Somnambulation up and down the road

the end

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 11:35:28 GMT

This is over. You might find me somewhere else with a new skin.

Just hold your breath on your way down

Thu, 15 Jan 2004 18:51:11 GMT

"I hear you weep so far from here
I taste your tears like you're next to me"

i'm slowly falling into oblivion, slowly consuming my torn heart, carefully avoiding touch with reality.
I miss his warm skin and his sugar kisses. I miss feeling alive, i miss believing i am more than just flesh and bones, i miss meaning something to myself.

I'm not ready to come back yet. This journal, like everything else in my life, has been swallowed up by this insatiable void.

Merry Christmas

Mon, 22 Dec 2003 18:09:16 GMT

Once again i've disappeared. I'm sorry. I love you all. I'll be back some day soon. As soon as i find my muse again. As soon as i find myself again. The nights are too long and the days too bright...blinding. No time for daydreaming, too much time for worrying and getting paranoid about the future, about disappointing the ones who love me.

Clipped are the wings of the fairies who run...am i running or simply hiding? Sometimes everything spins around me so fast that i just want to get off of this never ending merry-go-round. Other times i feel like i've been standing still on the edge of this ravine all my life. Looking down, holding my breath, looking at the sky and feeling so small and useless.

I worked on my domain and there's a new layout and a new writing section as well called Lunaria. I hope you'll like it. I'm pretty satisfied with the way it came out.

I wish you all a wonderful Christmas and a magical new year! Thank you so much for always being so supportive and patient with me! Love you! :) Take care guys!

The heart asks pleasure first

Thu, 04 Dec 2003 13:27:24 GMT

It's not a new day yet and you are already turning the pages of my heart, cutting out little pieces of enigmatic poems, fragments of paper & damnation, and throwing them in your wishing pond. Or is it a tower and i'm looking at it upside down? The sky and the earth melt together and i don't know if i'm dreaming or just hoping reality will never come back.

A solitary bird keeps up company while we walk through a snow-clad field...so white, so pure. Only a blood-drop could make it more beautiful. Because love&hate, innocence&sin are the perfect combinations. You can't separate them. Not even with the sharpest knife. And it doesn't matter how many dead orchids you put in my hair, how far away i run from myself and your promises (as ethereal as fairywings). I know i'll always come back. The heart asks pleasure first.

She'll sleep for winter she'll sleep for years

Fri, 21 Nov 2003 17:10:58 GMT

I walked into the night, sleepwalking with black petals in my hands. The petals i plucked from the last rose in my garden. The petals i scattered in the icy wind pretending they were fragments of your broken promises. I walked faster and faster cutting the darkness with a bittersweet smile, with your love poisoning my veins at every step, at every breath i took. I didn't know where i was going, i only wanted to get lost, disappear in a labyrinth of dreams and forgotten memories. I just wanted to see your face again, to look into your eyes and feel alive again. So i walked & wandered into the silver forest until my head started spinning and my heartbeat was the only sound i could hear.

When i woke up i was lying on a bed of dew-wet grass and frozen violets. The misty dawn was turning the night sky pink & melancholic crows were welcoming the newborn day singing of my curse again. Still no trace of you. Another night lost following your shadow, another night lost drowning in an ocean of echoes, chained to a secret spell, to your untouchable reflection.

am i too lost to be saved

Mon, 27 Oct 2003 11:54:54 GMT

I'm depressed. I want to cry and i don't know why. I feel so useless. I feel like a total disappointment for everybody. i wonder if i'll ever be able to stop this perennial state of torment & fear.

I'm hiding in this fake limbo, in this fragile cage. I'm hiding from myself, from my friends, from the ones i love. I'm afraid one day everybody will tell me the truth, that i'm a loser, that i'm just a ragdoll filled with paranoia and stupid dreams. That i'll never do anything in my life, that nobody will ever give me all the love that i need because i'm not worth it.

I feel like i don't have anything anymore & i know it's not true but that's how i feel right now. I don't have any talent, any aspiration. Everything is so uncertain, so ephemeral. And i'm so fucking lonely. But i created this prison with my own hands. And now i have to pay. I wish somebody could save me. Or just make me disappear.

Sorry for this rant...i don't even know why i feel this way. Please put up with me...i just needed to write how i feel.

And i'm sorry for the lack of comments. Please don't think that i don't care about you anymore. I'm just going through a rough time...i love you all and i'll never thank you enough. Never. You are all angels...

bonjour

Mon, 13 Oct 2003 15:00:47 GMT

I'm back!! My exams are over (for this semester!) so i finally found some time to catch up with my friends' journals and update mine!

