A lot to carry

chapters @ 2010-08-18T20:55:00

2010-08-19T00:55:20Z

I will not dread tomorrow.
I will not let this situation get the best of me.
I will not let this get me down anymore.

I will be proactive.
I will think positively.
I will not let the past dictate my future.
I will look to the future and enjoy the present.

I will trust.
I will not jump to conclusions.
I will listen.
I will not be quick to anger.
I will be placid.
I will keep my cool.

I will stop being laxadaisical.
I will take charge of my life.

I really don't know love at all.

2010-07-06T20:50:10Z

I don't even want to be by myself right now. It hurts too much still. It's all too fresh. How did I get here? How did it come to this? I never thought I'd be this broken.

chapters @ 2009-06-24T01:12:00

2009-06-24T05:17:03Z

Today.

Cataloging-

1. Happy Together--The Turtles
2. Do Wah Diddy--Manfred Mann
3. Help Yourself--Tom Jones
4. You've Got a Friend--James Taylor

chapters @ 2009-06-23T09:22:00

2009-06-23T13:31:10Z

Dear Me,

Next time you want crash a wedding, at the very least, remember to turrn your headlights off. This will save you the complete agony of having to ask other guests to give you a jump while you're trying to make a clean and inconspicuous getaway.

It will probably make it less obvious that you're there to the person whose wedding you're crashing. This is key, so drama doesn't ensue and so you don't get beat up, and burnt by cigarettes.

Get your act together.

From,
Me

chapters @ 2009-06-05T00:08:00

2009-06-05T04:18:17Z

It's time to stop being a fat ass. 123.6. Seriously? When did that happen? I've gained like 8 pounds in a week. Disfuckingusting. Run. Run. Run. Stop eating out 84 times a day. Detox starts.

I have to finish the dishes. Stellar. I'm beat.

Going to Charlotte for School #17 Flower City Planting Day in the morning. I should walk the pier while I'm there. And take my journal. We shall see.

chapters @ 2009-06-03T23:28:00

2009-06-04T03:45:25Z

Today's Events:

(-) Being woken up by work
(+) Going to Tully's for lunch
(+) Miniature Golfing
(+) 2 hour nap
(+) Run
(-) Ipod being stolen out of my car while it was sitting in my driveway
(+) Clean room
(+) No jury duty tomorrow

edit
(+) my loser ass sister took my Ipod.

Disregard this paragraph:

Good day. I'm livid about my Ipod being stolen. There was a hacky sack outside of my car, so at least they left something in it's place. I hate my neighbors. I'm not pissed so much about the fact that my Ipod is gone. Like, it sucks because now I don't have anything to listen to when I run and drive and stuff. It's the fact that 2 years worth of music, 2 years worth of memories, 2 years worth of bonding is gone. If I see my neighbors jamming out on a pink Ipod I'm going to go all Liam Neeson-Taken on their asses, literally.

That movie is bad ass. I never thought I'd consider Liam Neeson hot, but that did the trick.

Anyway, I passed my classes. D in Income Tax. C- in Intermediate 2. Good job. Way to over achieve this semester. I'm disappointed in myself. Hopefully they're transferable.

chapters @ 2009-05-26T21:44:00

2009-05-27T02:05:16Z

Sinead O'Connor- Nothing Compares to You: I love the amount of emotion that is gradually eminent as she sings this.  It moved me to tears.

So, I need to refocus and put things into perspective:

1) I finally need to get around to cleaning my room. It's literally been a mess since my birthday...over a month ago.  I know that it's been since my birthday because I still have birthday gift bags scattered everywhere.

I also have like 4 weeks of clean clothes to transfer into my dresser. I need to purge my dresser of all the clothes I don't wear. And I need to tag all of the clothes I think that I wear but don't with dates so I can go through my dresser again in a couple months and get rid of them for good.

2)  I've decided that my body is on a detox walk over Glendale Park, over sidewalk chalk someone wrote in red, "start over". Starting tonight, after I binged on Union Hill spaghetti. I need to get back into running. I need to stop consuming garbage. I feel like crap and I'm getting fat, again.

3) I need to get my act together with school. I refuse to check my grades because I did poorly. I didn't apply myself at all. Good job.

