Horror Show

That'll do

2011-02-11T21:15:45Z

werd.

Also, dreadies continue to form!

Oh, and of course, gratuitous pit-hair picture:

Monster Pussy

2011-01-31T20:37:38Z

I am addicted to this song right now... Mostly just the chorus.

My cat is in heat right now, so I keep singing it to her
"Monster puss, monster pussy meowwww, monster pussy"

and otherwise, I just have glorious images of a giant hairy cunt running on a pair of legs trying to eat EVERYONE!

awesome daydreams

Guess What? I know what I'm doing!

2011-01-10T21:55:10Z

Okay, I think I'd like to do a little bit of ranting.

I am working a temporary part-time job right now as a patient escort at a family clinic. It's pretty informal - my housemate's mother works at this clinic and since the backdoor near the parking lot has been closed due to construction since October, I've been working with a few other people assisting individuals who need a hand to the front door since it's pretty far away.

This job pays minimum wage, but I think I've gained a lot more from it than money can pay and that's really hard for some people to understand. I've had a lot of really beautiful and inspiring interactions with folks... some who are old and appreciate an arm to hold on to to the front door, some folks who came to the clinic alone and need to be pushed to the front door in a chair because it's too far to walk, some folks in chairs who want to buy me a coffee and share a cigarette while telling me what it's like to live in a world where an able-bodied majority don't consider accessibility needs, some folks who are blind and are willing to share with me how they see with their heart, some children of elderly parents who need to talk with someone about feeling really burnt out and frustrated, and some folks who just want to shoot the shit...... So much! I've met some friendly faces that are now familiar and we catch up when they come to the clinic. These are the interactions that make this job awesome.

This job has also been full of a lot of really challenging interactions... I've had mothers walk by with their children and say within earshot "and that's why you stay in school kids"... or people who feel entitled to lecture me on why I should be in school. I have some people (always able-bodied) who seem to take personal offense to the fact that someone could possibly be paid to stand around and do "nothing"!! When people belittle my job, by saying things like "wow... bet you're having a blast... jeez, shitty job, eh?" without considering the fact that saying something like that can be (and is for me) personally offensive (considering, yes, this is my job, and they have no idea why I'm there initially or what my situation is..... Perhaps I really need the money and I don't enjoy it but am trying to be positive about what I'm spending my time doing...)... but the fact is in this situation, I do really enjoy my job. The thing is though, a lot of the time people don't believe me! When in response to a comment like the previous or "They actually pay you to do this?! What does your job even entail?!" in a really dismissive tone, I tell them that I'm there to assist people that need or want my assistance, and that those folks who do require help are very appreciative... and that I'm really happy to be there to help. I get anything from an eye roll to a 'suuuure'.

I get asked constantly if I'm in school... or if I'm going back to school... etc. This seems to be a very pressing concern for folks when they see me working. They then feel entitled to lecture me on how I 'may have blue hair and a facial piercing today, but who knows what I'll be doing tomorrow', or that I'm so young and when they were my age ..., or why it's such a shame that I'm not still in school. I am grilled with questions about my life goals and future plans by older men who think I am some lost or naive youth. This all rests on an understanding and reliance on so many social norms that I immediately appear to have strayed from. I am sure they are just trying to 'provide insight' or 'give advice' or 'help me out' but who says I need help? Have we all internalized the values of our society so much that we have become self-governing in the sense that we take it on as a personal matter when someone has stepped out of the production line to straighten them up?

Today someone actually said (and I quote directly) "What's a nice girl doing in at a job like this." What the fuck is that supposed to mean? What does it mean to be a 'nice girl'? I asked them what they meant and they sort of trailed off. They then said "Well, I guess it's not that hard of a job... all you have to do is look pretty." I said "I really don't think that has anything to do with what I'm doing here." He said he was just joking.... I walked away.

Fuck.

