your my chemical//

empty...

2005-07-12T04:41:08Z

UPDATE: things in life for me have been worse than ever, and that seems that is how they keep on getting. I lost a boy that I love to death, we had the best relasionship...not that we were friends, or that we were commited. it was just a fun cool relasionship we had. and now its all gone. I've got two hands, and these days, I think they're to hide my face. My insides are resounding, there's nothing down there; almost as bad as feeling like there's nothing to look forward to. But, these days, there isn't anything to look forward to. It's not just me telling myself that- it's just, the truth. And so, I cross my fingers every chance I get : Maybe something good is about to happen. I lie through my teeth to the mirror, because who do I have to tell these lies to. And I keep slipping and falling down, and sometimes my legs shake and crack as I'm pulling myself back up. That strength that I though eternal is slowly drying up. Wherever it comes from must be dying, or something along those lines. I know it's a temporary death, but temporary is bad enough. Self-esteem is down twenty, thirty points; jesus, if this is a game then I am definitely losing! And, I know, in my heart, that I'm not where I want to be, where I need to be. I am not the person I want to be, not the person I wish I were. And that is the worst part, knowing that I'm not what would make me happy. So I try and try to stand up, and I try and try to become that ultimate self, but my legs twitch like eyes that have gotten no sleep, and I fall right back down to the ground. This is weird, I've hardly ever felt like this; you know, it's like, empty. And I need something, someone to fill the space and fill the gap. And there is no one, and there is nothing, and that something and that someone, whethere they exist or not, it's for me to find out. But I'm too tired, and I'm too lazy and my efforts are pointless in this game. So I'm going to lay down and I'm gonna fight these dreams of this person I want to be, because dreams won't get me anywhere, it's the action that will. So maybe when I'm done sleeping I'll stand up with a willing heart, and I'll say to myself " Today, it's gonna happen."

only bc im bored!

2005-05-13T09:34:56Z

1. name: Candice
2. single or taken: single..
3. sex: female
6. siblings: a twin brother, and a older brother, and a older sister.
7. hair: Dark brown
8. height: 5'7

r e l a t i o n s h i p s

1. who are your best friends?: I don't have any best friends anymore.
2. do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?: no..
3. did you send this to your crush?: no.
4. did your crush send this to you?: no.

f a s h i o n | s t u f f

1. where is your favorite place to shop: I don't have a fav place.
2. any tattoos or piercings: ugly star on my hip, and nose, tounce ears.
s p e c i f i c s

1. do you do drugs?: hell yeah.
2. what kind of shampoo do you use?: Panteen pro-v BITCH
3. what are you most scared of?: Dieng, being sober to long, being single forever.
4. what are you listening to right now?: Mates of state.
5. who is the last person that called you?: Liz
6. Where do you want to get married?: On the beach
7. how many buddies are online right now?: 21.
8. what would you change about yourself?: Loose weight, get bigger tits thnx.
f a v o r i t e s

1. color: Greeeen, piiiiink.
2. food: Salads...seriously.
3. boys names: Boys are ugly. so i duno
4. girls names: lafonda-JK! umm...Morgan? Sophia
5. subjects in school: history, english..but none.
6. animals: KITTYSSSS
7. sports: Volleyball, BASEBALL, SOFTBALL
h a v e | y o u | e v e r

1. given anyone a bath?: A dog..
2. smoked?: every day of my life.
3. bungee jumped?: fuck that
4. made yourself throw up?: Uhh..yuh.
5. skinny dipped?: Yupp. Drunk of course.
6: ever been in love?: nOPE
7. made yourself cry to get out of trouble?: i dont need to do that :)
8. pictured your crush naked?: Yeah, and what.
9. actually seen your crush naked?: I've had lots of crushes, and I've seen a lot of them naked. A lot of them have small dicks to.
10. cried when someone died?: No i laughed? WTF seriously.
11. lied: To my parents only...other than that..I hate lieng.
12. fallen for your best friend?: No.
13. been rejected?: Umm not that I can remember.
14. rejected someone? Yeah because they are ugly, and im a cunt.
15. done something you regret?: All the fucking time.

