| ALERT |
[Jul. 12th, 2004|11:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  creative | ] |
Hey guys, I got a new lj: ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) starxfallsxlane.
so add me to your friends, k? Thanks!
<333333333
*killed* |
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| EDIT |
[Jul. 9th, 2004|11:58 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | this song Jim sent me...which is SOOOO awesome... | ] |
Ok, uh...I've replaced the entry that was here with this, lol. I'm 100% better. haha...this is funny to me now. Dag, there's no madness now. I was just fevery and annoyed earlier...mainly because of this guy. But I'm over it, so everyone else should be as well!!!!
xoxoShannonMargaretxoxo |
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| bah-wicka-wickaaaaaaaaaaaaw |
[Jul. 9th, 2004|10:29 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | amused | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Bright Eyes - Bowl Of Oranges | ] |
Aye, I found this and was bored, so I did it!
( let's just keep on touching... )
By the way, I got a new email, xoxoShannonMargaretxoxo@hotmail.com, so add me if ya want!!
xoxoShannonMargaretxoxo |
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| bye bye beautiful, don't bother to write. |
[Jul. 7th, 2004|07:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  energetic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Coheed and Cambria - Favor House Atlantic | ] |
Oh my gaaaaaaaawsh. I love my friends, I really do. I mean, a select few of them have really shown me what love, loyalty, and forgiveness truly are. But as much as I love you guys...some of you are idiots. No offence, I heart you guys...but dag. Anyhow, on to more mundane things...Today was sad. Margaret quit, which really sucks. She got some "better" job...*sigh* She was my favorite manager...and prolly my favorite coworker. It's just gay. I miss her already. Bleh. But life goes on...I went to Little Rock last night, so awesome. I got like 4 shirts, some bracelets, a brand new pair of vans for like 20 bucks, and some frizz-ease junk for my hair to make it super-silky soft. I also got a hammock...eeeee, now I just need to find someone to hang it. Well, I guess I need to go. I have to pick Coop up from work at 8:30, so I'ma go take a lil nap beforehand so I'll be able to stay up late tonight. I'll write something more engaging later.
xoxoShannonMargaretxoxo |
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| can you honestly tell me that no one else could understand all the hurting inside? |
[Jul. 2nd, 2004|09:41 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  peaceful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Kutless - Perspectives | ] |
*sigh* I wish I could describe how I feel right now. It's like a mixture of gratitude, peacefulness, optimism, and joy at finally hearing God "speak" to me for the first time in my life. I've felt his presence, but it's so much different now...even if I had the most beautiful words, and a thousand years I could never truly describe how I feel right now. It's absolutely beautiful. God truly does take care of me. I know what I'm supposed to do now. The weeks of prayer have helped him reveal my purpose right now. I see it, and I accept it. I see what all of this pain in the past few months has been for. Sometimes you have to experience something to be able to help someone else who's experienced it, and sometimes to carry out God's plan, one must suffer somewhat in the process. I mean, I needed the "tools" to carry out his work, and through this all he's given them to me. I just didn't quite get it until now. Darlings, just trust me on this one. I know what I'm doing, and so does God. Now let's all just pray that he helps me find the right words...
Yesterday, you really couldn't see, by changing your angle a new world would be revealed to your once-blinded eyes by moving a few degrees.
xoxo
ShannonMargaret |
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| this will be the farewell I could never speak... |
[Jul. 2nd, 2004|01:04 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jets To Brazil - Starry Configurations | ] |
Y'know, just when things get better...God throws me something I never ever saw coming. Bleh, I feel so bad now. I'm not depressed yet, I'm not anything. I just want to sit down and cry, which is what I'm doing now...so at least I get one thing I want. I've become the fallback. I am a fallback friend. I guess that hurts more now because...well, it's been awhile since I've been that. I grew quite accustomed to being the "#1 gal" and being treated as such...and now I'm just a fallback friend. Not to the aforementioned friend, but to someone different.
