Atomic war means: no traffic in the mornings, no bills in the mail...

__liliaceae @ 2008-01-03T07:41:00

2008-01-03T13:00:47Z

Hey, 2008
Read at least eleven books this year.
Get really good grades.
Start running and/or doing yoga every morning.
Pay off credit card.
Stop getting so upset over the dumbest things.

This morning started at about 7 AM for me, so I'm currently sitting in my bed, drinking tea, and enjoying the calm before the storm that is running a million errands before I have to be at work this morning by 10.

Oh yeah, I got a job. Well, it's an internship. I work for this new fashion designer in a shitty part of town, but if I play my cards right, I'll be going to New York with him at the end of the month to discuss selling his line with the people at Saks Fifth Ave. I'm working on it. Last night was tiring, as I found myself looking through about 300 Harper's Bazaar, Vogue, and Elle Magazines creating a theme for his non-cohesive, "romantic" F/W 08 line. Oh yeah, it's tough.

Thankfully though, Chelsea helped me SO MUCH and I love her for it. She's coming to visit on Friday. It sucks not having her in the city anymore, as I've become increasingly lonely over break. However, she's going to move in with me for a little bit, so my apartment will go from vacant to stuffed with two girls' worth of clothing and smoke.

The apartment is coming along nicely, I'll post pictures when it's done. Living alone has made me so obsessed with my living space. There's just this need to keep adding things and all that. BUT, my fucking window is messed up on the side and cold air always comes through and it needs to get fixed before I fix it myself and damage the window with unnecessary caulk or something. It's coming along.

Christmas was really nice, as my parents seemed to get me all the little things I wanted, like money, a coffeemaker, candles, and computer things. My brothers and I have become very close, and Billy is almost my best friend. Over the course of the year, I have become extremely protective of him. He told me about how some girl he likes said her parents wouldn't let her date him because he's half black? I was irate. Never in my life have I wanted to go over to someone's house I DON'T know and tell them that maybe I don't want my brother to be a part of their piece of shit, racist family. I know I'm a lot of talk, but honestly, I would have. Billy wouldn't really tell me where she lived, so.

I'm constantly missing Sean whenever he's not here. It always seems as though my back hurts the second he leaves, so I can't force another back massage out of him. I feel as though I don't appreciate him as much as I should. He really does a lot for me, like drive me back and forth if I really need him to since I no longer have a car up here. The only thing that sucks is that we get together and all we do is either fight or lounge around, then we part ways and all we do is talk about how much we miss each other. It's kind of a waste of alone time. We love each other, though.

But today is a new day, and all the things I've been meaning to do over break that are really important are going to get done. Today I will buy my Septa pass, get my PA license, deposit Christmas money and attempt to pay off a little of my looming credit card bill, pay my electricity bill, and mail my loan forms. Oh man. And hopefully I'll be getting a paying job, soon.

Being alone is the city for break has been lonely. I feel so distant from everyone I used to talk to, and am now just reduced to Sean and Chelsea. It's not like I haven't made an effort to keep up with those closest to me, but sometimes those things just don't work out, you know?

Did you all have nice winter breaks or holidays? What are your New Year's resolutions?

__liliaceae @ 2007-10-21T15:23:00

2007-10-21T19:56:34Z

So I figured it was time to put up pictures of my apartment, if any of you would like to see. It's still not finished, but it's cosy.

So yeah, that's about it. I was going to get a bunch of small potted plants and put them on top of my cabinets, and maybe some big pieces of pretty fabric to hang on the walls.

:]

__liliaceae @ 2007-09-12T19:58:00

2007-09-13T00:16:01Z

So I'm now in my apartment. Actually, I'm sitting the lobby of my building because there's free wireless down here, and I have yet to get some in my room as well as cable. The apartment is cute and small, as soon as I get everything in there and decorated, I'll take pictures or something.

