__draggedunderneath

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 04:15:10 GMT

do you know what i miss the most?

i miss when the defention of my life was skateboarding and punk rock. i miss when the sex pistols and lower class brats were my favorite bands. i miss when i could go all summer long without a shower. i miss just walking around, causing trouble, and getting harrassed by the harahan cops.

well, three or four years have passed by and i've learned a lot about myself, which changed me i guess. though i'm different today, that wasn't "just a phase". that was just me, simply, growing up. i'm still trying to live my life to the fullest, stand tall for what i believe in, and be who i am; no matter what the mainstream or society wants me to be. which, to me, is what punk rock is about.

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 04:08:55 GMT

you know, maybe i drink too much. but i find it easier to open a bottle, than to pretend people actually love me.

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 23:52:37 GMT

i swear to christ i took a saint out to a dance once. i don't deserve her attention. i'm a sinner, not a role model. maybe she'll rub off onto me, as well as my thighs. or maybe i'm only kidding myself.

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 05:45:41 GMT

would you trust these kids?

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 16:53:27 GMT

isn’t it amazing how two humans can grow apart in just a year? i remember seeing you for the first and, of course, the last time. i can still remember watching you walking off my front porch with something you didn’t come with, perhaps my heartfelt goodbyes. i can recite every single word that was said, even what you were wearing. i miss the way your skin felt up against mine and your short glares. isn’t it something? how i can recall all of these things that have no meaning? but i couldn’t even begin to tell you why it couldn't work out...

just pretty please promise me one, last thing, if you don’t mind. promise me that you’ll acknowledge my presence the next time we meet, or just a simple hand shake, or maybe even a kiss on the cheek if i’m lucky. the choice could be all of the above, but i know i’m already pushing it.

i'm sorry and happy birthday teresa.

Sat, 07 Oct 2006 18:55:56 GMT

friday night i was the bird shit on your windsheild. i was unwanted by some, but loved by others. one thing's for sure though, inbetween every spiked-up hair, popped up collar, and every single fake diamond, i was among the few real souls. and without a doubt, i gave the party character. and you know what? i wouldn't have it any other way.

and on the open road that i happen to call the way home, with my headache and a beauitful day ahead of me, i had time to think to myself. will i ever seceed and get where i need to be? i have had this thought since the first time i heard tom delonge and mark hoppus. and if so, is that what happiness is? do i believe in god? do i believe in the teachings of his son, jesus christ? if i were to die right now, would it matter to anyone? anyone at all? would i have made a difference is people's lives? would i be remembered for the good things that i'm truly about? am i in love? was i ever in love? will i ever be in love? will i ever have that son that i always talk about? i would love to be half the man my father is, for i would be satisfied in myself. i never really thought about what was said when people said that we're all different. but if there is one, true thing out there, it is that we are all different. no one will ever be able to fully understand how i think, my loves, my fears, and my life. people can help, accept, relate, and care. but they can never truly know, never. we are all alone, each and every one of us. but people can truly help us, accept us for what we are, relate to what it is that makes us tick, and care weather or not we live out our dreams and hopes. ladies and gentlemen, i can relate to all of you. each and every one of us will find happiness, in one form or other. all we ever want is to have a simple thing like a smile upon our faces and for others to share the same joy, but it'll never work like that. accept it, as i accept you.

saturday night i was one happy piece of bird shit, i'm telling you. everyone was in a great mood since the start, on top of that, it was just the perfect weather. every member made it out saturday and had the best practice we've had in a long, long time. greg, david, and christine came out to hear us. they said they liked us, but were they just saying that because we're all friends? but then again, even the most negative comment was not even offenive in any way, so that has to be telling of us something. it doesn't matter, we think we're good and we're having fun. that's what it's all about anyway, it's just that having fans doesn't hurt. went to hannah's party and barely enjoyed because of drama between friends and just for the sake of not being my kind of party. my kind of party didn't start until people claimed down and we got back to my house. we broke out the beer and harder drinks, cigarettes, get up kids, and SLC punk. it was possibly one of the best nights i've had in a long time, and we didn't even do much! just wish a certain few were there with us..