Cooper: that's all I am to him. I'll always live in your shadow in his eyes. Everything I say and do will make him wish you had said or done it. Your words will always mean a thousand times more than mine. But I'll deal with that...I'll just keep from getting attached or something. I mean, I wish we could be best friends or whatever. But it won't happen. I'll never be as good as you are in his eyes. But I promise I'll do my best, although I don't see why. Within a few weeks he'll miss you too much, give in, and you two will be best friends again. And while you may still want me around...I don't know if he will. It sounds terrible...but you have a place I could never even get close to. He'll have your friendship, and I'll be forgotten. I mean, he might want me around...but I won't be needed anymore. I wish I would be proven wrong, I wish I could be there for him like he was for me. I wish I could give that support back. I wish I could mean half as much to him as he means to me. I value his friendship so much, and yet...I fear that I'm expendable. Just someone to keep him company until he can be around you again. That's why I hate this I guess. I tried to keep out of it...but I failed at that. I just wanted to be there for you both. But I understand that you just want what's best for him. So I'll be there for him, try my best to keep him from going under like I did. And when things shift and I go back into my place in the wings to wait for my next cue to be the "fallback friend" I'll deal with it. You just worry about you, and let God take care of me. Maybe I can have an action figure made..."Fallback Girl, now with super 'only necessary when the one you really want isn't around' action" *I'm number 1!* |
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| youwon't not be not loving your timeshare before you know it!! |
[Jun. 30th, 2004|12:50 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dashboard Confessional - Vindicated | ] |
Gah, this song has been in my head allll day. Eeeeeee, I can't wait to go see spider-man 2 thursday. Anyhow, not much is new. Shaun and Nate are off to C-stone tomorrow. I can't go...stupid job. bleh. Shaun and I are discussing catholic doctrine and such. Quite interesting. It's nice to have an actual conversation with someone. I can't think of any news, I'm still thrilled with life. *shrugs* Huzzah! Here's something to pass your time....
( lost in a sea of faces... )
Well, about catholicness. It is pretty wrong sometimes, the catholic church mainly seems to operate in an almost commercial way I guess. I found this interesting...Shaun brought up praying the rosary..."And when you pray, do not use vain repetitions as the heathen do. For they think that they will be heard for their many words." (Matt 6:7) Hmm, I don't know. The lines tend to be blurry...I mean, I don't think any church has it EXACT. I mean, there's a flaw in everything somewhere...I prefer to form my own opinions. Although I can't say I love liturgical services too much. I envy that fire that other services possess. I think I'll begin branching out a little myself... |
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| the first day of my second life |
[Jun. 27th, 2004|11:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | IFeelSoFine, IFeelSoElated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | children of sanchez | ] |
AH! I love life and every part of it. I awoke this morning to God's presence. I'm back! For the first time in what feels like forever He's truly a part of everything I do. I feel...just joyful today. I now truly see His purpose for these events. Had things not happened this way my life could be drastically different. Some people could even be out of my life altogether. I am so grateful for all of this. I love life and all that comes with it. I have a new outlook on life, renewed friendships, and an AWESOME new keychain. It's a dorito bag that we put in a microwave for a few seconds...it's a tiny replica and you can even read the tiny print. It shrank in scale! Oh, so cool! I'll post a pic tomorrow when I have time! I'm off to bed. But, before I go. I've reaaranged my love priorities and decided that until someone who fits this comes along I won't be compromising.
1: Literate/well-read. An appreciation of literature is a must for me.
2: Appreciative of Art. Music and art are big parts of my life, I want someone who shares that passion.
3: Intelligent. I hate defining words mid-conversation. Using big words in a non-pretentious way is soooooo hot.
4: Ambitious. I want someone with goals in life.
Anyone fit this? Apply, lol. I'm fine without love. Who needs a boyfriend anyhow? I have the greatest friends in the world, and I have God's love! Nothing can bring me down from this.
<33333333333333333 |
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| you're a touch overrated. |
[Jun. 26th, 2004|12:55 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  satisfied | ] |
| [ | music |
| | trading spaces theme from the tv | ] |
All I can say is this: Boys like you are a dime a dozen. I'm soooooooooo over this. |
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| it's ok to be angry and never let go... |
[Jun. 25th, 2004|08:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | creative | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Yellowcard - Empty Apartment | ] |
Bleh. I am so worn out. An entire week of not eating much or sleeping enough has taken it's toll. I'm beginning to get better though. I got a lil "pep talk" from some friends the other night and it seemingly helped. I mean, they're right...no guy is worth destroying myself over. Which was exactly what I was doing. I mean, I love him, but there's nothing I can do. He has his mind made up about me, and he wants nothing to do with me now. But it's alright. It made me a little mad that he wasn't mature enough to tell me himself and just be honest with me...but it wasn't unexpected. *shrugs* I'm trying to move on now. I mean, if he doesn't care about me enough to just put me out of my misery and be nice about it then fine. Moving on...I'm trying to find a super nes...oooooh, I <3 nintendo, lol. I'm getting ready to paint my room too...I think every wall will be a different bright color. I'm not sure yet...I need to finish my table I'm painting. It's metallic silver w/lyrics written all over it in black. Beautiful.
