Aelita Stones

It frightens me to think that it's also so fragile...

More later.

I've been feeling rather faint today.... Gym class was difficult to bear for this fact.

Not to mention that I got yelled at for the first time ever for falling asleep in Algebra. *sigh...* This is not fun...

Jeremie has been avoiding not just me, but all signs of life lately, due to the fact that he's come down with some sort of contagious illness. And, while I do not complain to having to spend my time almost entirely with Ulrich, Odd, and Yumi, I can't help but feel a small sadness in the pit of my stomach. I love my other friends, but Jeremie is my best friend, and it's a tad bit disorienting to have to do without him so much.

Especially because everyone else seems to have things to do and places to be except for me; Yumi goes to the pool just about every afternoon, Ulrich has soccer practice, and Odd... well, he's got a date about every five seconds.

I should really get myself into some after-school activities... Like, drama, maybe? I'd probably be good at it, considering how I already bore you all half to death with my endless ramblings here on Live Journal.

...Anyway, my head has been hurting all day... I think I'll try to get some sleep, or at least lie down for a bit.

I just woke up from another nightmare... :(

Goodness, will this head of mine never stop tormenting me? I am utterly exhausted right now, yet I am quite afraid of falling asleep...

Let this horror end soon... All I want is to be happy. Am I being selfish in wanting this?

Oh goodness, the past few weeks have been an utter blur of... well... everything. Emotions, thoughts, and some very scary Xana attacks...

But I kissed Jeremie. That makes up for it. :)

This is ancient history for you all, but I thought it would be worth noting that I have finally come to live on Earth, and for the most part, I love it... There have been times where I've felt... I don't know. That's all in the past, I suppose, but still...

Let's just say, Sissi is not an exceptionally welcoming person... :/

Anyway, I've been enrolled in Kadic Jr. High, of course. In fact, it was in this capacity that something very interesting occurred that got me interested in a genre of music called techno. I became the main DJ of the 'techno party' this year (an interesting creation of the student body, though apparently mainly instigated by Odd and Sissi) and it was quite exciting minus a few rather unpleasant details that I will not mention here for fear of certain people reading that that I would rather they did not.

In any case, I'm getting somewhat tired... I think I'll slip into my PJs and get some shut eye for the night. :)

Aelita

I came across this and I found it intreguing:

Click here.
Take the quiz.
Post your results.
( See __mystery_girl_'s results. )

I'll write a real entry later. :)

I think it's what would be known as a psychological disease for a human to have the desire to terminate another human's life. Though, it happens all the time, people killing other people. Love, hate, indifference, these are all feelings that can drive one over the edge.

In this sense, I sympathize with Xana. There is so much in the world that is horrible. People die all the time for unjust reasons... Children, women, men, everyone. Those who die, we cry for, and those who kill, we hate. Yet we are killers in ourselves. Everyone wishes someone would die at some point in their life, I think. Sometimes, people even wish themselves dead. And sometimes, they make it happen.

I have heard of such things before. Suicide, self-termination... call it what you will. I've never understood it before. Perhaps because I was not programmed to feel angry or sad (and sadness, I believe, is really just anger that a person turns on themselves) and therefore I never wished to die. Of course, if it were a choice between me living and millions of innocents in the real world meeting a gruesome end, I'd trade my life for their's, hands down. But in living each day wishing I could draw a breath of real air, feel the rain fall on my face whenever I want, like so many were lucky enough to be born with these pleasures, the thought that one would want to end all of that seemed so strange... if not downright selfish.

I have seen the violence and the lies the world is overcome by. I have seen tears... even felt them myself. I have witnessed grief and anger, yes.

I am truly sorry, Odd, that your mother was one of those killed by terrorists in London. I cannot claim to understand myself what it must be like to be in your position... but I can imagine it. And I'd cry if I could.

Yumi visited me yesterday... it was quite pleasant. We walked around the mountain region mainly, chatting like nothing was wrong.

I noticed that when I hinted at the issue with her father, she seemed to quickly change the topic. (But perhaps I'm reading too much into it...)

We shared many laughs. She chased me around when I suggested something to do with... Ulrich and her, though it was good-natured fun. Finally she caught me and taunted me about Jeremie, but unlike her I am unembarrassed to be as close to him as I consider myself to be, so she really had nothing on me. ^_^

(Except for, perhaps, a metal fan. But she *wouldn't* *dare*. ^_~)

We talked a bit more after that, but then Yumi said she had to devirtualize herself. And she did.

I have to say, though... as well as I believe the visit went, there was a certain... feeling.... underneath of everything else. Maybe it was the look in her eyes. They looked.... different. Strange. She's been beaten and destroyed... by one that she was brought up to trust with her life.

I suppose what I should really be asking is how she could contain herself. I wouldn't be able to handle the feelings in me if I were her... the feeling of betrayal by one you love.

I did feel somewhat better after seeing her again, finally. I guess that's what really matters.

=Aelita

Everyone's been doing this, so I thought I might as well too. :)

( Read more... )

My visit to earth was certainly... interesting.

