Towards the Sinister...

My voice just echoes off these walls...

Wed, 07 May 2008 18:44:09 GMT

She's mostly gone
some other place.
I'm getting by
in other ways.

I keep panicking at work. It's really fucking me over. I need this fucking promotion. I'm really struggling for cash, and I'll never move out if I can't start saving soon.

Everything they whispered in our ears,
is coming true.
Try to justify the things,
I used to do.
Believe in you.

I've been writing again. It's getting better, almost as easy as it used to be. Almost. I still have to keep shaking myself out of what the Doc calls Depersonalisation, i.e. Autopilot.

Watching you drown.
I follow you down.
I am here,
right beside you.

And I keep having extremely lucid dreams, really fucked-up, hyper-real dreams like someone's put a high-contrast filter on my life, and the sounds... oh my god. I'm hearing them while I'm awake, too, and it's really fucking me up. Especially the barking thing.

The lights in the sky
finally arrive.
I am staying
right beside you.

I was just standing there, in the stairwell today, the sun all shiney-shine and I was frozen, rooted to the spot, because any minute something was going to burst out of that door, bark-bark-barking-snarling-clawing-screaming. Fast, too fast.

But nothing came.

I tried to stay away,
just in case.
I've come to realise
we all have our place.

Apparently the most common thought during those "episodes" or "attacks" is, simply, I'm going mad, but all I could think was... stupidly... I mean, I almost laugh now... "I'm going to get fired for this." Because I knew I was going to do something really fucking oh-shit-look-she's-a-proper-crazy-girl-I-hope-she-doesn't-try-to-talk-to-me-what-a-shame.

So, once again it was back to what Louise calls "avoidance", i.e. locking myself in the toilet and thinking about slamming my head against the wall until whatever fucking dirt in my head could finally ooze out.

Time, time has a way you know,
to make it clear.
I have my role in this.
I can't disappear,
or leave you here.

Except I didn't, of course, because there is no dirt, no sludge. It's all chemicals and thought-processes. It's a Vicious Cycle of Anxiety. Yeah, anxiety disorder and OCD make you hallucinate, kids. Be afraid.

Still, there's Euan, and Euan helps a fucking lot. I've never been so relieved to get into that big, mean-looking blue car as I was this evening. Just two and a half hours ago.

Feels like a lifetime.

Watching you drown,
I'll follow you down,
and I am here right beside you.

He doesn't like that I don't talk to him, but what could I say? Oh, sorry I was just trying not to see black rainbows shooting out of your eye-sockets. Could you repeat that please?

Yeah. Don't think so.

The lights in the sky,
are waving goodbye.
I am staying right beside you.

But hey, let's end this on an And Finally..., a friendly note, a little Moral Message:

I've still got him, despite this weird shit, and you know... I think I may have him for some time to come.

Baby steps...

Reasons why I will probably NOT add you.

Fri, 11 Jan 2008 13:52:16 GMT

I would just like to remind everyone of a few rules I will never, ever break, for any exception.

Children, if your friend comes bitching to you because I did not add him/her/it back, it will have been for one of the following reasons:

1) I WILL NOT, AND WILL NEVER ADD ANYONE WHOSE LJ CONSISTS OF SOMETHING ALONG THE LINES OF THE FOLLOWING:

Trying a new diet today lol, dropped 15 pounds but its so not enough GOD I'M SO FAT lol I know but seriously I just wanna DIE CUS I'M FAT. ZOMG. I just wanna go throw up!!!!!1

Tell your pathetic little attention-whoring friend to go bother someone else.

2) I simply haven't gotten round to adding them yet.

Tell your impatient little friend to get over it.

3) Their LJ consists of posts along the lines of the following:

lol me an mike got SO HIGH last night lol then we took some es and it was soooooo funny cus I was puking everywhere an then we listend to sum mansin and it was like whoaaaa an tomorrow mike says hell get me some smack.

Tell your attention-whoring, sad fucking dipshit of a friend to get over it.

4) They are a member of a pro-ana community.

Just fucking no, and don't try bitching to me about "choice" I'll just report you and have you banned.

5) They're actually a troll and you're too fucking stupid to realise it.

6) All of their posts consist of obscure/pop lyrics and MASSIVE pictures.

Yes, I do make use of image placeholders, but that doesn't give you the right to rape my friends page.

7) All of their posts consist of them trying to show the internets how hardcore they are by constantly documenting one or more of the following and NOTHING ELSE:

# How many drugs they have taken this week
# How many cigarettes they have smoked this week
# How, lyk, WASTED they are right now (the occassional drunk post is permitted)
# How many guys/girls they have pulled this week
# How DEPRESSED they are because, lyk, their mom won't buy them a new car/computer/ipod/etc.
# Their obsessive fandom AND NOTHING ELSE BECAUSE IT CONSUMES THEIR BLEAK LITTLE LIVES.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I invite you all to GET OVER IT.

P.S. This post is public just so you nutjobs out there can LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE.

Friends only

Fri, 08 Jul 2005 00:58:07 GMT

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