Sooo fuckin Sad

Ok. I guess I just created this account not for entertainement purposes, but only to write down my thoughts and feelings. What better way to do it since I'm pretty much always on the computer. Oh..God. I guess I can start by saying what happened this weekend. I spent the whole weekend with the love of my life. I went to Bakersfield, to pick her up and we went to San Bernardino and just cuddled with each other the whole weekend. It's was so great. But the thing is..I have a bad attitude and sometimes i'm really jelous for abosolutley no reason. Maybe I should just tell the whole story. Ok... then... I called Nikki's job on Friday just to tell her that I love her and I am on my wayto come pick her up. Mind you it takes 2-21/2 hours to get there, considering the 405 freeway traffic. The bitch that picks up the phone(her co-worker) cops a fucking attitude and hangs up the damn phone on me. So, I'm heated and fucking upset. About an hour later, I pick up my homegirl Sade and we go to Bakersfield. Like I said it takes about 2 hours to get there. We didnt get there until about 2:45 p.m. So I go up to the Pretzel shop where she works at and I ask the lil Mexican girl if Nikki is there and she says she's in the back counting money. So I asked her if she can tell Nikki that I'm there. She said OK. I went about my business and waited for her to get off at 3:30. I then told Nikki I want to fuck her ass up. Nikki's like "Okay...whatever" So the girl was waiting for me outside back out of her job. Word's were exchanged and she put her hand in my face. So I slapped the shit out of her and left with Sade. Then we went about our weekend. When we come back to Bakersfield, Nikki calls her job and speaks to her manager. The manager tells her that she is going to be suspended. From then on I have just been feeling really bad. Sometimes I feel like I just dont deserve her. I love this girl more than anything in this world and I dont think she knows that. I tell her how much I love her and most of the time, it feels like it just goes in through one ear and out the other. Know I dont even know if I can be with her now only because of this anger that I have within and how stupidI have been latley. Not only did I jepodize her job, but I made a complete idiot of myself and I feel beyond horrible. I feel like the gay life is so much harder than the straight life, I swear. I just dont think we can be together. At least not right now. I am causing so much bad to her then I am good. I know her feelings have changes about me, and I just have to accept it. Besides, I have other thing to worry about; i.e.:nursing program. She has all of these people in her ear talking about she should break up with me and all of this other shit. But hey we cant have all of what we want huh?!