anya.

i deleted this morning's entry because these situations are, as usual, what you make of them. though this part of the message still stands:

please register for the oxy campaign here. for each person who registers, oxy will donate $1 to katrina relief. it only takes a few seconds. (thanks ryo for sharing!)

but after the effort i put into this, it'd be sacrilege to let it go unnoticed. i'm just messing with you.

Open iTunes and put your music library on shuffle. Insert the songs after the questions (in the order they play)

what do you think of me, itunes? no action
will i have a happy life? could well be in
what do my friends really think of me? paint's peeling
do people secretly lust after me? respectable
what does [insert significant other] think of me? sulky girl
how can i make myself happy? human touch
what should i do with my life? pictures of success
why must life be so full of pain? we'll never sleep (god knows we'll try)
how can i maximize my pleasure during sex? spectacular views
will i ever have children? brilliant mistake
will i die happy? favorite hour
can you give me some advice? take it easy (love nothing)
do you know where your children are? still too soon to know
what do you think happiness is? the difference in the shades
what's your favourite fetish? talking in the dark

itunes thinks i'm boring, but there's a fair chance i'll be happy anyway. my friends think i'm decaying. i'm not the kind of girl that people fantasize about; i'm not decadent enough to be exciting. i sulk too much to have an 'other', even an insignificant one. still i need to be touched. oh.

i'll take pictures; maybe i'll be successful.

we know this: insomnia is the cause of all depression, pain, and misery. but breathtaking landscapes or gorgeous, captivating eyes can make the sex more interesting. kids are a lovely nuisance, emphasis on nuisance, with the loveliness flickering on and off to catch you by surprise.

and death will be my favorite moment.

but you can trust no one. and stop asking these questions already. i don't know the answers yet.

happiness is knowing that nothing is really black or white, and that everything can be reframed by someone else's interpretation. let's stay up all night and talk about it.

I know the last few posts were awful. Sorry about that. ♥

( this week redux )

I like Harry Potter because it's nothing like real life and far more satisfying. I like the theorizing for the same reason that I like logic puzzles. I'm working on an essay that I'm writing for myself and not because anyone's interested; if I post about it here, it'll be under cuts. Ultimately, this is my journal, and if you don't like what you see you're perfectly free to de-friend me.

I do apologize for upsetting people's delicate sensibilities with that last post. I should certainly know better than to clog up people's friends lists in such an utterly inconsiderate manner. Do forgive my lapse in judgment. I wouldn't want to appear, ah, exaggerated.

Five hours, including breaks. Reading at the airport, at the bus stop, on the bus, in the taxi, and finally in the apartment. And--oh, my god.

( ***SPOILERS*** )

I don't have reliable internet access at the moment, but I'll try to post later with more impressions of this otherwise wonderful book. ;-)

"Do you at all see the irony in criticizing someone for their low self-esteem?"
"Don't interrupt me! We need to do something about your attitude, immediately. Irony, sarcasm, and arrogance are all BAD THINGS and they will RUIN YOUR LIFE. Peter, don't disagree with me."
"Thanks for dinner. I'm going upstairs."
"Don't disrespect me!"

(I don't want to know what that says about me...)


You excel at Potions. Either you're one twisted
sister or you're on a certain someone's good
side.


Which Class at Hogwarts Would You Excel at?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are a Conservative Snapeist.

Like the Orthodox Snapeist, you acknowledge that
Snape often behaves pretty badly in the books,
but you prefer to focus on the mitigating
factors, and the fact that Harry doesn't
entirely understand what he's observing. You
may write/read stories exploring Snape's return
to Dumbledore, and the redeeming sacrifices
he's made to protect Harry and the wizarding
world in general. Hey, the guy's been through
a lot -- cut him a little slack!


What kind of Snapeist are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Which HP Kid Are You?

When the driver of the black jeep pulled up beside me, I expected him to ask me for directions. He wore a blue dress shirt and black-framed glasses. Dark hair. He looked like a software developer.
"You're beautiful," he said.
I could imagine how I looked. I'd been walking for almost three-quarters of an hour. My hair hung limp around my face, damp and probably frizzy, and I was sure my face was red from the exertion. I scowled. "Thank you."
"You look like you've been running."
"No... no, just walking." I paused for a moment. "It's hot outside."
"It's humid," he agreed. "Do you live around here?"
"I do, yeah. Right over there." I gestured vaguely.
"You go to AU?"
"No, I don't." I chose not to elaborate.
"What's your name?"
"I'm... Anna."
"I'm Carl." He reached over the passenger seat and extended a pale hand through the window. I didn't take it.
"I'm sorry, but I really think I have to go now."
I left before he had a chance to answer.

1. Exchange Math HL for Math Methods SL
2. Exchange French A2 SL for French Ax HL

So the math final really blew. I don't think I'm up for HL after this.
On the other hand, both Mme Geneix and Mme Remington want me in their respective French HL classes. And I don't know who to turn down.
I'm proud of how I did on chem and English.
I'll never take physics again.