last ngiht ryan came over and ate steak with me and my parents. i think it was time ryan and i hung out again, without any bullshit about friends, school, family, or even girls. i think he was surprised that i actually made sure everyone has happy last night (or, rather, tired to), kept my house straight, and made sure everyone was safe.

tonight some of my mom and dad's old friends from high school and college came over. christopher showed all of them a film he's been working on. it's pretty damn good, i must say. but i have to admit that i am pretty damn jealous of him. and as i was burning a cigarette, i could hear everyone clapping. everyone. you see, people have all kinds of tatses in movies, but not in music. if travel by stars played for them, they would have clapped, but they wouldn't have really enjoyed it. we're nothing but a bunch of punks to them. and even if they did want to hear us, it's a pain getting everyone there for practice, let alone to play at my house, unplanned, and on a week night. it's so easy to show a film to a group of people with just one person because everyone that worked on the film gets credit as soon as the end appears. eh, i just wish my parents were as proud of me as they are of my brother.

i honestly love and care for each member of my family and friends. even you, yeah you, the one that's reading this. i know some of us have not talked in so long, please keep in mind that i've had alot on my plate lately. and i'm sorry for every single thing that i've ever done wrong, i know none of you deserve the things that i have done. for that, i am a bad person and i am not a man. but i swear that i am willing to try to be.

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 04:32:37 GMT

ones and twos fall through me, like singles of pairs.
ones and twos neglected, bitter as i remember
and so they were out. hunting for me.
i remember saying goodbye for the last time.

i enjoy life.
what about you?

Wed, 27 Sep 2006 01:33:35 GMT

tomorrow i have to go to a funeral for someone who really didn't deserve. it's not like i touched his soul or anything, but he sure as hell touched mine. he was the only one in that group of children that actually talked to me. i felt like he enjoyed me, and we promised to hang out more often. i had heard he was getting into harder stuff, it looks as tough no one even tried to stop him. at the sametime, it's not like i did much better myself. and maybe someone did try, it just didn't get through to him. i don't want to make this sound like we were so close or something, because we weren't. but i can say that i do remember everytime we hung out, doesn't that measure up to something? anything at all? i can say that he was one of my first friends at rummel, one of my only ones..

i can't help but to feel like this is only the first of a long string of funerals i'll attend for friends. i hope not, but let's face it, it's probably true.

i was supposed to go to this kid's show saturday, but he won't be playing anymore. miss ya' already, kiddo.

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 04:17:23 GMT

panic! at the alex.
enough said.

Sun, 10 Sep 2006 04:38:32 GMT

this autumn was supposed to be a good one.

everything i worked so hard to get is slowly falling at my hand, it's like trying to grasp onto sand. first off, the relatonship i loved is gone and i lie awake at night wanting to dail her number almost every night. the trick up my sleve is not ready to make things official, but i'm not even sure if i am. but this goes way beyond girls. this is not the project i wanted it to be and it's just getting started. we're slowly getting heavier and turning into exactly what i tried so hard to get away from. but it'll take more than that to get rid of me. one friend was always far from me, but now, he's getting further. it may only be because of the season, but i just wish he'd realize how much i miss our adventures. my twin has alot on his plate and just doesn't have time to do the things we used to. he's different and he's changed. i remember singing the cure all night and worshiping tom delonge, but those nights, from nearly one year ago, are gone. if i've ever grown so much with someone, it would be him. he's on the brink of a nervous breakdown and there's, really, nothing i can do about it. mostly because he never talks and opens up about anything, a distance relationship is eating him alive, and he's going through everything i'm going through. and last but not least, my brother. the one friend that i've known the longest out of the people that i hang out with is focusing on bigger things. and by all means, i want him to. but he's considering saying goodbye to the one thing that keeps all four of us alive. this project seen blood, sweat, and tears. for real. i have seen this kid happy and depressed. i have seen this kid cry and smile. if there's anyone, i want him to be friend i never loose contact with. i want him to the one i smoke with on the front porch talking about the nights we're going through right now, while we're in college and just getting started to live. i want him to be my best man when i get married and i want him to the godfather of my children. i love him to death and i'm just scared that i didn't say that enough. i hate to think like this, but i can't help but to feel like he's saying goodbye to us.

this autumn was supposed to be a good one.

