skiddy smith

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 07:54:50 GMT

i got a new livejournal name, skiddysmith, i haven't really updated it or got a new icon or anything going but add it because i'm going to change over to that soon.. much more fitting yaknow?

i'm sorry if this doesn't make a whole lotta sense...

Fri, 04 Feb 2005 21:44:30 GMT

i haven't updated in a while and honestly i'm scared. really scared for reasons i just don't know. it's just... i was thinking yesterday how everyone keeps blaming the month, the time of year, the weather the this the that on things being shitty and we have to fucking FACE IT it's always going to be shitty. there is always going to be stuff flying at us from the fan and we're always going to have to deal deal deal with each other and it. this isn't going to stop in the summer time and jeez 2004 was hard and so will 2005 and so will every other year after this one. i'm not saying i'm hopeless, i'm just saying you can't keep looking forward to something better or something without this stuff because it just ain't going to happen. sure, we'll be gettin' more vitamin D in the summer and hell yes it's so nice to not fall on your ass on the ice but i'm so sorry to have to say this, it just isn't going to be easy ever again! no matter what we just gotta stick together and deal together and hell yes that is so important and the cure but damn people you can't keep saying it'll be easy sometime soon because it isn't going to happen and we just have to realize that it's always going to be hard and then maybe it won't feel so difficult because it can't be easy but it can be harder!

this is something i just don't want to have to tell you guys, it's like i've been keeping this weight on me for you or something, at least that's how i feel. i don't want to be the bearer of bad news but someones gotta be and i'm sure this ain't gonna help anything so that's why it's stupid to say but for some reason it's been on my mind for so long, so that must count for something.

i guess, a lot of it too is that i keep hearing about the good ol' days and when parties were good, and drugs were good and when times were better or something and i'm sorry but i wasn't around for those and i am just trying to make these times as good and they would be as good to me if i didn't hear about them being better then and make me feel like i missed out on this easy so much fun life that i just find very hard to believe existed. and i am not going to another city for a little while and we all know other cities are better but they arn't utopias. they arn't perfect they aren't going to keep you away from the shit, because it's going to get you, i promise that you can't escape this shit you can just distract yourself from it.. and i'm trying my fucking best.. i seriously am, but sometimes it's so hard and you all know this much better than i do so why am i telling you?

i'm really ready to face this and i'm really ready to realize that my reality is not the same as yours. that my life, it isn't the same and it doesn't need to be compared, really. i know that my experience is lacking and it's kinda scary to face this because i have to realize that love just isn't going to happen the same for me and i'm fucking lonely but i'm not able to love in that same kinda way and i wish that wasn't true but it is. and if i keep telling myself i'm hopeful it doesn't make that true.. and i guess i just feel like this might be what everyone else is doing too.. like it isn't real. but maybe i'm just jealous of that in you, and that's probably what it is because it seems like no matter what i do or tell myself i just can't seem to get it.

Mon, 31 Jan 2005 03:49:53 GMT

nothing has changed. 'cept maybe i feel worse.

Sun, 16 Jan 2005 12:14:16 GMT

so we went to twisted element, the new gay bar twisted element which turned out to be very fun and for once i actually used my digital camera. well, kenny and beric took most of these, they are kinda fuzzy and all that but i thought they looked cool.

kenny and lindsey watching the dancefloor

lindsey waiting for the right time to dance

riel showing off her fabulous self

teddy dancing on the stage

beric checking himself out in the mirror

beric and myself

lindsey and i chatting away

kenny asked us to look as disgusted as possible

tina just being her bad self

beric and tina

teddy up close and personal

beric and teddy

teddy and kenny

riel and myself chatting

kenny has some gay space for rent.. hah!

