| What if I could take back all those misspent days? |
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She'll fuck you just for the taste.
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[12 Aug 2004|02:36am] |
Stupid me decides to go to bed at 10:30. Stupid me wakes up at 2:15 AM, unable to go back to bed. Of course, Aly's dumb. I could have hung out with Chris, Amelia, & maybe Walker.
Walker's really cute. I met him when I was hanging out with Chris, Amanda & Josh the other night. Yeah.
I wanna go back to bed. Chances are that's not happening.
Shit.
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| I hope you choke on those words, that kiss, that bottle. |
[11 Aug 2004|09:07pm] |
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 Two thumbs up, nigguh. |
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Today was weird. Hung out with Kristen, always a fun time. Hung out in town, hung out at home, hung out with Ameli-ho.. interesting. Not eventful but what can you do?
Josh sent me this really annoying website link, so I shall now share it with you all. Forgive me for not making the link small & hidden in another word, I'm too lazy to do the HTML. You understand, right?
http://picard.ytmnd.com/
http://picard.ytmnd.com/
http://picard.ytmnd.com/
http://picard.ytmnd.com/
GO GO GO GO GO! Right now, kthnxbyeeee.♥
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[11 Aug 2004|05:59pm] |
If someone could please explain to me why my head fucks with me so much, it would be gratefully appreciated by me.
If someone could also come sweep me off my feet, that'd be fun too.
Umm. I love you?
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| Poor is the man that believes his own lies... |
[10 Aug 2004|11:47pm] |
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mood |
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 No word describes my emotions. |
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Today was weird. I did nothing for a really long time & then I did a lot of things. Today was totally wasteful, it makes me sick.
I did send him a text message.. that I don't think he got. Meh, shit happens.
I hung out with Josh, Chris & Amanda for a while. That was something different. The only fun thing about tonight.
People confuse me a lot. It pisses me off that everyone sees me as 'some hot chick' & 'someone to fool around with,' yet they never see me as 'girlfriend material.' It makes one wonder if it's something about them that makes them unattractive as far as being 'girlfriend material' is concerned, whatever that may be. Totally dumb, I know. Just.. something I had to say. Don't mind me.
I think I'm done now. I have nothing worth saying right now, so why say shit? Feel free to add your two cents to this at any point, kthnx.
[EDIT:] I forgot to mention my awesome necklace. I made it out of caution tape, it is so pimp. Well, actually.. Josh made it, gave it to me, I broke it, fixed it & began to rock it like what. Yes, like what. Done babbling, be a comment whore. Them's the best kind, kthnx.[/EDIT]
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[09 Aug 2004|09:57pm] |
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He's seriously all I've thought about all night. I don't know if that's a good thing or not. I really wish I could have gone to Six Flags tonight, instead of doing a bunch of pointless shit. Yeah, I'm a loser. You love it.
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| And when you're hittin' like that, you melt my eyes. |
[09 Aug 2004|10:08am] |
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 Aly needs sleep. |
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Yeah.. I'm never drinking anything with caffeine in it past 9PM. It's just not cool that I didn't fall asleep until after 4 this morning. It's even more not cool that I woke up at 8. I want to SLEEP, dammit.
Anyways, I got kinda bored last night so I fucked around with my layout. First it was a Maroon 5 layout & then I realized that it was corny as hell. Sooo.. now it's Atreyu. Why? Because they're fucking awesome.
K so I need everyone to do something for me. In a comment, give me the names of a couple of bands that I probably have never heard of or shit that you just think I should like. Since, ya know.. I have no music on my computer since I'm a genius & deleted everything.. yeah. I'm trying to broaden my musical horizons. Deal with it.
Okay.. I'm tired, time to go back to bed & not sleep.
Do the thing I said to do.
RIGHT NOW.
Kthnxbyeeee♥
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[08 Aug 2004|10:08pm] |
veritas189 (9:13:20 PM): G.O.D.
veritas189 (9:13:21 PM): God.
veritas189 (9:13:24 PM): Gary on Dope.
Kraig Himself (10:08:23 PM): yea once it said it was rainin outside and it wasnt and i didnt know who to believe
Kraig Himself (10:08:30 PM): the channel or the outside
Kraig Himself (10:08:36 PM): so i went back to bed
I love Kraig & Gary. They're just too flippin' cute. They're my heros. :o)
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| I'll fight you with every ounce of strength that I have left & I'll seal it with a bullet & a kiss. |
[08 Aug 2004|10:47am] |
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mood |
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 Too awake for 11 in the AM |
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I typed this really long thing & then I broke my spacebar. It's okay, I made it better. I'm too lazy to retype what I wrote, so I shall summarize it for you.
My other half came over last night. We hung out in my room & it was a grand ol' time. We played with the Pink Panther. THAT'S NOT SOMETHING SEXUAL, I SWEAR. It was fun. Gary called in the middle of it all, which was ab-fab. Then, my other half got picked up by her mommy. That made me sad. Life goes on.