What can i say? my past weeks were totally hectic! I had some very tough exams but luckily i passed all of them! Now i can finally relax a little and enjoy this wonderful season! Autumn always makes me feel so creative and inspired! But why can't i even make a decent LJ layout? i feel creative but unsatisfied! All the icons i find are boring and i never like anything i come up with!

The other day i went shopping & i bought this cute wallet! I love little Japanese things like this! I also wanted to buy a very pretty green ethnic bag but i wasn't too sure about buying it so i decided to wait and now it's gone! :(( i knew! I always make the same mistake!

Yesterday night i went to see Evanescence in concert and it was fantastic! Amy (the singer) has an amazing voice and a couple of songs were just her and the piano...it was awesome! The guitarist was wearing a Ferrari flag! I had a lot of fun! I hope they'll come back on tour soon! I love their music!

Well, this entry was full of girly stuff & i bet it bored you to death! So i'll leave you with a couple of pics that will give you nightmares tonight! Being scared is better than being bored, don't you think?

this is me and my sis! She was trying to smile in the weirdest way! (pssssss: Celine, please don't ever tell her i posted this pic or she'll kill me!)

miss you girls

Sun, 21 Sep 2003 18:31:47 GMT

Yes, i'm still alive. Well, not really but there's still a spark of life in me. There will always be i guess. All i've done lately is study and i feel as if my head was going to explode. I feel like a zombie! Somebody please save me from English linguistic books!

I miss Steve tremendously. I haven't talked to him much in the past days because he's sick and spends all day in bed. I miss him so much that all this emptiness inside of me steals the air from my lungs. I wish he could hold me right now. And i wish he'd feel better! I'm so worried about him :(

I'm so sorry i have totally disappeared from LJ and i haven't left any comments lately! I feel terrible about it! I just don't have any free time for anything! It's so frustrating!I miss you all so much and i want all of you to know that you are all in my thouhts and i promise i'll catch up with your journals soon! As soon as my exams give me 5 minutes to breathe! I love you all and you are all so so so special and important to me! I hope you are all doing good!

Well, i guess i'll end this here since i'm too tired to write anything else! Love you girls! Happy Autumn (and Happy Mabon to all the Wiccans out there!)

oh btw, i made a new layout a couple of weeks ago. It's nothing special, i didn't have time to make something more original or creative but well, here it is !

just a thought

Thu, 04 Sep 2003 18:52:45 GMT

How sacred your hate is / How profane your love tastes-
Like sweet wine on my lips / Like dead flowers in my hand.

My silent undoing

Wed, 27 Aug 2003 15:15:31 GMT

I silently pray for your soul while you keep breaking my heart with your indifference and anger. I put my heart in your hands but all you do is scream and punch walls...you are blinded by your vanity and don't see the bleeding scars under my skin. I feel trapped and lost. Like a mermaid caught in a fishnet. I'm sinking, i'm drowning. The water is cold, my lungs are filled with your poison. Nobody's here to save me.

I scream but nobody hears me. My own echo is my only company. I am now a voiceless mermaid...he can't hear my song, he's a million feet above my head inhaling nocturnal breeze and sweet moonbeans...i can only see their reflection through the water. Everything is blurry, intangible, evanescent. I am trapped under the waves of his commiseration. I feel little. I feel like i'm disappearing...turning into a faded memory. My touch is lost somewhere under the ocean. Nothing matters anymore. Under the waves.

soda dreamer

Mon, 18 Aug 2003 12:23:10 GMT

Hiding under my breath with inexistent cigarette smoke in my eyes...trying to stand still in this stormy wind. Trying to keep my eyes as shut as i can. No room for tears, no time for emotions. I inhale the night with the same hunger i crave for his touch...so far away...almost forgotten.

I am lost once again. Lost but still alive, still breathing, still hoping. Secretely...silently. I don't know how i feel anymore. All i do is study and feel empty. & i dream about getting a tattoo or dying my hair pink so maybe everybody i know would be shocked and would start looking at me in a different way. But it would be useless anyway. I don't even know who i am anymore...maybe i'll never know. Maybe i'll keep changing so i'll never be "somebody". I'll always be a changing soul...something in transit between reality and imagination. I'm just rambling...i just feel lonely...

Somebody please save me. & give me a hug.

love burns

Wed, 13 Aug 2003 16:34:26 GMT

Frozen inside without your touch,
without your love darling...
only you are the life among the dead.

I'm home.

{ x }lacedheart

Tue, 05 Aug 2003 14:49:13 GMT

Why does this have to end?