Wed, 05 Jan 2005 22:54:54 GMT

well well well good lord i don't know what the fuck i'm on still but i feel like shit, yessir! the party was quite good besides the fact that the hostess with the mostess had to host a party in the waiting room at the hospital and didn't let any guests know until she was going to be late. but we got her their in time with biance by her side and she was back and ready to flounce about in nothing but her pajamas! haha. um i had a good time the whole night is really a blur to me and i can't really remember anything too witty too incredible that i can quote to you but all and all i really love the people that showed up and there wasn't a person there i couldn't stand. in the morning i took a tab of acid and then put on my christmas present from linsey which was this purple power suit with snakeskin and sholderpads and wandered around bossing people around and saying i was their boss/landlord. then i went to Humpty's and claimed to be a CEO or some shit. after that we watched the movie Hairspray and had many happy hours getting drunk in joseph's bed. we ended up pretending we were 12 year old girls at a slumber party playing truth or dare and it got out of hand but fuck was it the most hilarious thing ever! i would quote it but seriously it's a little too much for any of you to handle. the next night i got so drunk i was really depressed and really sad and feeling really sick and i just wanted to i don't know.. die.. ugh. but anyways i couldn't really sleep and i ended up walking in the freezing cold for a long time nearly walking into stuff because i was trying to figure out how to text message with kenny. then the bus came and i went to my grandma's and just wandered around sobbing and eating gross food. eventually i fell asleep. i don't know what the hell that was all about but i seriously have felt really shitty about myself and i am finally realizing that drinking a lot and acting stupid is not helping so i think i am going to lay off the liquor for a while, at least getting to that point with it because i really don't like having to be reminded that i fell and hit my head the night before or whatever else it is i do because i just feel embarassed and uncool.

so i guess everyone at the party got the same sickness or got colds from each other. which makes sense since by association everyone probably kissed everyone else there. you know since you kissed everyone the other person kissed and so on and so on. i don't feel as bad as lots of other people i've talked to which is good but i think it's just because i bought some really good cold medication and i just feel pretty spacey, heh.

i decided i'm not going to housesit for my grandma anymore.. it's really dull there and not being on the trainline is annoying. also, the last bus is at 11:30 and cab ride is about $15. i got my dad to pick me up and bring all my stuff home today and i slept here last night in my own bed which was so nice. i think i'm just going to play my new computer game i got for christmas and laze around the rest of my break but i always say i'm going to take it easy and i never do. riel is still in town as far as i know and i want to see her again so i may just go out and about but who knows. anyways, that's all i can really think to say i haven't really been in the greatest mood or feeling that great about anything so yeah... but whatever.

a message from beyond

Thu, 30 Dec 2004 10:33:03 GMT

i just got a new cell phone and the number is 689-8111 from now on i guess... so uh yeah that's all!

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 19:59:45 GMT

alright so from this day forward i will be at my grandmother's house which is located in Westgate, off 17th ave and i think it's 45th street just before Sarcee. the phone number there is 249-6291. i'll still have the internet and everything so don't worry about that. so, you should call me and we'll hang out. also, there is dancing with sarah and shawn and guests at broken city tonight so people should come!

oh the hollydaze!

Sat, 25 Dec 2004 10:56:32 GMT

well here i go talking about school and geeky things like that but i got a 4.0 this semester! Yes, I got all A's! well actually, I got all A+ except for 2 A's! I am so fucking pumped it's really exciting! Hopfully I get a better scholarship n stuff! I'm really happy about this though and I just wanted to BRAG, sorry!

so it's christmas eve, well i guess technically christmas day, 3:45 am. I slept most of the day so I can't really sleep right now.. I've been trying. Jesus Christ Superstar was on TV so I watched some of that and then this trash show I watch everynight at 2 am called Starting Over which is like all these women "changing their lives and healing" and they basically just cry a lot and bitch about each other but for some reason i just love it. it's pretty sick but fuck man, so am i if you didn't fucking know that by now you should.

i'm going to be housesitting for my grandma soon. she leaves on boxing day so i am going to be getting my shit up there pretty quick like as soon as my parents will drive me with my garbage bags full of clothes. hah! i am pretty excited to like do my own thing and be by myself for a while, i think it will be really nice. i am also excited to like buy groceries and make what i want to eat all the time and stuff like that. i think i will have a few cool people over but that's all. maybe a dinner party or something cutsey like that.

hmm, i think i am going to try and sleep some more now. have a good christmas everyone! happy hollydaze!