xoxo
ShannonMargaret |
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| good times... |
[Jun. 24th, 2004|12:26 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | bouncy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Tenacious D - Fuck Her Gently | ] |
Jeeze-Louise...I took this pic:
and sent it to Amanda...and told her it was my vagina. Lmao. Yeah, it's actually Shaun's bellybutton, hehe. She really believes me...damn, lol. Oh, I also sent this one of Alix's finger and said it was Shaun's penis... She totally bought it too. That is the funniest thing EVER.
Yeah, I'll post a real entry later yo.
<3 |
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| words are flowing out like endless rain into a paper cup... |
[Jun. 22nd, 2004|11:17 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  rejected | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Fiona Apple - Across The Universe | ] |
well, my question of the day: is it better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all? My answer: NO. I have never felt this bad in my entire life...It's been almost a week, and I don't want to eat or sleep at all. It all runs through my head constantly. Memories...and so many. He was different from the others, I can spend time w/guys and not remember anything about it...but with him...everytime we saw each other I came away with a memory. A conversation, a look, a touch...something. I remember the first time he said he loved me, I got mad. But only because I had been planning on saying it that day as well, but he beat me to it. What we had was so gorgeous. We used to take naps on my couch together, lol. And it was so cheesy, so unlike me to want something like that. But I didn't care, waking up in his arms just killed me. I was so happy. He watched me sleep, he told me I was beautiful in my hospital gown and my unwashed hair, he knows that place below my neck that's my favorite to be touched. He knows things about me that I can't imagine ever telling anyone else. He loves, or should I say loved, my imperfections as much as my attributes. He was my first love, and I guess he still is. We spent Christmas Eve together, he met my family and church family, we looked at x-mas lights together, and then he fell asleep on my couch watching tv, and I knew he was asleep when his breathing changed. At the time I was on the computer next to the couch, and I remember it all so clearly (as I do everything between us...I got offline and curled up next to him on the couch and was happier than I've ever been in my entire life. I could always tell when he fell asleep...and I know that he can only sleep with his mouth open, he knows that I can only sleep with mine closed. He knows why I love sand, and he understands. He can look at me and tell how I feel about anything. He can make anything better, just with a look, an embrace. We used to bake together. We had our own chair, blanket, we decorated a christmas tree...people used to think we were married, and they tried to sell us a matress. He liked to shop with me...he was perfect. He turned off his foglights at my request, went on road trips with my mom, grew a beard, lol. Surprised me at work, at school with a rose once...took me everywhere, and held my hand in the car always. I loved him from the beginnning, there was never any question in my mind as to how I felt for him. Then things came along and distorted my vision, I had wanted someone else for so long that I didn't realize I had moved on until it was almost too late. I was with him again, then my mother went crazy on me and forced us to split up...now she says she was wrong, and it's too late. I don't remember ever being as happy as I was when we were together. When he would be on his way over here I'd be so excited I want to just run out into the yard to greet him and shower him with kisses and I love you's, but I restrained myself so I wouldn't look too crazy...now I wonder if just letting my feelings take over would have proved more beneficial. I've never been as happy as I was when we were together, and yet, nothing in my life has ever produced this much pain. I don't know how to give up...how to erase how I feel. It seems to me like giving up on him without a fight would be the worst betrayal to him I could ever bestow. He fought so hard for me...shouldn't I do so for him? He kept trying even when I said I was over him, shouldn't I do the same? I just wish I could talk to him once, I'd know whether I had a chance or not...but I think he knows that, so he keeps me away like a sickness. I still don't want to date other guys. When anyone else touches me I feel like I'm cheating on him...I can't stand it. I know we're not together and I'm free to date other people, but I don't want to. He's the one I want, and I don't want to settle. I won't. I called him peaches, he called me shannybear...it was the cheesiest thing I'd ever heard and I loved it. We once drove 30 minutes down a dark road just to see a restaurant we knew would be closed. He stopped his car when I wanted reflectors, and then HE got out and got them because I was cold. He went swimming with me in April, just to make me happy. He helped lay the floor in our kitchen. he put up with my mom, even though she annoyed him. When I didn't have my car he drove me home from basketball games. I still sleep with a stuffed animal he gave me. Our first kiss made me forget every one before it. Beautiful. He made me feel like the only girl in the world. he shared my love of mexican food. He shared my love of God, and my love of life and excitement. He endured my phase of renting bad scary movies, even though he