![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
man hunt in the golf course at one in the morning with a big group of people - especially tony and xavian taking down dana and i like "cheetahs taking down baby deer" and having a fun night that didn't involve pbr and someone's hipster house
jeff buckley coming back into my life - mojo pin, being such a beautiful song to listen to when i am on my way home while the sun is setting
drawing again! i've been so inconsistantly creative and now i'm finally getting back into drawing a lot thanks to mr ballas giving me two green moleskins with cream colored pages waiting like clean palms for me to pour thoughts and images into
sleeping next to tony, going to sleep laughing and waking up to his skin and sleepy expressions
camping on friday! i've been trying to go camping since summer started and i've finally managed to get the right timing with my work schedule. i can't wait for getting drunk, sleeping in a tent, wilderness sounds. sleeping in a tent anywhere brings out the best in me, like making forts when you're 8 years old (or 15 or 18 or 72)
my birthday being rainy and me expecting it to be horrible but ending up having a very nice time with fun people and getting three cakes! tony was romantic and woke me up with a sweet little set up and ashliegh was very sweet to bake me a cake even though we aren't very close and rose got me jewlery that she knows i would love and my mother and sister and sydney and simeon and tony and i all went out to eat expensive food and buy me delicious perfume. these are things i do not deserve but its nice to know that the people close to me believe i do deserve them!
hopefully getting my tattoos soon! i am going to force myself to save money GOD DAMN IT
slipping out of my silence and deveolping optomisim for people and for myself and high hopes for my life even though its isn't near perfect currently. i've just got a good mindset and it's doing wonders for my social interaction and my moods. having someone who i love whole heartedly and can still feel butterflies for more than a year in, and having a better relationship with my mom and sister, and just slowly moving forward is leaving me happier than i've allowed myself to be in a long time- regardless of the confusion and the work that still has to be done and obsticales that still need to be bypassed i still feel as though i can do it all and come out gold in the end
shitty things:
wanting things to improve for the people nearest and dearest to my heart and not being able to change their circumstances. i sobbed for a long time last night, i feel very hopeless and unable to do anything but say i'm sorry and i love you and i mean those things but i still can't be the change i know they need and i wish it was in my power to do so. i've never felt this much empathy for others before, it eats me up that they are sad and troubled more than any of my own pain affects me right now.
i hate my fucking job. but who doesn't? i'm in the process of trying to find somewhere else and i am not sure how it will turn out. anthropologie is hiring and i filled out the application and spoke to a manager and she seemed to like me, we talked for a long time. i hope this works out i cannot stand the mess that i work in. and if one more person in that fucking mall tells me i look like rosario dawson again i'm going to take their teeth out of their mouth with my bare hands if anything i look like an asian cat with hygeine problems
insomnia strikes again! i got maybe 5 hours of sleep last night at most, and i've been up since 10am and worked all day and then watched little sydney who is the craziest loviest child but is very tiring to chase after for 3 hours and i am deleriously tired but cannot sleep. aghhhhh! i'm gonna make hot hot hot soup and hope for the best
having to deal with people who i used to be friends with and having all that awkward air in between it. and suddenly remembering that they even existed in the first place! its strange to have the memories of the good times and the best parts of their personalites in my mind but having the break of the reasons that i stopped interacting with them also. i almost want to tell them why and that i enjoyed the time spent with them but because they were overbearing, clingly, dramatic, manapilative or just not what i thought they were but obviously that is unnessicary. its just so weird to know people so well and then have them shoot daggers at you with their eyeballs.
pictures:
my birthday is tomorrow. i still have no plans for it. i'm thinking of making cupcakes for myself and maybe getting drunk and just letting the day evolve on it's own. the older you get the less extravagent birthdays become, which is good for me because the less expectations i have for something the better it turns out.
all i want are sweet things and my sweet love and a a few of my sweet friends around.
i'd like to see this movie
this one too
I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else.