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 03:41:14 GMT

oh another good thing you may wanna know.. i think i am IN with one of the lawyers. he just gave me a cookie for helping him send faxes. this time next year i plan to be either be in a cat fight with his ex-wife and being called a homewrecker or announcing to the in laws i'm knocked up! ah finally my rich lawyer asshole dream boyfriend has come into my life! okay, he has a lazy eye but all the better to buy me stuff with!

Thu, 23 Dec 2004 03:21:28 GMT

i'm 7000 days old today.

i took this from gordon's lj

Tue, 21 Dec 2004 02:52:56 GMT

I know these things are a little silly but...

1. Who are you?

2. Are we friends?

3. When and how did we meet?

4. Do you have a crush on me?

5. Would you kiss me?

6. Describe me in one word.

7. What was your first impression?

8. Do you still think that way about me now?

9. What reminds you of me?

10. If you could give me anything what would it be?

11. How well do you know me?

12. When's the last time you saw me?

13. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?

14. Are you going to put this on your livejournal page and see what I say about you?

Wed, 08 Dec 2004 00:51:06 GMT

hey guys! guess what? okay.. since you probably won't really guess i'll tell you ... i got a scholarship for $1000 in the mail yesterday! yeah! i know you're as shocked as i am. it's a pretty sweet deal too, i just basically get $1000 for having good marks, since my grandma is helping me out with tuition this semester i only have to pay a little less than half of it so i get to keep the rest! i'm pretty pumped because i didn't think i'd have any money for presents but i'll be able to get my immediate family something nice and maybe my friends but i don't really buy my friends things because it's hard to pick who to buy for and i can't buy for everyone. but anyways, this scholarship came just in time because i was starting to feel so crappy about school, not like i'm going to drop out but just really really unmotivated and not wanting to do anything. and really, i only have 2 tests to write and 2 papers to write and all of them i am not too worried about.

i've been trying to take it easy lately, going to bed really early and not going out too often. it's okay but i'm pretty bored. and i'm still pretty tired, but not too bad. this weekend was kind of disappointing because i went out on friday and it was just a waste of $10 since i didn't even feel the drink and we just sat in bamboo until we finished. then i missed the train and so joseph, chris, gordon and i watched party monster documentary which is really good actually. it's about some club kid in NY who killed his drug dealer. pretty intense but i was totally jealous i would have loved to be a club kid, even though some of them have gross dangley labret jewelery. when you hear them talk about just being able to do drugs so freely in the clubs and shit, it makes me a little jealous but 'these modern times i have to tell you i don't mind anymore...' then the next night i fell asleep at 8 or something ridiculous and missed the e-mail from joseph that he rented john waters movies and had popcorn.. so sad!

i'm reading a really good book right now. Wicked. yes it's the book the hit musical is based off of! i like it so much. i'm fantasy trash and yes, a little embarassed to admit it but i'll admit it! it's taken me until 100 pages in to get over the whole baum deal but this book is really interesting. so much depth is added to oz and the fucking wicked witch. also, animal rights, haha!

so, i have spring break next week, i think i'll be working a bit but you know whatever i need the dough. but i would like to book up my time with you, yes you, so call me, internet me or whatever and we can make plans.

Mon, 29 Nov 2004 03:26:54 GMT

so um. i got my hair cut and i dyed it black. i would sing paint it black and change the words for you but that's so lame and i would never really do that... uh huh. vancouver was good but i don't feel like it really was as good as it could have been. everyone was a little edgey or maybe it was just me.. heh heh. and i don't know.. ugh. but really, going to a big time gaylord dance party with $3 drinks was so much fun!

i really wish i could find a hot lesbo best friend to keep me company in calgary because mine moved away and is lesboing around with hot trannies and gaylords in vancouver. i'm pretty lonely and i need to meet new people since everyone is moving to vancouver or fucking off soon and i'm going to be here until at least may. also, i'm just pretty sad and lonely.

and why do i have to feel so stoopid about everything i do? seriously i can never just be satisfied or at least even positive about what i said or did i always feel crappy about it and think what i said was horrible and people don't like me because of it. also, riel mentioned casually how she had to like convince kenny i'm cool shit or something and whatever, sometimes you have to i don't really care because yeah i'm not always cool shit and people need to be reminded or shown the light or something.. but it's really just that it brought up that "oh yeah people can possibly talk about me behind my back and i wonder what the hell they're saying...?" thing and way of thinking that i wasn't really expecting to come a knockin' soon and now i'm just holed up in bed getting over that whole staying up for 5 days and not worrying about anything.

funniest thing that happened on the trip though.. was joseph and i eating so much pot butter and being SO STONED oh my god i was so stoned and could not stop laughing and we listened to love inc. tape. heh. also when i put on a mix tape and joseph says "you really like sad girls don't you?"