Anyway, while I was driving up to camp Sunday night, I started thinking about my life, and how if I got into a car accident and died I would never be able to tell the people I care about, what they meant to me. So, because I'm paranoid, and I feel like tragedy is going to strike me young, sometimes, I'm writing letters to the people who have touched my life and have shaped me into the way I am. Then I am going to put them in my glove compartment, so I'll be able to convey that to them. It's not premeditated. I'm not planning on doing this then driving myself off a bridge or anything like that. I just want to be thoughtful.

chapters @ 2009-05-22T20:57:00

2009-05-23T01:20:33Z

Note to self: Next time you want to let selfish assholes, who have a complete lack of regard for people, back into your life because you think they've changed, do yourself a favor, and save yourself the hurt, and tell them to fuck off. You'll thank me for this advice a couple weeks down the road when promises have been broken, and you've been lied to, and you're blamed for the whole thing because you weren't understanding, and you gave too many ultimatums.

Funny thing is, I would have understood if I would have been given the chance to.

Note to him: There's so much I want to say about how much of a shitty person you are, and, believe me, you more than deserve to hear it, but I digress. You don't care enough about yourself to be the person you want to be, so you won't care at all about what I have to say.

Just know this, I knew Monday that you would blow me off on Wednesday. It's so true to your character that I just accepted it, even though I wanted you to show me differently. I wasn't surprised by that at all. What I was surprised about was that on Wednesday, after you had decided to blow me off, I saw you at Wegmans with your friends, well before you even saw me. I was 5 feet away from you at the Redbox next to yours. I didn't say anything to you, not because I didn't have plenty to say, but because I have class and I didnt want to publicly air how much of a tool you are to all of Wegmans. You, on the other hand, ran away like a fucking coward.

And, in that moment, it occured to me that, that you're a sorry excuse for a human being, and that you don't have as much guts as you think you do. At least I sucked up my issues with you and still went to rent a movie, knowing fully well that you'd be there when I got there. You couldn't even handle being there, and that is sad.

I hope that you regret the choices you've made in regard to me for the rest of your life. You will never get another chance from me, and I hope that it eats at you. I deleted you, virtually, from my life, and I don't want you back in it. Crystal may be your best friend and you may love spending time with her, but I don't see her wanting you the way that I wanted you. You're going to be lonely for the rest of your life because she'll get married and have kids, and she may even move on from you, and if that happens, you'll be completely alone. And when that day comes, I just want you to know that you deserve it. You absolutely deserve it.

Posted using LJ Talk...

2009-05-11T04:38:45Z

I get to see my dear, sweet Shawny soon. It's been way too long. I miss him terribly sometimes.

chapters @ 2009-05-07T22:00:00

2009-05-08T03:26:40Z

Lemon potato's: check.
Pepsi: check.
This equates to the best meal of all time...at least at 10 on a Thursday night after work. I don't know why I don't get these more often.

There is a random copy of Webster Schroeder Presents: Beauty and the Beast from April 02, 2009, at my house. Bizarre. I don't know where it came from. As if I need yet another reminder in this town of how things never came to fruition. Geez, what am I even talking about? I knew it wouldn't. I hoped it would, but deep down I knew that things wouldn't be different. That still doesnt take away the sting of it all, though.

I can't believe it's only 11:11. This day is passing so slowly.

I don't think it's unhinged of me to care about people. I may not care about politics, and the corrupt inner workings of the government, and American Idol, but I can say that I care about people, and having meaningful relationships with them, and being kind to them, because that's the least I can do. If that means that I'm naive, and that I'm missing out on the bigger picture, which supposedly is that nothing matters because we're all going to fall into the black abyss in three years, then so be it. I can deal with that. At least I gave a damn about something while I was here.

This post doesn't flow well whatsoever.

Welcome back, me.

Posted using LJ Talk...

2009-01-18T03:22:24Z

i'm trying out this whole jabber thing

Hello, Love.

2006-01-02T06:19:47Z

This night's a perfect shade of dark blue, dark blue.
^mmm Jacks Mannequin...I cannot get enough.

Trip to the zoo tomorrow! I'm wicked excited! Very Rocky and Adrienne.

I feel like when I update this thing it's meaningless.
Maybe I don't have as much to talk about anymore.
Maybe I dont want to talk about whats going on in my life in here anymore because I have something better.

I think this entry will be one of the last few.
My New Year resolution:
Don't update this deal...it's tedious and pointless.

I really only use it to reap the benefits of the kh community...which is divine!

Anyway, being home this time has made me realize something...
I don't want to go back to school in a week...at all.
I don't want to go back to school next year or the year after that.
I want to do this year and be done and move on to different things with my life.
It's really time I stop screwing around and decide where I want my life to go.
Good thing I have the next four months to think about it.

I miss the girl that I used to be, but I like the girl that I've become.
I think that what I'm really looking for is a mixture of both of them.
I shouldn't try to stifle who I am and what I feel and believe just because of the structured rule system that I am currently under.

chapters @ 2005-12-26T02:01:00

2005-12-26T07:14:15Z

Mmm, good day, good night.