I had another conversation with a guy that was further infuriating for me. He, also, asked me if I was in school. I said no, and asked why... He said this seemed like it would be a good student job, and then told me I should really be in school. I told him that I did go to university for a bit but decided that I didn't like it, and that I was applying to college for their 2 year social service worker program. He told me he was a social worker in toronto and that he had a masters. "What were you studying in school?" I told him about the Peace Studies program and how just like Women's Studies (which has now been completely cancelled) Peace Studies was slowly being fazed out. He then decided that he should tell me why he thought feminism was great and all, but really not relevant anymore and that it had shot itself in the foot, to which I immediately emitted a sound of unease ("uhhh...."). He told me that wasnt' very academic and continued to explain to me what feminism was. I listened to his essay that went on for fucking ever... I couldn't get a word in edgewise. Was it assumed that I knew nothing on the matter and that he needed to try and put out a bunch of academic references (that,by the way, I did understand although NOT because I've gone to university, although he wouldn't know that because I didn't get a chance to share any of my politics) and enlighten me on the topic of feminism and how as a woman meant this to me, or meant that to me, or that I was being affected this way or that way ... (ARGH... I think I'm getting less and less articulate). In the end I told him I disagreed with pretty much everything he had said and that that wasn't my feminism, and that I loved it for all the ways it was completely unlike anything he had mentioned. Blahblahblah And then he told me "You know what you need to do... you need tog o back to university whether you like it or not. I don't care if you don't like it - you gotta go back. That's what you gotta do." I couldn't gather enough sarcasm to say thank you.

I love the situations where I have actual conversations with people - where people don't give a fuck about my education and can respect and appreciate that I made a choice to go to work that day and that I want to be there and that I have things under control. We debate sometimes, or talk about politics, and often times they go "wow, you're really intellegent, I'm really enjoying talking to you".... I love to listen and learn from these folks.

Anyhoo...

One good thing that happened was this person came into the clinic...I was instantly curious and attracted and I think we sort of gave eachother 'the eye' a few times... I found out their name was Martha... english pronouns can only fail us with this kind of shit. Martha appeared to be biologically female so I guess that means that I'll begrudgingly and confusedly use 'she'.

Anyways... We spoke after I came inside from talking to the feminist-expert and being REALLY frustrated. I told Martha about this and she just listened and it was pretty nice... She said that she works with kids because she can't stand adults and the things they say. We talked for quite a bit while she waited for her housemate to be done with the doctor and then before she left she said "this may sound really odd but I don't know a lot of people in this town and my housemates think I should get out mroe, can I get your numer and maybe we could go out for coffee sometime?" I said that I'd like that, so I gave her my number. She called me on my way home from work to give me her house number and say she enjoyed meeting me and then she sent me a bunch of cute and akward texts that reminded me of my own awkardness (hah...) to let me know what her cell number was and her email and to say that she wasn't meaning to be hitting on me but that maybe she was if I wanted her to.

It was really fucking nice to be picked up on someone's "queer-dar" for lack of a better word... I mean, I could sense that she was queer and the fact she was also identifying me as being accesible and open as such felt pretty good.... I feel a lot more comfortable identifying as queer than I have as straight since the last couple years of my life... I feel like queer is a much broader, more encompassing word to explain how endless and beautiful it is to not give a fuck about gender labels (i guess this is what the word has meant to me so far in my life). Beyond that I haven't really delved too far into trying to find something more specific to identify with/as, and haven't really felt a need to do so. I guess I've felt a little insecure about the idea of 'not being gay enough' to openly identify in the community I live in where there's not really a lot of talk of gender politics or any sort of dialogue around this stuff at all. I have had mostly what appear to be hetero relationships with fairly cis-gendered people and I think that people identify me as similarly 'straight' to the degree where there would be a sense of suprise if I were to have a relationship with another biological female.... which kind of goes to show how much assumptions are still embedded in our ideas of bodies and gender and sex regardless of where you're living and the people you know. Shit this stuff is so fucking confusing to try to write out. How do we use language to confront systemic ideologies when the language itself is so embedded in the very social concepts we are trying to dismantle?!

Anyhoo, I'll continue to explore my gender and my comfort with being queer.

