It's ladies night, all the girls drink for free

"can't" and "sorry" seem to be the words of the past few days

Mon, 12 Nov 2007 23:46:38 GMT

i don't know what to do with myself anymore.
i haven't been this depressed in a long time.

there are things i guess i could be happy about, i've been seeing and talking to more peope, but i just don't even want to put myself out there to risk the inevitable disappointment that'll end up happening.
maybe i just shouldn't have expectations anymore.

Sat, 27 Oct 2007 01:37:59 GMT

HAHA! i am the luckiest girl right about now.
i feel like i could do just about anything.

ahhhh and Thai food is amazing.

i am so fucking over it

Mon, 22 Oct 2007 22:00:03 GMT

wow high school needs to be over with. NOW. i'm so done with everything about it.

the whole fucking school is a giant cesspool full of immature little turds that i want to just run over with my car multiple times.

mmmm maybe not... there are some alright people. and the people i love. they make it slightly bearable. a hah.

college apps have begun. i just need to get my essay looked over and my SAT scores and i'm pretty much set... i'm so ready to get that shit done with also. also, undeclared ftw.

hahaahahaha i'm actually going to do Halloween again this year. oh, me.

i think it fits.

mmm

Fri, 31 Aug 2007 01:05:18 GMT

so wow. what the hell. i have not posted a damn thing in this journal since june.
and all i have to say was...
this summer was pretty much a waste. lets just sat i had higher expectations.. it has its highlights for sure (bonding with more people, meeting new people, lots of time with Peter, drunkenness, $$$, way too much food), and i'll always remember the good times i had. but honestly, i didn't get to see lots of people who i really wanted to set aside alot of time to see. (and i miss them terribly) work was total crap. (they can all eat shit, the lot of them) it was hot. (well it was summer... but still) i didn't get to look at as many colleges as i wished i could have. (so i already feel behind in that respect) also, i never got to go to any of the open calls i wanted to try and get around to going to at some point. i just wish i had the time and more people with enough motivation to back me in this. if i don't just go for it i'll regret it the rest of my life.

whatever.

i just feel overwhelmed because i just don't know what the hell i'm going to do with my life. i mean, i have an IDEA, but that dosen't really count for much. and idea just kind of jumpstarts you. i know what i want, but its not totally plausable. at all. nor would my parents actually want to respect it even if it WOULD happen. i don't want to be one of those 40-somethings trapped in a cubicle and realize, "HEY, i fucking hate this. i hate this. why did i decide to do this? i missed out on alot in my life because i JUST DIDN'T HAVE TO BALLS TO DO IT."
shit.
why am i thinking about this?

everyone is leaving for school and thats making me upset also. :/
i miss people that are gone now, and someone who'll be leaving in a few days...

maybe school will work out for me this year. i hope.
senior year better kick ass.
besides, i've already taken the good old senior initiative and NOT finished my summer reading!
best start to a year with Cielusniak, doncha think?

my live fucking journal has cobwebs on it

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 14:28:16 GMT

wowwwww june has been an exciting month. prom, people put bombs in lockers, it was 9 months for peter an d i (le <3), plus JUNIOR YEAR IS DONE. THANK GOD. THANK YOU JESUS.

Trophy Scars show is on Friday, pretty much the fist ever GOOD show in Wayne in the history of all shows.

i'm leaving to go to Utah on Saturday.... upsetting. i'll be sure to take massive amounts of pictures and do a photoblog, since i know i'll never actually write about the trip (unless its actually more traumatizing than i foresee it to be.) the flight leaves at like 6:30 or something. its gonna be death.

and i have to pack and i really do not want to pack because i hate packing, my clothes always get wrinkled and i always forget bras, i don't own enough summer wardrobe to even take on this trip and suitcases always get thrown around, something or other is going to explode in it. like the shaving cream. like it did the last time. :(

LIFE?! FREAK OUT!

