anthony had broken up with me on Christmas, and I swore I wouldn't leave my heart open to be hurt like that again. But I suppose deep down, I wanted him to hurt me, I wanted her to be there for me. I wanted my heartbreak, to bring us closer. It did. I remember the way she spoke, and the funny way she used to laugh at how girly I could be. She was charming in a way that took my breath away, and always will. She sees the good in people, and yet constantly focuses on the bad. People walk all over her, and I swore I never would, but after months of perfection, I suppose I did as well. I took her for granted, and I've never regretted something more. With all I am and all I'll ever be, I'm sorry. The winter months were hard, she was there to talk to when Jess died, and no one else in the world cared to understand. She saw something in me, that I wish I could have seen, that I wish I still had. Maybe it was blind innocence, or something I can't even describe. But over the years she watched me change, trying to help me, trying to make me understand that where I was going wouldn't help me, it would only lead me to a place she'd been, and never wanted me to be. Well, I should have held on to her, instead I let go.

When you hit rock bottom, all you can do is try to climb up. And so, since September 1st 2005, I've been fighting a losing battle trying to get back to where I once was. At the top of my game, the top of my love, the top of my life, where I thought I had all the answers, and wasn't scared to fall head first into the future.

I think I realized today that my whole outlook on trying to get up has been backward. I've been looking for love, hoping that if I fell in love, all the other pieces would fall into play. WRONG.

Time for a new game plan.

Work on my life, work on school, on getting my friends back, on moving and starting fresh. Work on feeling nothing, and getting back to who I was before it all came crashing down.

I wasn't a hard person to love. I'm not surprised at all she fell in love with me. I'm not surprised she fell out of love.

I was doing better, I was looking forward to my senior year, getting ready to apply to colleges. I thought I was at a part in my life where I was ready again. I should have waited. Lynn would have waited I think. I should have waited until I was sure, and I was healed, and I was back.

When I reach that point of comfort in being alone, that's when I can let someone in. I need that security in independence. I keep clinging to other people. I went to Anthony in hopes that 5 years hasn't changed anything (wrong again) I turned to Jess, because since things weren't good with her, it made me feel like things were better with me. I went to Ka, who makes me feel like I'm not alone, I'm not the only one. Lynn, who trusted me, when it was probably the hardest thing in the world for her to do.

I need to say goodbye to Anthony once and for all. Leave him in the past, that's where he belongs. Fix things with myself before even attempting to help Jess. Be alone, completely. If Ka is there now, she should be there in a couple months. If she's not, then she was never really there at all. And somehow, become the person who's worth trusting.

When all of that is done, maybe then and only then will I be able to forget about Whitney. When all of that is done, maybe then I'll fall in love and hold on.

Lessons in life are there for a reason. To be understood, felt, and so we do not repeat the same mistakes.

Email from her to me:
Sometimes I miss you, and miss being stupid and naive, and miss having my best friend as my significant other, and knowing someone knew me inside and out and still wanted me.

But then I realize we've both grown up, grown apart, and we have enough trouble just being friends, and that anything more would never work in these times.

It was lovely while it lasted. Never let me fool you about that.

My Response:
You know, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss being with you too. However, I agree that we have changed. A lot of times it's for the good, and sometimes it's for the bad. I'm uncertain as to how I've changed but I think you have for the good. I couldn't have pictured in a million years that you would be the way you are today from who you were a year ago, or rather what I knew about you a year ago. Dating made us closer, states closer to be exact. I wouldn't trade what we had for the world, but at the same time something inside me tells me that it won't ever be again. It makes me pretty damn sad, but it's better to have loved and lost, right?

I know that we can work our way up to that best friend status we once were at if we put our arguments on the back burner and just learn to enjoy each other again. Easier said than done, I know.

Reading through those conversations brought up a lot of feelings that were forgotten, and made me smile like you always used to make me. It was nice, and I appreciate you taking the time to send them to me.

Anyway, I left you a voicemail which I know you hate getting voicemails from me, but oh well. Call me back whenever you get the chance.

Love you.
<3Kells

Kells.. she made that nickname for me. She never called me back btw. I guess it was for the best that she didn't.

I am not in love with her. I was, and I want to feel the way she made me feel with someone who won't be afraid to show me who they are, inside and out. All I ever wanted was to get back what I put in.

I look at that picture, and it's hard to believe that was me. I was so fucking confident.

They're hysterical.

She's beautiful.

She started stripping... randomly... I helped... hah =]

There's another picture of us that Sam took, with the word "perfect" on it.

We were.

I'm not looking to replace her.

I'm looking to go back to who I was, and maybe even become better than who I was.

All my life I've been faced with choices, and right now, I'm choosing me.

This post as mainly been about Whitney, and I guess it's sort of because it feels like I owe her the world right now. Whoever thought that by not speaking to me for months, could actually make me understand better than all the months of countless talks?

The end.

__ohsovain @ 2006-02-16T20:07:00

2006-02-17T01:08:22Z

I'm in stage crew. w00t.

This will mean I will have no time until next Monday. Not the one coming up, the next one

Friends only, sorry.

2004-09-11T23:38:48Z