Jeremie and I just walked around and talked most of the time. That's what we usually do, and it's always very pleasant; but this time it seems there was a reason for my visit beyond just seeing Jeremie and the rest of them in real life for a while.

I became frightened, hearing all about what was going on. That Yumi's father has been doing what he has. I don't know much about parents, obviously, because I haven't got any of my own. But I do know that they are the ones that are to guide their children through their hardships... To smile, with them, cry with them, laugh with them; to scold them when they do something bad.

What could possibly... bring a father to do this to their child...

After hearing everything my stomach contorted into a knot and I couldn't bear it. I didn't know I was crying until I realized I had flung myself onto (poor) Jeremie and was sobbing hysterically. We had to sit down together so I could get control of myself. Finally, I was able to wipe the wetness off my face and ask Jeremie what we were to do.

He said he wasn't sure. So I'm not sure, either.

But I didn't get to see Yumi at all during my visit. And I felt just awful stepping into the scanner to go back to Lyoko. Like I was abandoning her, somehow.

Now I'm sitting in the tower. With no sense of feeling here, I obviously cannot cry.

But I can still feel terrible.

+Aelita

Well, the last few days have been wonderful! Jeremie and I have been working diligently on my materialization and virus eradication. Xana won't be able to keep me around for long! I'm so... happy. Yes, happy is the word to describe this feeling. :)

Tomorrow I'll be visiting Earth for a few hours. Jeremie and I have planned it all out! It will be fantastic! I can hardly wait! (Though you could probably tell as much from my energetic enthusiasm. ^_~)

I'm in a place where I can hardly sit still. Since there is no sense of touch here in Lyoko, I've been feeling rather constrained and anxious. But very excited and happy. And I am always eagerly awaiting Jeremie's return so we can talk and work together. In fact, we've been doing that almost non-stop for the past few days. I've had to kick him off so he could sleep (literally... I had to disconnect the uplink between his computer and Lyoko once because he was so tired but refused to sleep). *Teehee*

Oh, but... *sigh* I'm so excited. I just can't wait. It'll be bliss to be back there, finally. :)

Oh look, Jeremie's back. Better go. :D

{
read.document.AELiTA++
}

Please, please no one else blaming themselves for what happened. It was bound to occur one day (the odds were very much against us the whole time!) and ... no one feels this loss more deeply than I do.

But please, the only way we can get through this is to try and move on.

So no more. Please no more.

~Aelita

I think I just felt a pulsation...

Jeremie...

I feel a sadness right now.

It hurts.

Humans... they fight with each other... they kill each other... they make each other feel pain... for what purpose? I feel so... stupid for not understanding.

Actually, I never thought about it before now. I didn't know about war. I didn't know what it was to "kill" someone.

But I see such pain, even when it is not being inflicted by a "gun" or a "knife" or some other sort of those horrible "weapons" I have learned of. And I'm seeing some right now.

In front of me.

And there's nothing I can do to make it better.

Ulrich and Odd.

I just want everyone to be happy.

But they never truly are.

And it makes me unhappy.

And I just don't know...why...it has to be like this...

[/Aelita]

I can't tell you what it was like... worrying for days at the strange lack of contact between Jeremie and I... and then to sense him in this world with me.

I was surfing the web once and found a description of something called "fireworks". They are both dangerous and amazing things that you light on fire, and then they fly up into the clouds and explode in a burst of colorful sparkling fragments. I've never seen fireworks, but, even so, that's what I felt like... like somewhere inside of me there was an explosion of color, and I could hardly believe my eyes.

He stumbled backwards when I threw my arms around him, and I landed on top of him. His cheeks turned red, something that I've noticed has happened in the past as well. But I giggled and apologized, and then I helped him up. And he then explained everything to me... how he got here, and why. Valentine's Day? Such an interesting concept. I will be sure to research the holiday further later.

I must have seemed so strange to him, jumping and laughing... and I seemed very strange to myself as well. I've only felt like this once before... the time when I was first materialized into the real world. It feels both amazing and awkward at the same time. Amazing because, well, that's the only way I know how to describe it. Awkward because it is such an unfamiliar feeling.


We spent our time together holding hands, and I showed him all around Lyoko. All four regions. He seemed utterly stunned by this world that he's never actually seen for himself. I admit it was rather cute; I've never put much thought into this world beyond a certain extent, and yet he was so fascinated with details that I would never have considered.

But more than that, he seemed interested in me. And that, I must say, gave me the best feeling of all. <3

I showed him the inside of the towers that I use to move from region to region, and he seemed horrified at first at the fact that you have to jump off the ledge to move to the next place. But I grabbed his hand, and we fell to another region.

We spent most of our time in the forest region. We sat in the trees together, and we laughed and talked and told stories. It was... as some might say, bliss.

But eventually the time came that I had to say goodbye to him. And it felt... as if I'd never see him again after that. I wanted very badly to express my sadness somehow, but in a way that I didn't know. Of course I'd see him again, but... it was different. I want to be with him always, and whenever we speak with the glass separating our two worlds it's just not the same.