p r e s e n t

1. clothes: red boy shorts, white wife beater, no bra. *picture that bitch*
2. music: Mates of state
3. make-up: black because im a goth. har har
4. annoyance: being sober, having to pee
5. smell: My gucci bitch
6. favorite artist: I have no fucking clue.
7. desktop picture: Me, Franki, Sarah when we were rolling and had baller ass sun glasses on.
8. cd in player: a burned one because im cheap.
9. dvd in player: hahaha i dont have a dvd shitttt...vcr bitch!but yeah thirteen.
10. color of toenails: Red, the color of blood.

last p e r s o n

1. you touched: I don't even remember...I don't "touch people"
2. you hugged: I don't know, no'one ever hugs me.
3. you imed: Franki
4. you yelled at: Niki, bc she was drunk and spit in my face.
5. you kissed: Ricky when i was rolling. *he said I was such a good kisser to*
a r e | y o u

1. understanding: totally
2. open-minded: fo sho
3. arrogant: i duno..
4. insecure: most def
5. interesting: OF COURSE.
6. random: MOST DEFINITELY.
7. hungry: only when i get the munchies
8. smart: Uhh..not in school.
9. moody: Only at home sometimes.
10. hard working: I try...but Im lazy
11. organized: Yes indeed:)
12. healthy: i try to be.
13. shy: Uhh...at first sometimes. Depends if your hot
14. attractive: Not to shabby.
15. difficult: Sometimes
16. bored easily: No way.
17. messy: NOPE...a clean room is a happy room:)
18. responsible: Sooooo am!
19. obsessed: I was over a guy in middle school. oh wow. I sure was. EWW!
20. angry: Nope
21. sad: All the time.
22. happy: Only when I'm with my friends.
23. hyper: Ooo yah
24. trusting: Verry!
25. talkative: Sometimes, expecially when I get high. I wont shut up.
26. funny: im fucking HILARIOUS.

w h o | d o | y o u | w a n n a

1. kill: bitches
2. slap: Niki
3. look like: Me, but hotter, and skinnier...with nice perky tits.

r a n d o m

1. in the morning i am: Tired?
2. all i need is: friends, love.
3. love is: Something I've never expierienced.
4. I dream about: Weird shit, I cant even explain.

n u m b e r o f

1. times i have had my heart broken: 0.
2. of hearts i have broken: 2.
3. guys ive kissed: 438942823++++++
4. of girls ive kissed: A lot. not because im a lesbian either. ew.
5. of continents i have lived in: 1.
6. of tight friends: HUH. at the moment 2.
7. of cds i own: Who knows.
8. of scars on my body: one on my forehead, one on the side of me.
9. of things that i regret: to many to fucking count, or remember.

F i n a l | q u e s t i o n s

1. do you like filling these out?: only when I'm bored.
2. gold or silver: silver.
3. what is your favorite movie?: The notebook, party monster, thirteen.
4. favorite cartoon/anime: Aqua teen hunger force.
5. what did you have for breakfast this morning?: Who eats breakfest?
6. who would you love being locked in a room with?: Caleb muse. only because I still want him. :(
7. could you live without your computer? : maybe..?
8. would you color your hair?: um ya.
9. could you ever get off the computer?: im not ON it.
10. habla espanol?: No
11. how many people are on your buddy list?: i dont feel like adding so i'll just say 13 IMPORTANT PEOPEL and the rest suck.
13. like watching sunrises or sunsets?: mmmmmmm yeah.
14. like the rain? love it. no storms though. they can fuck off

I don't even know..

2005-05-11T10:15:30Z

No'ones a virgin life fucks us all.

seriously, I'm a fucking slut in life. It fucks me hardcore.

The end.

ur moms cack

2005-05-09T05:21:57Z

your moms cock

its big

i know

grrrrr

2005-05-04T05:19:30Z

x boyfriends suck.
jealous asshole..
p.s your labret looks ugly on you! suck it asshole!

So my x says he heard I have gained a lot of weight..

thnx to people like him I'm going on a fast..I know that's stupid but whatever. worked before, It'll work again.

lost

2005-05-04T03:09:20Z

I miss you niki.
I miss my best friend.