Sat, 26 May 2007 00:16:25 GMT

FUCK. I DID SO FUCKING BAD ON SATS. FUCKKKKKKKKKK.
i feel doomed. fuck me.

also, another topic that deserves a FUCK FUCK FUCK is that i think i'm going to have my period on prom.... unnnnngggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

i want my hair cut, it looks like shit. that might make up for some things.
i say this every single entry.

i'm almost 100% sure i'm lactoseintolerant. :(((

actually life is really good right now. the really big ups have to come with little downs i guess.
i don't know why i'm freaking out or complaining.
haha, lack of something better to do i suppose.

Wed, 23 May 2007 15:13:22 GMT

took of from school as a "mental health" day today. i'm going to catch endoftheyear-itis soon, i can feel it. not like the teachers really care much or anything. finals are just going to suck, as they pretty much do every year.
i'm almost done with my NHS hours. fucking yesssssss. its about time. i swear i won't procrastinate next year.

thinking about it, summer is going to be amazing. lots of time off and trips to look forward to.
i'm debating wether or not to join the gym, the pool, or take this one week of modeling classes. i can actually swim this year, and i'm so excited.
ugh i'm finding out what hours i'm working today and they better not be shitty.

today my scars turn two! two years since surgery #1. :(

pointless

Tue, 08 May 2007 00:16:34 GMT

i'm pretty content with life as it is now.
SATs are done with. went over well. (i think(and hope))
the quicker school is done with the better. i don't care much about that anymore, really.
NHS is redic, i shouldn't have left so many hours to do at the last minute.
i seem to be liking shitty music i thought i grew out of lately.
the weather is amazing and its making me happy. i've spent alot of time outside lately, its very calming.

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 19:00:11 GMT

can't wait until this week is over.
i already have so many things i want to do over break, hopefully i'll have time to accomplish everything. i took off work all week, so that'll be amazing. i've been working too much.

i need a break.
i also need to stop feeling bad formyself.

i don't even know what i want anymore.

pointless

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 01:45:18 GMT

formal was lots of fun, as fun as i expected it to be. no real downers about the night, besides the fact that i had to go home at the end of it. :(
overall the weekend was really pretty amazing. i got to see Peter all day Saturday, and chilled with Sasha on Sunday. (lol Soviet Sundayyyy) i had fun. i also had no homework so it was a good break.
i can't believe that the 3rd MP is almost over. that scares me.
another scary thing is that i registered for the SAT for May 5th. it's seems far away now, but I'm sure the next entry will be like "FUCK, SATS TOMORROW!"
i don't like the idea of this test meaning so much. it'll probably make an ass out of me..

i need:
-a haircut
-a spring jacket
-a spring bag
-a GLOOMY BEAR! (eee)
-to stop eating out places, exception of starbucks.
-to post more formal pictures. ....no.......too lazy.

wtf, its going to be like 70degrees tomorrow and i have to work.
it NEVER fails. i just want to play. :(

when it gets warm i need to go to Rita's. i'm jonesin'.

pointless

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 19:42:18 GMT

i really like chai tea.
i think its my new thing. i wonder if they have chai tea lattes at starbucks?

i'm in a better mood, thankfully.
i finally got all my school junk done with.
its almost thursday. (always a big positive)
formal is friday, i'm excited.
i'll post PIXS. (wow, i'll fuckin finally have a real reason to use my camera. hah.)

most importantly, i will not let myself have a bad time. i will not let things bother me.
i will let things go.

live and learn, i guess.

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 17:42:03 GMT

i just bit off all my nails. old habits die hard.

i wish that all i had was all i need,
but i crave so much more.

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 20:15:50 GMT

Ooops, LJ negelect. no time for it. :/
i DID get my car, and i CAN drive it now, so i guess my social life should pick up a bit..
um, at least i hope it does.
work is boring, but all the crazy people have been coming in lately. i just hide in the basement (which still sucks but its better than having to deal with people).
HSPAs are annoying, and a waste of time. (lol but i'm still afraid i'll fail, idk why i think about stupid things like that.)
i want coffee.
it needs to stop being 20 degrees out, and start being fucking spring, which also means NO MORE SNOW, PLEASE. there are so many cute things i could be wearing, but can't because of cold. :(((

i dunno if i'm excited for formal, or i'm really just sort of dreading it a little bit. i have no idea what's going on afterwards, if there will even be something going on afterwards, and i can't dance so i'm going to look stupid, probably. i mean, it will be fun, i'm sure, but all these stupid little things are bugging me.

