swallowed up in the sound of my screaming

__emerge @ 2005-05-30T16:18:00

2005-05-30T21:18:58Z

I'm alive. I just don't know how long it will be for me to write a real entry.. =\

testing

2004-12-30T22:12:15Z

__emerge @ 2004-09-04T11:35:00

2004-09-04T16:45:14Z

I went swimming yesterday after the football game with Jessica and Laura. Yes, in SEPTEMBER. Lol, it's technically still summer. The water was pretty nice but it got kind of cold after awhile. I was happy because I didn't go swimming in like a month.

I'm so happy we have a 3 day weekend. I'm already dreading school. BLAAAH. And there's like what.. 17O something days left? How fucking wonderful. I'm doing pretty good grade wise right now but school has only begun so who knows.

I'm excited for tonight.. I just hope everything works out and I'm able to get out of the house. Oh how perfect it would be..

You don't know how bad I need a fucking job.. but there are like none available right now and there is no way in hell I'm working at a fast food place. Ick.

I think going Russia did a lot of good for me. I think I FINALLY have normal eating habits. I lost weight while I was there and everyone is telling me how thin I look so that makes me happy. I ate normally and I just did a lot of walking so that's how I lost weight. Now I eat normally and don't starve myself to like one meal a day. I also binge like crazy like I did before. I still want to lose alittle more weight but I'm not obsessing about it. If I lose it I want to lose it slowly.

Later babes <3

__emerge @ 2004-08-27T23:06:00

2004-08-28T04:08:50Z

you think something will last forever and you want it to end but when it does you wish you could do it all over again because it went by too fast

__emerge @ 2004-08-20T13:11:00

2004-08-20T18:18:19Z

I never write in this thing anymore. Livejournal is getting pretty boring these days.. I just mostly go on here to read friends' entries. Hum de dum.

__emerge @ 2004-08-13T08:03:00

2004-08-13T13:22:57Z

well i'm back. yes, from russia. i actually got back on august 1O at like 9:3O p.m. i've just been to lazy to write. lots of shit happened this summer as you would have imagined and i really don't feel like writing it all down.

when i got to the moscow airport airport i got lost because my grandparents missed me. i was standing there for like 2O minutes freaking out crying. then some guy came and helped page my grandparents. i met tons of guy. no hookups though =\ i got drunk.. for my first time haha. i went to the beach and got a really dark suntan. i lost weight!

when i first got to russia i didn't want anything more than to just go home. i missed everything here. but then when it was nearing the end i didn't want to leave because i was so used to it. i'm still a bit sad. it seems like it's been a long time since i've been there but yet it feels like just yesterday. i learned a lot of russian and plan on keeping at it. i met another girl named katya, haha isn't that cool? we're going to write and e-mail to eachother.

there's so much more to write about but it's way too much. that's just the basics. somehow russia made me somewhat of a happier person and taught me better eating habits.

oh and remember bryan? well i hate his guts and hope he dies. i am finally done wasting my time on him when he treats me like shit. i was an idiot for wasting my time on him for so long. i found out he hung out with jessica this summer. i mean i know she'd never hook up with him or anything and that they would be just friends but it still makes me alittle upset. she asked him why he didn't want to go out with me the first time he met me. he said that right before he was going to come to meet me he met this other girl and had to choose between her and me. he said that my first picture that i sent him was cute and the second wasn't so cute. so he decided to come and meet and there would be a 50/50 chance. and he said when he saw me he didn't think i was that attractive. that kind of me feel bad when i first heard that because all my insecurities came back but now i'm starting not to care. a lot of guys hit on me in russia and that boosted up my confidence a lot but this little thing just made it go down again. i am threw wasting my time.

__emerge @ 2004-06-12T15:34:00

2004-06-12T20:39:02Z

i'm leaving for russia tomorrow so don't expect any posts from me in like 2 months. so sad.

interesting...

2004-06-12T20:35:11Z

this is very interesting.

__emerge @ 2004-06-07T16:19:00

2004-06-07T21:25:32Z

i am so fucking aggravated beyond belief right now. there is just so much confusion running through my head. me and bryan were like having an arguement last night.. and yeah i don't know what to do with this situation.

i leave in fucking 6 days for russia. it's too soon. i need to clear my head. i am going to go insane.

fUCK.