I sometimes wonder if the people who make judgements and recommendations on what I should do with my life based on the notion that I am a 'nice girl' would think if they knew that I had hairy pits and legs... what would they think if I shared some of the ideas that I've been writing about in this journal? What if I brought the book Cunt to work to read.... would they still think I was a nice girl?

Note to Self

2011-01-10T04:54:49Z

Do some research into how to support a perpetrator when it comes up that they are also a survivor.
How do you simultaneously support someone while holding them accountable?

Give Me Back Interview: Philly's Pissed & Philly Stands Back Up

2011-01-10T03:43:45Z

http://www.phillyspissed.net/sites/default/files/give%20me%20back%20interview.pdf

Learning Good Consent

2011-01-02T23:40:08Z

I've had this zine for a while now. I think it's pretty common at book fairs and infoshops - at least in Southern Ontario.

Here's what the back says:

NO MEANS NO
"Not Now" means NO
I have a boy/girlfriend means NO
Maybe later means NO
You're not my type means NO
Fuck off means NO
I'd rather be alone right now means NO
Don't touch me means NO
I really like you but... means NO
Let's just go to sleep means NO
I'm not sure means NO
You've/I've been drinking means NO
Silence means NO

This zine deals with consent in a sexual realm for the most part, but consent should be exercised in all parts of life.
Learning Good Consent also has a shitton of questions that I've been meaning to answer for myself for a long time. I'm going to type them all out here so that I can remind myself, and also so that perhaps other people can think about what their own answers might be.

These questions were somewhat triggering for me because they reminded me of some ways in which my consent has not been respected in the past. They were also difficult to read becasue, while doing so, I was able to dealve deeper into reflections on how I have done some shitty things before. It's hard to think about both of these things, but I think really important for me.

So, just a heads-up: The following may be triggering.

