[10. 11. 08 // @ 12 : 55 am] takebackthelove today i drove to the graveyard by myself. i took off my high heels, and walked barefoot in the cemetery. i collapsed on will's grave. i ran my fingers through the engravings of his tombstone. all i wanted to do was lay with him. so i laid down on the grass, closed my eyes, and let the beautiful sun shine on me. when i opened my eyes, i saw a woman by a grave which was a few spots down. it was the grave of stephen price, who is my best friend's older brother. i said hello to her from a distance, and later realized it was lauren price's grandmother who i have never met before. she held me so close, and we cried in eachother's arms. and although it was a stranger, she was like family to me. her arms felt just like laurens, my best friend who i miss so much. she kissed me and said, "i'm so happy to have met you today. keep smiling and enjoying life, darling - your angels are guiding you." read (1) cmnt

[10. 5. 08 // @ 2 : 53 pm] fuzzymuggles [ mood | blah ] [ music | jacks mannequin ] I wish life for 90% of people wasn't so cookie cutter and basically planned out from birth. School is just not where I want to be, however its where I need to be in order to make it in life. Sucks, but I'll live. Anyhow, I kind of wish I wasn't so messed up sometimes haha. I have a problem, and I told Jen about this last night. Every time I like someone, as soon as they show any interest back, I get the fuck out lmao. My head is messing with me telling me I don't want to be in a relationship, when in reality I know that its been a year and a half since I have been and it would make me much happier. I'm finally ready to stop just having fun and start being more serious about that stuff and I just can't. It's retarded, I'm retarded, what the heck is new? I feel like crap every time I hurt someone because it really isn't what I want to do, but my head is like telling me I cant settle down. What the fuck lmao. I dunno, I just needed to rant a little about that. So, next summer...well and this December too, I won't be dwelling in my house that I have been in for the past 7 years or so. My parents bought a new house out in east amherst. It's on hopkins past millersport. Fantastic. I don't know how I feel about this moving thing yet. I won't even be spending Christmas at my house now, It's gonna be hectic and shitty. I hope people still visit me even though I'll be 20-25 minutes away from everyone. I plan on making my mother let me throw a kick ass party there beginning of next summer though. As soon as we get our in-ground pool put in and ready, it should be cool. There's like 6+ acres of land, a pond and a creek in the backyard, and it's at the end of a private road. Maybe during break I'll have a get-together as well. I haven't decided, or asked, yet. I think thats all I need to talk about right now. I never update this thing anymore anyhow. How's everyone else doing? read (4) cmnt

[10. 4. 08 // @ 11 : 51 pm] takebackthelove + when i met you everything in my world changed. and i can't remember what it was like before you. i want you even though i shouldn't. everyday i think about you & miss you more than the day before. for a long time, i was hurting without you. but not anymore, at this point - i just ignore it. i've become jaded & accepted the fact that you're never going to be there for me. the only way you'll ever tell me you love me is if i'm on my deathbed. i used to think you started to treat me this way because of something i did but i realized that all i ever did to you was be there unconditionally. i'll never understand you & all this shit you put me through. + i need you with me right now & always. i haven't seen you in almost a year & it's made me such a mess. i can manage without you if i just don't think about it - but you have to realize, NO ONE ELSE is like you. you made me laugh the hardest and appreciate life to its fullest and you were never shy around new people. we would dance in my room for hours, stay up late talking about things, waste time together but never get sick of it. i don't feel that comfortable with anyone else but you. i miss you taking videos of me when i would not be paying attention. i miss you talking about God and taking cigarettes out of my hand telling me that they're not good for me. i want my best friend, my sister back. + thank you for making me a star just like you. when he forgot all about me, i was mad at you for not doing anything about it. i didn't understand why you weren't answering all my prayers. but i should have known better to trust you. that year seems so long ago. i don't remember much of it anymore but i remember it was a safe time. i realized you put us together so we wouldn't be alone during that sad time when you had to leave us. and when we started to become strong again, you knew it was time for us to move on. + i wish there was a way i could adopt your baby. i am so sorry of what you have to go through right now. you are such a brave, strong girl and i'm so proud of you for keeping her & giving her to a family who wants a child. it's so hard to see you go through this. i complain, "i'm stressed" everyday but i know it doesn't compare to the day you've had. read (0) cmnt

[10. 4. 08 // @ 2 : 48 am] takebackthelove wish i could hear your voice right now & tell you all about my day.

[10. 1. 08 // @ 10 : 51 pm] takebackthelove october is a sad month for me. ...so i am trying to stay busy. if i stay busy, then i don't have time to think. if i don't have time to think, then i don't remember you. if i don't remember you, then i can make it through the day. --- plans for this weekend: friday night, i am having a huge party at my house for the fashion club. saturday morning, i get to have champagne breakfast at tiffany's! really. tiffany&co. invited me to look at their diamond rings on saturday morning over breakfast! saturday night, walking in the leukemia and lymphoma society 'light the night' walk at reston town center.

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