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[15 Jan 2006|05:39pm] |
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My heart is beating really really hard and I don't know why.
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| Now I know. |
[15 Jan 2006|09:13pm] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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I can't do this, I truly can't at all, it's unbearable and I won't continue to subject myself ot it. Take a different route to the same end; take a less hurtful one.
I'd rather be lacking something and lying a little than a more accidental Gigot de La Peyronie-esque experiment like in the book in the cold...
You know, it's hard to say I know what I'm talking about per se (a dangerous expression), but I do know what I mean.
It may not feel right, but it doesn't hurt nearly as much, and that should make it fair. Like we say "All is fair in love and war", among other things. The deeper you get into a hole, the darker it is, and that's not just a sem-flagrant or crass analogy. Also, karmic retribution's now a joke in a "game" (reference you'd have to live inside my head and/or be my bestfriend and/or star on law and order cirminal intent to understand) where 'the pain the pain the pain' is passed back and forth exceeding basic interpretation of cosmic moral control...I mean. Okay, no one's getting/feeling this. I'm sort of glad though. Did you see the way she looked at me? But did you see the way I looked at (the) words? It's a wreck, and I'm subconsciously making sure I won't survive long enough to see the Giligan rescue...I need a cigarette or fifteen.
And you know what else? The Actor's Studio is so serious and dramatic it's enough to make you crazy. Notez l'exemple. ^
If you knew for even a second, if you thought once about how the vaguest idea of these things effects you form the other side, I wouldn't for a moment believe you cared about me at all. Destruct mode says I'll make you understand because I won't wait until there's a foriegn little girl for sense to be made... I would like a beer right now. Beer does help. Now I get it! Haha.
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| I don't like my feelings, they make me worry. |
[15 Jan 2006|11:34pm] |
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mood |
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 embarrassed |
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So I just hit myself repeatedly in the head with my cellphone. Kinda hard. It didn't hurt. I might need to do it some more. I could fix almost eveything so simply...and I just can't do it. Being a generally good person has it's kinks to work out. How did I get here? It's so hard and murky...but honestly, I think that's the best I can handle, and that makes me sick and a mess and fucked up...I guess I-I-I, I just don't know. Yeah. "Those silences, they say everything" and so I wish I was with or reeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaal far away. I'm unsure about that distance makes the heart grow fonder thing...it's easier to ignore and pretend when it's not holding onto you like that.
How do you do it and make it seem effortless...when it's all the stupid things so overwhelming/damn confusing to me?
Yeah, basically I'm an idiot and I need to shut it off and get it together and make heartlessly responsible decisions as a real person it's imperitive I make. I need a sweater, it's really fucking freezing cold all of the sudden.
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__mouse