| That's Angstastic! |
[Oct. 24th, 2008|11:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  bitchy | ] |
I’m feeling a lot of doubt, in myself as a person, as an actor, as a woman/girl/female (it doesn’t feel right referring to myself as a woman but that’s an issue I’ll have to leave for another day).
I wonder, all the time, so much so that it’s almost not worth mentioning, whether I’m deluding myself with this whole acting malarkey. But that inevitably leads to thoughts of whether I’m deluding myself with this whole life business.
Sometime in my past, somehow, I latched onto the idea of acting to give myself a purpose. And now, at 28 years old, I’m returning to the moment when that decision was made and once again asking, “what now?”
And so indeed, what now? If not an actor then what? A director? Well, that’s just as delusional as the so-called career I’ve already got. An Olympic equestrienne? Hah! A teacher? Where’s the bottle of cheap wine and sleeping pills please. A writer? Well we’re back to the impossibleness of the realm of the actor and director. So….
A prostitute? Financially lucrative but I’ve never been much good with men. And I have tiny breasts. A dog trainer? Wonderful fun but pays just enough to keep a small poodle in kibble for a couple of days with owner living in cardboard box. Hmm…. I’m drawing a blank. What else interests me? Retail sales manager? I can see my future now. Forty-five and dressed like a girl, telling some insecure brat that she looks ‘hot’.
What else? What else? Fucking God please tell me what else?!
I. Can. Not. Think. Of. Any. Other. Profession. That. I. Would. Be. Good. At.
What do I do? Starve myself to death to avoid my inevitable descent into middle-aged mediocrity? But I’ve already tried that and I’m bored of the self-indulgent narcissism it demands.
What would I be great at? I could watch DVDs for a living. Read books. Look up celebrities on the internet. Browse for weight-loss tips. Tan once a year. Do cryptic crosswords. Eat breakfast at a cafe everyday. Forget to call my parents. Stay up late. Download TV shows. Park illegally. Take mediocre photos and post them on my blog. Buy clothes. Buy cosmetics. Try to find the cure for acne. Eat my own weight in popcorn. Pick up other peoples rubbish while tsking audibly. Write down ideas for outfits I will never wear. Read Amazon book reviews for book I will never buy. Look up IMDb profiles for actors I have never heard of. Doubt myself. Doubt myself. Doubt myself.
I’m so exhausted with the thought of the meaning of the pursuit of fulfilment in life that I cannot even bring myself to think of a way to end this bitter diatri… |
|
|
| Fat Food Finally Forsworn |
[Aug. 12th, 2008|01:10 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  full | ] |
Ok so I'm the fattest I've ever been and it's so scary I could almost jump out of a window, but not quite.
Tonight walking home I saw an anorexic girl walk into a bodega so I followed her (as I am wont to do) and watched the process of choosing foods to binge on.. the furtive glances at the chocolate bars, the nail-biting, the forward tilt of the head to hide behind a wall of hair. And as I watched her and felt my own ED screaming in my head I thought, "It's not the weight-loss I miss, it's the obsession!" I miss the comfort of that all-consuming addiction.
But, even before I saw this girl (and after I saw my arms in a change-room mirror), I realised I have to do something. I cannot continue to eat in this completely reckless, American way. And that's when I found this. Wowsers. All I need is something to latch onto to motivate me, and this little page is it. I love it and, starting tomorrow, I'm going to fill my body with HEALTH.
We'll see how it goes. |
|
|
| Somehwhere, Over the Relationship. |
[Jul. 26th, 2008|06:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  numb | ] |
So I am writing to inform you all that after almost 6 years, I am now single. And my ED is 95% to blame. After supporting me through near-death, recovery, ongoing and relentless body dysmorphia, and a negligible libido, Mr Goldberry has finally had enough.
And although I feel sad about the inevitable change in my lifestyle (which won't really hit me until I return to Melbourne from New York), I can't say that I'm feeling at all heart-broken. I love him to bits and he's my best friend ever, but this a guy that has physically repulsed me for a good couple years now. And he's always been very disrespectful of my family (although absolutely wonderful to me). So my mum is happy, and although I'm very scared, it's a little exciting too.
I just now realise how much the ED affects my life. And how much more careful I will have to be in future relationships to not allow it to take such complete control of me. |
|
|
| New York, food, and "Famous" People |
[Jul. 12th, 2008|10:52 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | full | ] |
OK so I haven't been posting because I'm in New York and life is crazy and anything I really want to say is the same old shit... only multiplied by 1000.
( I am fat *sigh* )
I do miss you all. I haven't been reading as much and I feel out of the loop, but I will try.
In other news, I've met some amazing people here, including Max Snow's new girlfriend, and it's been interesting moving in these kinds of circles. Tomorrow I'm going to a cocktail party at Mr ex-MK Olsen's new girlfriend's apartment and Ben Foster and a bunch of other actors/models/socialites will be there too. I will have to keep you updated on how it goes. |
|
|
| Scared and Excited |
[Jun. 6th, 2008|12:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  nervous | ] |
6 sleeps till New York.
If you live in the states, send me your e-mail/phone number :-)
And on another, not altogether unrelated note, is it hard to eat healthy in the states? Is it true all serves are huge and fatty? I have problems with NOT eating everything on my plate (one of my ED's inexplicable rules) so I'm worried I'll be struggling all the time with over-eating. |
|
|
| Start Spreading the News |
[May. 19th, 2008|09:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | excited | ] |
Only 3 and a half weeks until I leave for New York and the William Esper Studio and I'm still tracking down accommodation. At the moment it looks like it may be Polish Greenpoint, where I'll be able to stuff myself with Pierogi and Zywiec for a reasonable US$900 a month.