my birthday is on thursday and i will be nineteen years old but i still feel just as confused as when i was twelve. i guess i just live in my head where there are these fantasy worlds that exist where i do whatever i want and life is always very surreal and beautiful even in sadnesss and every job is something wonderful like working in a record store or book store or you just have money from nowhere and you can travel and life on streets with high building and have some beautiful but kind of broken down apartment in france or italy or something and everything is all love and wine and candles and adventures. and then i look around at reality and i'm a nineteen year old who lives with her momma and still has small breasts and has never been out of the country and can't really afford wine. i just know what i want but don't always want to navigate the space in between to get there. but i'm re-evolving my dreams to going to school in the fall (BUT FUCK PAPERWORK AND MONEY) and getting a different job that pays more and moving out. the details aren't exactly there yet, but you know.
there's an underlying calm in my life, even though nothing is really completely settled. a comfort of love and of purpose even if my only purpose right now is to find the true purpose. i still have a vague direction of where i want to go. and who i want to come with me.
i'm excited for my upcoming days and what life will bring and i would go over everything that has happened recently but who really even needs to know? and i'm so frazzled right now that i can't even pick a place to start! i really want to write about everything, all the ongoing days and nights and all the emotions and all the love and all the hate and absolutely all the beauty and everything like that but my mind will not cooperate with verbs and nouns and make it sound nice so for now you'll get a bunch of pictures that i didn't take with words that i didn't write- thank you jack kerouac i found your quotes saved on my journal from a while ago and they seem right.
The one thing that we yearn for in our living days, that makes us sigh and groan and undergo sweet nauseas of all kinds, is the remembrance of some lost bliss that was probably experienced in the womb and can only be reproduced (though we hate to admit it) in death.
I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till I drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion.
What's heaven? what's earth? All in the mind.
The car was swaying as Dean and I both swayed to the rhythm and our final excited joy in talking and living to the blank tranced end of all innumerable riotous angelic particulars that had been lurking in our souls all our lives.
I felt like lying down by the side of the trail and remembering it all. The woods do that to you, they always look familiar, long lost, like the face of a long-dead relative, like an old dream, like a piece of forgotten song drifting across the water, most of all like golden eternities of past childhood or past manhood and all the living and the dying and the heartbreak that went on a million years ago and the clouds as they pass overhead seem to testify (by their own lonesome familiarity) to this feeling. Ecstacy, even, I felt, with flashes of sudden remembrance, and feeling sweaty and drowsy I felt like sleeping and dreaming in the grass.
Sociability is just a big smile, and a big smile is nothing but teeth.
I saw that my life was a vast glowing empty page and I could do anything I wanted.
No man should go through life without once experiencing healthy, even bored solitude in the wilderness, finding himself depending solely on himself and thereby learning his true and hidden strength. Learning for instance, to eat when he's hungry and sleep when he's sleepy.
I will die, and you will die, and we all will die, and even the stars will fade out one after another in time
It no longer makes me cry and die and tear myself to see her go because everything goes away from me like that now — girls, visions, anything, just in the same way and forever and I accept lostness forever.
The mad road, lonely, leading around the bend into the openings of space towards the horizon Wasatch snows promised us in the vision of the West, spine heights at the world's end, coast of blue Pacific starry night — nobone halfbanana moons sloping in the tangled night sky, the torments of great formations in mist, the huddled invisible insect in the car racing onwards, illuminate. — The raw cut, the drag, the butte, the star, the draw, the sunflower in the grass — orangebutted west lands of Arcadia, forlorn sands of the isolate earth, dewy exposures to infinity in black space, home of the rattlesnake and the gopher the level of the world, low and flat: the charging restless mute unvoiced road keening in a seizure of tarpaulin power into the route.
My witness is the empty sky.
yourself.
you will be put again and again
into nearly impossible
situations.
they will attempt again and again
through subterfuge, guise and
force
to make you submit, quit and/or die quietly
inside.
nobody can save you but
yourself
and it will be easy enough to fail
so very easily
but don’t, don’t, don’t.
just watch them.
listen to them.
do you want to be like that?
a faceless, mindless, heartless
being?
do you want to experience
death before death?
nobody can save you but
yourself
and you’re worth saving.
it’s a war not easily won
but if anything is worth winning then
this is it.
think about it.
think about saving yourself.