And I don't feel like a junior at all.

september: still in love. stupid stupid. school is the same. start taking photography classes.

october: fridays in georgetown. things eventually crash and i stop eating. not in love anymore.

november: start eating again. grandmother dies. doing badly in math. i'm 15.

december: work is killing me. talking until 5 am at my sleepover. too many people die in the tsunami.

january: i break my new year's resolutions. starbucks afternoons. working on being okay.

february: i'm too dependent. tension but also good times. confusion.

march: lonely/selfish. creating melodrama much to the disgust of self and others. fight with mel.

april: still hurt and feeling entitled. fight with eric. florida ends on a bad note.

may: fight with hana. sort of fight with michael. tired of high school. i find out we're staying.

june: paranoid. not talking. worried about people. sad but don't know how to change.

foolish to make all those mistakes, but wise to recognize that i was wrong. i'm not sure where to go with that.

Total number of books I've owned:
Wild guess: a few hundred?

Last book I bought:
A Devil's Chaplain: Reflections on hope, lies, science, and love - Richard Dawkins
The Elements of Style - William Strunk, Jr. and E.B. White
The Fiske Guide to Colleges 2005 - Edward B. Fiske

Last books I (am) read(ing):
The Blind Watchmaker: Why the evidence of evolution reveals a universe without design - Richard Dawkins
First Cut: A season in the human anatomy lab - Albert Howard Carter III
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix - J.K. Rowling
Thief of Time - Terry Pratchett
Catch-22 - Joseph Heller

Last book I finished:
The Professor and the Madman: Murder, insanity, and the story of the Oxford English Dictionary - Simon Winchester

Five books that mean a lot to me:
Stanley in the Dark - Meg Rutherford and M. Christina Butler
I learned to read in the Swedish edition of this book.
Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban - J.K. Rowling
The book that forced me to start reading English when I couldn't bear to wait for the Swedish translation.
Carpe Jugulum - Terry Pratchett
My signed edition from the Discworld convention.
A Devil's Chaplain: Reflections on hope, lies, science, and love - Richard Dawkins
The most beautifully written science book I've read.
The Oxford English Dictionary
Because it includes everything else.

Five people I'd like to see do this as well:
Everyone?

i'm not going to comment on today's events, but i've (as evident from this post) reconsidered my decision to leave livejournal. i know there have been rough spots, but i hope that in the future we can find the maturity in ourselves to make decisions that we won't want to retract when we look back at them.

much love. ♥

for what it's worth, this isn't meant as either hostile or melodramatic. this is meant like, 'i'm tired of scribbles in yearbooks and overheard comments in hallways and lately i've been feeling that not much of it is worth the trouble'.

i don't understand how you can claim to hate someone and still keep smiling to their face. i don't understand what you gain everytime you tear someone down. i know that everyone talks about each other and that there's nothing to be done about it, but i've always tried not to randomly trash people i've considered to be my friends. i've honestly tried, and if i've ever said something unjustified i'm sorry.

but hana, if i bother you, it's your responsibility to tell me and not mine to find out. and michael, i don't know what people have been telling you, but i guess i'm sorry about whatever. and nikola, i'm sure you don't read this, but what you wrote in that yearbook isn't even fucking true.

i don't think anyone takes me seriously anymore. i'm not sure i even take myself seriously. but honestly, guys, if you have a problem with me, let me know--i promise i'll leave you alone and it'll be better. you're not doing either of us any favors, and i'm really not that desperate for company.

i don't think i'll write here anymore. i'm not sure there's much to say.

I was cleaning my room and found my MBTI profile from the test we took at school, and rereading it I noticed it's really startlingly accurate. Just out of curiosity, can everyone who took it comment with their four-letter result? (Or comment with your name and I'll try to guess, if you'd rather do that.)

By the way, I'm INTP.

edit: A few descriptive passages from this website... (bolded for emphasis)

"Precise about their descriptions, INTPs will often correct others (or be sorely tempted to) if the shade of meaning is a bit off. While annoying to the less concise, this fine discrimination ability gives INTPs so inclined a natural advantage as, for example, grammarians and linguists."

"INTPs are relatively easy-going and amenable to most anything until their principles are violated, about which they may become outspoken and inflexible."

"A major concern for INTPs is the haunting sense of impending failure. They spend considerable time second-guessing themselves."

"INTPs and Logic -- One of the tipoffs that a person is an INTP is her obsession with logical correctness. Errors are not often due to poor logic -- apparent faux pas in reasoning are usually a result of overlooking details or of incorrect context."

"In seasons of low energy level, or moments of single-minded concentration, the INTP is aloof and detached in a way that might even offend more relational or extraverted individuals."

"Feeling tends to be all or none. When present, the INTP's concern for others is intense, albeit naive. ... INTPs are at risk of being swept away by the shadow in the form of their own strong emotional impulses."

the truth is i don't think anyone at wis likes me that much. and that's okay because i've gotten pretty self-sufficient. (i'm a bit of a misanthrope really.)

I think one reason I don't write here very often is that I'm afraid of permanence. Putting things in writing makes them real in ways I'm not completely comfortable with.

Considering the following--
(a) no one likes to leave the personal up for dissection
and
(b) the mundane is never very interesting
--well, there just isn't that much left to say.

So without giving all too much detail: Things have been solid recently, if very superficial.

My dad got an extension.
We're staying in DC.