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So here is Saturday night, appx 2:30 in the morn and I have decided that I need new fucking friends. What do normal 22 year old men (and I use that term lightly with these fuckers) on a Saturday night? Typically, we go to bars, clubs, shows or what not and drink and meet other people (hopefully women, Ill explane later). We are not supposed to be fucking loosers who sit in a living room for 5 goddamn hours drinking by ourselves and smoking fucking pot. Dont get me wrong, God knows that I dont have a problem with green and all, but for Godsake, they looked like fucking zombies. Between that, and It would be cool to chill with a bunch of people, if there is a good mix of people, not 8 single men. Fucking sausagefest from the pits of fucking hell. All of them drunk/stoned and passing out, and Im the sober one who was ready to shoot myself in the face. I suggested going out, I was immediatly shot down with excuses like, "Naw man, we can chill here, we got plenty of beer" "Nah man, Lets chill here, Ill pack another bowl" What the fuck. So you're telling me that instead of going to a club and dancing and meeting real live girls, not the kind you meet online while playing WOW, but real live women, you would rather side around this dank apartment and smoke weed. Fantastic. Between that and my buddy Allen only calls me when he wants weed. No, "Hey Rascon, whats up? So, can you get my a quarter?" Fuck that. Let me repeat, fuck that. Of course I dont have my car where we were at so I cant up and leave so Im stuck with these assholes who are amazing by the fucking Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Im glad that I grew out of that stage. Im ridiculosly dissapointed in myself. Im a fat, ciggy smoking, single nerd who gets stuck in the friend zone way to goddamn quickly. Fuck that, Im going to loose weight, get back into music, read more books, listen to new music, and become a renissanace man of sorts. That is who I want to be. Im piss tired of being single and Im piss tired of girls who dont have a fucking clue what they want. Who the fuck says 2 nights ago, "I really dont think that so and so is right for me, and I dont think Im going to date him" Then starts dating him? Sorry, that's a bit off topic, but I dont fucking get people. What is wrong with not being conflcted? What happened to wanting a girl/boyfriend, and not needing one? I dont understand how some people have to have a boyfriend. I dont fucking get it. If I am with a person, its not because I was looking for a girlfriend, but rather we met, we liked each other, and it was the right thing to do, no because Im single and I have fucking abandonment issues that I use as a fucking excuse to get a boy. Ok, we all have our shit, but we dont use that as excuses to make horrible life decisions. If you told you half of what my father did you me, my siblings, and my mother, you would shit a fucking brick. I dont use my past, and believe me it fucking sucked, as an excuse to justify making bad decisions Single for 2 weeks, out of a 3 year realtionship and you honestly think this is going to last? Are you fucking serious? And the think that pisses me off more is that bitch referes to me as her 'best friend' but simply refuses to listen to my advise. "No Mary, I dont think its a good idea, because you are in rebound mode, are going to be bored with him in 2 months because he is the complete opposite of what you told me you wanted, you are going to bitch to me about it and Im going to say, "I told you so", you're going to get pissed at me cause Im right and you're wrong. Then you are going to jade the motherfucker cause he is young and stupid (not intelligently, but more in a inexperianced kinda of way) is head over heals for you and you are going to look for every excuse in the world to break up with him. And the worst part is, she tells me she doesn't want to 'be that girl that jades a young boy' You all ready are, by agreeing to date him, you started to jade his ass. I know his type, he is going to get very very very jealous when you even look at other boys and you are flirty as fucking hell. Know what Im going to stop bitching about that now. Here is the central point of that whole fucking rant You are making a dumb fucking move and you know it, so dont tell me a goddamn thing about your problems, I wont hear them. Sorry for the bitch post, I have a lot on my mind and I dont like to vent. Im a goddamn Knight of Colombus, we are supposed to be God's soldiers of peace. We arent supposed to feel anger, hatred, sadness, or anything. We are supposed to be noble gentlemen who dont think ot ourselves and our problems, we are told to deal with them ourselves and to be strong and stoic. Basicly, talking to someone about our problems shows slight weakness and we cannot be weak. We have to be strong for our family and friends, and be there to listen to them, and try to council them. (So if I have every tried to play counciler to you in a way, now you know why) This pisses me the fuck off because I really really really need some debriefing and I cannot fucking do it. Even if someone tells me that I can talk to them about my problems, I cant do it, not because of some by-law or anything, but rather I psycologically cannot open up to people. I dont think its right of me to talk to someone about my problems, because that persons problems are more important than my own. Ive always been that way, I never did like to talk about my problems, I guess that's why I write so much in this thing. I never talked to anyone about seeing dad beat mom, hearing him call my sisters whores. I didnt say anything, because someone out there has it much worse than I do. I can remember seeing dad hit mom cause dinner was cold, I remember wanting to cry because I didnt understand why my father was beating the woman he 'loves' I would run to my room and would fight it all back, tellin myself "Shut the fuck up Brian, shut up you pussy. There are people out there who have been raped. You have no right to cry" I guess thats why Im crazy as goddamn fuck. Like, right now, I want to cry. Im a grown 22 year old man and I want to cry and let it all out, but i cant. I want to so badly, and I dont give a fuck what you say about it. Everyone needs to cry, man or woman, young or old, tough and weak. Im a cancaphony of emothions right now that all i want to do is tear up, get the fuck over with it, then go back to normal. I cant though. Sorry again. Im going to stop now before i convince myself that drinking copious amounts of alcohol is a great idea. Bye If you havent heard the song Im listening to, do it now, or at least read the poem. Its hearbreaking. I really need a fucking hug and for someone to tell me that Im not so bad. Dont repeat what I write in this in public. I have my moments of weakness and the last think i need is to be seen as a pussy. We all have these moments, so dont think diffrently of me. Peace |
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depressed.![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/syndicated.gif){kind=small}
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curious.
hopeful.
content.
giggly.
determined.
drunk.
confused.