Wed, 17 Nov 2004 02:11:12 GMT

i'm so bored and my life has gone to shit all of a sudden and i can't do anything except sleep and eat. i can't even make a decision worth my life and i had a horrible weekend and i lost my sweater that was really expensive and really important part of my wardrobe and i doubt i'll get it back i mean it's not that big a deal i can get another one or something but ugh. and i am fucking up at school and not doing well and not handing shit in and i don't really care and i don't want to try or do anything anymore. i'm just going to go to school this week and lay in bed until i go to vancouver which will be sunday or monday i guess. i'm really excited for the trip but nothing else and i am a total mess.

Fri, 12 Nov 2004 12:29:32 GMT

here are some pictures chris took this afternoon on my camera.

i have been pretty up and down lately. mostly i'm worrying about school and sleep and it's keeping me awake alot. i don't think the speed really helped this much but it was fun. i feel like either i never noticed it to this extent before or it's suddenly different but my friends are smart and we talk about things honestly and it's really not just things.

i don't know what is up with my sleeping though, i have been either sleeping so lightly i wake up every 20 minutes or sleeping so heavily i don't wake up until 3pm. right now i am just like waiting for it to be time for me to get ready for school. i think it might be because i am worrying about it so much that i can't.. or because i am thinking about everything and worrying about what i'm doing right and wrong. i wish i could stop going over everything i said all the time and just let it stay where it is.. it's really annoying and i hate making myself feel like an idiot.

last night and this afternoon was really good. i had a great time and i feel like i got a lot of shit out in the open with people and it's so good to discuss things that have been on your mind lately or have someone totally change your idea/opinion on something. i also think it's great that i pushed shawn's van a couple of blocks with kenny, gordon, mattieu and the guy who was test driving it. it's something i always wanted to do and it wasn't as hard as i thought!

i'm really excited to go to vancouver (can i say it again?) i think it's going to be so fun i don't know what i'm looking forward to most!

i think i'm going to go and try to sleep some more now...

Thu, 28 Oct 2004 23:19:46 GMT

oh man it's actually a good picture of me and kenny! from my birthday with tina, there is a photo of tina but her PR person has not yet approved it's distribution and i don't want to piss the starlet off so i will wait on that. heh.

my birthday was really good actually. i mean, it could have been worse. we went and ate dinner, lots of our dinner guests couldn't make it so besides tina's family it was just kenny and i and then eventually lissa. it was good, we got shots of tequila for free and lots of sangria and fried ice cream with chocolate and honey, so good! then we went to vicious circle and a few kids were there and we got drinks and it was good. bad thing was that some of the indie rockers were a little tense and it all didn't mesh so good i don't know maybe it was me being a drunk asshole to them but whatever. also, they RUINED my birthday present, they LIT the candles. you don't fucking do that, you just put them back on the shelf and use them again.. okay. that's how it works, tried and true. and they showed a complete disrespect for the authority that is joseph and riel. i hope that you guys who did this know that i have passed on yr home addresses to riel and joseph and there will be retributions for what you did, i am not sure what yet so i would maybe sleep with your eyes open. after that we went to detours for drugs, i got a little too high and jeez detours is so onto us, they came and caught riel and i in the stall and made me get out, yikes. i don't really remember much there honestly. we went to joseph's after that, teddy, riel and chris went to get offsales, yes i know! my birthday present from adrienne was put to good use as well as chris' present and we had a good time. we just after partied the usual way at chris' and i was kinda sketchy because i was very tired.