hated them. He put up with my friends that drive him crazy. We went grocery shopping together. I was ready to marry him, but I knew...I knew that if I did I would never leave. There would be no college, no career. Just us together forever, and it would be enough for me. But I wanted him to do something greater, he's brilliant sometimes. He has so much potential, and so much faith in God. I wanted to be that faithful so badly. I wanted to make him happy, just seeing him smile made me feel useful in life. It made all of the pain in my past seem worthwhile, just to get to him. There are no tears left, all I have as I write this is emptiness. He felt this way once, and time apart erased it. I want him to know all of this, but he doesn't care, he doesn't want to know. He's moved on, and I'm left behind. I'm sick of hearing that time heals all wounds, or that I don't need him. I hate when people tell me to get over it, or move on. How can I move on from this? I don't want anyone else, no one will ever compare...I remember every look, word, touch, kiss...I have it all, and while he's forgotten...I relive it every day and night. It's all I have left of what we had...it's all I have left of him. I hate myself for causing all of this pain. I deserve it. I just keep telling myself that he hates me and that is starting to smother all hope I had when I embarked on my quest to rewin his love. It was too late, I've once again failed myself and him. I didn't fight hard enough...and I'm sorry. More than ever, with every part of me. I want to give this over to God, and let it go. But I can't...I can't let him go. I feel like we're meant for each other...and I don't want to give up. But how can you fight for something that isn't shared, someone that doesn't even consider you a part of their life...just a mistake and a batch of bad memories...I'll just keep praying and hoping, and I know God will show us the path we're meant to follow. |
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| take me down with you. |
[Jun. 22nd, 2004|09:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  living in his letters | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Beatles - Yesterday | ] |
Well, today was decent. I had some food. *yay* I'm still really lackluster however, I'm not really sad as much as I feel really weird about everything. Like I have on some kind of glasses on. Things just look different, they effect me differently. I just feel so heavy. Just moving, talking, laughing, smiling...it all seems to take effort now. Bleh. I guess it's official. It's over. Jeeze, I hate even saying it. Like I'm jinxing myself...but I know I'm not. What's done is done, and I'm sure somehow I'll start feeling better. I've just never been one for time-consuming endeavors. I guess I'll have to learn to be. The upside to this is that I've been writing a lot and actually working on playing my guitar. It doesn't make up for the downside though. I miss him...I miss him like a child with a plastic bag on it's head misses air. Every memory is like a shovelful of dirt in my grave at this point. Ooooh, I don't want to do this. I don't want to give up, move on, or forget. Gah, I give up. Are you there God? It's me, Margaret...
By the way, here's my warning label.
Shann
Look out for the | m
HOLE |
From Go-Quiz.com |
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| you don't love me, aren't thinking of me... |
[Jun. 22nd, 2004|02:13 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  drained | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Jets To Brazil - Starry Configurations | ] |
Finished from last night:
someone asked me today how I've lived through all of this (the suicide thing, losing him, etc.) and all I could say was this: "I don't know...I had this tiny hope that we would still end up together....and now that hope is gone, and the real question is how do I live now?" the thing is, I really don't know, I mean...living is easy, but enjoying it is the hard part. He really is through with me...he really said it to someone. and of course, it came back to me...as always. Then I was talking to someone else about her guy problems and she said "i feel like its all my fault cuz i couldnt be what he wanted" and it hit me...I used to think it was like that. But it wasn't...I was what he wanted. I WASNT what I thought he deserved. So there was my downfall, it always is. And now all I can think of is a verse a friend of mine wrote once "so I'll set my gift, my love, and myself in a grave twice as deep as any other to hide my misery from everyone" I feel like doing that....just hiding away and never showing how this feels. But I can't, it's too much...remember what happened to me the last time I felt this way and just ignored it? *shivers* no much good. So here's my plan.
Step 1: admit defeat, I waited too long. He doesn't love me anymore and I can't change that.
Step 2: stop hating myself for all of this, just accept it all
Step 3: place my love and faith in God, the only one who won't fail me in life.
Step 4: get over him (how do I accomplish this one??)
Step 5: move on, and love again.
Step 6: repeat for the rest of my life.
Bleh, I feel slightly better today. I was actually hungry for the first time in like 3 or 4 days, I had some fruit snacks and mexican food and I barely held it down...but it's a start. Someone actually asked me if I'd been working out or something because I looked thinner. Nope, it's just the too late for love diet. Maybe I could sell that...hmm, an interesting thought...money doesn't buy happiness, but it can buy kidnappings and brainwashings. *sigh* back to step one...