1) How do you define consent?
2) Have you ever talked about consent with your partner(s) or friends?
3) Do you know people, or have you been with people who define consent differently than you do?
4) Have you ever been unsure whether or not the person you were being sexual with wanted to be doing what you were doing? Did you talk about it? Did you ignore it in hopes that it would change? Did you continue what you were doing because it was pleasurable to you and you didn't want to deal with what the other person was experiencing? Did you continue because you felt it was your duty? How do you feel about the choice you made?
5) Do you think it is the other person's responsibility to say something if they aren't into what you are doing?
6) How might someone express that what is happening is not okay?
7) Do you look only for verbal signs or are there other signs?
8) Do you think it is possible to misinterpret silence for consent?
9) Have you ever asked someone what kinds of signs you should look for if they have a hard time verbalizing when something feels wrong?
10) Do you only ask about these kinds of things if you are in a serious relationship or do you feel able to talk in casual situations too?
11) Do you think talking ruins the mood?
12) Do you think consent can be erotic?
13) Do you think about people's abuse histories?
14) Do you check in as things progress or do you assume the original consent means everything is okay?
15) If you achieve consent once, do you assume it's always okay after that?
16) If someone consents to one thing, do you assume everything else is okay or do you ask before touching in different ways or taking thing to more intense levels?
17) Are you resentful of people who need or want to talk about being abused? Why?
18) Are you usually attracted to people who fit the traditional standard of beauty as seen in the united states?
19) Do you pursue friendships with people because you want to be with them, and then give up on the friendship if that person isn't interested in you sexually?
20) Do you pursue someone sexually even after they have said they just want to be friends?
21) Do you assume that if someone is affectionate they are probably sexually interested in you?
22) Do you think about affection, sexuality, and boundaries? Do you talk about these issues with people? If so, do you talk about them only when you want to be sexual with someone or do you talk about them because you think it is important and you genuinely want to know?
23) Are you clear about your own intentions?
24) Have you ever tried talking someone into doing something they showed hesitancy about?
25) Do you think hesitancy is a form of flirting?
26) Are you aware that in some instances it is not?
27) Have you ever thought someone's actions were flirtatious when that wasn't actually the message they wanted to get across?
28) Do you think that if someone is promiscuous that makes it okay to objectify them, or talk about them in ways you normally wouldn't?
29) If someone is promiscuous, do you think it's less important to get consent?
30) Do you think that if someone dresses in a certain way it makes it okay to objectify them?
31) If someone dresses in a certain way do you think it means they want your sexual attention or approval?
32) Do you understand that there are many other reasons, that have nothing to do with you, that a person might want to dress or act in a way that you might find sexy?
33) (This question was cut off by the photocopier :()
34) Have you ever objectified someone's gender presentation?
35) Do you assume that each person who fits a certain perceived gender presentation will interact with you in the same way?
36) Do you think sex is a game?
37) Do you ever try to get yourself into situations that give you an excuse for touching someone you think would say "no" if you asked? i.e. dancing, getting really drunk around them, falling asleep next to them.
38) Do you make people feel 'unfun' or 'unliberated' if tehy don't want to try certain sexual things?
39) Do you think there are ways you act that might make someone feel that way even if it's not what you're trying to do?
40) Do you ever try and make bargains? i.e "if you let me ____________, I'll do ___________ for you"?
41) Have you ever tried asking someone what they're feeling? If so, did you listen to them and respect them?
42) Have you used jealousy as a means of control?
43) Do you feel like being in a relationship with someone means that they have an obligation to have sex with you?
44) What if they want to abstain from sex for a week? A month? A year?
45) Do you whine or threaten if you're not having the amount of sex or the kind of sex that you want?
46) Do you think it's okay to initiate something sexual with someone who is sleeping?
47) What if the person is your partner?
48) Do you think it's important to talk with them about it when they're awake first?
49) Do you ever look at how you interact with people or how to treat people, positive or negative, and where that comes from/where you learned it?
50) Do you behave differently when you've been drinking?
51) What are positive aspects of drinking for you? What are negative aspects?
52) Have you been sexual with people when you were drunk or when they were drunk? Have you ever felt uncomfortable or embarassed about it the next day? Has the person you were with ever acted wierd with you afterward?
53) Do you seek consent the same way when you are drunk as when you are sober?
54) Do you think it is important to talk the next day with the person you've been sexual with if there has been drinking involved? If not, is it because it's uncomfortable or because you think something might have happened that shouldn't have? Or is it because you think that's just the way things go?
55) Do you think people need to take things more lightly?
56) Do you think these questions are repressive and people who look critically at their sexual histories and their current behavior are uptight and should be more 'liberated'?
57) Do you think liberation might be different for different people?
58) Do you find yourself repeating binary gender behaviours, even within queer relationships and friendships? How might you doing this make others feel?
59) Do you view sexuality and gender presentation as part of a whole person, or do you consider those to be exclusively sexual aspects of people?
60) If someone is dressed in drag, do you take it as an invitation to make sexual comments?
61) Do you fetishize people because of their gender presentation?
62) Do you think only men abuse?
63) Do you think that in a relationship between people of the same gender, only the one who is more 'manly' abuses?
64) How do you react if someone becomes uncomfortable with what you're doing, or if they don't want to do soemthing? Do you get defensive? Do you feel guilty? Does the other person end up having to take care of you and reassure you? Or are you able to step back and listen and hear them and support them and take responsibility for your actions?
65) Do you tell your side of the story and try to change the way they experienced the situation?

66) Do you do things to show your partner that you're listening and that you'rei nterested in their ideas about consent or their ideas about what you did?
67) Do you ever talk about sex or consent when you're not in bed?
68) Have you ever raped or sexually abused or sexually manipulated someone? Are you able to think about your behaviour? Have you made changes? What kinds of changes?
69) Are you uncomfortable wth your body or your sexuality?
70) Have you been sexually abused?
71) Has your own uncomfortableness or your own abuse history caused you to act in abusive ways? If so, have you ever been able to talk to anyone about it? Do you think talking about it is or could be helpful?
72) Do you avoid talking about consent or abuse because you aren't ready to ordon't want to talk about your own sexual abuse?
73) Do you ever feel obligated to have sex?
74) Do you ever feel obligated to initiate sex?
75) What if days, months, or years later, someone tells you they were uncomfortable with what you did? Do you grill them?
76) Do you initiate conversations about safe sex and birth control (if applicable)?
77) Do you think that saying something as vague as "I've been tested recently" is enough?
78) Do you take your partners concerns about safe sex and/or birth control seriously?
79) Do you think that if one person wants to have safe sex and the other person doesn't really care, it is the responsibility of the person who has concerns to provide safe sex supplies?
80) Do you think if a person has a body that can get pregnant, and they don't want to, it is up to them to provide birth control?
81) Do you complain or refuse safe sex or the type of birth control your partner wants to use because it reduces your pleasure?
82) Do you try and maniplate your partner about these issues?
83) Do you think there is ongoing work that we can do to end sexual violence in our communities?