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 04:45:41 GMT

so now i've made the decision to walk behind you in the dark for the rest of my life. and i'll never show my face again because it's too scarred and bloody to be enough and i don't have the right stuff. all i have are the empty boxes to carry away your heart. and i think that tonight you will sneak into your house and i'll sing songs and wake you up. and i'll take you blindfolded dancing onto bridges and you'll say you don't to be with me. because no one ever does and no one ever thinks of me that way, but i will even drive you home if you never let me forget about you. and if you promise me that i'm good enough for someone because i've got to be good enough for you. and someday soon i'll get it right and then you'll see just how good i can be. so don't ask me about forever because right now i'm feeling lost. but there's got to be some place for me because if there isn't where will i go will there be some place for me and will you be waiting there for me? if and when we get there please catch me before i crawl all the way home. but i won't stop until you do.

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 16:56:31 GMT

i met possibly a kid that's going to affect my life in some way last night, BJ. talked about how fall out boy was so good and how pete wentz sold out. talked about how mark hoppus is going places and how travis barker is just weird. richard dubourg likes travel by stars and he drove me everywhere last night. in which, my paycheck is still in his car. rene got me drunk last night, which made me loosen up around others. PC3 was good, as usual. the last time i saw those guys, it had to be at riverside. alot of new material, from what i heard. they only played a few seconds of beachcrab, which kind of upsetted me.

i am living proof that the hardcore lifestyle exsits. i stayed at a friend's house last night, one that i haven't talked to in weeks. when i got there, he took care of me and fed me his food. i can always depend on others through unity.

brothers, i know the perks and the pain of a heartful young man. i know you're tired of asking the same questions and never finding answers, not in religion and not in the government. who am i? why am i here? what's the point to living? is happiness just a dream? will these feelings of lonliness ever go away? i know all you ever wanted was for a girl to run her fingers through your hair whenever you're down. i know all you ever wanted is to be able to connect with just one girl in that special way. i know all you ever wanted is to have a perfect relationship. but to them, this is a game. they test us and they lead us on. they wouldn't know a good thing if it came up and cut out their lack of heart. i know all you ever wanted was for your father to be proud of you, just for one second. the key is to realize your life is your own, live your life to the fullest, and just live with no regrets. i know all you ever wanted was a real and personal friendship. but truth is that the closest friends can stab the deepest wounds. just know that i am here for you, brothers. i am here.

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 18:49:35 GMT

oh great, here i go again i'm stuck in this rut and i'm not sure how to begin. should i tell you everything? i'm feeling out of luck, so i won't see you soon because i know it's too soon for you to see me. if this is the last thing you do, just tell me that it's okay for me to have these feelings for you, and that it's normal to want to call you. i'm dialing the phone, and i'm letting it ring for hours, and i'm pretending to hear your voice. why does my heart always beat before yours does? after a while you can make yourself believe in almost anything, so i'm making myself believe in you.

Tue, 22 Aug 2006 03:00:35 GMT

my teacher called me a good sport today. and i would have posted about how much i love her yesterday because we actually made one year, but it would have been only a reminder that it couldn't have worked out, and a reminder that i do not even deserve for her to look my way. but between you and i, my teacher is a liar. good sports don't cry because of some girl that they gave one year of their life to, and now, she's gone..

Thu, 17 Aug 2006 05:08:20 GMT

so long sweet summer,
i stumbled upon you and gratefully basked in your rays.
so long sweet slumber.
i fell into you now you're gracefully falling away.

summer ended exactly how summer began, talking about star wars and smoking a cigarette. i couldn't help but to feel older and wiser while i threw my last cigarette butt of the summer. i feel like i've gone through alot this summer and i know i learned alot about life this summer too. this was the best summer of my life, that's a fact. but, at the same time, i'm kind of eager for school to start again. funny thing is, i know the school aspet of it is going to be hard, but the social aspet will be great. mainly because i'll be driving sometime before may. so then, i won't have to feel like a dick and depend on certain people for certain things. but most of all, i can go to hammond whenever she wants.