__emerge @ 2004-06-05T09:57:00

2004-06-05T15:06:14Z

yesterday was my b-day. it was alright. i ate A LOT. haha it's my b-day so i can eat if i want to.

justine stayed at my house till like 1O last night. after she left guess who called? BRYAN. i swear he always calls when i never expect it. he asked me if i could go out then and i said i probably couldnt't. gRR. i'm kind of starting to feel better about the whole situation though. i mean i don't feel so worthless anymore. my friends are going to yell at me like crazy if i tell him i might do something with him sunday because they think he's the biggest jerk. it's my life so whatever. i just need to get some stuff figured out. i just kind of want to have a talk with him in person because he's a guy and it's difficult to get him to listen on the phone. so much drama in my life now. much better than 6 months ago though..

i'm going shopping in alittle bit.. then i might be hanging out with jessica and colin and we might go to the beach. then i have a partay to go to! busy day. i should have fun.

later.

__emerge @ 2004-06-02T15:30:00

2004-06-02T20:40:18Z

i have so much to write about and i know i should get it out.. but i just haven't been in the mood. i don't want to write a long entry right now. i've just been so upset lately.

mostly over him. why did i ever start talking to him again? i'm so stupid. i'm feeling the hurt all over again. it's been a fucking year.

i have fucking finals this week and i don't even think i'll be studying for them. i get out monday anyway.

__emerge @ 2004-06-01T16:08:00

2004-06-01T21:13:14Z

this hurts SO much. i will never be good enough for him or anyone. just kill me now please.

__emerge @ 2004-05-25T18:49:00

2004-05-25T23:53:04Z

i am feeling so sad. it sucks. these past couple of months i have been feeling pretty happy for the most part. i've felt much better than i have this past winter because i actually go out and have a life again. i still get really depressed sometimes though and i just don't know what to do about it.

i sware i'm like bi-polar or something.. in the beginning of school today i was feeling and i was laughing and smiling like usual. but towards the end of the day i started feeling so depressed. in health class we were in the library and i actually hid under one of the computer desks because i was feeling so sad. i actually started crying alittle bit and i didn't want anyone to see. mind you, i NEVER cry in school. jessica came to my locker after school and asked me what was wrong because she knew something was bothering me. i just couldn't tell her. i'm not good at expressing my feelings when i'm sad. it's just how i am. i feel too ashamed and embarrased. my sadness if a mix of a few different things. school, guy situation, friends, etc. i really don't feel like going into depth with it though right now. sometimes i start crying and i'm not even sure why.. just like how i start laughing for no reason. am i fucked up or what?

i am doing so unbelievably horrible in school right now. i don't know my grades right now and i don't even want to know.. all i know is that they're terrible. probably the worst i've EVER done. part of me doesn't care but part of me does. i'm going to have to take geometry over next year which is going to suck. i also want to take algebra 2. two math classes is going to suck. i did it to myself though. i suck so much. i'm not going to get into college.. blah =\ what the hell am i going to do? how could i fuck up this bad? i don't even know what my mom will say.

i feel like everyone hates me again. sometimes people will just ignore me and it makes me feel like shit. i hate feeling left out. my birthday is next friday (june 4) and i don't even want it to come. i'm glad i'm finally turning 16 but no one cares about my birthday or me for that matter.

i talked to bryan last thursday. we were supposed to get together friday but he never called.. when we talked he said he liked being single and didn't really want to be in a relationship. so i guess we're friends with benefits now. i'm kind of disappointed but yet okay with it at the same time. i'm kind of in it to get ass too even though i really do like him. i'm just wondering if he's attracted to me physically at all.. as if he thinks i'm hot or not. he would have to be atleast somewhat attracted to me to keep hooking up with me right? even though he doesn't want a relationship with me he still might be attracted to me physically? i don't want to just flat out ask him, ya know? i'm just feeling very insecure again.

i really need someone to talk to. someone who will understand. i just can't express my emotions that well with people.

kill me.

__emerge @ 2004-05-19T19:19:00

2004-05-20T00:27:56Z

i had to stay after school for a whole fucking hour. it made me so pissed. if i have to stay after that long for school it automatically puts me in a bad mood for the rest of the day. i called my mom alittle bit before 4 to come pick me up because i didn't feel like walking home. we stopped at walgreens and got me eyeliner, hair dye, and a magazine. she was trying to teach me russian words. haha.

no one hates school more than i do. i am so ready to snap. thank god we only have 2 more weeks left. i don't even care if i do horrible on my report card anymore because school i just dumb. i just wanted to scream today because i've had it with school.

bryan IMed me last night and talked for about an hour. it made me feel alittle better. he said he needs to come get me soon so i'm excited about that. i just don't think i'll be able to say no when i'm with him. i like him too much and he has so much power over me.

i IMed colin last night also. i hadn't talked to him in a long ass time. he told me that we should get together sometime and catch up. that should be fun.

later babes.

