complicated I'll spare you kids with a
For the first time in a long time.
Sigh. I'm about to pour out a lot of what's gone through me lately and less lately. Who knows how long this will take. I can just say now, that in advanced, I thank Lisa for being bored and awesome enough to always read my shit, along with Caitlin when she actually see's the posts, sam for Youthser, and Laura, and anyone else who usually gives a shit. Genuinley. Oh, and you random community people, whom's reasoning is unknown. So, here we go, I'm sitting here, yet again doing this, which will get me nowhere in life, instead of work, which will supposedly do the opposite. Again, and as always, expect no form or organization from me. Surely, you are all used to this by now. Also, my sentence variety and vocabulary are sure to devastate anyone who comes across the lack there of. I named the new cat Kegan. Toby Young and I keep in touch frequently. He offered to buy me a drink and such. Sadly I do not live in London. Very sadly. I'd like to be adopted by Toby and wife. How fucking grand would it be to live with an amazing author, and his wife, especially knowing their adorable story? (Cait, remember the book I was reading in Delaware? The author of that). Anyways, I'm learning to play paino as well...finally. I know a scale up and down with my right hand now, after lesson one. I taught myself down out of common sense. I know, I'm amazing, you don't have to tell me. I feel like a three year old. I've been writing as usual, and thinking about doing something with myself for a change. Sometimes I can clearly see myself finally taking the innitiative (spelling?, ugh, well, I'm tired...and rusty), and sitting at a keybord I may have slightly better knowledge of, and making something out of the chicken scratch in all the notebooks where my school work should be. Also, I can see myself taking a small tape recorder everywhere with me for reminders, and as a cheap and uneducated way to record. As well as all that, I can see myself throwing up before making an ass out of myself performing somewhere that's not busy, and where my friends would never happen to show up. Laughable, I know. I appreciate someone who I'd have to make grow up in some sense, and someone who's surpassed me greatly in other ways. I talk to the girl I was friends with for years and years again. She's changed a lot, but she's one of those people I'll always know, and bump into casually every couple of years. Catch up and take off. We know each other. I'll probably let "one" get away buy being so dismissive and indecisive. I'll probably keep a friend. Making choices when you think they're forks in the road, so to speak, can be complicated. A lot of the time, though few of us believe it, we really don't know what we want(from there on). All I have is now, but I never will do anything with it I think. As far as my brain's concerned, all I have is this perfect tomorrow I "work" towards relentlessly. Silly. I might get a job with my friends. Friends...I've lost and gained a lot of those. People just change, or a small dislikable part of them grows and takes over their potential, and it's just like they've died. Good people. Good friends. I don't what to do about Jessica, or Jeff. Reminds me of John. But I was much closer to these people. Recently, I've come across some pretty interesting friendship. It's the first time in a long time...or maybe I mean ever, that I've felt equal, and secure. I don't feel as if I'm being used, or neglected, or judged, or lied to...I miss a lot of people. I don't touch now, I live for the future, but the past has always been my favorite thing. It's fall. I can't wait for the holidays. And cold. I hope I get to visit Alabama and Carolina. I'd move, but the little something's I have here make me not work for it. I can't wait until next semester...I hope I can get into this program...All of you that speed read and judge think I'm just slacking and giving in...fact is, I've grown impatient, and tired of being bullied, and I'm just waiting for my new road. There's a real one, I don't just have a feeling. I'm not a fucking indian. (hah.). My mom won't take anything seriously with me. She refuses to believe my headaches are stress, my being upset is real, my problems and feelings are real, my needing something done is real... It's like yesterday when we went shopping...we both liked a sweater, and the extra large didn't fit her, but the extra small fit me...she wouldn't let me buy it unless I got a larger size. It wasn't even remotely tight on me. She won't believe all the shit I've gone through has had an effect. Because she grew up rough too, and has problems from it,...it's as if mine can't be real because she wants them. She won't acknowldge anything I feel. She dismisses everything to be hormones and whininess, and laziness. I know whiny, hormonal, lazy people...they're all those things, but they're not me. Therapists tell me within minutes of knwoing me, I've been through hell and back, and I need an outlet. I want my cigarettes. (Thank you, Amber for the one tonight, by the way, and Lisa, for tomorrow's.) Matt moved. I miss Mike. I miss Caitlin, and Taylor, and Jamie. Jordan too. I never see him anymore. Linsey as well. I miss John. I miss other John, and David. And other David. Again, it sucks to lose people. Or just not see them enough. All necassary, I guess, but sucky all the same. I want some food. And to be a ballerina. I'm very impatienct with certain sorts of ignorance and I guess disrepect lately. I don't like to feel like I'm dealing with insolent (spelling?) children. I like nice children. Children are children, we're not. I deserve to be treated well. People I care about neglecting me is wrong, as much as I fend for them. I do it less now. I guess. I'd give something to be washing dishes like on that morning again. I'm tired and going to bed now. Or trying. My head hurts from doing this. Stupid me. A car ride would be good for me right now. I'm mean now, sorry to people who are used to walking all over me, or being super-tolerated; and you know who you are. Food time, I'm starved. I might be okay with spending holidays alone. And I can't feel anything because I'm really cold.
I love you.
(for specification...that's not some romantic secret mentioning...it's to whoever's read/reading this, not that I really love you all, but if I do, you / 'll know.)