eng II - rome; a
theatrart I - guajardo; c
biology - indovina; d
lunch - lunch;
geometry - new; l
french I - ferry; a
west civ - baudry; d
rel II - hutchines; s
homerm 10 - hardy; j

say hello to boring week days and long winter nights.

another reason why i can't wait for it begin is because the band will finally get off the ground. ever since i was seven and bought blink-182's dude ranch, i've known what i've wanted to become. really, i haven't written much (lyric-wise) since last april but i wrote some stuff here and there. here's some of it:

as for me, i'm untieing these ropes,
unrolling those sails, and setting them for along time
because i've been through this way too much
and i've been too many places to know and

to relize that you'll never be the same again

i wish i could count on you half as much as
i could count on getting your dial tones
(excuses all used up, eyes filling with water)
(should have thought about this before it happened)
i wish i could count on you half as much as
i could count on getting your dial tones
(excuses all used up, eyes filling with water)
(should have thought about this before it happened)

____________________________________

so let's just stare as the smoke reaches the sky
we could talk about what it is exactly you're trying prove

here i go again trying to, trying to talk to you
because i swear talking to you is like breathing for the first time
here i go again trying to, trying to talk about anything
because i swear, i swear i need you...

here i go again searching for, searching for the right things to say
because i swear i'm trying my best not to ruin what i used to have
here i go again searching for, searching for reasons to be by my side
because i swear, i swear you were my everything...

and as i fall, face first on the floor, in hope you'll catch me someday
you slowly turn away, just to reject what you just created
and as i fall, face first on the floor, in hope you'll notice me
you slowly turn away, just to forget about me....

here i go again searching for, searching for the right things to say
because i swear i'm trying my best not to ruin what i used to have
here i go again searching for, searching for reasons to be by my side
because i swear, i swear you were my everything...

because i know you know that you mean more to me
then what you give yourself credit for, you just shut your eyes
you shut your eyes to push away what i'm trying to prove
because you could never admit that i'm right in the first place
because i know you know that you mean more to me
then what you give yourself credit for, you just shut your eyes
you shut your eyes to push away what i'm trying to prove
because you could never admit that i'm right in the first place

Fri, 11 Aug 2006 11:35:15 GMT

pack a day, one shot, and five beers doesn't mix well. i remember the first time i ever met dan grudo. cypress hall, nearly four years ago. my first local show ever: soliet green, skinkrawl, and the sofa kings. i always wanted to be a rockstar, i guess. but it really didn't hit me as hard until i saw richard dubourg on the ground with his sunburst fender standard telecaster and his skull strap, giving it everything he had. the second time i met dan grudo, it was at a sofa kings show in guitar center. throughout the next year or so, i kind of followed the sofa kings and slowly became exposed to other local bands. when it came time to record my first serious band, life as it was, we chose to record with larry constant. i guess this was the first time i actually hung out with dan outside of local shows and such. dan didn't do much while we recorded, just sit there smoking his camel turkish royals, adding to his cigarette butt collection, and reading his graphic novel, blankets. i remember when dan and i were supposed to go see dashboard confessional in mississippi, went through hell and back for getting the tickets, finding out where exactly the place was, and it was all for nothing because we didn't go. i remember meeting dan at compusa and waiting for him to get off of work, this was the first time i went to the appartment as well. i learned alot about dan the weekend i stayed with him, i learned alot about myself the weekend i stayed with him as well. i remember hearing his songs before anyone else and singing catchy, pop songs in the car. i remember the failure of galilee productions and how dan tried to make it work out, but really just didn't care at all. i remember the first time i heard that he was moving to houston again, except this time was probably the real deal. august 9, 2006 was probably the last time i'll ever go the appartment, maybe even the last time i'll ever see dan grudo. for a good bit of the party, i was too busy vomiting up my insides with richard dubourg and jard marcell nursing me. i remember enjoying myself at the party, i remember everyone getting there, i remember talking to david falati for a few minutes, and i remember nick urrutia telling me i would fit in on the cover of saves the day's through being cool because i was sitting just like them on the sofa. i remember when richard fell over the sofa beside me and asked me how i was feeling, i remember him leding me to the bathroom, i remember him wiping the toliet for me, and i remember him and dan talking to me. but it was too late, the bubble around my head, that jared marcell was talking about, already started. i don't remember going down stairs with jared, but i remember being down stairs with jared. i remember the cups of salt water, and i remember richard and jared picking me back up the stairs after two or three, long rounds in the bathroom and outside on the grass. i remember waking up and feeling fine, but still drunk. i remember that everyone had left just about and i remember playing werewolf with everyone that was left. i remember seeing nick, tim, richard, and dan naked, though i'd like to forget. i remember watching the sunrise with dan and richard on the levee, while everyone else was back at home. what it is we talked about will probably be the last, real deep, conversation i'll ever have with dan grudo. i remember going to russel's, overeating, and feeling like crap again. most likely, my last memory of dan grudo will be shuting the door for him so he could have sex one, last time before going to texas. no doubt, i'll miss dan to death. dan grudo has taught me alot about life in general, some good and some bad. he taught what it feels like to be truly let down by your closest friends, what it feels like with you introduce your ex-girlfriend to her present boyfriend, and how it feels when mostly everyone dislikes you just for the sake of disliking you. if nick urrutia is the one i can relate to and if richard dubourg is my older brother, dan grudo's probably the one i learned the most lessons from. it's amazing, and kind of pathetic, how much those three gentlemen had an impact on my life. again, i'll miss him to death and i hope he can say the same, but maybe i'm just a wishful thinker...

