i dont understand why people dont just say what they mean to each others faces. fair enough, sometimes it wouldnt be very nice, but it would be a lot easier, no more second guessing what other people think of you! would also mean that if there was something annoying about yourself then people would tell you and you'd be able to sort it out. ive just got home from a night out n found notes all over my house such as "lock the door (and set the alarm!)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", "empty the bin, it only takes a minute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", and "dont leave empty loo rolls behind!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (and yes, they do all come with the !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!s!!!) its ridiculous. if people just said it to each other it would be a lot easier. now im sat wondering if the notes are meant for me, and if people are glad they moved in with me. but at the same time, im wondering if i even care too much. i just think that if everyone said what they meant the world would be a less confusing place!

This weekend just gone i realised a few things about myself. I got mugged in the early hours of monday morning and it was totally my fault. I was walking around, drunk, by myself because id just totally fucked things up with someone and made him hate me so much. Literally, as i got mugged i was thinking about things, thinking about how many times ive managed to isolate myself because of what may appear selfishness, but is actually me going off the rails. Like, over the past few weeks, i was seeing this great guy who, if id told him what was going through my head, would have supported me. But i didnt. I shut him out. Id act totally fine around the people who dont care that much about me, but around him i would be really offish. And its been that way as long as i can remember. 

I also realised that i might have a problem with alcohol. With alcohol i feel like this person who can do anything or be anyone, and i feel like people really like me. And i know alcohol does that with most people. But it has gotten to the stage where i will sometimes drink by myself to feel that, and not be able to stop at a couple when im out, i have to get hammered.  And then i will do really stupid things like walk around by myself at night!

I have also started self harming myself more and more often and i have taken up smoking again. I think its to do with the stress. I have my dissertation to do this year and i have no idea what to do. Im terrified. Im terrified im going to fail. Everything seems so huge, and even when i cut down what i have to do into tiny pieces, each little piece seems so big as well. And i cant cut it down into many more pieces. 

Tomorrow i am going to see my mum. She, my dad, and my brother are all coming over from spain, so me and my other brother are going to visit them. It will be really good to get out of middlesbrough and just have a change of scenery. Maybe if i get away for the weekend things wont seem so bad. 

Before i leave tomorrow though, i think i'm going to go make an appointment to see a counsellor at uni. I think its time that i actually talked to someone who may be able to help me. I'm going to go, just to talk about what happened sunday night, the "mugging" basically, but see where things go. I think im destroying my life and i need to do something about it before it gets too bad. I dont want to wake up in 10 years time and realise that i have done nothing with myself.

i just realised that all the work that i did on my essay earlier, like a 1000 words, i accidently saved to the temporary drive on the computer in the lrc. so now ive lost all my work. it made me cry. i'm crying a lot atm, and i feel so pathetic. like i'm someone with no control. but i do have control. i must do, i'm human aren't i, i'm conscious, so therefore i should have control. i know its partly cause i'm constantly exhausted atm, like my entire body aches cause im so tired. i just want a hug. a nice big hug that wont stop will i pull away that makes me feel all warm and safe. the perfect way to fall asleep i think would be to fall asleep with someone giving me a hug like that. a neverending hug. 

on the plus side, my tutor told me a few weeks ago that as long as i work lots and lots and study really hard, he cant see any reason why i shouldnt pass the year. i got 2 marks back for my essays this week, 62% on consciousness, and 50% on social and developmental psychology. pretty disappointed with the second one, but as long as i pull my socks up and study, i can still get a good grade! just got another 7 weeks of hard work, then i'm finished for the summer. still need a job though!!! can anyone help??

last night there were a few people out with cameras. and in all the photos ive seen, to me at least, i look sad. i just wonder if other people see it to

so recently ive been feeling pretty low, and someone told me that they find writing everything down helps, thought i'd give it a try. 

ive got myself into trouble with my finances, and my degree. too much socialising and not enough working has meant that i have a severe lack of money for the next month at least, and it looks like i'm going to fail this year. i'm trying to put the work in now, but its hard when i have so many thoughts crammed into my head trying to get attention. i'm hoping to pay back the majority of people i've borrowed money off (paul - i havent forgotton i still owe you money, but i'm hoping you'll let me off just a little while longer??) during february cause i know they all need it as much as i do, but its gonna leave me struggling. its all my fault, as usual, so just gonna have to sit in every night, which could work well since i've got a couple of essays and presentations for uni due soon. i am looking for a job, but nothings come about yet. 

on the bright side, both my brother and my mum are coming over this month. scotts got an interview at manchester met uni so he's coming over on the 10th feb to stay till the 13th, and then 10 days later on the 23rd my mum comes over till the 27th (i think). even though my family doesnt get along at the best of times, we can all deal with each other for short periods, so it should be good them coming over. hopefully my mum will buy me new clothes (jeans are DESPERATLY needed), n i can show scott what its like to be at uni - planning on taking him to aruba on the monday, rix has said that he'll try and buy me some drinks that night if i'm really low on cash. 

also been feeling a bit out of place atm. im constantly round at waynes n matts house, which means that when i am back in my flat, i feel a bit out of place, like if im watching tv in the kitchen and someone else comes in, like i should hand over the remote to them. i know its stupid, and im probably being a bit paranoid and all that, but i do feel like its not really my flat anymore, like everyone else has more control than me. which, to be fair, is pretty stupid, since im the one thats paying all the bills, and if it wasnt for me they wouldnt have decent internet or a tv license or anything. but still. i've taken to just locking myself in my room when im at home. at least this way i dont have to listen to nat talk about herself all the time though!

its weird, i barely talk to any of my friends from last year. me and jilly were so close last year, but we've barely spoken since the summer and when we're around each other i don't know what to say to her. i hardly ever see the people from my course cause i chose different seminars from them so i could meet new people, meaning to keep in contact with them but not really managing it. i dont miss them either, i dont really miss people, but just occasionally i wish that i'd stayed better friends with them. 

im constantly tired at the minute, and sleep loads, but never for long periods of time. i always wake up at like 6am n cant get back to sleep for ages. if only the library was open at that time, i'd be getting so much work done!