unnhh need sleep/caffeine before i go to work
more unfinished sentence fragments to come, when i find time

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 01:58:41 GMT

lifeeeeeeee
stop being boringgggg

it seems like my life revolves around working, eating, sleeping, and school.
it seems like i do the same exact things every week. its bothering me. alot.

blah blah blah

i feel guilty about some things i did this past weekend.
well, the good part of me is. the other part... well...
neh. i just don't want to make it a habit.

i have to get over this disgusting eating pattern i have.
everyone's obsession with food/weight is driving me to be borderline obsessive about what i do/eat. that kind of disgusts me because i have no reason to even think about stuff like that, honestly, but it gets to me.

//:brainwashed.

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 22:03:00 GMT

hahahah wtf i got a raise at work for doing nothing. i get 8$ an hour now, babayyyyy.
i'm suprised. i thought the library was stingy as hell, but i guess not.

17

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 16:25:00 GMT

i got my licence today. this is one of the most exciting things to happen in a while.
the even more exciting part is that my parents are buying me a car (which'll end up being a very belated birthday present). i didn't believe them at first. it'll probably be some crazy old car my dad gets a good deal on, but i can't complain. it'd take me a few more years to save up to buy something decent.

best birthday ever. makes up for last year's crappiness tenfold. <33333
i love everyone.

bye, 2006

Mon, 01 Jan 2007 18:07:35 GMT

here's to an amazing 2007, everyone.
i know i'm going to make the best of it.
my new years resolution: to try harder in school, concentrate on art more and to write more.
we all know nobody ever sticks to these things, but i'm really going to try.

2006 was pretty crazy, when i really think about it. and weird, and interesting. here's hoping 2007 will be even crazier. (in a good way)

ahhhh i'm so excited for my birthday. i really can't wait to get my lisence. and just the fact that my birthday is on a saturday. it'll be fun. well, at least better than last year's. haaa.

get crunk mo' fuckas get crunk

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 19:36:08 GMT

FREEDOM. AT LAST. AFER 5 MONTHS.
in the long run, five months seems like nothing compaired to a year. but christ can five months seem like a year. i'm so happy. i can finally wear cute clothes again and show myself off and be proud.

things have been awesome lately.
i'm bitching that i'm too busy, but i've been getting it all done. i'm not too bad at time management. i'm almost liking the fact that i'm too busy.. it makes me feel less useless in the scheme of things. school shit i've been pretty bad with. oops, procrastination. i should be working on my position paper. i do have two pages done so far... good enough for now.

i feel so run down and shitty, sore throat and congestion. i guess it's the dumb cold everyone's been having. blah. i just need to catch up on some sleep.. winter break. can't wait for that shit.

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 02:46:31 GMT

i did pretty bad on my PSATs. everyone is going to kill me for saying that over and over, but really, i did pretty fuckin' bad. i cannot take standardized testing. and i suck in math. but the test didn't really tell me anything i didn't already know. hah.
it just makes me paranoid i'll do terrible on the real SATs and not get into the colleges that i want.

i lost like 5 pounds and you can really tell. i weigh about 101 right now. :(
i don't really think it's a bad thing, just.. not.. normal. i can fit in extra small tops now, i'm pretty sure i was never able to do that before.
everyone's been giving me candy and chocolate and stuff, and i haven't really been eating any of it. i think it's a scheme to get me to gain weight. i swear even if i ate all of it, i'd probably gain like.. two pounds.

just two thoughts.
this entry is pointless.

FAAAAAAAAILLLLL

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 16:25:01 GMT

so getting my teeth out wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i was mostly afraid of the novacaine, but that wasn't bad at all. the doctor was actually able to get the teeth out fairly easily, since they weren't fully grown in yet. they even gave me them to keep, so now i can gross everyone out with them. hahaha.
after i got home and the novacaine wore off i felt pretty shitty though. i had to have huge wads of gauze in my mouth to stop the bleeding, which took hours and hours. (and i'm pretty sure they're still bleeding right now.) it just made me gag alot. the pain was worse than i thought it would be, i was actually sobbing. peter was there, though, and that made me feel alot better. :) he's so good to me.
i have to go get the stitches out next monday.

i've barely eaten anything since yesterday morning and taking the antibiotics and painkillers on an empty stomach has been making me feel really horrible and nauseated. blahhhhh.

in other news, this weekend was a pretty big fail. ....SIGH.

lol.

