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[08 Apr 2006|02:26am] |
I think I have a real problem.
I've always had this irrational fear of being raped/murdered/tortured in my home, but mostly it was a fleeting though, I'd hear a bump in the night while trying to get to sleep and then it would flash through my mind and leave right away but lately I've been fixated on it.
I haven't been able to sleep a single night this week. I get so scared, my heart beats like crazy and I start to freak out if I turn off the tv and light and try to sleep. I'm tired, but can't sleep at the same time. Then I call my boyfriend and talk to him for as long as possible, before I let him go because I know he has to work the next day and needs to go to sleep. I watch TV and play bejewelled mostly when I can't sleep to take my mind off the thoughts keeping me up.
I can't go to bed until the sun rises, around 6.
Tonight I'm in a pickle because I didn't get much sleep last night, and am tired. and I have to go to work for 5:30, so even if I could go to bed now I'd have to get up in 2 1/2 hours anyways, and if I stay up I have to stay up and be alert enough to work until 11 am.
It's really driving me nuts. the last shift i worked, I took nyquil to make myself drowsy and go to bed the night before, but my moms been sick so we don't have any left. I'm comtemplating buying some over the counter sleeping pills, until I possibly talk to my doctor about it, because I can't live like this, there must be some sort of either counselling to get over the fear, or anxiety medication, or both until I get it under control.
GUH. This is really driving me nuts. I know it's so irrational, and I try to lay there and talk myself through how silly it is, and how nothing is going to happen, and I do relazation things, like muscle contractions and things that I learned from a babysitting course, things that are supposed to help kids who are afraid get to bed. needless to say it's not working!
I'm thinking about calling Paul back and just being like please, I know I'm crazy...but please talk to me, lol.
ah, I'm going to go play bejewelled and watch reruns of leno.
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[10 Dec 2004|12:22am] |
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AHH. My philosophy essay is due TOMORROW. Or rather...TODAY! In a little over 10 hours!!
I have nothing!! NOTHING!!!
I need to write 1500 words on John Calvin and I'm not even exactly sure of what I'm supposed to be doing. Like whether it's about if I agree with him about something, or proving he was a great philosopher or what. AHH!!
Haha. I had to work all night tonight so that's why I don't have it done. That and the fact that I didn't start it weeks ago like I probably should have.
DAMNIT.
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[08 Dec 2004|12:14pm] |
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Unorchestrated - Hey Mercedes |
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One of my packages came in the mail today, but not the one with Matt's present in it. It better come soon and not be on backorder or anything.
My Philosophy ISU essay is due on Friday, and I have to work all Thursday night so I'm trying to work on it now but it's not going very well. There are too many distractions at home...if I were smart I'd go to the library, but I won't.
I also have to pick which schools i'm going to apply to for next year. It's all so confusing. I have to apply next Wednesday, and I want to make sure I have it all thought out first. I think I'm going to apply to Brock, Laurier, Concordia, and maybe Trent, then to Fleming, Seneca, Niagara, and umm...a couple more.
The problem is I have no self-discipline whatsoever, in any aspect of my life. I'm a slacker.
There are only seven school days left until Christmas, and two of those days are half days...I hope they go by quickly.
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[06 Dec 2004|11:17pm] |
Alright so I finished my Christmas shopping today...and I'm so broke. I've sworn I won't spend any money from now until after Christmas, besides for spending the 20 bucks or so in cash I have right now.
I almost lost like 100 bucks of stuff I'd bought from Shoppers. I left it at the self-serve checkouts in Loblaws, haha. I'm smart.
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[24 Nov 2004|11:56pm] |
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I bought Matt's Christmas present tonight - a shirt from vintage vantage. I hope it fits him! I asked his girlfriend what size he wears, but she wasn't much help.
I'm doing more shopping tomorrow, after I go to the bank and cash all my birthday checks!
I'm thinking about going to the protest, but I'm not sure. It's only 15 dollars for the bus ride there eand back, and if it doesn't turn into an insane riot it would be pretty neat to be a part of.
OH, the reason everyone is protesting is because Goerge Bush is making his first visit to Canada since being re-elected. He's going to be in Ottawa on the 30th, so people are bussing in from all over to "welcome" him, heh heh. It's going to be a zoo though, I'm afraid a few stupid people will fuck it up for everyone, and the riot police will come, tear gas rains down...mounties trample a few people...just general mass hysteria.
I'm going to think about it at least.
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[19 Nov 2004|12:09pm] |
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Believe In What You Want - Jimmy Eat World |
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40 days until I see him...shit I have to book so much time off from work, my manager is going to hate me.
I love Jimmy Eat World, always have, always will...and that's that.