I decided what I'm doing to my room. It's top secret, but involves glow in the dark paint, smoke machine, chili pepper lights and a black light. It's gunna be the shit when I finish it & I shall take lots of pictures for the people who will probably never see it.
I don't know if I should get an MP3 player or get a digicam & a cheap CD player instead. Someone tell me what to get, since I have no clue. I'm leaning towards the digicam & cheap CD player, since lord knows my dad will never get around to finding the shit for the webcam.. lazy fucker.
Yeah.. I'm gunna go back to downloading Silverstein & BNO now.
Feel free to whore yourself in comments.
I'll love you lots, kthnxbyeee♥
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| Dig me now, fuck me later.. sing it to the tune of faggot, faggot, faggot. |
[07 Aug 2004|12:01am] |
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Hyper as a mofo |
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So Gary came over tonight. That was super, he made me feel a lot better than I did before. We went shopping & I got some super outfits. My pants just.. don't fit. That's okay, I'm exchanging them for another size tomorrow. I went to Pacsun & my mommy bought me a bag. Then we went to Spoleto Express & I got pesto alfredo, which was reeeeeeally good. Then we came back to my house, lit absinthe on fire instead of drinking it, did really weird & random things & playing a rousing game of Trivial Pursuit because we're effing geniuses like that. Yep, tonight was fun.
I need to find something to do tomorrow. Might hang out with Emmy, since she's my other half. Even though she thought I was mad at her.. I dunno why, but I guess she did. I could never be mad at her, though. Whatev. If I don't hang out with her, someone should definately chill with me. Why? Because I'm so fucking cool.
Yeah.. nothing meaningful to say.
Comment & make me smile like whoa.
Kthnxbyeeee♥
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[06 Aug 2004|05:17pm] |
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I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away. I don't want to see him suffer, I don't want to sit back & watch him die slowly.. I want to just wave a wand & make it all better. I wish I could just be there for him, but it's hard when you're halfway across the fucking country.
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| Still she's on her knees & Scotty doesn't know. |
[06 Aug 2004|10:32am] |
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Tired like whoa. |
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So last night was fun. I was supposed to go to the movies with Doug but that ended up not happening. That made me kinda sad. Then I wanted Gary to come over, but he couldn't. That's okay, I'm kidnapping Gary when I go shopping tonight so he can meet my mizzle. Since he's disgustingly in love with her. Whatev.
Ameli-ho kidnapped me yesterday morning & brought me to the mall with her. We tried on clothes at Pacsun & I picked out all the clothes I wanted. Now my mizzle & I are going to get my clothes tonight, which is sexxx.
Doug called me last night at like, 9. We didn't get off the phone till midnight. That was fun. Even though.. I hate the phone? It was another bonding experience. Quite fun.
I shall stop now, since I have nothing meaningful to say.
Comment if you wish to make a girl happy.
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[05 Aug 2004|02:36pm] |
I just spent a long time doing some pointless 'ideal boyfriend' survey because I'm awesome like that. You love it, you love it!
( The 'reqirements'Collapse )
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| Another one of those rambling posts about everything teen angst. |
[05 Aug 2004|09:46am] |
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 I'm sad & it's not fun. |
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I might as well just give you a heads-up. Everything in this entry is me going on & on about silly things that I need to just get out of my head. Totally ignore this if you want to, I know there's some people that don't care. I just need to get all of this stupid shit off my chest.
God, I'm such a fucking pussy. I'm seriously afraid of everything. Love, life, death, people. I don't know why, but I hate it. I really don't like getting so freaked out around people, I don't like being so insecure, I don't like being so vulnerable. I can easily be manipulated, fucked with, hurt.. all of the emotional damage from when I was a child is having such an effect on me now. I'm just scared about what all of these fears & insecurities will do to me in later years. What if I lock up & never let anyone get close to me again? I'll never love & just prove my point about how I'm going to be alone. Being alone itself scares me, only because I don't know what to do with myself a lot of the time. I just need someone who's there for me, someone who cares.. what's gunna happen if I don't let anyone get close enough to me to actually love me? It's pathetic, actually.. the way I'm so afraid of letting anyone get close to me, the way I'm afraid of giving someone the ability to care for me. It might be my inability to trust anyone, added on to the fact that I've yet to meet anyone who's even remotely interested in getting closer to me. Everytime I find myself in the position to have someone, I lock up because I'm scared. I know as soon as I tell them I love them, the person'll turn around, fuck me over & break my heart. Not just in romantic scenarios, but life in general. I push everyone close to me away & then pick myself apart to find all of my flaws as soon as that person's gone.
I hate my insecurities & my low self-esteem, which is tied into the trust thing. No matter how positive something is that someone says about me, I flip it around & pretend that it was something negative. I really don't like hating myself. I'm always looking for compliments from people, but as soon as someone compliments me on something, I argue it quickly. I can never tell if someone's telling the truth or if someone's lying. I tried telling myself that people were telling me the truth & I just got fucked over in the end, so screw it. I can't trust people, no one gives me reason to. I'm not so sure I like that too much. I wish I could just.. stop caring about everything, stop feeling anything. If I was completely numb to everything, my life could, in theory, be so much easier to deal with. I wouldn't have to worry about being hurt, I wouldn't have to worry about the stupid things people say.. none of it would bother me. This isn't an idealistic world, though; it's almost impossible to completely stop caring, because deep down, there's always that tiny part of you that cares & wishes things could be different. I wish that it was a small part of me that cared about everything, instead of all of me.