Why do friends put boyfriends infront of best friends..
how long has it been since I've seen you?
Your fucking up your life, I can't bevieve you ran away with him. wtf where you thinking. You don't understand how good you had it.

I seriously need friends here for me who wont choose a guy over me. Because I don't really have anyone here for me at all. not even my own family.

friends

2005-04-27T09:18:21Z

btw, my friends are all so fucking cute!

Thats sarah and jessica..drunk maybe?

Hot faces.

kissy kiss

such a cute drunk pic.

pretty self explanitory.

blah

super women.

LOTION!

doggy pile mo fuckka

yeah..

drinky drink!

we are pretty crazy.

hot franki

climbing out the window maybe?

we like to expeirment.

scandelous!

drunkkkkkkk ALERT!

fishy fishhhhh

she came from the dish washer.

the end.

told you my friends where fucking cute!

cough cough

2005-04-27T04:12:42Z

Wherever life takes you, big cities, small towns you will inevitably come across small minds. People who think they are better than you are. People who think that material things or being pretty or popular makes you a worthwhile human being. But none of these things matter unless you have a strength of character, integrity, sense of pride. And if you have these things, don't ever sell them. Don't ever sell out. So when you meet a person for the first time, please don't judge them by their station in life.Because who knows, that person just might end up being your best friend.

and thats all I gotta say.

p.s I'm misserable.

__lovewaslust @ 2005-04-24T18:47:00

2005-04-24T23:56:24Z

i think i'm getting through it fine and then memories come tumbling down. damn __________ IT. i hate this. how can i pretend i dont.

life is not always pretty,pretty. and i need some fucking companionship.

So yeah i think one of the funniest events that happend this weekend was when me and jessica went party hopping...ended up at this one party full of "hip hopers" and we changed the music and put on the faint, it became a drunken dance party.

the end.

p.s I'm one sick cat

__lovewaslust @ 2005-04-20T23:21:00

2005-04-21T04:32:15Z

It's 4/20
im sad.
again.
what's new??

you love me but you don't know who I am.

2005-04-13T11:59:37Z

wow, I'm really starting to get into three doors down, wasn't really my style..but the lyrics are so powerfull..and I love it.

three doors down
"let me go"

one more kiss could be the best thing
one more lie could be the worst
and all these thoughts are never resting
and you're not something i deserve

in my head there's only you now
this world falls on me
in this world, there's real and make believe
this seems real to me

you love me, but you dont know who i am
i'm torn between this life i lead
and where i stand
you love me, but you don't know who i am
so let me go
let me go

i dream we head to what i hope for
and i turn my back on loving you
how could this love be a good thing
when i know what i'm going through

in my head there's only you now
this world falls on me
in this world, there's real and make believe
this seems real to me

you love me, but you dont know who i am
i'm torn between this life i lead
and where i stand
you love me, but you dont know who i am
so let me go, just let me go

no matter how hard i try
i cant escape these things inside
i know, i know
but all the pieces fall apart
you will be the only one who knows
who knows

you love me, but you dont know who i am
i'm torn between this life i lead
and where i stand,
you love me, but you don't know who i am
so let me go
just let me go

you love me, but you dont
you love me, but you dont
you love me, but you dont know who i am

you love me, but you dont
you love me, but you dont
you love me, but you dont know me...

It truely is a beautiful song. Being on ecstacy and listening to this song is even better. Personal expierience.