I kissed him goodbye, not on the cheek like I usually do, but on the lips this time. His cheeks turned red again, and he smiled in a way that made me want to grab him and hug him and claim him as my own. Though, of course, I knew that sadly I couldn't, not right now, anyway. Jeremie had to go back to his own world then. :(



...I realized just now that I've been taking breaks in between sentences here to lie down and grin and sigh and remember being with Jeremie. And I realized also that I'm getting much more grinning and sighing done than of writing.

So I will go now.

But... Jeremie...

Thank... you... so very, very much for today... it was simply... amazing. :)

>> Aelita >>

I'm sitting in the mountain region now. I must say, this, next to the forest region, is my favorite place to be here in Lyoko. Here amongst the mountains, it is peaceful and misty. Though I feel no physical sensations, it makes my stomach tingle. I know I've seen all of this before, and in the past it has bored me, but I suppose I've never actually considered the beauty of this world I am in. It is really rather spectacular.

Yumi came and talked to me at the factory today... other than her, I haven't been in contact with anyone for more than a day. I suppose that is fine. Jeremie needs to stop obsessing over this anti-virus; I fear that if he continues, something bad will happen to him. It... bothers me, I admit.

I haven't seen Ulrich and Odd in what seems like an eternity. I am sure they are both fine, and Odd is just "getting into trouble" once again. I still have questions about "getting in trouble", but it looks like they won't be answered. Ah well. Life goes on.

As for Yumi; she seemed fine, if not a little sad. We made small talk mostly, but I did ask her what she thought about souls. I know everyone must think I'm so silly for questioning something like that over and over again, but in all honesty, it is my favorite topic to think about.

I guess there is not much else to say now; and so this is where I will leave off.

>Aelita

Yes... a soul. What is a soul? I've heard of them before... my dictionary defines it as "The animating and vital principle in humans, credited with the faculties of thought, action, and emotion and often conceived as an immaterial entity."

What does that mean? I am animate... I can think and feel and breathe, at least, when I'm on earth. I know of emotions and I know of so many other human things. I am concious, and I have free will, or so I should think.

Does that mean I have a soul, like real humans? Am I like all other people in the world? I have not done anything but ponder this for such a long time now. And that, I know, is because it fascinates me so to entertain the thought that I, too, am human. Am I though? I was created, not born, to the best of my knowledge. I've lived in Lyoko all these years as a mere computer program.

But am I not just a computer program? Is there something else inside of me, something that has lived in my programming since my "birth" but has only just been awakened? I want to learn more about this part of me. I want to know if I have a soul or not.

A*e*l*i*t*a

Since Jeremie's most recent attempt at creating my anti-virus, I've been thinking quite a lot.

I have decided something: no matter how bad things get, I will refuse to let them hurt me anymore. I have met four wonderful people, all of which I would be willing to die for. I don't want any of those people to be sad or angry... and I've been so selfish in wanting to be happy myself at the expense of my friends, Jeremie especially.

I used to feel as if I were in a cold, dark place where no one could ever help me. I used to wonder what my purpose is, who I am, and what force has allowed me to break away from my own tiny, emotionless world, and into being something no one would ever think possible... from being a something to a someone.

It doesn't pay to be unhappy. Perhaps I don't have all the answers I crave, but it doesn't matter, because no one truely knows much of anything that I have wondered about myself. That, most of all, makes me believe that no matter what allowed me to be who and what I am today, I do have a purpose, though if I don't know what it is.

Even if I fall into the deepest, darkest, coldest place of all, I will always look up and see a light above.

< Aelita >

Well, for those of you wondering, Jeremie didn't find the anti-virus.

I'm not sad for me, just for him, because he's really depressed over all this.

I didn't mean to hurt him so. Honest....

Aelita*

Well, I do wonder about this strange and sudden "power failure" that I read about yesterday when trying to access LiveJournal.

Strange that this should occur just days after I get involved with the site... perhaps there is a connection here?

But then, why would Xana wish to keep me off of a blogging site for a day? Is he toying with me?

Questions, questions. But, after contemplating the situation further, I have come to the conclusion that it does not really matter anyway, and therefore I do not care.

+++

Jeremie and his friends are gone again, leaving me to myself. I'm trying to be entertained by stepping off the platform in this tower and updating LJ with my mind, which was fun for a while, but now I just wish there was someone here to talk to.

Sigh...

~~*A*~~

Jeremie and the boys are gone, and I am alone.

Lyoko is so... boring now. I know every inch of it, I've tread every path many times before. Distant landscapes remain the same. There is one season. One day. One moment.

It never changes.

I've nearly forgotten now what nighttime is like. Nighttime was wonderful when I experienced it; so dark and mysterious. Daring. Different. Special.

So unlike Lyoko.

I have grown restless here. An unwanted human emotion. But I am forced to accept it along with all the others. Joy, grief, anger, boredom. New things have entered me now. But it is not like recieving new data. It is like... ah! I do not know how to explain this.


I have nothing more to say now.

*Aelita