lately i've been extermely unhealthy, not taking care of myself, and depending everyone else around me to look out for me. i'd like to assume that i've been happy lately, but i've gone through alot of ups and downs in the past few weeks. i had to deal with the feeling of being betrayed by a close friend, lack of money and health, the feeling that everyone that i hold the dearest to me holds distance between us, and obviously, saying goodbye to someone i looked up to in a way. but on the lighter side of things, i got a job at pacsun in the esplanade mall. i like the job alot so far actually. it's very calm and i feel like i'm surrounded by friendly people. and i find it very hard to believe that in nine days, it'll be one year with teresa, off and on. it doesn't feel like it at all, but at the sametime, it does. it's kind of weird, but i guess that's just growing up.

i don't want to get old.
i don't want to die because i have so much to learn.
if i could ever get those brain cells working...

Sat, 05 Aug 2006 22:22:22 GMT

[i found a journal i was keeping for english class in fifth grade.]

alone

there i am on the hill alone... sometimes people come up and i make friends... then, my friends make new friends and i'm alone again...

then, she came up... she was nice and we became friends... but, she got new friends and left me on the hill... alone.

now i am on the hill alone...

just waiting for her to come back to join me... but, until then i'm... alone...

the girl

the girl is different than all the other girls. i know doesn't feel the same way i do. the makes me want to be a better boy. the girls makes me nervous so i really can't eat. the girl makes me have butterflies.

maybe...someday...she might feel the same way i do...

the girl makes me feel like it's raining outside...and when the sun comes up i'm all torn up inside...

maybe...someday...she might feel the same way i do...

superman

i may not be superman... but, i can sure try if i can...

i will tell my dad and my mom that i'm not trying my best... but, i will tomorrow...

i might need help...but, no i can do it by myself...

cheating

looking at the playground in the park... hearing little kids scream "cheater!" i really never knew what it was... until it happened to me...

different

when i was just a little kid... i'd look at everyone different from me and point and laugh.

then, i woke up... i saw that i was the one...different... and everyone was pointing and laughing at me...

[while all the other boys were playing second-hand touch football, i had my pen and paper.]