- Charles Bukowski
this kind of sounds like the inside of my head when i am sleep deprived but happy
last night, tony, garrin, lilly, scott, rony, keith, devon, and i played about 100 games of man hunt which is basically tag and hide and go seek mixed together, at the city park playground. i haven't really been able to do anything but go to cafe after cafe or shitty party after shitty hipster party in a while so it was so fun to act like kids all day and all night (excluding nicotine patches and vodka) and swing and laugh and scream and run in the dark. its pretty rare to be around a whole group of people who don't feel like they're responsible for always acting super intelligent or super mellow or whatever pretentious appearence they've chosen, and get all let go and run around and GIGGLE. we were all laughing and giggling and it was really really fun.
everything just seems right, like its all getting fixed and beautiful again. summer does that, though.
this week i haven't been locked away by any sense, i work and then go out, but even then i've felt very isolated. especially at this party i went to a few days ago. tony's friends just moved into a new house, which winds in circles and has a spiral staircase and a back porch with yellow lights hanging everywhere and even in a nice environment i couldn't help but feel like i didn't really belong. lot's of hipsters everywhere, with bikes and pabst and plaid on, having the same conversations you hear at every party, about beer and politics, bands and bullshit. tony kept wandering off, because he is social in a way i cannot even comprehend. every person he meets he has a long conversation with, bubbly and charismatic even when he speaks vulgarly or with anger. i tend to offer little sentences, always punctuated with a final period. a little wall, that keeps the drunks from spending to much time trying to meet me. i don't really mean to be so distant, its a condition i can't help. and my friends were there too, a few of them. but even then garrin and kate were bound by small flirtations and wine, scott is like a puppy dog, entertaining but silly, and everyone else are just names associated with a face, you know. my exboyfriend kept making appearances in my vision, which made me slightly uncomfortable. mostly because he is such a distant memory and something you would think would fade away like smoke, yet there he was.
yesterday was nice though, i found my way to the market with tony and ty and his friend jermey and spent the day with them, walking a long way around town, under the green trees with their fresh leaves hanging over the sidewalk, and all the people downtown, all the birds, all the cars. i felt free last night, something that is rare for me. we ended up in a park late at night, with ten or so people. a few barefoot boys played guitar and a pipe was passed around and i just layed on the ground looking up at big white columms and the whole snowglobe sky looming over me, stars scattered like sugar on a black tabletop. and tony made me smile all night long, we have been so playful with each other. summer brought back that side of our relationship, where we act like kids and we act like lovers and friends and hold hands where ever we go.
somehow we ended up at party in a neighborhood i don't know, with all these fucked up kids on coke and lily and garrin were very drunk and loud and there was flesh everywhere, on the walls and showing from girls who wore little and i just drank a lot of beer and laughed a lot, feeling superior even though i've been in their place before. dilated eyes and frantic laughter and all. but being around it now made it seem so desperate and funny, all this sunken eyes with no lack of condfidence behind them as they ramble on and on and laugh at their own jokes which are only funny because they aren't at all.
i don't know, i just feel very out of touch with people especially at parties, even if i'm drunk and people are talking to me i just feel like its all a big fucking show! not real at all. just another way to kill time before it kills you. i'm made for days like today where i woke up with tony and we wrapped around each other for an hour before we even considered getting out of bed and we drifted between serious conversations and goofy banter and we walked in the hot sun and ate good food and had great sex and all of those really beautiful things that he gives me like his sincere smile and creative mind and all the looks from his amber eyes and those hands, those fucking hands. and now i am home alone, fans whirring and cats padding around and my books close and a chance to write, while he goes off for more socializing. normally i would be a little scared of that, scared of who he will see and what girls will see him (and like what they see) and how much he will drink and an endless list of worries but all of that is gone from me tonight. i've learned about how my own fears will destroy things if i let them and my body is too tired from feeling anxious all the time (about everything, from death to work to time to snall tasks like doing the dishes, it's really too much and i'm trying really hard to tone it down) and when i let all of it go, leave it up to fate or what-have-you, then i get to see the beauty in things. i get to laugh at my own awkwardness and appriciate my love and the friends i do have and trust. trust that live will always move forward and i don't have to forget anything and i don't have to leave anything if i want it sincerely enough. i trust that i have a beautiful future ahead of me.
babies are beautiful like that, you can sit and watch them do nothing but wander and make messes and noise and no matter what it is beautiful and funny. i don't have the patience to devote my entire life to the growth and safety of a tiny little being but sydney certainly makes me want to take her home and call her my own. my sister got very lucky in the kid department.
