a gripping mess of ink

__innocuous @ 2008-07-15T15:27:00

2008-07-15T19:33:24Z

Have you ever looked at yourself in the mirror? Like REALLY looked at yourself. I've been doing this a lot recently and it's been one of the most terrifying things ever. I have this habit of talking to myself and wording my thoughts out loud so that I can really hear them. But the other night, I talked to myself aloud while staring at myself in the mirror and it was a fucking surreal experience. When you really look at yourself and you examine your face and hear your voice being echoed throughout the room and you look at your surroundings and realize where the fuck you are, it really fucking hits you that this is your life. This is my life right now and it's really fucking happening and there's nothing I can do to stop it. This isn't a movie, not some book, this is reality; and maybe I don't need to try to keep make sense of everything. Maybe I'll always be confused and I'll always be anxious and have this sinking feeling inside my chest, but maybe that's okay. Life has it's ups and downs and sometimes I can't believe this shit is really happening to me. And even though I know I'll get out of this funk eventually and feel like myself again, maybe it never really stops.

__innocuous @ 2008-05-18T14:13:00

2008-05-18T18:14:26Z

feelin' better, finally. 4 more days till I go home! Then, back to the valley.

I am too excited to decorate my new house, god damn!

__innocuous @ 2008-04-17T20:04:00

2008-04-18T00:19:07Z

Today I got to check out the house which I will be living in this summer here in Amherst.

These are all Pauline's pictures (she lives in the house too).

The space in the room that I'll be renting out is pretty luxurious and I can't wait to decorate it into a polaroid wonderland. I also have a door leading straight to the porch in my room, where I can freely smoke cigarettes and blaze. Thank you Ben Janas and thank god for off-campus living.

Spring is beautiful. I haven't appreciated sun and breeze in so long, especially after having survived a soul-crushing winter. I am pretty content right now, but we'll see how long that lasts. I've been trying to just go with the flow and not question things anymore. Whatever happens will happen and I should just stop trying to take control of everything.

__innocuous @ 2008-03-16T17:11:00

2008-03-16T21:21:58Z

Oh hey so there was this time that I flew to Montreal and I got to the airport and Gaspard Augé & Xavier de Rosnay of JUSTICE sat next to me at the terminal and I talked to them & they were on my flight. Yeah, that's what happened this morning and apart of me couldn't help but scream with excitement inside. I wanted to get a picture so badly but my camera was in my check-in luggage, FUCK. Caitlin and I are going to the L’Université de Montréal tonight to see if we can get in to the show since we missed them last night in Boston.

Montréal is beautiful. I just bought a bottle of Pinot Grigio and we are getting settled in our loveshack caravan (literally). Let the festivities begin!

__innocuous @ 2008-03-14T13:31:00

2008-03-14T17:33:17Z

montreal, here I come!

I am way too hungover right now from last night. shoot me in the fucking face.

__innocuous @ 2008-03-11T17:52:00

2008-03-11T21:53:16Z

oh p.s. I found out I have a ganglion cyst on my left wrist today. awesome.

yes sir, no sir

2008-03-11T21:52:31Z

ryan dunn is my boo.

I'll be the first to admit, these pictures are only mildly entertaining. but, proceed.

iphotobooth w/ ryan

dana, me, & nate. clearly fucked up.

random pictures from february

chillin' with ben

way to look like a douche bag.

merola

baby boo

greg, andre, julia, and some girl.

david!

ryan

I need to get out of this place right now, it's becoming too much to handle. I'm off to Montreal in a few days, thank god! It will be nice to be in a place where I can just drink & be merry and get my mind off things. I've got so much work to do the next few days, I don't even know where to begin. That vape is starting to take over my life.

Adjusting back to super singles life is hard, I'm still having trouble. I'll admit, I miss seeing him everyday and just cuddling in his arms, but I have to realize that he's like a 10 year old boy. He can't give me what I want and he doesn't even know what he wants. This break from him will probably do me some good...I er, hope at least. I don't know, things are weird.

scissor paper rock

2008-02-19T03:52:46Z

anthony

my house back in california.