+

+

I'm not ready to go home. Not ready to face all my nightmares again. Not ready to kiss him goodbye & let another piece of my heart break.

Just a few more days left...i wish they could last forever. I wish i could stop time, i wish i knew how not get depressed without him. I know, i sound pathetic but this is just how i feel.

It's been raining a lot here lately...maybe the sky is sad too. Tears from the sky, rain from my eyes.

& i'm so sorry for the lack of comments and participation here on LJ but it's hard to find time for that here. I know you understand me. I love you all darlings & i promise i'll catch up with your journals when i go back home! Thank you so so so so much for all your sweet comments & e-mails! <33

p.s. look what Steve bought me for our anniversary! (3 years & 10 months!...yes, our usual month anniversary!) *click!* I adore Hello Kitty and that is so cute! I've already stored some of your e-mail addresses & urls! :))

i've made it!

Mon, 21 Jul 2003 15:34:48 GMT

I'm in North Caroina...with Steve! It's still hard to believe! The flight was ok, really tiring but ok. The only problem was that my luggage got lost! Ahh it was a nightmare not to have my stuff but luckily they found it one day after i got here! That gave me the excuse to go to Old Navy and buy a shirt hehe!

Two days ago we went to Old Salem and it was very nice...i wish it would have been the real Salem, the one that is famous for the witches! I'd love to go there someday! It would be really interesting!

I've been eating a lot since i got here...i just hope i won't gain too much weight! Yesterday night i had a HUGE chocolate muffin! (while watching Monsters Inc.!) I don't even want to think about all the calories...ahh! The other night we watched The Ring on dvd and i noticed that when i watched it in Italy at the cinema there were some scenes that weren't in the American version! That's weird!

Well, sorry for these dumb ramblings! I just wanted to let you all know that i got here safe and that i miss you! I'm trying to catch up with all of your journals but i never have much time to be online so please be patient with me! I love you guys! It's so nice to be here & finally get to relax! <33

i'll be gone for a while

Thu, 10 Jul 2003 17:58:51 GMT

Well, my life has been so hectic lately i hardly had any time for anything except school! I wanted to download a bunch of songs & write letters to the superspecial people i owe letters to but i didn't get to :(

I'm leaving for North Carolina next Wednesday and since i have an exam on Monday & i'll have to pack all my stuff on Tuesday i doubt i'll have any time to write in here again before i leave! So...this is a goodbye! Hopefully i'll be able to write from Steve's house a few times but still...i'll miss reading your entries every day like i do now (even though i don't always comment i always read!)! You can always e-mail me here if you miss me! It would make me really really happy to hear from you! & you can always visit my website & leave me lovenotes in my guestbook! (btw, there's a new layout @ thosegraces.net)

I'll miss you all so much! You guys mean so much to me...<33 Thank you for always being true angels to me! :)) Well, i guess i'll go now! Oh i was forgetting...isn't this absolutely beautiful?

"For attractive lips, speak words of kindness. For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people. For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry. For beautiful hair, let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day. For poise, walk with the knowledge that you'll never walk alone." - Audrey Hepburn

ramblings & pics

Wed, 02 Jul 2003 15:34:40 GMT

First of all i want to thank all of you who commented on my last entry! You almost made me cry guys! Thank you so so much! You are all so wonderful! Thank you! I know it's not enough but this is for you! click! I hope you like it! :))

I'm feeling a little better. I still have my ups and downs but i'm trying to have positive thoughts. Luckily i'm going to be with Steve soon and that gives me the strength not to drown in my usual nihilism. I just can't wait to be with him and leave all of this mess behind, leave all my stress and bad feelings here in Italy. Today is also our anniversary...3 years and 10 months! Yep, we still celebrate every month even after all this time! :))

A few days ago i discovered this gorgeous website www.nati-art.com and i ordered this print! Isn't it beautiful? I should receive it in a few days since Natalia (the artist) lives in Italy!

Well, i don't have much to say today. It's too hot to think or type anything that makes any sense so i'll leave you with a bunch of pics. Have a lovely day angels! <3

a couple of ugly pics of me...my hair is a mess in the second pic!

I bought these a couple of weeks ago:

i bought this last Saturday :)

I've had these for a while now:

confessions

Mon, 23 Jun 2003 08:16:17 GMT

I'm sorry i haven't been on line much lately but i'm trying to survive my sleepless nights and super busy days. Trying to breathe even with all my worries and nightmares. + i just found out they changed my exam date and now my last exam is 2 days before i leave for America. So that means stress & paranoia till the very end.

I'm sorry i don't know how to be beautiful and special. I'm not that amazing girl you seem to see in me. I feel so small & helpless. A stupid little girl with no talent. And i'm afraid one day soon everybody will realize that and nobody will love me anymore.