Why should men care about sexual violence?

2010-10-20T14:56:20Z

I've been reading a lot of zines on sexual violence, support for survivors, community-based models of perpetrator accountability, etc.

The following is a piece in An Activist Approach to Domestic Violence, and is a good continuation of the entry I just posted.

Why should men care about sexual violence?

1) Men Rape
The great majority of all sexually violent crimes are committed by males. Even when men are sexually victimized, other men are most often the perpetrators.

2) Men ARE raped
We don't like to think abou it, and we don't like to talk about it, but the fact is that men can also be sexually victimized. Studies show that a staggering 10-20% of all males are sexually violated a some point in their lifetimes. Men are not immune to the epidemic of sexual violence, nor are male survivors safe from the stigma that society attaches to victims of rape. Male survivors are often disbelieved, accused of being gay, or blamed for their own victimization when they report an incident of sexual assault. Frequently, they respond, as do many female survivors, by remaining silent and suffering alone.

3) Rape confines men
When some men rape, and when 80% of those who are raped know the man that attacked them, it becomes virtually impossible to distinguish men who are safe from men who are dangerous, men who can be trusted from men who can't, men who will rape from men who won't. The result is a society with its guard up, where intimacy is limited by the constant hreat of violence, and where all men are labeled 'potential rapists.'

4) Men know survivors
At some point in every man's life, someone close to him will likely disclose that they are a survivor of sexual violence and ask for help. Men must be prepared to respond with care, sensitiviy, compassion, and understanding. Ignorance on the part of men about the situation of rape and its impact can only hinder the healing process and may even contribute to teh survivor's feeling further victimized. A supportive male presence during a survivor's recovery, however, can be invaluable.

5) Men can stop rape
Rape is a choice men make to use sex as a weapon for power and control. For rape to stop, men who are violent must be empowered to make difference choices. All men can play a vital role in this process by challenging rape supporting attitudes and behaviors and raising awareness abou the damaging impact of sexual violence. Every time a man's voice joins those of women in speaking out against rape, the world becomes safer for us all.

----

"What can I possibly do?"

- Take Rape Seriously. Rape is violence. There is nothing funny about it.
- Work to Change Institutions. Make your school, dorm, fraternity, and community safer for women. Women shouldn't have to be afraid of men. Other societies are essentially rape-free; ours can be too.
- Friends Don't Let Friends Rape. Have the courage to challenge yourself and others if they harass others or joke about rape. If you don't speak up, who will?
- Support Survivors of Sexual Assault and he agencies that help them. Women, girls, men or boys... no one ever deserves to be raped.
- Donate time or money to rape prevention programs in your area.
- Work on Your Own Relationships. Listen to women, examine the ways you have been taught to interact with women, and make changes.

__dead_wings__ @ 2012-10-28T01:25:00

2009-02-28T06:29:35Z

I have now made all of my entries from this point onward...

...FRIENDS ONLY!

This journal contains themes of mental health, anti-oppression, feminism, violence, trauma-healing, etc. I've decided to make some of the entries public in the hopes that more people will see them that way. I will also be writing about my own experiences. Those entries will be kept private. Both will contain content that might be triggering.

