In the summertime when the weather is high
You can stretch right up and touch the sky
When the weather's fine
You got women, you got women on your mind
Have a drink, have a drive
Go out and see what you can find
god. ugghhh fuck.
i haven't felt so alone in a long time. i'm dealing with a lot of shit and it's just been building up and right now i need to do what i do best.. UNLOAD. and get all this shit off of my chest. just spill my guts to a best friend.
but no one is there for me. i haven't talked to my "best friend" in over a month because i've been so busy and haven't had time to call her. and i don't wanna just call her now because i have a bunch of shit to talk about. my other best friend's dealing with shit, some unavailable, basically everyone i need to talk to is some way or another.. busy. either that or they're the ones that i need to talk ABOUT.
fuck. this never happens to me. and when it does, i lean on my back ups. you know, those people who just love you for some reason or another? and you never really talk to them unless you reeeallly need to talk to someone. they're the people you hang out with when there's nothing else to do. well now, looking through my Contacts on my cell phone for those people, i can't seem to find any. those people that are good enough friends to stick by my side and let me use the hell out of them, are all gone. i ran out of them.i treated them like shit, they realized it, and now they're gone.
when i felt lonely, i always used to turn to my journal. and there were times when i was REALLY really lonely, for a long ass time. i made it a point to journal my shit every day. but when i started to make friends, have fun, go out a lot, feel loved.. i started to consider writing in a journal a last resort.
and here i am.
i used to love writing. looking back i did a lot of cool shit when i had time on my hands. having no friends made me pretty creative. i feel bad for throwing it all away. i never do cool stuff anymore and if i'm not out with friends, at work, at school, then i'm BOOORED. BORED BORED BORED BORED. "THERE'S NOTHING TO DO IN THIS HOUSE".
i never read, write, draw, nothing anymore. i used to be really good a photoshop and animation shop and i'd make some really tight ass things.
now the only time i open photoshop is to remove some blemishes for a stupid myspace picture.
i'm fed up with myself. my self confidence is down the drain right now and when it is then i start to take stabs at myself. it's bad.
fuck. let's get real here, i have a shitty "boyfriend". i don't know what to call him because he's NOT my boyfriend, but we're dating, and we've known each other (and put up with each other) for a long ass time now. he's a jerk and he's a LEO. and we all know how leo men are. god dammit. anyway he talks shit to me all the time and i just want to let him go, especially at times like this where i'm so damn close, and we're fighting on day's end. but i can't. because there's always just that SOMETHING. that won't let you. god dammit. you know the feeling. once i heard a quote "If I didn't love you so much.. i would HATE you." i don't know where from but i guess that's how i'm feeling. not to go so far and call it "love", but i mean i really like him, and there's always that something connecting us. even when i hate his guts.
bla for all i know maybe it's just the love and attention he gives me. when i start to think about if i didn't have him.. i would have no one to tell me how gorgeous i am. no one to tell me how amazing i am. and honestly i just don't know if i'm strong enough to live without that.
screw this, i'm calling my grandma.
and i'm not kidding.hahahaa