I really like it here. Right now I'm killing time before Chelsea calls me back and we hang out. Yesterday my new friend Brett and I walked around to Rittenhouse square and shopped for a while. I bought a dress and a hat and some measuring spoons from Anthropologie. He also came with me to go grocery shopping at Reading Terminal, which was amazing. I bought some fruit and veggies and jam and milk and butter and honey and cheeses and bread. Oh! I bought a pretty orchid, also.

My dad [and possibly Mom] is coming up on Saturday to deliver the rest of my things and I really hope my mom comes because I didn't get to see her before I left because she went to Korea for work. Sean is coming on Friday! I'm very excited and I am going to cook for him and we are going to spend the weekend sleeping and being cozy and going on walks.

Today was the first cool/cold day of the school year. It was a pleasant surprise, as I woke up feeling ridiculously cold, so I've turned off my air conditioning and put thick blankets on my bed. On my shopping walk yesterday, I walked by all these stores and realized there are so many things I still need to buy to prepare for winter, most of which are clothes.

Oh well. I've been very tired lately, so I dunno, I might go nap or something.

__liliaceae @ 2007-08-23T01:22:00

2007-08-23T05:41:07Z

Questions from Layla.
I'm not going to have you participate, save for Layla, because almost everyone is so boring and I don't care.

1. What is your favorite vacation spot?
I really love going to my mom's parents' house in Whitefish Bay, Wisc. It's so nice up there, it's on Lake Michigan and there's a little beach and it's very close to Milwaukee.

2. What is your dream job?
My dream job would probably be to work for National Geographic's Traveling magazine. To be able to go all over the world and take pictures and write about it would be amazing. Getting paid for it would make it even better.

3. How many movies have you seen in the last month? What was your favorite?
Maybe five? I'm not sure. I really liked Children of Men, though I couldn't pick up on most of it. I watched Knocked Up again, which is funnier than God.

4. What is something everyone else loves that you don't understand the appeal of?
High waisted pants, colored jeans, Amy Winehouse!

5. What is your favorite song at the moment?
Probably either "20 Dollar" or "Bamboo Banga" by M.I.A. I love Kala!

In other news, school starts Monday. I'll have to commute for a week, but then after the weekend I'm going to stay with Sean's aunt and uncle who live right outside of Philadelphia. After that, I can move into my apartment on the tenth, which is a Saturday, I believe?

Sean and I went to Sea Isle City, NJ to spend a few days at his dad's beach house. It rained almost the whole time, but I wasn't planning on sitting on the beach anyway. It was really nice. All we did was sit around, watch movies, drive around Sea Isle, and go out to each the whole time. His family is so nice that I love spending time with them.

This summer has been weird. I've lost contact with almost all my friends, so I guess I don't have many left. I'm just so tired of having to keep up with everyone. Making them be my friend or making them hang out with me. So I just stopped calling and no one has really called me. So it goes. It doesn't matter, though. I'm moving, so I hope I'll make new friends. Marlon and I have been talking more frequently, lately, and he said he would come visit me in Philly, as Delaware is very close and he'll have a car.

I need to stop needing to start over.

__liliaceae @ 2007-08-07T09:35:00

2007-08-07T13:51:36Z

Right now, I'm sitting in a small coffee shop in Whitefish Bay, Wisconsin. They're the only place with wireless that I could find, and it's a few blocks away from St. Monica's Catholic Church, which is where my mom is right now. I've always loved Whitefish Bay, it's so charming and quiet.
But yeah, I'm really excited about moving to Philadelphia. I'm also excited about getting to make new friends, the ones I have save for a few always get me down. So, there's that.

__liliaceae @ 2007-06-12T22:06:00

2007-06-13T02:12:17Z

So, Sean has left for Europe for twelve days. I work all week from 7 AM-2 PM.

What am I going to do now?

__liliaceae @ 2007-06-02T11:44:00

2007-06-02T15:49:47Z

I'm sorry. I suppose I'm just jealous. Don't forget about me, because I'm still here.

__liliaceae @ 2007-05-13T03:44:00

2007-05-13T07:48:16Z

FUCK YOU, JULIA STILES. I WILL NOT LET YOU RUIN THE BELL JAR FOR ME.

