||[Sunday, December 11th, 2005 @ 7:58pm]
So, I made a wish list on amazon.com
and I think I put everything I want on there. Shoes, Two belts, Two jackets, Two shirts, Three CDs.
I picked "Armor For Sleep", "Thrice", and "Chiodos" to let you know lol.
But. My biggest breakthrough of the night was....
Talking to Jake, yes, of all people. IMed me, it was .. awkward isn't even the word of, I don't know what would be the word..s for it. I think it's a good thing we talked, friends and all. I'm happy. He's probably going to come..soonish, nice long talk about everything. I just want to be friends, nothing more, nothing less. And, he gets who I am now. I think, he's one of those people, who have to work through it. BUT, you know what? I can't wait....I want to see him, I want to talk..NOW even. Like tonight with CJ, when my parents left I was like "Come over." He's like "When" I'm like "NOW". Because, I wanted to see him, we just had a lot to talk about I guess too. 47 more hugs. Me and Jake made all these stupid plans, I love it. It's what I miss. He's going to come over, my mom is going to watch his son Leland, me and him will probably go to like..Big Cypress Lake and talk. Then the week after? IOA..Island of Adventures. And...you know..he's going to see me freak out on every ride there.
I'm happy, but not smiling. I want to FUCKING smile like I mean it. Not the stupid fake ones I wear so well. Someone make me completely happy. For once.
Everyone buy me presents. This is what I want/like.
I buy presents back. Don't worry
A Gold and Sliver belt like this.
Both of these purses.
This in sliver.
Armor For Sleep
|Note To Self..I Miss You Terribly ♥
||[Sunday, December 11th, 2005 @ 9:16am]
You know what makes me happy...
_♥ Bright Colors
_♥ When my parents aren't screaming at each other
_♥ Severing the ties with people
_♥ Talking to old friends
_♥ Listening to old FOB
_♥ Making up
_♥ Going to shows
_♥ Making out
_♥ 50 hugs
_♥ Chiodos&&From First To Last
I don't know, I think growing up is a part of what I really am going through, because, I've just become so sick of everything going on around me. People got lame quick, life got lame quick, but when I stand up to the bat to be like you know what "Fuck you. Fuck this. Fuck everyone". They all freak out, except for the nice ones, they're all "It's good your speaking your mind with honesty for once" Because, I AM SOO SORRY if I had to get it out, and I did, what else was going to do, sit here with all the frustration? Now, to Jenn's LJ. She's completely right, everyone runned to her with forgiveness, I'm the bad one right? OH YES, you know what, how I see it, a lot of you are the bad ones too, it's not always my fault, you can't blame everything on me. Fuck that. Fuck you. Mostly. And I will not blow you, either. MHM.
"Bury me standing under your window with the cinder block in hand
Yeah cause no one will ever feel like this again
And if I could move I'm sure it would only be to crawl back to you
I must have dragged my guts a block... they were gone by the time we talked
I think, people need to try this new thing, that Meaghan did and I'm starting to do, forgive and forget, or I'd still be pissed off at CJ. Okay when someone doesn't talk to you for 32 days and basically disappears off of the face of the earth, yeah you'd be pretty upset. Espeically when that guy was really close to you, and you cared a lot about.
"WooOoOo, I want to hate you half as much as I hate myself.
But you know that I could crush you with my voice.
But now, I just think even as much as you want to forget, it's hard not too. I find it hard not too, because I can't forget, everything I do reminds me of a lot of people I miss. Online and Off. It really sucks sometime, to be wanting to call someone, and you can't, because you know. They're not there. That's when I found new people, I guess in a sense that's how me and Jen became friends, we are there for each other, no matter what time it is. I'll always answer the phone for her. I only have a couple "Do anything for" friends, and she's one, so is Erin. Everyone else? It's limited chances...like...really limited, I'm sick of putting up with shit....extremely sick.