OH, I almost forgot, Jim(♥) gave me an awesome idea: spray paint your shoes. So I did...and I am quite pleased. What do you think? Keep in mind the actual colors are shamrock green and bright bubblegum pink. http://public.fotki.com/ShannonMargaret/trigger/shoooooooooo.html
Oh, also. Here's this thing I filled out ya'll.
( like endless rain into a paper cup ) |
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| the word is love, the word is loss |
[Jun. 20th, 2004|12:45 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Thursday - Cross Out The Eyes | ] |
I've woken up this morning to my greatest fear realized. He's not coming back to me...ever. I waited too long to tell him how much I loved him, and how I felt about our future. He's moved on, and I'm left in a grave I've dug for myself. I keep asking "what if I had just had the courage to tell him all of this sooner?"...and I can't answer that. It rips me apart...I never told him how much I needed him, and how I believed with every part of me that he was right, God did want us to be together. But I was too afraid. I've never expressed myself well. I never told him those days in the hospital made me realize that I could spend my life with him and never want anything else. I didn't want to die anymore, because I had someone to live for. That just seeing him made things right again. He made me feel as if all of the pain I've been through was worth it just to get to what we shared...and now he's gone from my life. All because of my inability to stop running. He told me, and I didn't listen. I always thought my system for dealing with things was fine for me, repressing it all and jumping to something new. And now I see that I was wrong, more wrong than I've ever been in my entire life. And I can't change it, I can't make him love me again...and I don't know how to deal with that. It's like my life has become a nightmare...almost like one day I'll wake up and see that it was all in my mind. But I can't even hope for that, because this grave I've dug for myself is my reality now. And his reality is somewhere else, where he's safe from my screw-ups and inadequacies. I was so afraid...terrified of being vulnerable and letting someone into my life and my heart. And that fear has gotten me nothing but loneliness and pain. I didn't keep myself from being hurt, I ripped my own heart out. So now I have to give up, and stop saying things that will only end up hurting him and making him doubt his decision. But I don't know how to do that...how can I? I'm faced with the harsh reality that I'll never talk to him again, never see him, never feel his arms around me...never wake to see him watching me sleep...anything. All of those things I took for granted because I told myself that I had to let things happen, and that when the time was right for us it would all fall into place. But now I see that when you truly love something you have to fight for it and make it happen no matter what...and he was willing to fight, and I was too afraid. I don't ever want to forgive myself...I just want to fall asleep and never wake up to this empty existence I've carved out for myself...but all I have left is God, and the hope that his love is enough to keep me alive. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for what I've done, I want to...but I can't. I hurt him and myself. I let him be hurt to preserve myself because of my fear and inability to truly say how deep my love is. I tried to save myself, and only ended up hurting him and destroying myself. I'm so tired now...I can't sleep, everytime I eat I just get sick, so why bother? I've fallen, and he isn't here to save me this time. I was fine...I had my faith, I was getting so much better. And then my mother admitted she was wrong, we should have been allowed to be together. And the instant she said that my whole life was different again. it was like a light came on, all these weeks I've told myself that my feelings didn't matter because there was no alternative...and then there was, and it was too late. I never thought my time would run out, I took love for granted and have nothing but pain to show for it. I had started to think about him less often, it was still every day...but it was less painful. And now it's all back, I let myself feel it all again, and this time I can't stop it...I can't make myself stop feeling these things again...so I'll go on in this nightmare, I've failed myself. All I have left to live for is God, and I have to hope that he'll be enough...because everything else in my life is lost. "I will remember to remember to forget that you forgot me" |
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| you are the blood in my veins... |
[Jun. 19th, 2004|12:22 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | distressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Maroon 5 - The Sun | ] |
bleh. I've never been the pursuer so to speak...where's the line between "stalking" and "working to rewin the one you love"? Ohhhh, such a blurry line.
I'm so sad and bored that I started taking pics...
( I love you darling... )</3 |
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| pucker up for heaven's sake... |
[Jun. 12th, 2004|12:31 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | restless | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Placebo - Every Me, Every You | ] |
well...one of my fish died...*sad* but on the bright side...I am just too cute sometimes, don't you agree? eeee, I like the effect too. *sarcastically* enhances the cuteness, eh?
I can't decide whether to keep this or my xanga... |
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