this week has been slacker week for me at school, i set my alarm incorrectly TWICE and i had to pull an all-nighter on tuesday because i didn't do my assignment and then my computer crashed and i lost the whole thing and had to retype it. bullshit man because i thought my teacher was going to be a hard ass and not take late assignments, but of course she isn't and she is going to accept them so i stayed up all night (with no drugs) for nothing really. ah well. and today i missed my really important class because i set my alarm to the pm. that's shit and i feel bad because i was supposed to see riel last night but i couldn't because i needed to get to sleep so i wouldn't miss this class and then i did anyways, dumbass, yeah yeah. but, today i won this pass to a conference for printing. the conference is called the dotUnion where is says "bringing circles and squares together" yes folks i'm the circle! haha no no it means bringing dots (how you print) and squares (pixels) together, or that's what i see at the website. Sun Dog printing (one of the biggest ones in calgary) bought 5 passes for students in our program to go, it's like $500/person and like $150 for students. she picked 10 students she thought were doing the best or "most promising" and i was one of them (go figure!) and then she drew 5 names from there and i won! it's really pretty cool and i think it's totally worth it for me to go and maybe i will meet some cool printing people who will get me a job or something sweet like that. also, i think it's pretty rad that i am in the top 10 of my class, not to be a keener or anything.

i am really hoping i can get a haircut soon because i haven't in over 2 months and i really really need one. i thought i might tonight i gave lindsay a call but we'll see what happens. i hope that she can soon because i left my hat on the train, dumbass, yeah yeah so i don't even have anything to cover this ugly mop up with.

i am leeching music from chris g's computer and he has a lot of bands from http://www.morrmusic.com which actually has some really sweet music right now. i like a lot of it and have been listening to it a lot. i'm getting into this style i'm not sure what to call it i guess it's verging on indieish combo with idm. really good though.

Wed, 20 Oct 2004 06:45:06 GMT

alright, the plans are solid now. the appetizers and drinks earlier on (7:30 - 9:30) will be at el sombraro (above ming). we only have a table for 12 so if you are interested in coming i have a few more people i can invite and you are welcome to come have some food and drinks there, please contact me first. otherwise, come to vicious circle at 9:30 on and we will be there drinking and schmoozing and whatever else. there is a pool table and sofas and stuff like that, and sangria! it should be fun, i realize it's a little expensive there so please don't worry if you can only stay for one drink or if you want to just meet me in the alley where you feel more comfortable (and yr forty is welcome). if you really feel the need get me a present but it really isn't necessary! you know i have not given you a present in a long time, right, the golden rule and all of that. but of course a girl just can't say no to diamonds!

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 19:57:34 GMT

eww i feel so disgusting. i remember about this time last year sitting with christopher at 1035 5th avenue and saying something about how people who "really want someone to date" are pathetic and desperate to actually say/think something like that! now look at what i'm thinking. i'm seriously like hoping someone would want to set me up or something so i don't feel like such a big dork sleeping all weekend and watching bad movies about "hard drugs and casual sex" and feeling like shit! so gross, really! i always told myself i'm so much better then that. like that i could have a boy far away and leave it at that or you know, i'm so above that shit that i didn't even need it AT ALL to be happy and that it would never cross my mind. in many ways that is true. but, at the same time, why doesn't anyone want to visit stretchmarkedhoney.com?

so, it is my birthday on saturday and i will be having a split party with tina. we don't have all the details confirmed yet but anyone reading this who would like to come should please let me know and i will give you the details as soon as i have them. i think we'll be going for appetizers and drinks somewhere and then moving to a bar after that, so if one seems more interesting than the other please let me know.. the appetizers/drinks maybe cost you about $20/person because we will probably be getting a group deal with minimum $500 or something like that, you know?

i'm trying to think of something good to do with my hair. i called lindsay today (not sure how to spell her name) and asked for a haircut and i hope that she will have free time this week to do that because i need a change, now! i think i might got back to blonde, nothing makes it feel like summer again then having blonde hair.. and blondes have more fun and everyone loves blondes, haha. i wish i didn't work at this law firm so i could have my hair cooler and peircings. it's really annoying. but i mean, i had asymetrical hair when i got the job so they sort of get it.

i blame it on the snow. i really do. all this badness i feel has to be because of the snow!

the fashion show

Sat, 16 Oct 2004 18:37:55 GMT

as you can see the show went off as smashing as we were smashed!