Jen! in hollywood on a Pink's Hot Dog run.

Chris, Dana, etc.

Julia, aww.

Merola-face.

harry looks really excited.

harry's mask is a hit.

ryan totally digs it.

zach

john

DG!

nina

breakfast with ben

& merola.

Life has been a whirlwind lately, I just don't know what to do. I went to this party at Hampshire on Friday to get away from UMass people but then right when I walk in, I see half the people I see every weekend. It was kinda whack so I bounced and just went back to nina's and talked till the wee hours of the morning like the old days. I spent pretty much all of Saturday with Chris. I got breakfast with him and Ben, then I made him watch Hard Candy with me (a precautionary tale ahah). He took me out to dinner, which was nice, free meal! Then last night I got wicked fucking stoned cause of caitlin's vaporizer. Seriously, what the fuck man.

Overall, whutta weekend. The weather is shitty. SPRING WHERE ARE YOU?!

Thanks Dan!

2008-02-11T23:45:37Z

from awhile ago while I was still in LA. Photo Cred - Dan Mekpong

from the other day while I was bored.

I guess this post was partially to feed my own narcissism. I suck.

I missed my therapy appointment today, for like the 3rd time. FUCK. It is currently 20 degrees outside and I never want to leave my room. I think I'm going to go visit Chris tonight though...hopefully I won't just end up upset at the end of the night. Caitlin & I booked a trip to Montreal, QC today and I am a little freaked out by how drunk I'll probably be all spring break. I don't know why I can't just let things flow, I always have to take control of every situation and know what's going on between me and the other person. My mind keeps wandering into the realm of my repressed sexual desires. I write in choppy sentences. My brain hurts.

__innocuous @ 2008-01-29T02:10:00

2008-01-29T07:26:44Z

harry harrison: intergalactic boy wonder.

julia

chris merola-face!

I don't even know what's going on.

julia & merola's foot

dana

caitlin

harry, behind his panda mask.

some fuckin' guy.

I liked that one.

First night back at "the zoo," very unexpectedly drunk. Caitlin's neighbor lured us into his room while we were watching Lost and fed us margaritas. Next thing I know I'm stumbling around becoming best friends with everyone. Then went up to Baker and saw a couple of old friends, good times all around. Ugh, I was so hungover this morning I couldn't even believe it. Overall, I'm really glad I'm back. My optimism about this semester has been paying off! I know it's only been 2 days, but I really did miss this snowy new england frontier.

We watched "La Haine" in my cinema & psyche class today...wow, I was blown away. I should really get my shit together, I've already skipped a class. I suck at life.

__innocuous @ 2008-01-26T23:10:00

2008-01-27T04:25:34Z

Back to school

I like my heart night light. goodies from the dollar tree!

I swear I read books other than chuck klosterman. all on the shelf above this one!

closet space

Man, I missed my room. My flight back today was really tedious and exhausting. I didn't sleep at all last night cause I thought I could just sleep on the plane but this little baby behind me kept screaming and kicking the back of my chair, gah. Suffice it to say, I am fuckin' beat right now. I can't wait to curl up in my snug bed again and wake up whenever I want to without being yelled at. Everyone's coming back tomorrow! Reunions galore! Still trying to stay optimistic bout this semester, but I guess we'll see what happens.

I've been doing a lot of soul-searching recently. I'm starting to think I don't have one. I miss you Heathcliff Andrew Ledger.

__innocuous @ 2008-01-19T17:30:00

2008-01-20T01:46:11Z

sweet headband vasco.

nick and vasco. my camera kinda sucks.

vasco's fabulous mother.

cat lady.

I forgot which cat this one was, there were like 5 of them (all of which I was allergic to).

yummm.

other stuff

from when jen and I got pinks

dan

my favorite thing of the day.

arclight theatre hollywood. 14 bucks a ticket, jeez.

the only snowflakes the west coast know.