__emerge @ 2004-05-18T18:42:00

2004-05-18T23:55:00Z

i've been too lazy lately to write entries. i attempted to write a long entry yesterday but ofcourse i got a waol. it pissed me off so much that i didn't bother writing it again.

i've been kind of sad these past couple of days. i know some of the things that are making me upset but sometimes i just don't know why i'm so sad. weird right? i almost started crying in school today. i refuse to cry in front of people.

i haven't seen bryan in like 2 week. i miss him so much. i've talked to him on-line and stuff but it just kind of seems like he's not interested anymore. the other day he told me he wanted to hang out with me but he had work and i was out walking all day. why do i like him so much? i just don't understand it. i wish i could read minds so i could just know exactly how he feels about me. i think that out of all the guys that i have ever liked in my life, which is a lot, he is the one i've liked the most by far. i'm not in love with him but i do like hm A LOT and have intense feelings for him. i actually thought that when i started talking to him that i would just be friends with him and hook up with him for fun. no attachment. riiiight. look how that worked out.

school is really stressing me out. that is part of the reason i have been so upset. i missed just one day because i went to six flags for yearbook. i had 4 tests to make up! and a shit load of work. i know my report card is going to be terrible but part of me doesn't even care anymore. school is stupid.

i'm kind of sad about leaving for russia. i'm excited about going but i'm going to be gone for 7 weeks and that's just too damn long. i'm going to be homesick.

i don't know what to do..

__emerge @ 2004-05-10T22:46:00

2004-05-11T03:53:01Z

i am falling for him so hard. i don't know why i like him so much. i just have such intense feelings for him. i just really want to know if he has the same feelings for me. i get so sad if i go a day without talking to him. i'm considering on having sex with him but i'm thinking it through carefully. we'll definitely have to have a talk before it happens, or if it happens.

__emerge @ 2004-05-06T15:44:00

2004-05-06T20:53:56Z

ah fuck i think i'm getting attached.

i saw bryan again last night. he brought the van this time and we went behind the same building we did last time. hehe. i just think i'm getting way too attached already. i don't really know what we are really. i guess we're kind of friend with benefits but i'm not sure. i just get this goofy smile on my face when i wake up now. i also get kind of sad if i don't get to talk to him that day. i think he's working today, friday, and saturday so i'm not sure when i'll get to see him.

i wore 3 skirts this week. if i had like a lot of skirts i would seriously wear on every day. i hate pants.

it's sooo hot today. i think it might rain though. =(

__emerge @ 2004-05-04T16:44:00

2004-05-04T21:56:56Z

i left a very brief entry last time. haha. YES I DID HOOK UP WITH BRYAN. lol. it was quite fun but man i'm sore. i don't regret it at all. i'm just having my fun, yo. he got bigger muscle wise and he's got alittle beard going on. sexy. he seemed more interested this time somehow. i dunno. i hope so. we did it in his car behind some building. lmao. i haven't talked to him since last night. he said he'd call me so we'll see. i'm trying my hardest not to get attached. i feel myself falling for him though ;x

i went to see my therapist yesterday before i saw bryan. that was the first time i went in a month so i had a lot to say. i told him i laugh for no reason and actually started cracking up for a few minutes. lol he probably thinks i'm looney. we also talked about bryan and how i started talking to him and didn't get to see him yet.. and then when i got home he called me and we hung out. i hadn't got any in a long ass time so it felt good.

i actually had a few mini dreams about him last night but i don't really remember him. when i woke up i had this smile on my face remembering the nigh before. i've been daydreaming about it all day in school today. haha i'm a dork. the only person i told is jessica and she asked why i did it and she seemed like she didn't think it was right or whatever.

i've been feeling a lot more confident lately for some reason. i laugh a lot so everyone thinks i'm a really happy person. i still have a few things to work out.

like school. i'm doing pretty bad and midterms are tomorrow ;x i have tests in bio and geometry tomorrow. i don't know what the hell i'm doing in geometry and i already have an F so i don't know what to do. school is screwing me in the ass.

__emerge @ 2004-05-03T21:30:00

2004-05-04T02:34:30Z

i finally got to see bryan today. 'twas fun ;) hehehe.

__emerge @ 2004-04-29T20:57:00

2004-04-30T02:06:50Z

i was walking to school today and my foot started bleeding. lovely. i already had a cut on it and i guess my flip flops pressed up against it. there was blood all over. when i got to school i went to the bathroom and tried to clean it off a bit. then when i got to 1st hour everyone looked at my feet and were all like 'OMG what happened to your feet!' i didn't think it was that bad. lol. i didn't even want to go the nurse but my teacher forced me. i never went to the nurse before. i'm not really supposed to wear flip flops for awhile but i don't care. lol it's all i wear. I'M STUBBORN I KNOW. don't remind me..

so yeah today wasn't all that great. besides the foot thing, i was on my period and really tired from the night before. i did look cute though with my skirt on. lol.