Thu, 14 Oct 2004 01:20:38 GMT

alright! alright! sheesh can't you let a girl get a little over the top, you know a little woe is me flinging off the balcony? no! you gotta tell her how great she is and all that shit. jeez guys give a girl a little breathing room before you jump her bones already!

hahahaha! sorry i'm such a tart, for real... you guys called my bullshit and i gotta applaud you!

i'm really excited to get soooo drunk and model in a fashion show! i'm going to get too drunk to fuck and too drunk to fight, but probably not because i'm supposed to fuck and fight on stage!

Wed, 13 Oct 2004 00:22:10 GMT

oh guys i feel like crap! i really hate myself! well maybe i just hate this jealous beast inside of me but there is something in there that just makes me feel like crap for no reason! like all the time i want to be at the party or where the action is! and i get so mad when i say, "do the right thing, go home and go to bed!" and then i know i missed out on a fun time and i am so so mad that i didn't just stay and have fun because now WAA WAA! everyone had fun but me! and oh man everyone is in love but me and everyone is hotter than me and i am so pitiful and disgraceful that no one has had a crush on me in fuck um, maybe like, 3 years! you've got to be kidding me.. so fucking sad! my life is so sad and so am i! i know this sounds really sarcastic (phew!) but man i really do feel this sick depression sinking in and you know what that means, the sims all day and never have to think about actually living my life or doing anything productive. i really really hate it when i get like this because i know it's really ridiculous and stupid. my whole life i'm so worried about what everyone else has and i don't or where everyone else is and why i'm not there and no matter what i always think there is something more fun for me to do (not always but lots) and i just can never be satisfied with anything.

(I CAN'T GET NO) SATISFACTION
(M. Jagger/K. Richards)

I can't get no satisfaction
I can't get no satisfaction
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm drivin' in my car
And that man comes on the radio
He's tellin' me more and more
About some useless information
Supposed to fire my imagination
I can't get no, oh no no no
Hey hey hey, that's what I say

I can't get no satisfaction
I can't get no satisfaction
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm watchin' my TV
And that man comes on to tell me
How white my shirts can be
But he can't be a man 'cause he doesn't smoke
The same cigarrettes as me
I can't get no, oh no no no
Hey hey hey, that's what I say

I can't get no satisfaction
I can't get no girl reaction
'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can't get no, I can't get no

When I'm ridin' round the world
And I'm doin' this and I'm signing that
And I'm tryin' to make some girl
Who tells me baby better come back later next week
'Cause you see I'm on losing streak
I can't get no, oh no no no
Hey hey hey, that's what I say

I can't get no, I can't get no
I can't get no satisfaction
No satisfaction, no satisfaction, no satisfaction

Mon, 11 Oct 2004 02:49:45 GMT

so, this weekend has been pretty laid back for me. i stayed up all night on friday and then went to work and was kinda sketchy but it was okay, i work by myself on saturdays so i just bum around the office and don't do much. i left a little early with the intention on taking a nap before going to see rocky horror show at stagewest with sophie. didn't have time to nap and so i just took a shower and listened to music then i got ready. i met with her at 5:30 and we got there at about 6 and started eating. i found the food totally subpar and was a little disappointed. but, i wasn't that hungry you know, all that speed, heh heh. she bought a drink package which meant you got two cocktails (or one martini) and a bottle of wine. both the martini and wine were pretty bad. half way through the bottle of wine we finally realized we weren't even seeing rocky horror! we were seeing something called like the pharmasist's wife or something like that! sophie booked the tickets remembering she read somewhere it was playing now and i guess it really wasn't. we chugged the wine and made a run for it! pretty funny! we kept saying how weird the crowd was and how we were the youngest ones there and it just doesn't make sense why they're arn't any kindergoths there with their parents! we figured out why i guess. it's worth it for the laughs, story of my life!