So after kickin' it aimlessly for the past month in pasadena, I'm finally flying back to the east coast in exactly a week. For the most part, I am indifferent about the whole thing. Excited yet not. I'm going into this semester optimistic, but we'll see how it goes. I've been watching a lot of Lost and ANTM marathons to get through the rest of the break (what with everyone gone and all). Fresh Prince till 5 am every morning has become my life (aka, i dont have one). someone teach me how to play a zither.

p.s. I watched cloverfield the other night and I was very disappointed. Plus it made me motion-sick like a motherfucker. OK BACK TO PROJECT RUNWAY!

__innocuous @ 2008-01-05T02:35:00

2008-01-05T10:48:34Z

me at my most attractive.

sandy bought me a fisheye camera for xmas. I decided to try it out.

the bitch.

Dan

Jen

A big delicious bowl of pho

Dan's deatheater tattoo. it's real!

i ran into vasco!

candies at famima

my house got exposed to light.

There was a power failure at in my house today because of the shitty weather. What the fuck man, I did not come back to california for flash flood warnings. Anyways! I checked my grades for this past semester and I was pleasantly surprised! I'm well on my way to raising my GPA to go abroad next spring (hopefully). Everyone's going back to school soon, whereas I will be stuck here for the next 3 weeks..fuck. Better get ready to watch an intense amount of Lost to kill the time.

btw, cloverfield looks LEGIT.

__innocuous @ 2007-12-27T01:20:00

2007-12-27T09:33:07Z

dan's early xmas present to me!

aww

yoo furby

don't be fooled. she's an asshole.

visits to famima

incredible.

old town pasadena

sometimes i look like a goofy 10 year old girl.

I've said it once but i'll say it again, i'm happy to be home. driving down the 101 to hollywood, pho runs with dan & jen, movie marathons like no one can believe, long talks with those I haven't seen in forever. I know it's only been 4 days since I've been back and the novelty will probably wear off soon considering i'll be here for 5 weeks, but I'll just try to appreciate this while I can. I still have so many people to see!

I saw Juno last night, aww. OOH! and I laid my eyes on my soulmate at amoeba the other night! Unfortunately, I was too scared to talk to him. Dan was going to go tell him I thought he was adorable, and then I ran away before he got a chance. I suck.

__innocuous @ 2007-12-25T00:51:00

2007-12-25T09:03:12Z

My dad bought me this camera today for xmas. it's pretty sexy looking. i'm excited!

I am back in LA right now and I can't help but feel so grateful to be home.

Even though I still have my ups and downs with this place, I don't think I've ever felt the biggest feeling of relief being here in my entire life. The past four months have been horrible, depressing, and just shitty overall. I'm sorry to sound like a debbie downer, but this was just the worst semester I've ever had. I'm hoping to come back to something completely different. I already have a feeling that things will start looking up in 2008. Pauline and I are thinking of going to France for spring break, maybe the Dominican Republic (everything is in the works). I can't wait to see what happens.

Last week of school: wrote paper after paper after paper, spent 10 hours in the library a day, took over 100 mg of adderall all together, didn't sleep or eat for days, read an uncountable number of pages for finals, and went a little insane.

The last week did have its upsides though. Staying up till 7 in the morning with Caitlin, getting stoned, watching walker texas ranger clips, talking and laughing about anything and everything. That pretty much sums up our relationship.

I'm just glad to be back. It's hard to leave sometimes.

__innocuous @ 2007-08-29T18:11:00

2007-08-30T01:11:11Z

3 more days till I'm ready to dipset outta this piece. THANK GAWD.

Since I'm in a good mood, have some free music!

ADVANCE

Akron/Family - Love Is Simple

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?e2alhpdbom5

This album doesn't come out till sometime in mid september. I haven't listened to the whole thing yet, but I enjoy what I've heard so far.

Justice - Cross

http://www.mediafire.com/download.php?1emfadigmw9

One of the best electro/dance albums I've heard in awhile. This is definitely one of my current favorite albums; great beats, fun to dance to, epic in general.

Oh, and let it be known if you are taking any so that I can decide whether or not I will keep posting free music in future entries. Gracias.

__innocuous @ 2007-07-30T13:17:00

2007-07-30T20:26:09Z

dan looking very emo

that's better!

we met up with casey afterwards. a freshly bald casey. it was scary as hell.

frightening.

aww

blurry, but still adorable.

once again: frightening.