I'd like to encourage people to use my journal as a space for dialogue around these issues. If you'd like to read, just comment and let me know and I'll add you :) I am very open about who I add to my journal; I'd just like to know who's reading the nitty gritty (and sometimes, the random) bits.

__dead_wings__ @ 2009-02-25T22:22:00

2009-02-26T03:23:48Z

__dead_wings__ @ 2009-02-25T12:18:00

2009-02-25T17:22:03Z

A soldier who constantly reflected upon the knee-smashing, widow-making characteristics of his weapon, or who always thought of the enemy as a man exactly as himself, doing much the same task and subjected to exactly the same stresses and strains, would find it difficult to operate effectively in battle... Without the creation of abstract images of the enemy, and without the depersonalization of the enemy during training, battle would become impossible to sustain. But if the abstract image is overdrawn or depersonalization is stretched into hatred, the restraints on human behavior in war are easily swept aside. If, on the other hand, men reflect too deeply upon the enemy's common humanity, then they risk being able to proceed with the task whose aims may be eminently just and legitimate. This conundrum lies, like a Gordian knot linking the diverse strands of hostility and affection, at the heart of a soldier's relationship with the enemy.

- Richard Holmes
Acts of War

__dead_wings__ @ 2009-02-09T21:41:00

2009-02-10T02:56:39Z

There is a side effect for every movement,
and all we have is cement
and our moulds.
If I could hold brain against my memories
I would.
But there's a hold on heart to mind things
and all my lonely parts are ringing.
I feel old.
I feel old.
If I could fall into my dreams, I think
I would.

__dead_wings__ @ 2009-02-09T15:05:00

2009-02-09T20:05:43Z

__dead_wings__ @ 2009-02-09T14:13:00

2009-02-09T19:13:55Z

Looks like I might be able to get a camera for my birthday.

__dead_wings__ @ 2009-01-22T16:26:00

2009-01-22T21:31:45Z

__dead_wings__ @ 2009-01-16T19:27:00

2009-01-17T00:28:36Z

Argh
I am so useless,
apathetic,
unfocussed, and
uninspired.

Snap out of it.

YES

2009-01-13T20:27:37Z

What's up...

2009-01-09T01:10:07Z

In the last little while...

... I was spoiled by my family on Xmas. Tilly helped me open some of my gifts.

... I spent another Xmas with Brian.

... I discovered what my 'gamer' face looks like!

... I had an Xmas with all of my family that evening :]

... I looked very concerned while discussing immigration with my Uncle Dave after Xmas dinner. Meanwhile, Brian eyes up my pie.

... I waited in the freezing cold for the train back to Hamilton.

... I drank what possibly could have been my 100th Arizona icetea. Pardon the product placement... but these things are pretty cheap, 2x plus the quanity of a can of a pop, and a hell of a lot healthier.... so I'm happy and hooked!

... My dreads turned *officially* 1 year old :) I swear, I'm a lot happier with that than it looks. PLUS....

.... I painted my crappy painting over with black canvas (which I find a lot less daunting than a white canvas) and theeeeen....

... This is what it turned into. I don't know if it's done yet. It's hard to see in that picture, but that's my first attempt at painting something! I think the fact that it's a webcam pic probably does it more justice haha. I enjoyed myself and I've learned a lot by myself through trial and error. I painting it with the canvas flipped "upside down"... but then I couldn't decide which way I liked it... haha... I'll keep rotating it.

You're just a man, you get what you can

2009-01-09T00:30:16Z

There’s a dream that I see, I pray it can be
Look cross the land, shake this land
A wish or a command
I Dream that I see, don’t kill it, it’s free
You’re just a man, you get what you can

We all do what we can
So we can do just one more thing
We can all be free
Maybe not in words
Maybe not with a look
But with your mind

Listen to me, don’t walk that street
There’s always an end to it
Come and be free, you know who I am
We’re just living people

We won’t have a thing
So we’ve got nothing to lose
We can all be free
Maybe not with words
Maybe not with a look
But with your mind

You’ve got to choose a wish or command
At the turn of the tide, is withering thee
Remember one thing, the dream you can see
Pray to be, shake this land

We all do what we can
So we can do just one more thing
We won’t have a thing
So we’ve got nothing to lose
We can all be free
Maybe not with words
Maybe not with a look
But with your mind

But with your mind

__dead_wings__ @ 2009-01-06T18:04:00

2009-01-06T23:05:29Z

I just spend about $350 on textbooks for my second semester. It's less than I spent first term, but still.