http://s187.photobucket.com/albums/x
ah! that's a video of my sister talking to sydney while she explores toliet paper and makes a lot of noises
asfkjhsdkghasdg i love her
this weather suits my mood, it isn't cold but it is gloomy, gray clouds hide the sun, making it seem later in the day than it is. i've been so sleepy all morning, exhaugshted after yesterday although it was lovely. i started of the day with tony and my mother, running errands for my sister's party. it was warm and we drove with all the windows down, and my mother talked about how she used to live in california, and tony and her joked and laughed and made fun of me, but i didn't really mind. my sister's birthday party for her daughter sydney, was really nice. it was in a big park and we decorated it with ribbons and balloons. sydney was dressed in pink and babbled happily, running around with a pinecone in her hand, eating all of the declicous food. that child is by far my favorite in the world, just a year old but she has so much personality and charm. her facial expressions and laugh and little tiny hands that point at everything. she sat for a while examing each and every peice of jewelry i had on, touch them and turning them, looking sternly at them and then at me. she wore little pink star glasses that i placed on her face and escaped from photos by walking in circles, she grinned at me and i chased her having a yelling contest, she ate her miniature cake with glee, chocolate smeared from head to toe. i love that child.
there were so many babies and children there, mostly under the age of five. my other neice malini was a little mocking bird with my grandmother's face and long curly hair, i see her rarely but when i do she stays close to me. follows me and wants to play, smiling with little teeth. all the babies made my head spin, a fat cheeked dark skinned baby who's eyes popped open with awe and who grinned widely when i handed him a balloon, little girls with side pony tails, staring some cautiously and some curiously, little boys who stayed on the basketball court, flinging the ball at the too high hoop and jumping up and down with excitement. they make me scared and also secretly desirious of a baby. the sweet ones, the beautiful ones, make me want to have one to hold, to stroke and feed and play with. but the loud ones, the crying ones, they give me headaches and nothing but pity for their mothers who look so tired.
i was glad tony came, although he didn't really get to meet many of my family members (my dad wasn't there, which made me feel sorry for my sister who cries the most about his absence) i was so proud to have him next to me. he was helpful and sweet and not shy at all. all day i felt a shining light of love for him, more than usual, everytime i looked at him i had to resist the urge to say i love you and to kiss him. he holds my heart in his mouth and his hands and his mind and his own heart. oh. oh.
hannah came and picked us up from the party, and the time spent at her house was so relaxing and lovely. we sat on the porch for a long time, talking, smoking, watching her nephew james run around with pale hair and big blue eyes. her porch is ideal, big and open to the air, with a couch and a lot of room, gold sunlight coating it at the end of the day. whenever i spend time with hannah i spend time remincising, remembering all the crazy shit we did as preteens and teeangers. i feel so far from all of that, everything has changed for me. we watched a movie we made when we were probably no older than 13, my hair was short and was a vampire in a tree, laughing and looking sinister. sometimes i miss the fearlessness of that girl, back then i was loud and energetic and outgoing and outspoken, but i was young and unaware and unexperienced. somehow all of my experiences have turned me into a much quieter person. less willing to speak. but morer willing to think, at least.
the rest of the night was spend drawing. first with hannah, who was surrounded by paint on the floor while she watercolored flowers and multicolored eyes her hair dark and curly around her face, as her brother loudmouthed and cracked jokes (its insane to see someone who i met as a little child suddenly become taller than me and a teenager who says bitch and can make us all laugh) and tony played guitar, all smooth limbs streched on hannah's bed. later we went to paris on the platte, with garrin and scott, drawing goofy pictures of strange men and strange creatures.
the best part of the night was walking in the rain, tony's hand in mine, the boys all talking about their adventures and our laughter was loud among all the drunken girls and boys standing by clubs downtown. tony and i kept looking at each other with huge grins, to see that face looking at me so sincerly and so happy filled me up and up and up.
all these ups and downs, time moves faster than it ever has before and everything is a whirlwind on dark sadness and sweet moments and i just want to make something good out of my life, something secure.
it won't replace my livejournal, which i recently realized that i've had since 2004 (!!!) but i think tumblr is a nice place to keep all the random photos, quotes, & songs. a little inspiration folder.