I HATE GIRLS. most of them are as bitchy as hell. girls are so fucking so stupid and i wish i could just give them a good slap in the face.

i joined face the jury. hehe that site is fun. a lot of guys have IMed me and some of them are pretty damn cute.

i can't fucking take school anymore. i might as well not go. i don't pay attention like at all. i'll just go to class and stare at the wall.

UGH people are stuuuupid.

__emerge @ 2004-04-24T15:12:00

2004-04-24T20:21:39Z

there is like nothing to do today. it sucks. it's so fucking cold out too. i really don't know where me and bryan stand right now. i talked to him today and he wasn't really talking much at all and it just didn't seem like he was interested. he seemed the same way on wednesday when i IMed him after we couldn't hang out. he'll just put his away message at the middle of our conversation so whatever. i'm not going to try to IM him anymore.. if he really wants to talk to me he'll IM me himself. maybe i should try to act like him so he'll see how it feels.

i hate guys. gRR. i hate playing games.

last night at like 12:15 mike (a guy i started talking to on-line about a month ago) called my cell phone. i was like alseep kind of but i still heard the phone. it wasn't even ringing.. it was just vibrating. he was telling me how him and his friends drank a whole kegger and they were really drunk. lol. he seemed really out of it when he called. we only talked for like 1O minutes because he said he was going to pass out. then he was like 'i love you bye' um whatever lol.

god i really need someone to talk to.. i'm feeling kind of blue today. =\

__emerge @ 2004-04-21T22:06:00

2004-04-22T03:11:15Z

bryan was supposed to come over today but he got lost on his way over here and he was running out of gas and didn't have any money on him. i was kind of upset.

what the hell is wrong with me? i actually started crying tonight because i didn't get to see and i don't know when we will. i am getting so attached.. god i hate this.

this makes me so happy, yet so depressed at the same time.

</3

__emerge @ 2004-04-20T21:59:00

2004-04-21T03:07:07Z

oh god. i really think i'm falling for him again. i talked to him on the phone the other night for like an hour and a half and it was so great. maybe i'm being naive and i shouldn't be getting involved with him. please don't go tellng me to stay away from him because this is my choice. i think some of my friends are hinting at me to not start liking him again.

i said to myself that i wouldn't get too attached and whatever happens, happens. i just don't even understand why i like him so much. i ALWAYS go for the bad guys.. like a lot of other girls. maybe he changed. i don't know. i'm just so anxiousto see him.

i feel myslef getting upset if i go a day without talking to him. i dreamed like every day in the summer that he would come back to me.

i guess i'll just have to wait and see what happens. i think i'll be okay.

__emerge @ 2004-04-17T09:27:00

2004-04-17T14:43:12Z

i didn't sleep AT ALL las night. i can't seem to sleep anymore. it was thundering last night and it was fucking scary. it was like almost 4 a.m. and i went to go unplug the computer because it was thundering and i didn't want things to get messed up. my parents heard me and they yelled at me to shut up and go to bed. my mom thought i was on the computer and was yelling at me to turn it off. i yelled back that i did turn it off. then my psycho step-dad ran upstairs and barged into my room and yelled at me. he said i sad a smart mouth and couldn't use the computer until he said to. he slammed my door so hard against my table that there's a fucking chip in the door. i was so scared when he came in my room.

i was crying for a couple hours because he just pissed off so much and i can't stand him anymore. he's just so fucking mean. i finally got out of bed at like 5 and watched some tv for a couple of hours. then i went downstairs at 7 to make some coffee and my mom asked me about last night. i explained to her that the reason she heard noise was because i realized the computer wasn't unplugged and i went to unplug it. she apologized. she said that we would all have a talk with my step-dad when he came home. i don't want to talk to him. i don't want to look at him. me and justine are supposed go jogging today and i hope to stay there for as long as i can.

it's been soo nice out though. warm weather is finally here. it puts me in a good mood.

i went out with jessica yesterday and these 8 year olds were hitting on us at the park. lol i think it was past their bedtime.

i started talking to bryan again a few days ago. first i went on jessica's s/n and pretended to be her. then he IMed me and we started talking. i don't really know where we stand. maybe i'm being naive but i don't care. i atleast want to see him again. he told me that he regretted telling me that we should just be friends. he said we didn't talk long enough and he wasn't sure and it was his fault he waited so long to start talkin to me again. i don't if i should believe him. maybe i'll hang out soon and i'll figure things out then. god he makes me so giddy yet so miserable at the same time.

i think i'm addicted to coffee.

__emerge @ 2004-04-17T09:27:00

2004-04-17T14:42:51Z