Ow :(

Monday January 5th, 2009

2009-01-05T16:51:34Z

I can't believe how many cream-cheese and cucumber bagels I've had in the past week. I'm going to go make another one right now... I think I'm hooked.

Today is the first day back to classes in semester two. I've already had my first Introduction to Western Philosophical Texts class. I think I'll like it. Later tonight I have World Religion; we'll be starting in on Western religion after having done Eastern religion last semester. Until 6:30pm I have any empty apartment. Right now I'm just thinking about cream cheese and watching the Sunday Night Sex Show. There was a woman that was just on who had been with her partner for 7 years and never had an orgasm with him... which sucks but it's hard for some women (including myself)... but the worst thing was, that he wasn't affectionate to her at all... never cuddled her or touched her during the day... and then for sex there was no foreplay, kissing, touching etc.... he never went down on her... if there was any oral it would be for him only... and he would never last long during sex. He watched a lot of porn and was distant for her............ it was so sad listening to her on the phone because she sounded so beaten down and unhappy with herself. That just killed me.

Today is the first day for Brian and I in our new 'routine'. This semester will be different from last now that he has his work permit and is working. I get to see him in the morning (and will get to, unless he decides to leave early)... And then I won't see him during the day until he comes home at 8-9. Nights that I have a night class I won't see him until 10 or so. Hmm... it's quite a big change for us since July-January he's been home all the time when I came home from classes. I think it's good to have a bit of space for us though. It'll give me a chance to paint, write etc... and just have a bit of time to myself. I'm looking forward to seeing him for dinner for our little date :)

painting

2009-01-05T05:24:59Z

While I was at home this weekend, I went with my mom and brother to the art store to pick up some supplies. I've never attempted painting before because i figured I was no good at it... I always just assumed that my brother had 'inheritted' my mother's skills with drawing, painting, etc... and that I should stick to my writing, music, and photography.

I've been in a really big creative slump for the past year... which seems like forever. It really is a long time to go without any sort of real outlet. I just started feeling like I was really mediochre at a lot of things, rather than being really good at one thing. It's not about being the best at something - it's about enjoying what you are doing and recieving some sort of outcome, whether it be a release, a connection, etc. I think it just was another reason to be apathetic towards any form of expression. This apatheia was in addition to my lack of space, time, etc... I just got distracted by the start of uni, being in a relationship (getting married, moving into my first apartment, bills etc).

But then I realize I've really got to reclaim something in myself that has been lost along with my desire to to create art in some form. I also realized I've been putting myself down by saying that I just didn't inherit the painting 'gene'. I KNOW that I can't draw... or at least yet... but I realized that I've never really tried abstract art seriously........... and that painting in general is a venue I've NEVER explored. What a shame.

So I went to Curry's and spent a bunch of money (that I don't really have), picking out some acrylic paints, a brush, and some cheap canvas boards with the help of my mom and brother, which was cool. They're really supportive of it.

So now I'm going to wait until Brian is at work.... then spread out a plastic bath curtain on the floor, put some music on, clear the coffee table out of the way, open the curtains, take off my socks, roll up my pants, and just DO. I would say try, but I'm going to try not to try. I don't want to look up techniques, or how to's... I want to have no clue what I'm doing and just let it happen. I've been told that I can just paint ovr my canvas with white and start again if I don't like it.

Worst comes to worse, I'll just have to buy a tub of white paint and a paint-roller. haha

__dead_wings__ @ 2009-01-03T17:26:00

2009-01-03T22:37:19Z

Yay I love my locks!

1 Year old on January 7th

x

2008

2008-12-21T06:55:49Z

I've been pretty reflective lately. I've been thinking a lot about the past year, as I'm sure a lot of people are doing.