asjfkjashfkjszhfksdhfksd
biting keeps your words at bay
tending to the sores that stay
happiness is just a gash away
when i open a familiar scar
pain goes shooting like a star
comfort hasn't failed to follow so far...
and you might say it's self-indulgent
you might say its self-destructive
but, you see, it's more productive
than if i were to be healthy
& pens and penknives take the blame
crane my neck & scratch my name
but the ugly marks
are worth the momentary gain...
when i jab a sharpened object in
choirs of angels seem to sing
hymns of hate in memorandum
and you might say it's self-indulgent
and you might say it's self-destructive
but, you see, it's more productive
than if i were to be happy
and sappy songs about sex and cheating
bland accounts of two lovers meeting
make me want to give mankind a beating
and you might say it's self-destructive
but, you see, i'd kick the bucket
sixty times before i'd kick the habit
and as the skin rips off i cherish the revolting thought
that even if i quit
there's not a chance in hell i'd stop
and anyone can see the signs
mittens in the summertime
thank you for your pity, you are too kind
and you might say its self-inflicted
but you see that's contradictive
why on earth would anyone practice self destruction?
and pain opinions are sitcom feeding
they dont know that their minds are teething
makes me want to give mankind a beating
i'm tried bandages and sinking
i've tried gloves and even thinking
i've tried vaseline
i've tried everything
and no-one cares if your back is bleeding
they're concerned with their hair receding
looking back it was all maltreating
every thought that occurred misleading
makes me want to give myself a beating....
everything is beautiful but everything is also terrible.
my heart knows
my head lies
and all i can do is laugh laugh laugh
things are gonna be okay
i'm just waiting for that spring sunshine
the heavy snow has stopped but there is a haze in the air, fog clustering by orange streetlights and the sound of dripping, running water every where. steady droplets fall somewhere next to the window i am near, it sounds like the ticking of a clock.
my head is clear, my heart is sure. avoiding the past like an addict avoids beer commericals and happy hours. i don't want anything to tempt me back into the world i was in. i miss people, that is for sure. but i don't miss the shitty parties, the shitty decisions, boredom creeping behind everything. i certaintly don't suffer from boredom right now, which is suprising because i have cut out what i thought was an essential element of my life. going out every single night. for four fucking years! i can't even explain the change in my thoughts, the way my head knows now, instead of wandering. i still have the whimsical side, dreamy and distant. but another part has come into play and it is sure and true. and fucking stable! mental stability?! never thought i would see the day, me with my emotions racking through my body like a tidal wave, skewing all the angles, making it hard to see or breathe or think. it's too bad that this had to be forced out of what was the biggest mental breakdown i've had in years. but i have to accept that i am bettering myself, even if it took so much to make me want to do it. and the scars will remind me and the love will take me further.
i need a new sketchbook. i need to draw and keep writing. it helps so much. i get paid in a week from today and i am going to spend some money on new books. my poor little library has been used beyond repair. my books are falling apart from too much use, the pages have all been turned and loved too many times.
reincarnation of the love bird!
things are beautiful (more so than they have been in months)
even if its in the rain all day sort
art and love and maybe nothing else
but that's ok
kilmt's water nymphs
tibetan nomad! yes, yes, and more yes.
crazy hearing device used to detect aircrafts during WWI
william burroughs!
cupid & psyche. fear of love because of fear of self. until you learn that love is unconditional. and by then you prove it. and she does!
i can relate, psyche
more tibet
mucha mucha mucha
william blake
i love you
The car's on fire and there's no driver at the wheel
And the sewers are all muddied with a thousand lonely suicides
And a dark wind blows
The government is corrupt
And we're on so many drugs
With the radio on and the curtains drawn
We're trapped in the belly of this horrible machine
And the machine is bleeding to death
The sun has fallen down
And the billboards are all leering
And the flags are all dead at the top of their poles
The buildings tumbled in on themselves
Mothers clutching babies picked through the rubble and pulled out their hair
The skyline was beautiful on fire
All twisted metal stretching upwards
Everything washed in a thin orange haze
I said, "Kiss me, you're beautiful..
These are truly the last days"
You grabbed my hand and we fell into it
Like a daydream or a fever
We woke up one morning and fell a little further down
For sure it's the valley of death
I open up my wallet
And it's full of blood