I have really bad posture.

I love putting on new socks!

Christmas last night and today was good. I'm really blessed to have my family. I got to see Taylor. I missed that boy a lot.
Christmas tomorrow will be good too :).

At some point tomorrow before 1:10 I have a date with my dad of watching The Wiz. When he and my mom were separated and I would visit my dad in Michigan we would always watch it. Good times.

I think I'm dying my hair dark brown, or black. We'll see.

chapters @ 2005-12-24T02:22:00

2005-12-24T07:25:55Z

It's funny sometimes that even after your life moves on without people because they move away, when you see them again, everything that you've done, and everywhere your life has taken you immediately is dropped and goes back to that point before that person left.

Today, I found myself in a daze for 25 minutes because of this very topic. This daze was followed by a rush of emotions...tears, happiness, excitement, all of which I tried very hard to stifle as I know that nothing is the same, even though things have been brought back to that point.

It was definitely good to see them again though.

chapters @ 2005-12-23T12:08:00

2005-12-23T17:09:16Z

So much for never seeing him again...
I'm disappointed.

chapters @ 2005-12-23T00:47:00

2005-12-23T05:56:31Z

Sometimes I hate reminscing so much. I don't know why I do.
With that being said, I'd like to go to Webster Park sometime soon and just sit and be there taking it all in. That place used to put me at ease like nobody's business. I miss it.

I'm tired all the time now again. I shouldn't allow myself to get like this. It's that kind of walking around half alive things. I shouldn't always experience half of the world.

I've had Rent stuck in my head for the past 12 days.

Ni called me tonight. I love that girl. I miss her.

I'm feeling one of those girly moments coming on.

The world feels so dark a lot of the time.
I'm struggling.
I can't fall into it again.
I need to stay focused.

A new year is soon. New years equal new beginnings, though I don't see much of anything becoming differently right now. Maybe I'm not being optimistic enough.

Scatterbrained...again...surprisingly not surprising.
I need to draw.

chapters @ 2005-12-22T14:38:00

2005-12-22T19:39:49Z

That first picture of the wing...definitely am getting that on my back but having the image reversed so i can get the same on the other side as well.

Naturally it's going to need to be altered as my back isnt huge and it will be wrapping around my sides, but im getting it.

chapters @ 2005-12-19T23:25:00

2005-12-20T04:26:37Z

I think that I'm going to rework my entire wardrobe to that of vintage because let's just face it, today's clothing sucks...though its cute it's poorly made and everybody wears it.

Vintage it is.

106

2005-12-19T21:50:00Z

Supposedly if you've seen over 70, you have no life. Number the ones you've seen. Put your score in header and repost.

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show
(x) Grease
(x) Pirates of the Caribbean
() Boondock Saints
(x) The Mexican
(x) Fight Club
() Starsky and Hutch
(x) Neverending Story
(x) Blazing Saddles
() Airplane
Section 1: 7/10

(x) The Princess Bride
() Young Frankenstien
(x) AnchorMan: The Legend of Ron Burgandy
(x) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Saw
() White Noise
(x) White Oleander
(x) Anger Management
(x) 50 First Dates
() Jason X
Section 2: 7/10

(x) Scream
(x) Scream 2
(x) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie
(x) Scary Movie 2
(x) Scary Movie 3
(x) American Pie
(x) American Pie 2
() American Wedding
() Harry Potter
Section 3: 9/10

() Harry Potter 2
() Harry Potter 3
() Harry Potter 4
() Resident Evil I
(x) Resident Evil 2
(x) The Wedding Singer
(x) Little Black Book
(x) The Village
(x) Donnie Darko
(x) Lilo & Stitch
Section 4: 6/10

(x) Finding Nemo
(x) Finding Neverland
() 13 Ghosts
(x) Signs
(x) The Grinch
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre
(x)White Chicks
(x) Butterfly Effect
() Thirteen Going on 30
(x) I, Robot
Section 5: 8/10

(x) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
() Universal Soldier
(x) A Series Of Unfortunate Events
(x) Along Came Polly
(x) Deep Impact
(x) KingPin
(x) Never Been Kissed
(x) Meet The Parents
(x) Meet the Fockers
() Eight Crazy Nights
Section 6: 8/10

(x) A Cinderella Story
() the Terminal
(x) the Lizzie McGuire Movie
(x) Passport to Paris
(x) Dumb & Dumber
(x) Dumb & Dumberer
(x) Final Destination
(x) Final Destination 2
(x) Halloween
(x) The Ring
Section 7: 9/10