On Saturday me & dan met up and were originally going to go watch the simpsons movie but it got sold out, ugh. So we ended up going to the midnight screening of Evil Dead 2 at the rialto instead. Ran into vasco there! such good fun. Next week at midnight: Harold and Maude. I buy way too many fucking clothes.

__innocuous @ 2007-07-28T16:43:00

2007-07-28T23:45:20Z

I got over 74 dollars worth of american apparel clothes today for only 20 dollars total. oh god, i love hook ups ahahah.

me and lauren. fun stuff!

__innocuous @ 2007-07-22T15:01:00

2007-07-22T22:04:52Z

last night was exhausting, amazing, stressful, carefree, annoying, and glorious all rolled in to one. all in all, it was epic.

(not my picture)

I was a little disappointed that Daft Punk played the same set as they did at Coachella, but whatever. Ratatat was so beautiful it just made the ends of my mouth curl and tug in to a smile the entire time. Some argue that The Rapture would've been more fitting but hey, I've already seen them before and I've missed ratatat 3209825 times so I was so happy to have finally seen them.

pros: making friends with those 3 wicked chill dudes in front of us who were really nice to us when we were wasted, dancing my ass off (at least for the first hour), good times with friends, randomly seeing people I hadn't seen since middle school, denny's afterwards.

cons: the flat tire on the way there, the opening band playing for wayyyy too fucking long, the low life scum on earth dude bros that were being complete dicks to us the entire time, and feeling like I was going to faint and/or have a heat stroke because I was dehydrated and hadn't eaten that much.

__innocuous @ 2007-07-07T12:02:00

2007-07-07T07:13:23Z

scotty my boy!

4th of July

Dan, all american apparel'd out.

drunk/stoned royce

The past couple days have been alright. Hanging out with old company and enjoying life.

High school parties are so fucking lame and pointless and being there just reminded me of why I never hung out with those kids back when I was in high school. Not to say that college parties are any more meaningful (cause they can be pretty gay too), but I guess being here just always puts me back that state of awkwardness I always felt back in the day. That's life I guess.

I came back and just spent the rest of my night talking to Sandy on the phone for hours. Enjoyable as always.

Daft Punk in 2 weeks! I think I'm going to up to San Francisco next weekend.

__innocuous @ 2007-05-24T12:42:00

2007-05-24T16:44:24Z

Going back to cali, strictly for the weather
Women, and the weed -- sticky green
No seeds bitch please, poppa aint soft
Dead up in the hood, aint no love lost
Got me mixed up, you drunk them licks up
Mad cause I got my dick sucked
And my balls licked, forfeit, the game is mine

Farewell for now Amherst.

__innocuous @ 2007-03-25T12:43:00

2007-03-25T17:04:39Z

I should start updating more. I was on spring break last week and now I'm back in Amherst, cozy and alone in my room.

Wednesday

just random buildings in downtown LA

elevator

lovely.

rooftop bar

looking down.

rooftop pool deck. infinity style!

rooftop view

waterbed chairs! my favorite thing ever.

ROIDS

"what time is it?"

not from that day, but i like it anyways. me and furby, mah baby.

my favorite.

Oh, and I saw Badly Drawn Boy on Thursday night, but I just haven't uploaded the pictures yet. It was a pretty epic concert, mostly in time, but he ended with a cover of Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" so it was well worth it.

So as mentioned, I went home to LA for spring break. EHHHH... Not to say it wasn't enjoyable, but overall it just made me appreciate being in Amherst a lot. I just don't fit in California at all. I mean I have a few really good friends scattered here and there, but overall I just don't feel like I have that much of a life there. My life is here now and I just don't feel like going back to there too much anymore. Besides, I can't fucking live with my parents. I have no space, no freedom, all I do is get criticized for being fat and lazy and sucking at life. I don't know how I'll survive the summer.

OH AND YO! I HAVE FLOOR SEATS TO DAFT PUNK IN JULY. HAHAHA SUCK ITTT

__innocuous @ 2007-01-14T19:06:00

2007-01-15T03:30:10Z

I scheduled an appointment to get my driver's permit today. I know I'm like 3 years too late, but whatever.