I want to thank you all for being so sweet and good to me. I'll never thank you enough darlings, never. You are all angels and i love you so so much :) Sometimes i really do think i don't deserve so much love & kindness! Sometimes i really can't undersatnd why you are all so good to me!

I'm sorry i haven't left you many comments lately but i promise i'll try to catch up with all of you soon! I always read your entries, i just don't have time for comments right now. I'm so sorry :(

I also haven't written anything in here lately because i don't have anything worth saying. I'm tired of filling this journal with my meaningless ramblings. There's no substance in my life, no substance in my writings. Just smoke & pretty illusions. I guess i take everything too seriously. Maybe i take this journal too seriously too. I just wish i could relax and enjoy life instead of worrying 24 hours a day. I can never rest. I can never turn my head off. I keep thinking & thinking & thinking. It's driving me crazy. I'm so afraid of disappointing the ones that love me. I wish i were beautiful and special like you.

Please be patient with me. This is just one of those days...i'll be back soon. I love you all :)

disconnected

Thu, 12 Jun 2003 12:04:33 GMT

No magic today. Just the suffocating heat of this thursday morning & a sense of motion that comes from the inside. I want to live, i want to feel alive...i want want want but nothingness & bittersweet lies are flowing in my veins. The only thought of him keeps my heart beating and sometimes i wonder if that's all i need.

Lost in a tangle of thoughts, i'm afraid my bliss will end before my heart recognizes it because i'm afraid to breath it in, afraid of letting that sweet illusion crush my dreams once again. Dreams are a strange thing. Maybe we are all just a dream. Sometimes i do think i am a dreamy hallucination of a girl living in another world. Sometimes i just feel totally disconnected from reality, from this crazy mess. I should be lying outside on the wet grass & watch the clouds move instead of letting everybody's madness creep into my soul & scratch me from within.

melting in my hand

Tue, 03 Jun 2003 13:52:53 GMT

While you were twisting wild flowers & breaking promises in the summer heat i could already feel the sky getting drenched with pretty lies & poisoned rain. Beautiful rain, wash it away wash it away wash it away 'cause all this plastic emptiness is burning me inside. The clouds above your precious little head are turning purple & the air smells like ice. Ice melting in my hand. Like my love for you, like the branches shaken by the wind, like the thunders in the distance. All is melting, melting in my hands.

Now i'm sleepwalking in the storm & dreams become the only truth in my reality. My veins filled with water, my heart filled with memories i should have forgotten centuries ago. My old chains are breaking, my legs are free & i can run but everything is black & blurred & every step i take is leading me back to you, back to your cold heart. Like a chain no one can break. Like a cursed lullaby that never ends.

bonjour tristesse_____x

Tue, 27 May 2003 15:50:06 GMT

I scribble spells & melancholic lullabies on the empty margins of your heart. I smell the evening air while the birds grow silent and i wonder...is the endlessness of the night that makes me so fragile or is the darkness that keeps intruding upon my sense of reality that doesn't let me breathe, steals my air to fill my lungs with poisoned illusions?

My emotions keep disappearing & reappearing like evanescent silhouettes of stormy clouds in perpetual movement...like a slow-motion dream that keeps playing in my head. Your sweet shadow gently tries to reach me & when you finally touch me all you are left with is a tangle of fears & secrets. My gothic /melodramatic attitude will soon confuse their pretty little heads & they'll end up asking themselves what is wrong with that girl that always looks so sullen.

(something new here & here)

take me away from here

Thu, 22 May 2003 13:38:37 GMT

He left this morning & i feel totally numb. My eyes burn because of all the tears i cried. Nothing feels real today. Except maybe the sense of emptiness. I know i can be very melodramatic sometimes but it just hurts so much when one of us has to leave. It really kills me. We have so many dreams & plans for the future & i just wish the future was today.

Yesterday morning we held each other for a long time & made heart-shaped pancakes! In the afternoon we took a walk in the park & it was so beautiful. There was a lovely breeze & i could almost hear the trees whisper sweet melodies for us. We walked hand in hand & everything felt so perfect.

Today the weather is so beautiful too. The sky is perfectly blue & the clouds look like cotton-candy. The birds are singing & the grass is caressed by the sweetest breeze but it feels like a pretty picture i can't touch. Maybe i'll feel better in a few days. The separation is always so shocking.

I guess i just need someone to hold me tight & sing me a lullaby tonight. I really don't want to sleep alone tonight. I don't want to think about tomorrow...i don't want to think about anything.