__liliaceae @ 2007-03-28T00:03:00

2007-03-28T04:10:59Z

The other day, before break, I was sitting in my Art Appreciation class and my teacher, Connie Buetelschpacher, was talking about Where the Wild Things Are and she mentioned it was by A.A. Milne. I realized this error, but the only person in class who said something was a very Jewish boy who is normally quiet and eats pretzels and carrots at his table alone in the front left corner of the room. He said, "Actually, I believe Maurice Sendak wrote that. A.A. Milne was Winnie the Pooh."
This made me smile, and I really appreciated that he knew that, too. My teacher realized her error and agreed, but shortly after, the kids around me started laughing. The boy next to me said, "Yeah, he would know that."

I said nothing, but I wanted to slap him.
I hate Frostburg. Hopefully I get into Towson. Or just out.

__liliaceae @ 2007-03-15T10:40:00

2007-03-15T14:48:41Z

I haven't slept much lately. I mean, I sleep, but I always seem to be tired. Right now, I'm eating Jujyfruits and waiting to go to my sculpture class, which I hate. But, what can you do? At least it's warm.
Philadelphia was wonderful, and I would absolutely love to live there. I met so many nice people who actually thought I was pretty cool, so it makes me sad that I had to return to Frostburg where I have no friends and no one is really that cool.
Spring Break starts tomorrow, and I will be stressed until I get to DC with Julie. Since Ben took his Jeep home, I have to take the boys home and Sean's dad wants to take us out to eat on our way home. After I drop them off, I will promptly turn around and head down to DC to see Madeline play in DC with Julie Bulie. Then, on Saturday, I am taking Julie to get her tattoo and then we are going to see Explosions in the Sky and then go dancing at a gay bar so we don't get hit on by raunch guys. It'll be nice, since I always feel like I need a vacation.
Towson put me on the waitlist, so I have to work hard this semester to get in, so I can get an apartment with Steph this summer. Sean said he doesn't know if he's going to Towson, all of a sudden, but I know I am going. I can't be here anymore.
This summer, I need to work. My dad sent me an application for an internship for Barack Obama, so if I get that, which I doubt I will, I'll do that. Unfortunately, it's unpaid and I'd be working forty hours a week in DC. If not, I could work at Panera or Regal Cinemas and kill myself.

__liliaceae @ 2007-03-09T11:17:00

2007-03-09T16:18:14Z

After my meeting for Education at two, I am leaving for Philadelphia to see Mirah. It's a four hour drive and I will be alone. Whatever.
I kind of want to just get rid of all my friends who I have now, save for a select few, and just move away and start over.

Being sick of everyone is a terrible feeling.

Lent.

2007-02-22T20:38:34Z

Right now, I am sitting in my room and it is snowing outside, which isn't something I'm happy about because it was so warm this week. Well, not warm, but not freezing cold. Pad thai is in my microwave and I am almost finished watching Casino Royale thanks to Amber and PeekVid.
My English teacher is completely divine. Today, in class, we read the beginnings of our narrative essays and he is really just the most kind teacher. I love him. He then proceeded to let us out of class over forty-five minutes early.
I am going home tomorrow, with too many people in my car for a three hour drive. I hope I have room. Then, Steph and I will be reunited and it'll be my dad's birthday and I will just be the best daughter ever.
So, since yesterday was Ash Wednesday, Lent began. I decided to give up meat.

If you observe, what did you give up?