My main man Nick Bourland (in shitty lighting).

Friday

Went with Sandy to Hollywood and we got FREE MAKEOVERS from this celebrity hairstylist named Oscar Blandi. Aw man, he was so suave. So suave that he convinced me to buy 50 bucks worth of his products. Oh and totally embaressed myself at American Apparel, but WHATEVER.

Waiting for the train

We had some fun at this random toy store.

Then we ran into the Church of Scientology, which was wayyy chill.

hahahah YESSSSS

random crew of dancers outside the mall

outside of the mall or the hollywood/highland complex whatever it's called thing.

After that, we picked up Jen and went to IHOP and I got breakfast for dinner. YUMMY. Then we headed to Dan's house and encountered his fat ass dog.

Dan wearing my american apparel headband & big shades.

Last Night

booze.

bomb ass meal.

Some really cool looking yogurt store.

This bitch's head was in my way, but this is the elephant man that I mentioned in the text below.

Polaroids

My babygirl Cat.

Scott, aka my other half.

produce

Nick

Vasco!

I hate not having a scanner and having to take shitty digitals of all my polaroids

I went to this art gallery with Nick last night in downtown which featured this band with a belligerent drummer dressed in nothing but a loincloth and an elephant mask. He was also playing his drums with fake bones, entertaining indeed. We had dinner at this chic restaurant in Little Tokyo called Sohoju & the waitress (who could've been straight out of an anime) was amazed by my polaroid camera. "It's a miracle!" she exclaimed as I snapped a shot of their various sake bottles. I've never been so relaxed in a restaurant before. Sipping on pomegranate wine & chewing on delicious korean delicacies whilst listening to sweet bossa nova melodies. But then the restaurant started playing The Lion King soundtrack so that kinda ruined the atmosphere. After I was jtown-ed out, we ended up at Vasco's house & watched this Kurosawa movie called Stray Dog.

P.S. I'm really sad I didn't get to see Girl Talk last night, but life will go on. I hope.

new years eve

2007-01-01T23:27:28Z

Jackie, Me, Lauren, Jessie.

The night started at Transister (this club in LA) cause Underground was having this new years eve bash, but it was so fucking lame so we left after like an hour.

Lauren

Jessie

empty dance floor

over at Mendy's apartment

mendy!

mendy and julio

troy

check out mars volta guy.

a dance party started to commence

awww

god i'm so chinky and red.

aww jessie

drizzunk

Ohhh los angeles

Last night was probably the best new years I've had in a long time. Went out with Lauren and Jessie to Club Underground for a little bit (which fucking sucked) and then we went over to Mendy's new years eve soiree, which was amazing. I have so many little bruises and blisters on my feet, I've never danced harder in my life! I drank way too much though and had a rough morning throwing it all up, but I guess that's what I get for mixing a bazillion things.

Winter break has been treating me pretty good so far. but it's only been a week and honestly, part of me wants to go back to school cause I can't stand living with my parents anymore. It's so annoying not being able to come and go as I please here and getting in trouble for every little thing I do. FREEDOM! WHERE ART THOU!?

"ready son?" "BORN READY!"

2006-12-30T00:49:21Z

Scoots!

We went to...

amoeba!

omfggg i missed it.

"hey do you ever listen to some fuck?" hahaha

peace.

downtown hollywood

excuse the random dude

went there afterwards.

homer, random chick i snapped a picture of, marge, & shrek in the background.

woo

in&out, oh god my reason for living.

i like this one. i have no scanner here so i have to take digitals of all my polaroids.

jen. from like 2 nights ago.

videotheque.

Hung out with the other half yesterday (scotty!). Good times! It's so weird to hear about people going through college apps right now cause it seems like so long ago to me. But then again it's weird hearing/seeing people I went to high school with in general, so yeah. Hanging out with Dan later tonight, yay! we've decided to get married.

California hasn't been that bad so far. Mostly because I haven't been in my house or been around my family too much since I got back. My mom offered 500 dollars to stop smoking, which I would've taken if she wasn't a filthy liar.