______________trigger

Mon, 12 May 2003 12:47:13 GMT

I wish there was a painkiller for this strange feeling that is racing through my veins. Even if i close my eyes i can still see the white sky that looks almost wintry today, the pale sun shining behind the clouds. The air smells like spring, like grass, like lunacy.

I haven't remembered a dream in more than 2 months. It's scary. It makes me feel lonely. I feel as if my deepest emotions had abandoned me to leave me empty like a ghost. I bought a paper journal though. It's got a big pink heart on the cover. It's very pretty. And i started filling it with nostalgia flashbacks & the most unconcrete plans for my future. Writing in a real & totally private journal will help me focus on my emotions. On the feelings i keep hiding under my skin, on the words that never dared to touch my tongue.

My boy will be here tomorrow morning. I still can't believe it. I really can't. It hasn't hit me yet. That's why i'm so calm, so absorbed in my everyday thoughts. Tomorrow is also his birthday. I bought him a very nice shirt & i'm gonna make brownies this afternoon! I hope he'll like them! They always come out very good!

I just want to melt in his arms & forget about everything, forget why i am always so sad, forget all the worries & just be happy for one time. Maybe once my heart recognizes happiness it will able to feel it again, feel it even when he's gone & i'm left only with beautiful memories & my perennial emotional confusion.

new domain + spring melancholy

Wed, 07 May 2003 13:32:48 GMT

I still feel the smell of smoke in the air, rock music in my ears, confusion in my heart. I felt alive. Just a few years ago I felt alive. I felt alive because i didn't care. I lived for the moment. I pretended my life was a dream...or a B movie. One of those movies where nothing makes sense. But it didn't matter because i had a little hope. I just knew one day i'd run away...one day i'd do all the things i had dreamed of. Now i don't even know what my dreams are. I don't even have the courage to look into somebody else's eyes. My claws have disappeared. My rage has turned into apathy & i don't feel like myself anymore.

The only consolation i find on days like this is fill my lungs with fresh morning air. I close my eyes & i pretend there's nothing but sky & land in this world. Nothing in between. No fears, no mistakes, no expectations. I pretend i don't exist. I pretend i'm nothing but air. I wish the sky opened its mouth & swallowed me. Made me a cloud.
They always ask me why i am always so melancholic & i can only shake my head because i do not know. Spring makes me even more pensive. My head can't stop thinking. My heart can't stop wondering.

p.s. please update your links. I finally bought a domain! THOSEGRACES.NET <33

more dead than alive

Wed, 30 Apr 2003 18:32:45 GMT

My lovelies,
please forgive me for not leaving comments & posting much lately but i'm sick at the moment. I have a temperature & i feel really awful. My whole body aches, it feels like my head is going to explode & i feel so weak. If my body temperature keeps rising like this i guess i'll die for spontaneous combustion! (yes, i always get particularly sarcastic when i'm sick! :P)

I tried to read all of your entries but leaving comments was too hard. My eyes burn like hell just looking at the pc screen!
I just wanted to thank you so much guys for all your love and support. You can't even imagine how much your words & comments mean to me! You always make me feel like i'm worth something. Even when i feel like i'm nothing & everybody hates me. You are the sweetest people in the world!I love you so much & you are all in my heart! <333

Oh one more thing before i crawl back to my bed! I have great news: Steve is going to be here with me in a couple of weeks! I didn't expect to see him so soon at all & now i know that in a few days i'll be able to hold him & look into his beautiful eyes! :)) I just hope i'll be ok by the time he gets here!

Well, i guess that's all for now! I promise to leave you all comments & write a more decent entry as soon as i stop feeling like a zombie!
Love you darlings! *big big hug to each one of you* <333

comme une rose dans la neige

Wed, 23 Apr 2003 15:28:11 GMT

She wanted to be their psychedelic doll & she put sugar & honey in everything she said, in the kisses she blew, in the letters she scribbled to her secret lovers...love poems written in red lipstick...words that tasted like white magic & black coffee.

She knew they liked her when she played the victim, the porcelain doll with rosy cheeks & ruby lips, their secret geisha with innocent eyes & eyelashes like butterfly wings. "Hold me, hold me tight"- she whispered through the tears, trying to fill the emptiness inside & her sighs were so sweet that they couldn't help but losing themselves in the labyrinths of her mind.

What a pretty rosebud- they said & they didn't know the abysses of loneliness that hid underneath her skin, the broken glass she had to walk on every day & now that she's sleeping where the violets grow they hide their shame under a fake sad smile- secretly happy that they'll never see her bittersweet smile again...that melancholic look in her eyes that still haunts their dreams.