| this house |
[July 22 2008; 7:24PM] |
i spend hours in this house. i pace back and forth looking down at my feet and back up to the ceiling again. i look in each room over and over, i walk back to the next room. i look at my feet. i look back up at the ceiling. i count the floorboards. i count the tiles, i count the seconds. i end up talking to myself. having conversation with myself. i argue with myself. i laugh with myself. i breathe smoke. i exhale fire. i trip over things. animals. the seconds blend with the hours and i lose all comprehension of time. blankets covering the windows, dished in th sink. nothing but my thoughts, my voice to stimulate me intelectually. locked behind doors where you hear nothing but footsteps. once voice echoing back to itself.
it stays this way for seconds. hours? seconds. its hard to tell these things. the air conditioner turns on. the air conditioner turns off. over and over. the refridgerator clicks. the ceiling cracks. ive found my conversation.
i talk to this house. i talk to the holes in the walls and the stains on the floor. i talk to the walls ... the start bleeding words, talking back to me. giving me names and history. they tell stories of comedy and tragedy. i become highly engaged in this. the floor talks back. the floor is not cooperative. its tired of getting walked on. the ceiling fan wont shut up. it clicks and pops and spins. watch and listen but i cant keep up with it.
dripping dripping dripping. the my mind is so far deep i feel like i'm in peewee's playhouse. the word of the day comes to me in a riddle.
"Name me, and by doing so you will break me."
but its been broken for hours. seconds? hours. i have trouble answering this house's questions. i have trouble pleasing it, and everything else.
the conversation stops.
i'm sitting completely alone. i was talking to myself. i was staring at myself. i told stories of comedy and tragedy. over and back again. they're starting to bleed into one dialog .....
the tragedy wins.
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| prime time of your life |
[July 21 2008; 10:45PM] |
| [ |
mood |
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 complacent |
] |
| [ |
music |
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daft punk |
] |
My summer has been quite unmemorable so far. Nothing new yet. I have no complaints, it's been pleasant but I can't wait for it to go from a 5 to a 10 in August. I blame part of it on early morning class and the other part on not having a car (I'm getting a sexy accord with black leather on Wednesday!!). I had an amazing birthday party last weekend (fuck the random ppl who showed up and trashed the house on several different levels).
So, here are my intentions for the rest of the summer:
-Hike/walk more. Find new places.
-Read. Finish "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close," and read "Cat's Cradle," "Mother Night," and 1 non-Vonnegut.
-Bring certain friendships back to life. Make them stronger. Talk more. Text less.
-Cook more meals. I started getting REALLY into cooking (not just baking) a few months ago and I haven't had time to start it up this summer.
-Make art.
Some dates I'm looking forward to:
August 5-12: Hawaii! I plan on drinking colorful drinks, exploring the hawaiian jungle, and swimming in warm waters.
August 13: Getting my tattoo. Finally got money for it. I'm quite anxious about this one, mostly pain wise, seeing as it'll take a couple hours.
16: Rock the Bells! Can I kick it?
22-24: Outside Lands...I fucking love nothing more than music festivals.
29: KISS! I don't care how much anyone wants to make fun of me, I can't even tell you how stoked I am on this.
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[July 19 2008; 8:36PM] |
Transferring to Arizona State University
i always said id be leaving Michigan one day..and no one believed me.
but yes, i have a career to withhold, and staying in MI will get me nowhere in the engineering business.
why stay here when i can make THOUSANDS of dollars more in Arizona and live for LESS!.
ill be gone by next summer, and thats at the LATEST. i am really trying for the end of the Winter/spring.
im happy. im blessed. ive prayed about it, and God is leading me to do the right thing, and thats to show people just what i am really worth and capable of doing.
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| Fingers crossed |
[July 17 2008; 8:08AM] |
| [ |
mood |
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 artistic |
] |
So James will be home in about 30 days. Thank god.
I had dinner with Jared, his wife Jennifer, their kids and my family Tuesday. That was actually less awkward than I thought it would be. I actually really enjoyed myself. It took my mind off of a lot of things that are troubling me right now. I really look forward to possibly getting to know his wife better. Jared is still the same old Jared...just old...and a daddy. Seeing him with his girls was refreshing. I look forward to seeing James and our kids one day. Only James is a liiiiitttle different when it comes to the whole authority thing. Jolie, his youngest...is a spitting image of him. Even shares his sarcastic facial expressions...and she's only 18 months! Jenna is very shy, soft spoken. She is a mommies girl. And is beautiful just like her mother. It was very enjoyable.
Now...on to the REAAAL big news...
Thanks to my best friend of ALLLL fucking time...Allen...well...I might have a gig on a movie being THE makeup artist for a film being entered in the Sundance Festival. Yeah baby!!! She saw my myspace from Allen's page and asked me if she paid for materials...if I could do it. I said time permitting(with the new amazing-weekly-paying-job) I would do it in a heart beat! So far shes asked for
1. stomach stab wound, slit chest, slit throat
2. gun shot (several)
3. injection site
and one other possible unforeseeable death!!
YESSSSS!!!
Oh goodness PLEASE let this happen and help me pay for schooling to get to do small movies for a living! I'd DIE fucking happy. Well..not until James comes home...but THEN I will!!!
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[July 16 2009; 11:21PM] |
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mood |
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 blah |
] |
i'm just lonely for a different state of existence right now
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[July 15 2008; 2:25AM] |
Just got back from spending the week in Cali with my fiance before he leaves for his deployment...i actually had a good time, and despite not being able to see much of Cali, i liked it alot, the atmosphere is what really turned me on to loving it.
the hardest part was just saying goodbye, i bawled. but when he called me when his lay over flight landed in Alaska, i was feeling alot better, just happy to hear his voice so soon. he should have landed in Japan this afternoon some time.
now 7 months to go before i see my babe again:/...i just pray he will be safe and out of harm's way. i love him so much. either way ill be here..waiting for him.!!!!!
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| a part of me was missing....and now it's back! |
[July 14 2008; 10:39PM] |
so for the last 5 or 6 years i was realizing something was missing.
a part of me was missing and i didn't know what i needed to fill it.
i tried many things, acting, reading, movies, tv....
but it was still there and it was driving me crazy.
then it hit me!
BAM!!!!!!!
right inbetween the eyes....
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[July 12 2008; 2:14AM] |
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take those fucking blinders off your eyes!!
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| countdown |
[July 9 2008; 11:01PM] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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na |
] |
Countdown Clocks at WishAFriend.com
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