Hmm, what has happened to me?

- I got dreads in January
- Married in March
- Went on a honeymoon
- Graduated high school
- Started Uni
- Found my love for Peace Studies
- Moved into my first apartment
- Learned what it's like to pay rent, buy my own food, etc
- Was broke!
- Got my septum pierced :)
- Got my first tattoo (with my mom)
- Kept my best friend
- Got in touch with an old friend
- read things and learned things that lit my soul on fire
- felt liberated for the first time
- discovered my love for philosophy
- Brought home a little barn kitten :)
- rescued 2 little kitties from the side of the road
- kept one of the little kitties and found her a good home
- Became closer with my brother, sister, and parents
- Visited my parent's house as a visitor for the first time
- Felt sexually empowered for the first time
- Stopped dying my hair with chemicals
- Felt grounded to the Earth
- Realized that I know nothing
- shed layers of ignorance on religion and realized that God DOES exist for those who believe
- Recognize myself not as an athiest, but as agnostic
- Realized that I can be selfish sometimes
- learned to really think outside of the box

At the end of it all ... I feel like I could explode out of my own skin... I often feel like a captive in my own body. I think that this sensation is born out of frustration. I'm trying to learn how to live in my own body in a way that allows me to live out of body, if that makes sense. Or, in essence, I'm trying to live in a way that allows me to do everything I want to do, and allows me to feel everything I want to feel while being aware of it all and not feeling restricted. I hope that this is possible.

I might add to this list later on.

Peace and love to any and all who stumble upon this x

__dead_wings__ @ 2008-12-14T18:25:00

2008-12-14T23:26:46Z

__dead_wings__ @ 2008-12-07T02:19:00

2008-12-07T07:30:26Z

I'm doing anything BUT studying for the history exam that I have on Monday. I really need to. I'm not even sure what time period of history my exam is on ! Haha... oh man. That's bad... I know that it's History of the Americas - Beginning of the Colonial Period to end of the Colonial period (1888 to be exact, for this course anyways)... but when does it begin?!?! Not sure. Note to self: figure this out tomorrow.

Today was pretty uneventful... I studied for my Religious Studies exam, and then wrote it at 7:30pm. Someone decided to ring the fire alarm in the complex where I was writing, but they wouldn't "let us" leave. Some people looked pissed, some people looked stressed, and then some people, including myself, were just laughing at the situation. We sat for 20 minutes with the fire alarm on, trying to write. The first twenty minutes was "beeeep, beeeeep, beeeep" etc... and then the second half of that time was a constant beep. I was sitting right next to the bell on the wall. We got 20 extra minutes and I was able to finish in time. I think that I did pretty well for that one. One less thing to worry about.

Three more exams to go - History of the Americas, Global History of the 20th Century, and Peace Studies. I've got a lovely book for my Peace Studies class that I think I'm going to hop into bed to read.

My hands have been looking really... blue lately... which is kind of wierd. Not right now... but when they're cold they turn really white and my knuckles turn blue, which they didn't used to do. At least I don't think so.

I'm really looking forward to buying a camera now. Brian's been encouraging me so that I can go out with him to take pics. I'll get a Canon EOS D40. Maybe if I get some money I'll do that for myself after Xmas. His parents have mentioned buying me a camera but I think that's way too extravagent of a gift. They are such kind people! But I really hope that they don't get me anything very big (they won't settle for getting me nothing). Brian is quite sour about the fact that I've only played the bass he got for my last birthday a few times. I've been in this uncreative rut for over a year now almost - and one time we were sitting on the couch and I was just ranting and I said "Maybe I just need a new instrument or something... something fresh to try out... like a bass or something..." He took that an ran... and bought me a really nice bass :o But I really haven't felt like playing anything for the longest time - and I really don't think the bass suits me..... I feel very badly about it, but at the same time, I was only kind of thinking out loud and musing over it, so he probably shouldn't have bought it for me. Though, he is so extremely sweet for trying to help me out. I am just very all over the place.

Okay, nite.