__liliaceae @ 2007-01-17T12:38:00

2007-01-17T17:38:50Z

Lately, all I do is complain. Either I'm complaining about my friends, my lack of friends, or my ridiculous love life. I thought flying down to Savannah might change something, or even help, but all I got out of it were some new clothes and tonsillitis, which I am going to the doctor's for in a half an hour.
Recently, I have realized that I just bore everyone, even myself. Most of my break has been spent with me at home, watching my mom's TiVoed television series, waiting around for something to happen. Phone calls are a rarity, and when I do get them, they're either from my mom, my dad, or Sean. The only friend I really have left is Renee, but she moved to Columbia when school started, so she's not so close anymore. I usually have to beg Sean to come over when I've been sick, and even more so when I'm not. When I complain, all I hear are the empty, "I would have been there in a second," from other boys who just say things to sound better. It temporarily eases my hurt. Only temporarily. But sooner or later, those who feign interest in me find someone or something else more engaging than me and I never really hear from them again.
There's no point in me wishing to go back to school, because I have less friends there than I do here at home. There's less to do and colder weather, which leads me to attaching myself to Sean and his friends until the summer, which I will devote to a job so I don't have to worry about free time and friends.

This is basically what I've become.

Fresh.

2006-12-30T03:53:06Z

I decided to do it last night, and made an appointment for today. My hair was so messed up, I figured, why not? When it was finished, it looked awful. I looked like Mrs. Bertier in Remember the Titans. So I ran to Target, got a 3/4" flat iron and some styling gel or whatever, and came home to fix it.

Now I'm thinking Tinkerbell :].

So.

2006-12-22T01:25:09Z

I woke up this morning in a depressed state since Sean and I got into a fight last night. The depression persisted through most of the day until Sean came over and apologized and helped me make some eggs, since he doesn't know how. He was trying, I could tell.

On Saturday, I have a cocktail party to go to in Frederick for my friend's graduation party. This is stressing me out since I have to buy a skirt or dress or something that I can wear with black tights and my black flats. I'll see what Target has, since that cute Behnaz Sarafpour girl is doing a collection for them. My dad said that I need to come home after the party, so Sean said that he wouldn't drink so he could take me home. I feel bad, since we were originally going to stay overnight at JD's house, but then he ran out of room, so we were going to get a hotel, but my dad said to just come home. Oh well, at least we're saving money. Also, I am making a plaid capelet to wear to the party, since it's going to be cold and I got the pattern for free. I made a shirt the other day, and it came out alright.

Lately, I've been in super Justin Timberlake mode. Man oh man, he is amazing.

I have almost all my Christmas shopping done, I just need to order Steph and Sean's gifts online from Urban, so it's not a big deal. I need a job :[.

Happy holidays, everyone.

Ugh.

2006-12-06T20:27:45Z

I am in the shittiest mood because my plans always get messed up and I never really get to do the big things I spend so much time planning. Instead of going to Boston next year like I've been planning for a while, I might have to go to Towson and there's a possibility I might have to live at home. Fuck this, I'm going to Boston even if I have to go alone.
Honestly, why must people stray from plans? Is it really that hard to just do what you say you're going to? I really don't want to have to spend a year at a school I don't want to go to in the first place when it's not my choice to go there. Fuck that.
If I do go to Towson, I am NOT living at home. Steph and I are going to get an apartment. Since I'm sacrificing the school and city I want to go to, I might as well be able to live where I want in Towson. That's ridiculous.
So, I'll spend my summer not going on any vacations and making my own clothes because I will have to work my ass off to be able to pay for everything without even being able live where I fucking want. At least Towson apartments are a little cheaper than Boston and Steph will be living with me. I just wish I had known all of this before I got so excited about going to Boston. That always seems to be the way it is, though. I'm easy to let down.
I am so upset.

Edit: I have gotten over it and I think that it'll be nice for a year, though I'd rather not have to transfer twice. Living with Steph in the city will be great.

__liliaceae @ 2006-11-30T15:35:00

2006-11-30T20:35:18Z

I'm nineteen today and it's the first birthday I've had where I feel a little older. Man. I'm about to head down to the mail room because my mom said she send me some things. Today wasn't the best day for a birthday because I've just had class since eight. All my friends here are oddly excited about it being my birthday, and I think I should have a bottle of chardonnay waiting for me when I get back from dinner with Sean. Up until today, I've been trying to not think about my birthday, and I haven't said anything, but now that it's today I've been so excited. Birthdays are the best. Lots of people have been calling and texting and it's so nice.
I feel loved! It's going to be a great year, though.