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[19 Nov 2004|10:29am] |
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Gah, I have to finish a philosophy report on John Calvin by 2 o'clock so I can run to school and give it to my teacher. I'm nowhere near done...I just started it this morning because I worked from 3-11:30 last night. URRRR...school stresses me out so much.
I can't concentrate on it either, I'm freaking out because I don't know if I should do a shitty job, but hand it in on time...or if I should do it right and hand it in on Monday. If I hand it in today I won't have any citations, or bibliography, since I'm basically making it all up...she'll kill me for that. But she'll also kill me if I hand it in on Monday. AH, I just don't know.
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[17 Nov 2004|09:48pm] |
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Holy crap, my mom went to parent teacher night tonight...I seriously hate though things.
All the teachers always just try to scare my mom, saying I'll never amount to anything unless I get a 99 in their class.
Two of my teachers basically think I'm stupid, that I'll never even be able to get into a college...when I probably understand the material better then 9/10ths of the other people in a university level class. For law, I just don't hand stuff in because it's mindless work. We get at least one assignment a day, straight copying from the textbook or a newspaper article, I'm sorry if I find that pointless and boring to do for 4 hours a night. Give me something to think about, come up with my own ideas, let me come up with my own intelligent thought...make it more important to understand the material, then I'll take your fucking class seriously.
I enjoy how the point of my moms lecture was to get me to do my homework...which I was planning to do until she came down and interrupted me, spent an hour talking to me, and got me angry so the very last thing I want to do is my homework.
You know what I should do though...is from now on do every single fucking assignment my Law teacher gives me and prove her wrong. She's such a tool.
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[16 Nov 2004|06:18pm] |
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Long Goodnight - The Get Up Kids |
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Last night was so much fun. I love the Scherzo, Protest the Hero was awesome as always...it was intense.
I'm bummed I didn't stick around for Closet Monster though, I heard some guy was trying to start a fight during the set, they had to stop playing and everything for the cops to come and arrest the guy. That probably would've been something to see.
Mostly hung out with Celeste though, I hadn't seen her in a while...not since Hopesfall, wow. She's so hot haha. I want her hair, she's got black and red/orange dreads, they look so good.
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[15 Nov 2004|06:38pm] |
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Underground Operations Unity Tour is tonight. Protest The Hero, Bombs Over Providence, Closet Monster, Forty Cent Fix, and umm one more band, I forget the name.
I'm basically going for Protest...but Closet Monster is usually pretty fun to see, even if it's not exactly my thing.
Um yeah...I'm going alone, but I guess I'll know people there. Graham's hopefully coming...if he can get in. He works tonight, so I'm hoping it doesn't sell out before he gets there. He's my ride home!
Umm yeah. I had a meeting with my counsellor about post-secondary stuff. I'm supposed to do all this research online and report back to her. I'm not really sure about what I want to do though. I could go to University if I wanted to...but I'm not sure that I want to.
If I forget about all my families expectations, and think about what I'd really love to do...my dream is to work at an airport, or maybe a prison, oh or a border, haha. Is that crazy? I would really love to be a flight attendant, or a customs or immigration officer, or a correctional officer...anything like that, but nothing in the parole area.
Hmm...I'll have to think about this one.
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[14 Nov 2004|05:03pm] |
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Hmm...don't you love it when you buy a CD from a store, and the case is already broken when you unwrap it?
Yeah, me too.
I bought the Superdrag/Anniversary split today and it's fucking broken but if I took it back they probably wouldn't have another copy of the damn CD, so I'll just live with it.
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[12 Nov 2004|12:14am] |
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Wow, leave it to my mom to completely forget about me. I worked until 11:30 tonight, and she's supposed to come at around 25 after, because that's when I usually manage to get out. Well...I went out there tonight and she wasn't waiting, which isn't strange, I sometimes wait a few minutes for her to get there...but tonight a few minutes came and when, then a few more. I was starting to get mighty cold, sitting on the freezing pavement in only my thin work pants.
Soo...I phoned home.
No one answers...but I know for a fact that at least 3 of the 4 people in my house are home.
I figure...alright, if they were sleeping, they wouldn't wake up in time to get the phone before the machine kicked in....so I wait a few minutes and try again, still no answer, so I call right back....no answer.
I called my house a total of 15 times.
If your phone was ringing practically non-stop for half an hour, even if you were sleeping...don't you think you'd eventaully get up and answer it? I mean...someone is phoning back to many times for a reason.
Uhh...yeah, the end of my story is that my mom eventually did show up, at like 12:10, 45 minutes after I got off work.
I was pretty pissed off...I mean, 11:30 is late enough to work when you've got to go home and do homework, then get up at 7:15 for school.
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[07 Nov 2004|02:33pm] |
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I need to do some serious shopping...pronto.
I was some pretty clothes...all mine are so boyish, just t-shirts and jeans.