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 20:54:14 GMT

oof. i have to get my wisdom teeth out ASAP. :( more surgery... do not want. :( : (
fuuuuuuuck that.

too lazy/cold/tired to form coherent sentences as of right now, but, life's been pretty good. except the fact that i feel like i barely have time to do anything anymore, like see people, or even just sit and waste time, but eh, i feel busy. i complain when i'm not busy but complain when i'm too busy, there's just no happy medium, and i hate that.
it's sooo nice out, too bad i barely have time to enjoy that either. :/

"Guess what i am mrs. heavner! A RUGGED LESBIAN!!!"

Sat, 30 Sep 2006 18:52:15 GMT

i've been saying the dumbest things lately, and just having really really horrible blonde moments. sometimes it makes me feel really socially inept, too. SOCIALLY INEPTTTTT.
i think i should be a blonde. honestly.

i got my first paycheck from the library today! $77 bucks. :( i thought it would at least be 100... but then again i do get paid a dollar less than at petsmart and i guess its because they withheld some of the money. oh well, it's money to buy the coat i want.

i want to buy so many damn CDs. like, around 15 at least. they're so damn expensive, not to mention most of them aren't even worth it.

also, and most importantly, never eat at outback steakhouse.

the end.

Fri, 22 Sep 2006 21:16:53 GMT

things have been really weird, in a good way though. things have been HAPPENING in my life. like it's actually PROGRESSING or something. like i'm kind of changing from slightly akward lauren to more confident and happier lauren. lol, that was gay...

school has been going really decent. not too much work, but just enough work to keep me occupied without causing me to freak out. can't complain about classes really, because i don't really know anyone but i guess i see people enough. i was suprised the other day, i got an application form to fill out to be eligible for the national honors society. i didn't even know my GPA was a 3.5 or higher. i dunno what it is, actually. i'd be somewhat suprised if they accept me in or not, or if i'll be able to maintain the average. hopefully. also, working at the library is good. i already love it so much more than petsmart. the hours are amazing, and the work is easy (yet really tedious). i already know how to do mostly everything, and shelving is really simple. didn't get my paycheck yet, but i'm eagerly awaiting. need money to put into the car fund.
speaking of car, my mom actually is letting me drive more now. although, i'm constantly "TOO CLOSE TO THE CURB!!!!!!!11!1". i'm not that bad, she's just uptight. hahaaa..

I ALSO GOT A HAIRCUT, AND I LOOK DECENT FOR ONCE. the first time my hair has looked good since about... seventh grade. ha. so it's like self-esteem +10000000000. i am never going back to public image and paying 56 bucks for a shitty haircut. i will post pics soon. also going to ruin it by putting purple in it. or enhancing it.

the begining of end

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 21:47:50 GMT

lol, i was just reading old entries i posted here. they're funny. i can't remember alot of that stuff happening. i think i'll write more often, just so i have some stuff to laugh at when i look back on this. i also found my old xanga, and the entries there were funny, too. it was freshman year up until june-ish. around the time i had to get my first surgery. i wish i had written more about that, just so if i have trouble remembering.. but.. then again i really can't forget how horrible that was.

ok kids, first day of school. fun. ...eh, not reeeally.
can't fucking believe it's september, or that i'm a junior. wow. really. wow.
my classes aren't as suck-ass as i thought, but still not amazing. somehow out of everyone i know taking art 2 nobody has it second period. blah. many dumb ass girls in many of my classes, but, that's to be expected. mainly because they make up a good portion of valley. crossing my fingers for teachers who aren't obsessed with giving homework... meh. i can hope.

hope everything was just lovely for everyone else.

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 22:43:29 GMT

ew, the weekend was filled with suck and rain.
i didn't have fun. at all, seriously.
i feel like such a waaaaaaaaaaaste... it was such a waste. :(
oh well, what did i expect, really?

i did see a very good movie though, the illusionist.
go see it.