after that i tried to go out and party with them but the wine just made me tired and i decided to take the train home with beric and his cousins. they are great kids totally cool heh. i just fell asleep right away and got up today and hooked up my new computer! yes that's right, the old grinding sound of my 5+ year old computer and the tiny ass monitor i stole from mdaines is gone! i have a nice new computer that came with a digital camera and scanner/printer! i am really excited! we took a few photos with the camera on the weekend, they turned out alright but really the only one that worked out is two of riel, one with her top off (hello, who's the fucking tammy in this story?!) so i am not gonna post them. i still need to do the polaroid photoshoot because i really want to try and make a favourite outfit zine at school! i'll just have people in random "favourite" outfits and put them in a book, sounds cool to me.

the whole problem with this computer is that i don't have a lot of good programs so if anyone can hook me up with good pirated software please do it! i think i am downloading a version of creative suite right now but it's taking forever and i'm a little sketched out that it'll just be some "trial" version that lasts 30 days. fuck, sorry, enough about that really.

i feel like i don't have lots to say at all, and totally material talking about the new stuff i got! i told everyone and like bragged about it.. i am apoligizing here which is still shit because it's like "you've got to have stuff to read that i'm sorry about bragging about my stuff" but ugh that's the way it goes i guess.

tomorrow is thanksgiving and my mom was cooking stuff for it all day but i guess we're just allowed to eat it because i ate lots of the buns already and my mom ate all the salad she made, haha!

Wed, 06 Oct 2004 04:46:59 GMT

i started listening to the ark again today. i really think they're great! well, some of their songs. my friends, there is no denying our love for glam rock, am i right? also, their lyrics are really good, some of them are totally bang on. i'd like to detach myself from some because i don't always agree/understand where they are coming from on some of the things they say but a lot of it really is so relevant. of the songs i have heard by them, i think the best music and lyric wise are : tell me this night is over, ain't too proud to bow, and it takes a fool to remain sane.

i'm currently debating about what to do with my website. i know i want to just get rid of a ton of content and probably just slowly get rid of it all together. it's really not serving any purpose and i don't feel proud of it, it's actually really embarassing to me. i think i might just put up a little blurb that i will graphic design for people who ask and leave it at that. although i found this artist named guido crepax who is really cool. he draws erotic cartoons and they are really good. you can see some of it here: http://www.crepax.it/ it's in italian but i think google can translate it pretty well. the funny thing is i found out about him in this french porno magazine kevin boyer gave to me that he found on the train somewhere in france. i took it expecting to see dark hairy french girls with red lipstick smoking cigerettes and maybe a baret or two! i was sadly disappointed! it was the same old american crap only i couldn't read any of the articles. anyhow, there was some stuff on crepax and some art that i scanned and am thinking of using if i revamp my website. but, there is this woman i do web design for sometimes and she asked me to help her with a lesbian organization website or something so maybe using the art for that would be cool too.. i'll have to wait and see i guess.

this weekend was pretty up and down and all around and i can't even begin to decide where to start at explaining it and honestly, i don't even really want to think about it and analyze it too much. i'll just say that i feel like the way my mind works is just a lot more simple than other peoples, or that's how i percieve it. i guess i just see it as everything being complex but me being simple but i guess the point is i really don't feel like i know myself either so that kinds of throws it all out the window. crash! haha. no, really though, i know some fucking beautiful people and i am so happy that i feel like they want me around and that we're doing good things and dealing with bad things and you know all of that shit!

i have twenty pages left in electric kool-aid acid test and i am being really slow about finishing it because i don't really want it to end. heh. i'm just curious to know how it ends i guess. i went to this website ken kesey's son made for him, pretty hilarious http://www.key-z.com/.

i think i gave you just about enough links today! i'll just also let you know that on october 15th there is another big gay thing going on in arena niteclub and there is a fashion show which i will be a model in (what the hell!) and tina is dressing me up, which i think will be the theme of this month considering she is dressing me up for halloween and we have our birthdays together. speaking of which, ideas guys! it's on october 23rd! what would people like to see happen on the glorious day of the year that both tina and i were born and born to be crazy [or wild]? we're up for most anything [except wave pools].