From there I plan to go to Chicago before heading to LA to sell my soul for a few weeks. I'm hoping to throw Las Vegas and Mexico into the mix too if all goes well; I don't have any internal flights booked yet so my itinerary is still open.
So that means that in a month I'll be Street Styling from some new locations, in between running to acting classes and learning lines.
If anyone in the States has a spare couch, or a couple hours free to get coffee, I'm open to suggestions...
Posted in Feed the Girl |
|
|
| The Way We Were |
[May. 19th, 2008|12:36 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
I just got tagged in a Facebook photo that was taken around the time when I was pretty sick. It shocked me a bit. I know I was thin but I've forgotten how thin, and I never really saw how thin I was at the time anyway.
It's only really my arms and face in the photo that look skinny but it's still quite a shock. And as much as I feel bad about it, a part of me misses looking like that. Crazy huh?
( Second from right ) |
|
|
| Lists, lists, lists |
[May. 5th, 2008|10:46 pm] |
IF YOU'RE ON MY FRIENDS LIST, I want to know 36 things about you. I don't care if we never talk, if you're more of a lurker, or if we already know everything about each other.
BE HONEST! COPY FROM HERE THEN SEND DIRECTLY TO ME IN A COMMENT THEN, REPOST THE EMPTY QUESTIONS.
1) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
A.
2) What was your dream growing up?
A.
3) What talent do you wish you had?
A.
4) If I bought you a drink what would it be?
A.
5) Favorite vegetable?
A.
6) What was the last book you read?
A.
7) What zodiac sign are you?
A.
8) Any Tattoos and/or Piercings? Explain where.
A.
9) Worst Habit?
A.
10) If you saw me walking down the street would you offer me a ride?
A.
11) What is your favorite sport?
A.
12) Do you have a Negative or Optimistic attitude?
A.
13) What would you do if you were stuck in an elevator with me?
A.
14) Worst thing to ever happen to you?
A.
15) Tell me one weird fact about you.
A.
16) Do you have any pets?
A.
17) What if i showed up at your house unexpectedly?
A.
18) What was your first impression of me?
A.
19) Do you think clowns are cute or scary?
A.
20) If you could change one thing about how you look, what would it be?
A.
21) Would you be my crime partner or my conscience?
A.
22) What color eyes do you have?
A.
23) Ever been arrested?
A.
24) Bottle or can soda?
A.
25) If you won $10,000 today, what would you do with it?
A.
27) What's your favorite place to hang at?
A.
28) Do you believe in ghosts?
A.
29) Favorite thing to do in your spare time?
A.
30) Do you swear a lot?
A.
31) Biggest pet peeve?
A.
32) In one word, how would you describe yourself?
A.
33) Do you believe/appreciate romance?
A.
35) Do you believe in God?
A.
36) Will you repost this so I can fill it out and do the same for you?
A. |
|
|
| Sickos Sickopolous |
[Apr. 30th, 2008|07:38 am] |
I. Am. So. Sick.
I'm lying on my couch in my 15 year-old Jag sweater, under the quilt, nursing my nasty case of food poisoning. I'm supposed to be at work but, after slowly getting dressed and staggering around the house, one of my managers replied to my sms and said I could stay home. Yay.
I might as well take the opportunity to do some New York research so I'm thinking of watching either New York Minute again or Gossip Girl, but I'm not sure where that's set. Anyone watched it? Is it good?
Ergh, headache. I have never pooed so much in my life. I think I've lost 2 kilos in 24 hours. Is Codeine bad for food poisoning? I may hit myself up with some Panadeine Forte goodness.
Over and out. |
|
|
| Blogiddy blog blog |
[Apr. 24th, 2008|11:40 pm] |
I was tired and grumpy after work today and made a retail-related blog post.
feedthegirl
In other news, I had a cold but it's better.
I have to get orthotics (or 'slaptards' as my boyfriend calls them) for my brittle-bones-broken ankle.
I have accomodation booked in New York at Loftstel, but now I've found a friend who has a 2-bedroom apartment in the LES for $1500 a month :-/
I threw mum a surprise birthday party last night and it was lovely.
My brother has been lying to us all this time and never stopped drinking.
My dog has booties so that he doesn't scratch the floors and when he has them on he looks really, really cute. |
|
|
| New York is full. |
[Apr. 14th, 2008|11:14 pm] |
Oh my God I'm trying to find a place to stay in New York over the Summer and it's IMPOSSIBLE. ArGH!! I think I've just spent $100 in calls to a million hostels and residences and no luck :-(
I will be living in a box outside the acting school. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Apr. 4th, 2008|03:08 pm] |
Just to let you know I'm still alive but have moved house so have no ADSL :-/
Be back soon though! |
|
|
| Fat thighs and Broken ankles. |
[Mar. 9th, 2008|09:07 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | angry | ] |
I'm joining Curves women's gym. I'm going on Tuesday morning for an assessment/intro session and I've pretty much decided I'm going to pay the $149 on the spot to join for 4 months. I'm so over my fatty fat fatness that I really don't know what to do anymore.
( ED recovery talk )
I'm also over my sore ankle. I have a stress fracture in my right ankle from getting out of bed funny four months ago (thankyou brittle bones) which is refusing to heal. It hurts all day at work. It hurts when I walk. And now it's started getting sharp stabs of pain in addition to the constant throb. I can't jog anymore, or dance!
I had an x-ray but when I called for results the receptionist said "no action necessary". !!! How am I supposed to live with this? So I'm going to another doctor for a second opinion. It's funny that when I was at my thinnest all I wanted was physical proof of the damage I was doing and now that I'm better I finally see the effects of what starving did to my body. |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
__goldberry__'s journal