__liliaceae @ 2006-10-24T23:46:00

2006-10-24T23:48:30Z

Yesterday was our first day of snow, real snow, I guess. It's flurried before.
We slept with our pajamas inside out, and when I sat outside at night, it almost looked like glitter of sorts.
Today, the flakes got bigger, and it got sunny.
It's still snowing outside, but nothing is sticking.

I dunno, I just like it a lot.

Next fall, I plan to be on a boat doing Semester at Sea, with or without Sean. I would love for him to come, but if he doesn't, I'll manage. I just think it's something I need to do for myself.

indian summer.

2006-10-03T05:17:36Z

Right now, it is about one in the morning and I decided against doing my physics homework, which is due tomorrow. I spent all evening and night sitting in my room, listening to the Bell Jar, read by Maggie Gyllenhaal. It's so nice, that even though I have read the book, I wanted to listen to it.
This past weekend, Sean, Ben, and I went home. My aunt Julie was visiting from Boston, so I decided to go see her and it was worth it. She told me all these things about Boston that I should know if I am moving there, and she met Sean and said that he seemed like a really great guy.
Not only do I want to sign up for Semester at Sea, which I plan to do when the timing is appropriate, but I want to do as many internships as I can. I don't even care if I get credits. If it pays and I am learning, I want to do it. You know, maybe one in an art field [my friend Renee has a friend who goes to Frostburg who got a summer internship at the Corcoran, so maybe MICA will give me one,] or in an English related field, such as at a law firm or a magazine, or something.

Nice, nice, nice.

mountains.

2006-09-12T03:46:33Z

What a wonderful weekend.
It seems like no matter the bad things we do, the mountains keep us closer to heaven.

__liliaceae @ 2006-09-04T00:00:00

2006-09-04T04:08:07Z

I don't know what I want from him anymore. I love him, though, and he loves me. Maybe if I weren't insane, I would be happier.
I'm lonely, but I'm never alone.

Avoiding coming home is my new goal.

__liliaceae @ 2006-08-27T16:24:00

2006-08-27T20:51:32Z

My bunk is on the bottom. My roommate kindly took the top bunk, since she realized that I would probably be coming home more drunk than she would. My room is small and crowded by various music related things, clothes, and papers. It's also very humid and hot indoors, due to lack of air conditioning, so we usually just leave the lights off and the fans on. It's really liberating, I've found that I am a lot more relaxed, being on my own, though I understand that my classes will stress me out soon enough. The people are nice and the parties are fun. Sean's dad said that if we're still together next year, he would get us a house out there, since they are just so cheap! The boy who's house we went to last night said that it costs about $2,400 a year to rent a four bedroom house. So that's neat.
I love my working class town, with it's delicious thai food and college town charm. It should be a beautiful fall and winter.

"It's easier to leave than to be left behind."
Saying goodbye was still pretty hard, though.

__liliaceae @ 2006-07-28T01:00:00

2006-07-28T05:03:27Z

We drove home not in silence, but with the sound of thunder and the view of lightning and we realized that it was what we were made for.
It was the best car ride home ever, and I am in love. And truly happy, for that matter.

Fucking Godspeed, You!

Can't get away from you.

2006-07-25T23:03:08Z

Sean and I have been golfing a lot, recently. It's hard, but I like it. It's fun!

Right now, I am sitting in my room, waiting for Amber to get to my house. She decided to listen to Mapquest instead of me, leaving her in traffic. Well, I am excited for her to get here. We plan on going to get thai in Baltimore and ice cream in Little Italy. Sean is on his way over, so I will have some company til she gets here.
Tomorrow night, we are going to go meet up with Brett, Alex, and Willy and Chris Parschalk in Baltimore, since Willy has an apartment there. I am so glad I was invited!

__liliaceae @ 2006-07-13T17:24:00

2006-07-13T21:25:26Z

I can't wait to leave.
I love songs that feel like they're pulling you up by your heart.

And I'm assigned to an all girl's dorm. Fuck that.