For some reason, what people seem to think of me affects me all too much. They don't matter, I know they don't. I just wish I could be who everyone wants me to be. Of course, I'm bitter & cold. I have reason to be, though. Everyone just fucks me over because I'm so vulnerable. People can take advantage of me too easily & that's not a good thing. I've tried to stop it but when someone else can have more power over you than you have yourself, you know something's wrong.
I hate how I can make people feel better, or how I think I do at least. I'm a fucking mess, I don't know how I can make other people feel better when I'm falling apart inside. I do it anyways. I want to stop falling apart on the inside, & I don't want to have to plaster a bullshit smile on my face. I'm not happy & I haven't been for a long time. In the midst of it all, I find that other people's happiness is more important than my own, thus I focus on trying to make others feel better & less on myself. Some would call me caring & compasionate. If I'm such a caring person, then what the hell is so wrong with me that makes people dislike me so much? Maybe there's something wrong with the fact that I'm selfless & care more about others than myself. I honestly want to stop caring so much about other people & care more about myself. I care about people that don't give a shit about so I feel like I'm wasting my energy on people that don't appreciate me. I've tried to stop caring so much about other people & their happiness, & just focus on myself for a while, but I just can't seem to do that, or figure out if that's a good thing or not.
So umm.. I'm gunna stop babbling about useless shit that no one cares about. Have a super day.
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[05 Aug 2004|12:47am] |
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I hate how I can sometimes be just too overdramatic about everything & make a big deal out of stupid shit. I lose a lot of people from doing that, so sorry if I ever drove you so fucking crazy with my drama & bullshit that I made you hate me. I didn't mean to.
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| We'll be rockin' till the sun goes down... |
[04 Aug 2004|09:46am] |
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Very, very mellowed out. |
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Basic overview of the past day, since I know you care so much.
--Was supposed to go to the movies with Kraig, which never happened.
--Hung out with Emmy instead, had lots of fun with the Pink Panther & Fantasia Chameleon.
--Talked to Andrew Nolan lots, which was super cuz he's a super kid.
--Craved cuddling, making out & other miscellaneous cute things that one might do with a boyfriend.
Yesterday was fun. For some reason, I wanna go on an actual date. I was thinking about it & I don't recall ever going out on an actual date. My advice to someone is to take me out on a date since I'm a loser & want to go on a date so I can feel cliche. I know, I'm a fool. You love it, you love me. I am the best, I know.
No one comments so someone should. I feel quite unloved right now.
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[04 Aug 2004|01:27am] |
7 1/2 friggin' months.
That's just too damn long.
This needs to be changed.
Along with all the empty feelings.
Help meeee. :o(
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| And the bass keep runnin' runnin' & runnin' runnin'... |
[03 Aug 2004|02:26pm] |
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 I'm a bitch today! :o) |
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RequiemDreamer7 (7:05:22 AM): yeah.. i told them to leave me alone until their balls dropped.
RequiemDreamer7 (7:05:29 AM): i got a lot of dirty looks for that one.
nolan X core (7:06:08 AM): hahaha
nolan X core (7:06:34 AM): well.. its true.. they should wait.. or just leave you alone so guys named andrew nolan can be like "hey.. how you doin?"
Andrew's so totally the sex. He kinda reminds me of Joey from Friends. That kid is cool shit. Why either one of us were up so early this morning, who knows? Although the fact that we had a semi-intelligent conversation about freshmen boys & heartburn so early in the day is simply amazing, since I normally couldn't function like I did this morning. Maybe it's because I didn't sleep.
I just realized how much sense I don't make. See, even that was fucking weird as hell. Maybe it's just because I'm weird in general...
Anyways, so I've been really lazy about updating lately, please feel free to sue me as you desire. It depresses you all to not know what's going on in my life, I know. Deal with it.
Livi's party was last night. That was fun. Not really. Freshmen boys are silly but cute to look at.
I never went to bed last night. It was fun, I watched Eyes Wide Shut & Thirteen. I can't handle any more movies right now, despite the fact that I'm going to see The Village with Kraig tonight. That is, if everything works out. Which it probably won't, but that's okay.
Yeah. I'm so effin' done that I'm a tender piece of steak.
Again with the weirdness.. when will it end?
Someone just whore it up in comments & we'll be even.
Kthnxbyeeeee.
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[01 Aug 2004|12:59pm] |
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I wanna know what it feels like to be loved. I wanna know what it feels like to actually have someone who cares. I wanna know what it feels like to not be the odd one out. I wanna know what it feels like to be the one you want. Even if it's just for a second... I just wanna feel it.
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