[16 Jan 2006|01:38am] [ mood | classy, haha ]   I'm such an asshole, why I even bother wih all this "no more, quittin' now, can't do it" crap...it's self defense and self endulgence, because at the end of the night, I'm on the phone for hours, and I'm a lady friend, and awkwardly, I'm pretty damn close to perfectly happy, and there's no way around that. I can fight it 'til the end, but no matter what I see or say or tell myself, it is different. So there's that. It is what it is and we are what we are and yeah, it's hard, but I can only complain to a degree; I think I have something most people will never know. learn.

If you don't read this I'm punching you immediately... [16 Jan 2006|04:52am] [ mood | aggravated ] I'm going to be real fucking straight forward here, and you let me know if you have a problem with that, okay? Because I know how taboo honesty is with you American society media suckers. Why am I cynical? Why can't I have a girl best friend or even girl friends that I can spend a lot of time with unless they're much older than I am 99.9999 and 1/2 % of the time? Why do I prefer older friends? I will now oh so obligingly explain: This is why. You people are absolutely pathetic. I'm serious, I can't even pretend to be tolerant or understanding anymore, because I've had my fill. If you can't think for yourself, if you can't defend yourself, if you can't defend your friends by default, if you can't live without being with people or doing what you think people would worship you to know you're doing all hours a day besides sleep, I don't want to fucking talk to you. I'm being completely serious here. I am extremely tired of being held accountable and blamed for betrayel of silly teenage girls who are so dependent and in need of defense and answers and validation and expalnations and company and title and myspace/livejournal comments and phonecalls and appreciation and blah blah blah, I am telling you, THIS IS NOT LIFE. If you continue to hold out for other people to make you a person and to make you happy and complete you, you will be sadly and brutally disappointed. You also can't talk shit and be defiant to get a rise out of people, they have a name for that when you're out of highschool, it's called ALONE. Family's are there, for the most part, to fuck you up, friends are there to share some time and then live their own lives. You will likely never, and this is me saying this who's said it to many a friend, have an appartment with your 'bffl' who'll drink coffee merrily with you every morning and go out with you every night. Listen, people will get annoyed with you, and you'll get annoyed by them, you'll both get boyfriends you'll want to spend time with but will also get annoyed by and not want to talk to during early morning coffee and it is imperitive to a healthy life experience you understand there is no magic fairy princess unicorn that will be there all the time; you are the only person you spend your whole life with and you have to be able to make yourself laugh and cry and express and feel and make valid and find your opinions on things and have your own takes and interpretations, because you will never meet a soulmate you always agree with and who's perfect and you will never be that for anyone, romantic, friend, family, anything, that is storybook fairytale society failing us nonsense and you can't act like a pissy toddler in desperate need for attention. This is inexcusably childish bullshit and you have to grow out of it because everyone else will and the closest thing you'll get to what you're looking for is pitty and condescending. You need to SPEAK UP when you want to be heard. This isn't about loyalty or hate or love or friendship or enemies or dislike or happiness or viability or respect or fairness or comfort or any of that. You will NEVER be able to make sense of association with other human beings if all you know about yourself is your pathological need from them what you don't know you have to give yourself. You cannot SURVIVE unless you can handle everyone in the wolrd saying they hate you and you suck and for you to be able to say to yourself "I don't think I do, I like who I am and these people do not become me." AND THEN to be able to do that without saying mean things back. I'm so serious, I don't know how you get through life like that, no wonder people have such problems with depression...can't go out one night so you sit at home and stew in your lack of self-knowledge and excessive self-doubt? You have to be able to, fair or not, take responsibility for yourself and the effects of the people around you have. This isn't even supposed to be mean and I hate that me trying to make peopel okay enough to not hang themselves when a phonecall's not returned makes me look like an icy bitch, but for god's sake, I'll be the one icy bitch willing to sya it if it makes you able to live a better life, hate me or not. Everyone would alreayd know this if they thought for themselves...jesus christ. And you wonder why I'm neurotic and people drive me crazy and I can't stand them, eh? You're the crazy ones...nutjobs. Here I am at 4:46 in the morning trying to tell you how to live a functional life in a myspace bulletin...why doesn't anyone listen to me? I am full of fortune cookie ass wisdom here...kids these days, I swear... 3 learn.

[16 Jan 2006|09:18pm] [ mood | exhausted ]   My head keeps screaming "JOY, do what's easy, what's simple, what's sensible, what's 'fair'!"   Everything's so fucking complicated. I hate general human contact so much sometimes...  Is it just me or does almost everyone either want to fuck me, marry me, or scratch my eyes out? Devin and about 499 other people are going to sit on the Brooklyn bridge at 20 degrees and stop traffic tomorrow morning. Why aren't I married to him? 2 learn.

[16 Jan 2006|11:28pm]   Don't underestimate the fatc that I'm not going to do this shit forever. learn.

Also [16 Jan 2006|11:36pm] "the truth is...we hide so we can be found, we walk away to see who will follow, we cry to see who will wipe our tears away, and we let our hearts get broken to see who will come and fix them"   No one can even cop to that. And you wonder. learn.

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