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 09:33:08 GMT

i remember a scene before brandon shock.
i remember a scene before steveo and gary bob.
i remember a scene a long time ago...

i'm not saying i am better than anyone just because i've been going to local shows longer, that would be stupid. i just miss going to cypress hall and hanging out with the members of second to jamie and all that good stuff. maybe i get like this just because i relize i'm getting older or some bullshit like that. besides, there's alot of people that have been going longer than myself, and i'm nothing special. it's just horrible when i go there, pay every single time, support the bands, and i get treated like crap. i understand the high ground is a business now, but i wish they would be just alittle bit more nice about everything. i don't know, maybe they would like me more if i had metal in my face. when stuff like that happens i can't help but to think, look, i've been coming here for three or four years. don't give me this shit. who the fuck do you think you are? maybe it wouldn't be so bad if they actually put their egos aside for one second and actually said, "please". i know i wasn't there to help paint and totally re-create cypress hall, and i know i'm not fucking a staff member... but i just want to enjoy a show, that i payed to see, in peace. for the most part, that is my only problem about the high ground.

other than that, i think it's great. barely any violence and i just feel alot more safe around there. i heard something about movie screenings awhile back, that would be awesome. i've never heard of a venue doing that. i also heard that they're opening the bottom floor for playing and the top floor for merch and shit. nice idea, i must say. and i'm very thankful for our booking (thanks to brad, jay, and brandon) because i feel like they actually put new orleans on the map for major touring bands. keep up the good work, because it's headed in the right direction.

Mon, 24 Jul 2006 07:13:49 GMT

when i die i want my last words to be: "i love you".
i hate to be just like everyone else.
but i expect her to be there when i breathe my last.
i believe hate is a strong word, but so is love.
so don't say it too much, for it'll loose it's meaning.
and i can honestly say that i mean it this time around.

it's kind of funny, she says all the right things when
her mind isn't exactly sober.
but she doesn't have anything to say when she's competely there.
such ashame, but i'm still lucky.
she's far too good for me.
trust me, i know i can say that again.

but the truth is, i'm scared to death of the afterlife.
mostly because i know i'm headed south.
because people like me just simply don't get in.

i'm going down like james dean.
i'll be forever young.

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 22:23:48 GMT

at age four, i discovered music.
at age seven, i discovered myself.
at age nine, i discovered tom delonge.
at age twelve, i discovered cigarettes.
at age thirteen, i discovered strings.
at age fourteen, i discovered rebellion.
at age fifteen, i discovered love.
at age sixteen, i discovered lonliness.

and finally, i discovered second chances.

i am the luckiest boy in the entire universe.

Thu, 13 Jul 2006 04:36:02 GMT

love music for the feeling and the passion of it.
not the image...

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 01:57:11 GMT

GIRL: ~~T10015~~
you were amazing, smart, good looking, well dressed, and friendly. what more could a boy ask for? you came to me and you started everything. you and i talked about hope and other smart things of that nature. it's kind of funny, i thought i saw you and i together and sharing something meaningful. i should have discovered right there that you were too good for me. but instead, i discovered that you talk to every boy like you talk to me. and i also discovered that i am nothing special or unique in your eyes and in your soul. just another face, just another wave on the streets.

it hits you after drinking ten to fifteen shots of vokka, passing out soon after that, and waking up with morrissey in the backround at four on a monday morning. i am a hypocrite, and i will never follow my own advice. i will never be happy because the defention of happiness lives across a lake and named teresa. i will always feel left out and lonely because i push everyone and everything away from me. things will never change because i am dependent on others to change, instead of myself. besides, i am apart of a generation raised by women. i'm not even sure if another woman is what i need.

i don't care if it hurts, i want to have control.
i want a perfect body, i want a perfect soul.
i want you to notice, when i'm not around.
you're so fucking special,

i wish i was special.

Sun, 09 Jul 2006 20:54:33 GMT

italy just won the world cup.

enough said.

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 05:15:19 GMT

06/30/2006 A.D.
after getting home i quickly went to practice. i had had plans with david for the whole weekend. he was pretty much going to live with me until monday, but it didn't quite work out. so i went to anthony's house after the silent game show [which was amazing, by the way. except they messed up pretty bad. but the way i look at it is this: that was the worst time i've seen them mess up their set and they pulled it off pretty well. therefore, they are one hell of a band.] you see, i had started the drinking across the street, in the parking lot, from the high ground. nothing to get me too light headed but it was a good start. when i got to anthony's house, jay and chase were about five minutes behind us, then david and bubby joined about ten minutes after them, and finally billy jung and brad from the silent came about two hours after them. as for everyone else that was there, i didn't know them too well. billy jung and bubby got me drinking a six pack of purple haze, after a coor's light. about an hour and a half later, i was out of it. i talked to greg [which i have no idea what time he came] about god, satan, and girls, and i talked to brad and anthony about spiderman III. billy and brad brought me home the next morning.