"Stood on my roof and tried to see you forgetting about me
Hide the details I don't want to know a thing
I wish that I was as invisible as you make me feel"
And yeah, writing that entry about me &Insert Your Name Here& I think you know I'm talking about you, was trying get me upset, which it didn't...I started laughing, and I know that was serious, but I couldn't help it. It maybe upsetted me, but not majorly. I'm so lame, I laugh at serious stuff. But, I guess, that was you trying to instigate something, even if you said it wasn't. I think, as hard as you try, you'll always trying to bring up things with me, trying to start something with me. Just get this, I won't take it seriously, because I don't take a lot seriously anymore. Being serious ruins things, sha, I know. I hate being serious now. I have to control not laughing SO much x_x;
Anyways. More later, I'll post my Christmas list here, I'm going to go make it.
||[Saturday, December 10th, 2005 @ 10:41pm]
I completely understand a lot at the moment. Maybe it's one of those things, where I become more understanding towards things. I don't know, CJ says I've grown up a lot. I believe him, completely now.
Because, I realize it a lot. From not talking to him for 32-fucking-days. And, my dear, I am not blaming you at all. We are both to blame, I just think it's amazing we went that long without saying a word to each other. He really missed me..and I really missed him more than anyone. Because, he's someone I can talk to about anything, and I don't think he'd judge me by what I say, well I know that for a fact. He's someone that you actually want to hang out with, which I'm FINALLY doing Wednesday from 9:00to12:20Pm.
I need to smile more too...And Smile like I mean it.
Okay back to what I was getting to, Jenn has been well...in a way insperational? Lame huh, but true. She wrote things in her LJ, that made me think. She did the same as me, but then again, everyone thinks it's fine if she does it, but when it comes to me? I'm completely wrong, I'm horrible, I'm nothing, I'm useless. Because, to be honest with everyone, that's how you made me feel, and I hope you're happy for it. But, I picked myself up a lot, I learned so much in the past couple of months. I don't know if I see myself with my boyfriend forever..but then again I don't know, I don't see myself going off to the college my parents want me to go too, I don't see myself having a best friend again. She hurt me, it felt literally like she ripped my heart out. But, I'll always love her. I don't know if I ever could do the things I've done. Because, now, looking back and reflecting, it's so wrong. I am a horrible person, but, I'm getting better.
As much as "You" say you've moved on, it's apperent you haven't, and it's apperent to everyone else around you. I miss a lot in life, I miss smiling, I miss being able to not have to drink to feel happy, I miss having what I use too. But, I never really had that. Did I? No. Because I wasn't true to myself, and now that I am? It makes me feel almost fufilled. I have a best friend, online. I love her to death, and I want summer to come now. She's my Taco Bell Grill Sex. ♥ She's there throughtout anything and everything.
Someone had said what if I, Me died what would they do, this was when they were mad at me. And it made her realize, our fight everything was stupid, that she'd feel bad. And, I think about if he, her, her, he, her died, what would I feel like...I don't know if I'd deal properly with it. I don't deal with death well, even though, the person is moving onto a better life as I put it. I could do it, death is scary for me. I've had so many people die around me in the past couple of months, it sucks.
And to be truthful, I just want to live again.
"When you go, I will forget everything about you" - Fall Out Boy.
Honestly, I can't forget a lot, as much as I say I do. I can't. I miss good and bad times with friends and family. I miss Amanda..and I still don't understand why God had to take her away from me. Why did he have to let her die..why can't she still be here with me, staying weeks and laughing for hours. She was such a beautiful girl..Amanda. I love you, and I'll never forget so many things.
"SO. And when it all goes to hell. Will you be able tell me sorry, with a straight face" - Fall Out Boy.
I'm done writing for now.
Probably not...Because talking about memories and Amanda, has made me cry.
R.I.P Amanda ♥ You'll always be my peanut butter to the jelly ♥
|My copy and pasted version of Myspace
||[Saturday, December 10th, 2005 @ 6:24pm]
You know what happens when you're randomly pissed off at the world, and there's nothing better to do and staring at the computer screen? You end up telling everyone what you think about them, and this is what I came up with. Hence, I copied everything I wrote from myspace and put it here instead. Call me a motherfucking bitch, but that's what I am. And this is how I feel about everyone, I'm being honest for once.
Fuck friends. Fuck Life. Fuck guys. Fuck Girls. Fuck school. Fuck everything. I'm done caring about everything. Anyways..
Erin <3 Okay, Nothing bad to say. I don't know, you've always been there for me, no matter how much shit is going on. You're the girl I run too, and I'm the girl you run too. This summer is going to kick ass, I can't wait. Summer '06 bitches. I'm going to get you shitfaced and fucked up at the same time, then drive around listening to loud music. You're the one who throughout my life, I don't think I could forget.