I had fun this weekend. I bonded with all my old friends.
Liz, Shannon, Michael, Ricky, Amy, Angela, Stacey, Jeremiah...I love them all so much. They all gave me such a grea talk. About how I've changed..and so much shit that really got to me. and They were like the only reason we are being this truthfull is because we love you candice, and we want you to be carefull. Because I'm boy crazy and they know that, and they know that I'm lonely and they know what I am capable of doing. And I am just thankfull that they came back to me, and that they gave me talk. It meant the most from Jeremiah though...when he gave me that talk. Because Really, like a year ago he was like my big brother..then months went by we never hung out he was such an ass to me. And I just told him how I felt, and let him know that it hurts..and he told me that he loved me and it really felt nice. I mean to know that someone loves me. And us and the whole group gave each other kisses..and we all cried and bonded. It was weird though..I was the only one getting the you have changed so much candice..I miss the old candice. I have changed a lot. And I don't know where I'm going. I have no clue where I'm headed in this life. Hopefully it goes well. At this point I'm so lost, might as well be a fish out of the sea. Hopefully I'll find my way back soon. Because let it be said..I'm pretty damn miserable. I mean is crying atleast 3 times a day normal for a 17 year old. and by crying I also mean for no reasn at all, not knowing why the hell this is going on, why im crying, why I'm always feeling let down. I just need someone in my life that will show me that they care for me, a friend or guy. I mean becuase my best friend is doing a shitty job at being a friend..She ditches me all the time for her boyfriend..and everytime we do hangout he's with us. I'm tired of it. I need someone to talk to, I can't talk to her if I'm left in the corner while they eat each others faces. It makes me sick. She can't even call me, she didn't even tell me happy birthday last year. We have been friends since 1st grade. I mean come on now. I just don't know what to do anymore. Things will get better, I hope. Untill then that's all I can say. and If you read this all you really have guts..because I'm literally just pulling words and stuff out of my asss..
<3

dude..

2005-04-04T12:19:07Z

It's 7:17 and I havn't slept yet.
I need to goto sleep my god.

SO ANYWAYS..whats been going on with my life..
-being lonely
-making new friends
-losing friends
-hanging out with old friends
that's about it..

OH BY MY GOD THERE IS A BOY I WANT..
I can't say his name he's on my lj list. so shhh..
I don't even think you read my posts anyways. so whatever.

i knowww

2005-04-04T12:17:12Z

I think about everything. I think of the stars, of the moon, of how the clouds shift across the sky into strange shapes. I think of your eyes, of days where I could still decipher their meaning; of your lips, of days where I could still trace my fingers around their perimeter. I think of many things. I think of better days, days that were much worse, of things I would like but will most likely never hold in the palms of my hands. Often, I think of the last moments, the moments that define the end. I think of your voice trailing off as you apologized for everything-- but then a distinct silence overcomes any memory of speech. It is silence I most often deal with. I think of the seagull I still imagine, perched upon the tiny roof of an ice-cream store, somewhere in Orange County. I think of the many televisions: big screens, flat screens, small screens; we kissed behind an aisle as I whispered, "your mom isn't looking."
I'm on to novelties now.
I dream about the other paths at night, let their dirt run right through my black and white fingers.
It's enchanting, to think about what could have happened.

yes'm

2005-03-15T22:29:37Z

I'm lost without you.
And by you, I mean everyone.

mhm.

2005-03-15T17:02:01Z

I miss being able to go out with friends, and talk to them..that's all changed now. I don't really have any friends..and the ones I do I hardly see. Even though a lot of them treated me like shit anyways, it was still good to have them. Just because you didn't really have anything else...

the end.

p.s I want a lover

i hate missing you

2005-03-14T07:20:12Z

Sometimes I think I'll call you and tell you to meet me somewhere..
I could walk up to you, and without a word, kiss you.
And with that kiss , I could say "and now that it's gone it's like it wasn't there at all."

And I know that eventually things fully fade away, leave no trace. But there will always be a faint trace somewhere in my heart, like a slight footstep in the sand. I will be aware of what I felt. Of what you felt. Of the moments where we finished each other's sentences. Those are the moments I long to forget, but ironically, the ones I will continue to remember.

...Sara and I took pictures of the sky this evening. And I thought about how you always seem to fade into the sunset, and dissapear a little bit more each day.

I don't want to have to erase you completely from my mind, but I realize that with someone like you and someone like me (even though that's basically the same 'someone') that's the only thing left to do (especially in a situation like this, where I couldn't say your name, even if I was aching to type it out.)

I wish I could stop missing you, wanting you, liking you..whatever though. maybe one day.

blah

2005-03-10T22:44:08Z

okay so i havnt updated in awhile. today sucks. started my period..I'm still wanting to find my digi cam. but it's long gone. I have nothing to do. and I am getting fat. the end.

wow

2005-02-28T13:30:23Z

wow. is all I can say about my saturday night. It was a night full of funny/crazy memorys. Drinking..A LOT. I'll never forget lmao. Thnx to Jessica, Ian, and frankie. It was just insane. They are all so fucking cute. I felt a special bond between us all. It was lovely.

miss you

2005-02-24T09:10:39Z

I don't remember ever feeling this empty.

