It's always hard for me to put into words how I feel. I think it's because of my private nature that I rarely find the chance and/or the courage to vocalize my thoughts to another human being. It's no secret that the past couple of months have been a roller coaster ride for me. After the breakup and what followed shortly after (i.e., a new girlfriend for him), I found myself in a state of shock, confusion, bitterness, and ironically, heartache. Yes, the breakup was "mutual" in a sense that both of us agreed it wasn't working out. But I still find myself wondering if it really
was "mutual", or if that's the conclusion we came to because my fragile self wouldn't be able to handle the truth.
That was just 2 months ago and as much as I would love to tell myself that I've completely moved on, the truth of the matter is that I'm
still (pathetically) in a state of shock, confusion, and bitterness, though to a much lesser extent. Sometimes I think I'm just overreacting to all of this. I meant what I said when I told him I just wanted him to be happy. Things seem to be going great for them, and it's great that he's found someone that complements him so well in such a short time. I'm supposed to be happy for him, right? Isn't that what a good "friend" is supposed to be?
BUT IT'S SO HARD TO BE! As childish and ridiculous as it sounds, I don't think I'm ever going to be completely accepting of her and their relationship because of the circumstances. It's like, one day he tells you he loves and misses you, and the next week, he is saying the exact same things to a different girl. How am I supposed to feel about that? Am I so easily replaceable? Just like that? I mean it's not like I'm still in love with him or want to get back with him. That's just not gonna happen. It's just sad how things came to be. We rarely talk, and when we do it's a casual "good luck on finals" or "just wanted to say hi." It's tense and awkward when we actually meet up in person - not the usual comfortable silence that I'm used to. I know that things will
never be the same again, and I admit that my stubbornness probably plays a huge part at that. I know I shouldn't expect anything from his side, so why I feel hurt when he seems insensitive to my feelings is beyond me. It's completely unrealistic and selfish of me to ask
anything of him. I just hope that one day, I can finally let it all go, take it for what it is, and just learn from it. It's my challenge now.
Darn you, stubborn heart.
OHEMGEE. I feel so emo. I told myself I would never publicly write about this, but tonight, I don't really care what other people think. In fact, I think it's about time I stop caring so much about what others think. I just need to get this out because it's been on my mind for a while. Whatever. Anyway, I was browsing around and coincidentally found this entry by Keiko Lynn (designer of
Postlapsaria) that explains SO much of how I feel. Seriously, it's like she read my mind.
( couldn't have said it better myself )