Thu, 30 Sep 2004 16:13:31 GMT

i just woke up from this really weird dream. in it someone took me to this huge party in a gym and there was a mix of punks and ravers there.. there was a room with a stage and bands and there was a room with dance music. of course inferno played and so there were all of those kids there. i spent most of my time in the dance music room. i kept looking for the person who brought me there and i couldn't see them and i was really pissed off and i went for a walk or something and missed all the bands including inferno and was really pissed. my walk must have been really long because when i got back it was nearly morning and the cops were there. they were questioning kids on drugs and drinking etc. but it didn't seem to stop the party. there was also this van that needed two drivers because it had a front on both ends, that's what the band drove their gear in! there was also this cute boy wandering around listening to the best IDM on his headphones really loud and somehow i knew the songs but i didn't... and he knew i knew but didn't. it doesn't make a lot of sense, of course, it's MY dream. anyways, the weird part was it was like 9:30 in the morning and i still couldn't find them and i was really hurt and so i wrote this huge long letter and definition of myself! it was really self-defeating and totally dramatic and anti-me and i hid in this part of the ceiling with a microphone and screamed the whole thing and kept adding in the middle "you don't know where i am!" and then the person finally came and listened and was looking all over for me and i jumped down and ran out and got in the cool van. i woke up crying. it was totally fucking strange!

i think that it sorta has something to do with the acid test book because there is this girl that is screaming "who cares!" and freaking out in one of the tests and then they are all high and think they can handle it but also think they need it as part of the test so they just put her freak out over the loud speakers and she just keeps yelling "who cares! WHOOO CARRESS!!" and the other people in the acid test either love it or kinda freak out too. maybe that was my who cares freak out? christ i have no idea.

i decided to stay home from school today because last night i was puking and stuff and didn't feel great. it won't be a big deal i'm sure. i really like just laying around the house, i have shit to do like make a mix tape for irana (i started i'm so sorry!) and clean up my room a bit but i do stuff like make cup cakes and watch movies and sleep.

somebody call the exorcist!

Wed, 29 Sep 2004 18:00:04 GMT

i really have something to say now! haha! i seem to have struck a chord with some of you though, really sang a song right to yr heart and told you the straight out facts when you needed to hear them with my last entry. just call me skiddy "tell it like it is" smith!

i've been thinking hard about my costume, i love the way i think when there is this moment i imagine myself wearing something and i look very airbrushed and perfect how i dream i could look on that night/day and then i start thinking a bit more and i see the real deal... the fact that if i were to dress like a unicorn and put white face make-up on people would think i needed to go to the hospital with my saucer pupils and what the hell is that mane and tail i dare ask!? it's like when the rave is over and they turn the lights on, only i realize i gotta get a better costume or outfit pronto! so, maybe the unicorn is a bad idea although i really love it, i'd like to be that or maybe dorothy from the wizard of oz, may as well milk it.

it's been a while since i have updated. i saw xiu xiu again on the 20th. the show was so good! i think that their drum machine wasn't working for the last show, this time they played all the songs i wanted to hear and i got a little tipsy and danced around. i went by myself, well i met derek but he got kicked out so i was mostly alone, and it was the first time i had done that in a long time. i really don't like spending time alone, especially when i meet all those indie rock friends of mine that ask "who are you here with?" but i proudly said "no one!" that's right, i like xiu xiu so much i'd go see them alone. haha. other than that i just have been going to school and you know, and then i went to see a movie on friday. SAW it's called, pretty scary, we were really stoned and meant to see a zombie movie but went to the wrong theatre. i thought it was good though.

i've been playing this character named tammy, she is a real wild broad from brooklyn, has a few kids that are living with her mother right now upstate so that she can furthur her career. she is a journalist see, for playgirl. you know the column fantasy vs. reality, all her. and girls she is just playing into the inner workings of your mind. her next big carreer move is into the greeting card industry.. you know the classic "so the condom broke... AGAIN! Congrats, doll." and lots of pictures of hot men with no shirts on just for fun! she's got the rude new york attitude down, and let's face it, we all need a bit of her TLC (tender lovin' crass). you'll see her in the clubs and raves wearing booty shorts and an american flag bikini top, and she'll have her share of any of those hot, sweaty, shirtless men.. even in the gay bar! (they might even put on a glowstick show for her) they just can't resist her!