I can't spend too much though, I need money for airfare, I can't wait to get out of here!
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[06 Nov 2004|10:59pm] |
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Alright...so I'm at work tonight and I guess my driving instructor calls to set up an appointment. I'm not home, I'm at work, so my mom decides to set up an appointment for 11 o'clock the very next morning. She didn't call me to ask if I was busy or anything.
The thing is that I have to work tomorrow morning. Someone just quit and they needed someone who could cover their shift, and do it well. So of course I agreed, even thought i'd rather not get up at 8 am on a Sunday. But anyways...
This is my mom's (ex?) boyfriend's driving school. The man who lives with us...but hates us. And they have a cancellation fee if you don't give them 24 hours notice. So he got all pissed off, at my mom and I.
Why should he be mad at me though, my mom's the one who made the fucking appointment without asking me, and the instructor made it on less then 24 hours notice. I called her as soon as I go in from work...it's not like I just didn't show up. He's fucking stupid (my mom's ex), I'm glad my mom's finally standing up to him.
Uhh...so yeah. I was hesitant to book another appointment because I'm not sure when I'm working next week. All I know is I work tomorrow, Tuesday, then two more days. I'll have to call her tomorrow and make an appointment.
I can't wait to drive!! It will give me so much freedom.
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[05 Nov 2004|11:56pm] |
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Krista - Satellite Of June |
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Alright...here's an example of how thing's go in my life:
I just saw a video on Much, and I really liked the song so I go to look the band up on the internet and try to find out more about them.
Well...
I succeed in finding some more songs, and I'm really liking them. Then I look at the "shows" section of thier site and they were in Kingston a week ago. A show I was going to go to. I took the night off work and everything but decided not to go at the last minute.
Fuck, that pisses me off.
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[03 Nov 2004|11:03pm] |
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Today was pretty good actually. Went to Law...watched a movie about parole boards, then another movie about all the gangs on Riker's (sp?) Island. You know...that prison in New York.
Then Philosophy rolls around...and apparently it's "Career Week" at school to we had to go to a panel presentation. All these people talking about how they got into their fields and how the found success. It was a good idea...but they picked boring presenters.
Hmm...then I went home because I'd forgotten my work shoes this morning. EXCITING.
Then I met this kid, Toby...I talked to him yesterday on msn, and he goes to the school across the street from mine. He's friends with a friend of mine...so I figured we'd get along...and we did. So far he's pretty cool.
Uhh...then I went to history. Late. I should've never went because all we did is watch an old movie about Napolean. It was boring...it was supposed to be artsy, but there was no decent story.
YEAH.
Then work...with Adam, Mike, and the new girl Deseree. Work wasn't bad because the new girl had to work drive-thru and I didn't even have to wear a headset. And Mike...well any shift with Mike is good. Hah.
TOMORROW = Decafé at lunch...then Frontenac's coffeehouse. Should be funnn.
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[02 Nov 2004|06:28pm] |
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I didn't feel like going to school today...so I stayed home, slept a lot and worked on a puzzle. It's of a dog eating a green apple. I hope I can finish it, but it's hard.
Almost everyone I know is so fucking two-faced...I figured that out today.
I'm sick of waiting for something to change. Maybe things will. If you asked me a year ago, I would've never guessed that my life would be like it is now. Sometimes things creep up on you...I seriously doubt that will happen again though.
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[01 Nov 2004|04:39pm] |
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My parents are being really childish. They're "splitting up" but niether of them are moving out of the house. Joe and Janet don't answer the phone anymore, and we're doing seperate cooking and grocery shopping. But they still sleep in the same bad. What's with that?
I talk to Janet about it when we work together, but that's pretty much it. I'd rather have them get it over with and have someone move out. I wouldn't mind moving, but if anyone does I think it should be Joe. We are three people, he's two, and we lived in this house for 8 years before he ever moved in with us. But he's stubborn and won't give it up.
Urrr
But I guess I'm going out driving with my mom, she's going to teach me. Haha, we'll see how well that goes. Then off to do some shopping, since my brothers at hockey all night.
If my house is going to stay this tense forever, I will just find ways to never be home, to either be at school, work, or at a friends. I can't take it. Your house should be the one place you feel most comfortable.
Blah, I feel weird right now...I want to talk to someone, but there's no one online worth talking to.
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[31 Oct 2004|06:00pm] |
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I MISS IANNN.
It all started a year ago today. I can't fucking believe it.
He's my everythinggg.
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[30 Oct 2004|12:14am] |
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Just got in from work. I have the biggest fucking headache right now. Work wasn't too bad though....but it was super busy because its the last day of the month, everyone get's paid so they're all out spending money.
Today at lunch Geoff sang a Cure song to me. He's such a dork.
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