07/01/2006 A.D.
practice. again. stayed at ryan's house with josh. also stayed sober.

07/02/2006 A.D.
practice. a third time. stayed at ryan's house with josh again, but with dominic this time too. also stayed sober again. saw alex for the first time since he came back in town, i missed him alot. dominic hit the sheets pretty early, leaving the three of us going out like how it used to be. we just payed tim a visit because it's been so long since we've seen him. we stopped by kat's house for a second. returned to ryan's, they joined dominic's state of rest. suddenly david called me, asking if i had something to tell him about jessie. the story is that i sent jessie a message, confessing my undying love for her, which is totally false. i went to my inbox, the last message we sent to each other was 06/23/2006 A.D. and it was "the no seatbelt song" by brand new. david sent the exact "quotes" when she said i sent that to her. i started talking to amanda about it and through her, jessie found out. jessie claims it's false, but david claims that he is not making this up. i could care less, i just want them to know that i did nothing of the sort. i hate drama. i hate drama even more when it is completely pointless.

07/03/2006 A.D.
fourth practice. a good one. went to andrew's to cool down. josh and dominic went straight there, which ryan and i picked up tim. all of them are too rough in water. much like sharks or something of that nature. i tried to regain my skating skills when ryan left about twenty minutes after josh and dominic. andrew and i went to the high ground, while tim hung out with scruffy. we had made plans for tim and andrew to stay at my house, but it didn't quite work out. so i hung out with adrianne [which was much needed], amanda, and jessie after andrew left. we went to erich's party, this is when the drinking started. went to the boat launch and just talked, but i can't remember about what. after dropping jessie and amanda off, adrianne dropped me off at the lake. this is when i met up with scruffy, tim, alex, and dan. tim and alex were stoned, which didn't help with the fact that i was on my way to getting drunk. we went to a bar and stole some booze, noticed alex lost his phone, went back to the lake, went back to the bar, found it, and stole some more booze. why we went to a church, i have no idea. but the three police cars came and made us put our hands against one of the cars. after that, a bunch of bullshit was said. overall, the policemen weren't jerks or anything, just doing their jobs. or, of what i can remember. we went back to scuffy's and i took about a fifteen minute nap, which made me start to sober up alot. alex and i stayed up and watched fight club. by the time it was over, the sun was up.

07/04/2006 A.D.
got home. crashed. practiced one, last time.

so, how was your weekend?
go on, tell me all about it.
tell me about your happiness.
tell me about your fears.
tell me what you want.
tell me what you need.
i'm waiting, i'm waiting for you.

Mon, 26 Jun 2006 03:23:50 GMT

i am now apart of the NOLA kickball league. i went to the first game ever and it was the best day i've had in a long time. even though nick urrutia's team beat mine (15-13), i still had the best time in the world. i sucked at first, but i got better as the game went on. the funny thing is, everyone that was playing was more than likely the kids to get picked last to play at school.

matt, sam, and i went to jessie's house. we went to sam's. and we went back to jessie's, only to go to zots. all i remember is that matt and i laughed for, what felt like, two hours. and i remember jessie and i having a debate over something stupid. all in all, great day. just wish amanda would have at least called me. she said we would hang out, she promised. i guess she found better company that night. it's okay sweetheart, i'm used to it.

when i was going to sleep at sam's, i couldn't help but to feel like i always feel. right before i go to sleep, that's when i feel the most lonely. i remember calling savannah when i felt like this, guess i can't now. it would just be too weird for me. i kind of feel like i have no one to live for, or no one is living for me. but jessie told me something that makes me cope with it alittle bit more. she said that lonliness isn't always be a bad thing because that is when one feels most comfortable and he or she can be him or herself. very wise, very smart. but it cannot replace my longing for something meaningful.