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[21 Aug 2008|02:41am] |
generally upset. i'm sick of being independent and destructive. i just want someone to hold me in bed for one whole day and make me not drink and make me strong. but i don't have anyone like that in my life.
i don't think i'll ever be ready for a relationship. how can anyone love me like this?
i'm getting so "close" to certain people, but right now i feel far from things, from the truth, from st. olaf, from my family. i'm anxious and frustrated (my dad is sleepwalking right now. and the night is so beautiful) but everything will change once again in ELEVEN DAYS. I'm going to miss danielle more than before.
right now, i think i'm spiraling downward again. i dont seem like it. i dont exactly feel like it. but i think i am.
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[18 Aug 2008|02:07pm] |
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consumed by alcohol
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[12 Aug 2008|04:50pm] |
Alright. So I called St. Olaf today to figure out this mailing situation (since I live so far away and I'm flying to school, I have to send a lot of things by package there, and I need to make sure they know that and don't forward it back to me) and hearing the Minnesota accents made me so happy. I was so scared to come home and face people whom I thought would dismiss me from the past mistakes I made; instead we're getting closer. The other night I was annoyed with the people I was with because they we're all acting like assholes towards me--and then they all apologized the next day. Maybe it's growing up, maybe, I don't know.
But the diversity at home... nothing else makes me feel so complete. I don't know what it is about it, it shouldn't be a big deal, it is the 21st century, but, this country still has so much racism and so many borders and boundaries.
Also last night was a strange microcosm and picture of a timeline. So many friends I have known for so long and yet how we have all changed and grown up. Our interactions are different. Now when we have problems we're able to actually talk to each other about them. Last night I had this conversation with Ben and I realized how trapped we can all be by what we think is the right thing to do, but we need to let go and do what makes US happy. Yasss yasss, making others happy is important--very important, we can't be 100% selfish or assholes, but we can't be held back from the past or from others. It's our own life and we need to live it for ourselves. I hope he realized that.
So, my heart is in two places. And that really feels okay. I'm getting ready to leave and now I really know I'm leaving important things/people behind.
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[12 Aug 2008|02:17am] |
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i will miss teaneck
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[09 Aug 2008|03:31am] |
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i didn't leave because i was too high or too bored; i left because i was annoyed. every human experience is the same (and yes i'm too stoned). but because nights like this teaneck annoys me. too obsessed, too drunk, too the same.
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[07 Aug 2008|10:21pm] |
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alcohol and weed and work. thats it.
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