-You know that feeling when you live your life walking around as if there is something missing, like a hole in your stomach almost?'
-Yeah, I've been feeling like that for a while now.'
-Well I feel like that feeling has finally fled my body. It's like I found something to fill the gap.'
-I can't believe you just said that, cause I feel it, I feel fulfilled.

I wonder if you're feeling empty again. Now that you've exited my life, the ditch in my stomach has definitely deepened.
I miss you terribly.

Blood fucking brothers!

2005-02-23T08:12:25Z

Alright so my night = fucking amazing.

Me and Niki saw the blood brothers. And I met and saw a lot of cool people there. And me and Niki got all in the mosh and sweatieee it was pure sex.
I had a fucking blast. I loveeeeeeeeeee them<3333

and this is how it's going to be

2005-02-22T08:34:09Z

Okay so I have made up my mind. I'm getting my right side of my lip pierced because my nose stud is on my left. I am not getting my monroe because to many of my friends have it done. And I want to be just a tad differnt. So this sunday, I will for sure. I didn't last sunday because I spent my piercing money on beer. lmao. Yeah I know I'm an idiot. But yeah I havn't put any pics on my journal yet so here ya go.

yes clothes all over my floor. hah

me looking like a little skank. Don't hate.

Because I know damn well yall are all looking down my shirt. Even if theres not much there.

Anyways Enjoy.

Ilu u all!<3

this or that?

2005-02-20T00:32:28Z

Should I get my monroe done, or my lip?

THIS OR THATTT????????

__lovewaslust @ 2005-02-17T13:36:00

2005-02-17T19:38:42Z

Remembering you standing quiet in the rain as
i ran to your heart to be near and we kissed as
the sky fell in holding you close

I love that song the cure=Love

Scorpio:
What you don't know can really trip you up. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, but this time you've got to really get to the heart of what's bugging you.

I have been feeling really shitty lately, like stuffy nose. Smokers cough..thats what I get. I need to stop but whatever I can't. When boe and his friend were taking me home today this girl makenzie and some dude come over to boe's I was sleeping..and it's really weird because I know her. I met her at a party. And she was cool, we talked and we hit some stuff up. But whats sad now is she's totally into drugs hard core, she's messing with heroin now (Sp?) And that's just really scary, a friend of mine doing that shit. I just hope she doesnt get hurt. I would like to see her again and help her with that. Because that shit's just crazay!

So yeah anyone know of any parties this weekend??????
<3Candice

uhhhh

2005-02-15T06:21:23Z

Worst valentines ever. End of discussion.

I just wanted someone to fucking hold me.

</3

the drunkkk

2005-02-13T01:10:07Z

Jeez im such a drunk.
Don't mind the last post. So yeah last night was fun obviously. There was over like 200 people there. They even had staff outside and shit. It' was pretty rad. So there were kegs everywhere, tubs of jungle juice *Vodka and hawaiin punch* And some other shit. So yeah someone has put a shit load of x pills in the jungle juice. I drank a lot of that..tsk tsk. I didn't know. I had sooo much fucking beer. But IT was so awesome I saw a lot of old friends of mine. And I saw michael I love him. Liz shannon and angela showed up to. It was just the best.

But as of right now I'm a lonely girl. I need some lovin. So love me please?:)

P.S I felt soooo bad evan was trying to talk to me and so was boa, and in the car evan was like i tried to talk to you 4 times tonight you rejected me for my best friend boa. So they were sorta fighting over me. But I mean Evan was so drunk to the point that he asked me the same questions over and over and overrrr again..and he wonders why I rejected him haha. I mean our conversation wouldn't go to far don't ya think. He asked..What's your name, How old are you, what school do you goto. Blahhhhhh

Anyways I'm getting drunk again tonight. I'll be under the influence if you would like to talk to my drunk ass call me around 11:00 centrall time.
512-963-1600 that's my cell. Peace