() The Ring 2
(x) Harold & Kumar Get the Munchies (H&K go to white castle)
(x) Practical magic
(x) Chicago
() Ghost Ship
(x) From Hell
()Hellboy
(x) Secret Window
(x) I Am Sam
() The Whole Nine Yards
Section 8: 7/10

() The Day After Tomorrow
() Child's Play
() Bride of Chucky
(x) Ten Things I Hate About You
(x) Just Married
(x) Gothika
() Nightmare on Elm Street
(x) Sixteen Candles
() Coach Carter
() Bad Boys
Section 9: 4/10

() Bad Boys 2
() Joy Ride
(x) Se7en
(x) Oceans eleven
(x) Ocean's Twelve
() Identity
() Lone Star
() Bedazzled
() Predator I
()Predator II
Section 10: 3/10

(x) Independence Day
() Cujo
() A Bronx Tale
(x) Darkness Falls
() Christine
(x) ET
(x)Children of the Corn
(x) My Boss' daughter
(x) Maid in manhattan
() Frailty
Section 11: 6/10

() Best Bet
(x) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
(x) She's All That
() Calendar girls
() Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks
() Event Horizon
(x) Ever After
(x) Forrest Gump
() Big Trouble in Little China
Section 12: 5/10

()X-Men
() X-2
() Jeepers Creepers
() Jeepers Creepers 2
(x) Catch Me If You Can
(x) The Others
(x) Freaky Friday
() Reign of Fire
(x) Cruel Intentions
() The Hot Chick
Section 13: 3/10

(x) Swimfan
() Miracle
(x) Old School
(x) The Notebook
() K-Pax
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
(x) Walk to Remember
(x) Boogeyman
Section 14: 8/10

(x) Hitch
() The Fifth Element
() Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace
() Star Wars Episode II Attack of The Clones
(x) Star Wars Episode III Revenge of The Sith
(x) Star Wars Episode IV A New Hope
(x) Star Wars Episode V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Episode VI Return of The Jedi...
(x) Troop Beverly Hills
() Swimming with Sharks
Section 15: 6/10

(x) Air Force One
() For Richer or Poorer
() Trainspotting
() People Under the Stairs
() Blue Velvet
(x) Sound of Music
(x) Parent Trap (new)
()Parent Trap (old)
() The Burbs
() The Terminator
Section 16: 3/10

(x) Empire Records
(x) SLC Punk
(x) Meet Joe Black
(x) Nightmare Before Christmas
(x) The Silence of the Lambs
(x) Sleepy Hollow
() I Heart Huckabees
() 24 Hour Party People
() Blood In Blood Out
(x) The Virgin Suicides
section17: 7/10

Total: 106/170

wow.

chapters @ 2005-11-25T16:22:00

2005-11-25T21:23:32Z

A lot to carry

__chapters__ @ 2010-08-18T20:55:00

I really don't know love at all.

__chapters__ @ 2009-06-24T01:12:00

__chapters__ @ 2009-06-23T09:22:00

__chapters__ @ 2009-06-05T00:08:00

__chapters__ @ 2009-06-03T23:28:00

__chapters__ @ 2009-05-26T21:44:00

__chapters__ @ 2009-05-22T20:57:00

Posted using LJ Talk...

__chapters__ @ 2009-05-07T22:00:00

Posted using LJ Talk...

Hello, Love.

__chapters__ @ 2005-12-26T02:01:00

__chapters__ @ 2005-12-24T02:22:00

__chapters__ @ 2005-12-23T12:08:00

__chapters__ @ 2005-12-23T00:47:00

__chapters__ @ 2005-12-22T14:38:00

__chapters__ @ 2005-12-19T23:25:00

106

__chapters__ @ 2005-11-25T16:22:00

chapters @ 2010-08-18T20:55:00

chapters @ 2009-06-24T01:12:00

chapters @ 2009-06-23T09:22:00

chapters @ 2009-06-05T00:08:00

chapters @ 2009-06-03T23:28:00

chapters @ 2009-05-26T21:44:00

chapters @ 2009-05-22T20:57:00

chapters @ 2009-05-07T22:00:00

chapters @ 2005-12-26T02:01:00

chapters @ 2005-12-24T02:22:00

chapters @ 2005-12-23T12:08:00

chapters @ 2005-12-23T00:47:00

chapters @ 2005-12-22T14:38:00

chapters @ 2005-12-19T23:25:00

chapters @ 2005-11-25T16:22:00