Jen<3 The girl who I fucking can hate sometimes, but I never mean it. I don't know, even through what has happened this week. I can't put myself in the place to hate you, I love you to death. Fuck Tyler. Fuck boys. Fuck them all. But, you know what? No matter what, even if Jenn isn't there for you, you know I will be. You tell me you care, and you're the second person I believe who says that to me.
FUCKING Gina- You know what? I'm going to be straight up. I know you fucking talk about me behind my back, guess what, get the fuck over it. I lied, shit happed, and you know what? Part of life, shit just happens, and I think you need to move past it, because obviously I have. You're a fucking bitch to be saying the shit I hear you say about me. Because, I have nothing to say about you, I don't even bring you up anymore, why should I? Why would I want too. You were my best friend, but you know what? I really don't care about anything anymore.
Tori <3 Okay, we've hated each other, and loved each other. We're like..weird I dunno. My blind blue fish, I shall always be your Pink Taco. <3 I don't care what other people say, because it's hard hating people and I'm glad you don't hate me because it was actually hard not to hate you. I just..I dunno. We click? Lol
Jake - And to you, my dear. I lied. I cried. Pain happens. Shit happens. Basically what I wrote about that .. person (See up). But, people need to move on, as much as you hate me. You can't rest on the past, I've told you this before, because resting on it, will do no good for youself (Yeah Gina, fucking read this too. It's about you too). I think we have a lot to talk about, and you have a lot of shit to get over. And, honestly I don't want to talk to you over the internet about a lot of this. I'm fucking sick of it, Internet is like the fucking OC it causes drama and depression. Honestly, before? You left me depressed a lot, and I just couldn't bare it. So things happened. Yahoo turned to the shits AIM was better. Bottom line,dollface. Shit happens.
Rissa - Just don't say shit, don't be a nark. It's obvious you just want everyone against me. I think you should read what I said to Jake. I know what I did wrong, and obviously I don't lie anymore. I'm not scared anymore and I have nothing to FUCKING hide. Shit happens, we weren't even friends. I have no reason to like you, you think you have self-confidence, but it's a proven fact. Fat people don't. I DON'T CARE. I'm calling you exactly what I think of you assssssss. FAT. hl/earighatgjnrikeagjt
Cass&&Lauren; Okay. One word for these too. Cute. I just adore them, I think they're adorable sisters. Lauren is my book freak, and Cass is just dorky but SO adorable. Cute Cute aiolreg Cute.
Break. And yes, that's only the first part. HAHA. Fucking wicked I know. Everyone was like "Yeah those people suck" I was shocked that I wrote that honestly. Okay second part.
Rissa - Just shut up. You're getting old, quick. I don't lie anymore. I have no reason too, I'm one of the most secure and self confident people around and I won't fucking hide myself anymore. I'll write and say exactly what I think about you, to you. Because, I'm sick of you hearing lies from others about what I said, and you spreading rumors and crap about me. That's being immature. Hm. Weird, huh.
Cathy - I don't even know what say, I just know I missed you last time. So yeah &Insert something..random here&
Josh - Erm, you can annoy me. Like the whole favor thing, that's a big pet peeve, understand that. I don't have a lot of do anything for friends. I'm just glad you stopped asking. And, I want to Rp OC with you sometimeee.
The only IRL person here - Don't talk about me, don't say anything about me. You're the only IRL person on here. I don't like you and I just don't care. And you make me pissed off just thinking about you, I hope you fucking smile in your sleep because of it. I know you've talked about me, and that's just lame. I don't talk about you to anymore, waste of breath honestly.
Okay. That is my feelings at the moment, And I'm going to speak honesty with everyone from now on, about how I feel about them and towards them. If you want to know how I feel about you, or what I've "apperently" said about you, fucking ask me. Not the rest of the world, I'm so sick of this bullshit. And espeically internet bullshit, don't take it seriously. Everyone has their flaws, I've gotten past a lot of mine, that doesn't mean you have the right to point them out, I'll be the first to tell you my flaws, or the one I see as a problem.It comes down too, stop talking about me, stop trying to turn my friends against me, stop trying to be my friend, stop saying you care about me, stop acting like you know me (Because you fucking DON'T anymore), stop saying I do things that I don't. Okay, I'm good, had to get that out. Kthx. <3
Yeahhhh. I'm okay I promise..
||most recent entries