Entry tags:

avenged sevenfold

Individuating From Gregor Samsa
Avenged Sevenfold. Brian/Zacky. ~5040 words.

Genderswap. So fair warning: het and girlparts.

For ogodthe. I love her and she supports my crack habit. Brian in this is for her.

author's note: This used to be titled as part one of a series called Five Things That Never Happened To Zacky Baker. I finally realized the rest of the parts would probably never be done to the extent that this one is, so it's been retitled. Kafka!

it belongs to the imperfection of everything human that man can only attain his desire by passing through its opposite.
-- søren kierkegaard

"C'mon, Zack, it's not that bad."

Matt's leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, talking to the bathroom door. He's also very carefully trying not to laugh and hopes Zacky can't hear it in his voice. He's already dealt with two major melt downs this morning and it's only eight. He really doesn't want to go through another one just because Zacky might be right and Matt probably is being a 'fucking insensitive ass.'

Granted, waking up and finding out you've somehow turned into a girl overnight is probably justified cause for freaking out, but still. Eight in the goddamn morning.

Matt's not nearly awake enough for this, and the whole thing is actually kind of funny when it's not being really completely fucking weird.

"All I said was that I thought you had nice tits. It was a compliment."

The door jerks open a crack, enough so Matt can see the corner of a mouth, longish, unruly bangs, and one very pissed off green eye. Zacky's face hasn't changed much, just sharpened in some places and softened in others, but his hair's a little longer, choppy in the back with longer, softer bangs around his face. Somehow it's an even darker, glossy black now. His neck is thinner, graceful-looking, and it makes his jaw line stand out sharp and tight and smooth, shows off the gauge of his ears. Zacky's nose is pretty much the same, but with everything else, his mouth and his eyebrows, both of which Matt has always thought were on the pretty side anyway, it really doesn't take away from how hot he is.

He's a tight little thing now, all well-placed curves and a pretty killer rack. Matt's man enough to admit what he likes, and forget about it, Zack's a babe. This had more or less caused Melt Down Number Two which had followed very soon after Melt Down Number One, when Zacky had gotten a good look at himself and realized that he had a vagina and everything.

The half a face staring at Matt snarls and Zacky pokes a finger through the door.

"The fact that I even have tits to compliment makes this about a million light years beyond bad, Sanders, so don't you fucking start." The door shuts again.

Zacky's never had a terribly deep voice and it's only barely deep enough now to let him pass as himself if you couldn't see him. Matt's still trying not to laugh.

He finally says, "All right, I'll just go get Brian and see if he--" and the door flies fully open, and even standing there in old, too-big boxers and the t-shirt he woke up in, it's obvious Zacky's changed. His nicely-shaped calves are tattooed and smooth, all the way up his thighs until they disappear into the underwear he's currently having to bunch and hold up at his waist. Matt can see the outline of Zacky's breasts under his shirt, perky and round and just the right size. Insanely he notices Zacky's nipples are hard, and finds himself realizing what a guy he is because his best friend is a girl and this is beyond crazy and somewhere above it all he's still kind of thinking about what Zacky's breasts would feel like if he slipped a hand under his shirt and cupped one in his hand.

Matt thinks they'll have to get Zacky some new clothes, preferably shapeless and non-form-fitting. A bra, at least.

"Don't," Zacky says quickly. "Matt, fucking don't."

Matt blinks and looks at his face. He looks close to tears and Matt thinks it's maybe not so funny anymore. He sighs. "They're going to find out. I mean, you know that, right? They have to know, Zack."

Zacky stomps a bare foot on the bathroom tile, a fist clenched at his side. "Why? Why does anybody have to know?"

Matt closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. "As much as they love to prove me wrong on this, they aren't retarded. First look anybody gets of you they're going to know something's up. I mean this," he gestures to Zacky's general form, "isn't exactly subtle."

Zacky's shoulders hunch and he looks down at himself sheepishly, pulling the fabric away from his chest. "This is so fucked up."

Matt lets out a breath. Hearing him admit to the fucked up-ness of the situation doesn't make it any less so, but he isn't yelling and slamming doors anymore, so that's something at least. "Tell me about it."

They stand like that for a few more minutes in silence until Matt can't help himself anymore and ventures, cautiously, "You do have an awesome body, though."

Zacky hurls a bottle of shampoo at Matt's head before he slams the door again.

-

Matt leaves Zacky in the bathroom and goes out for coffee, and after the guys wake up and he gets everyone in one place and properly caffeinated, he explains what's going on. Or at least he tries to, but it's still too early for anyone to process much above basic motor functions, and how does someone even go about explaining a thing like this anyway? So he just puts it as plainly as he knows how:

"So, okay. Zacky's kind of a chick--"

At which point Matt's plan promptly falls apart.

Jimmy just says, "Well fucking duh," and Johnny starts in on how he knew Zacky was the bitch, and Brian just says that he should tell that to Zacky because he would probably punch Johnny in the face.

Right in the middle of it, Zacky decides to storm into the room and tackle Johnny, only he still hasn't adjusted to how less-bulky he is and Johnny flips him over easily, accidentally elbows him in the tit in the process. Zacky yelps, Johnny jerks away like he's been burned, and Matt rubs a hand over his face and wonders how he ever thought this would be a good idea.

He gets everyone separated and calmed down eventually, Johnny staring at the wall, Zacky sulking on the floor, gently rubbing the side of his chest.

"Okay," he tries again, gesturing widely at Zacky to prove his point. "Zacky's a girl."

Then there's questions of how and when and have you tried anything out yet, most of which get a how the fuck should I know or fuck you answer from Zacky, and after Johnny stops looking so catatonic they decide first things first, the girl needs some clothes.

It's annoying to go on tour and realize you've forgotten something you wanted to bring. It's possibly even more annoying to realize that when you thought you were packing something of yours, what you find out a couple of states later is you actually packed something of your significant other's by mistake. Matt can't remember how many times he's pulled out baby doll shirts from his bag and wished he'd looked at his stuff first instead of throwing in random wads of clothing. About a week ago, though, he remembers, he'd found one of Val's bras wrapped up with a pair of his boxers.

It isn't an awfully good fit on Zacky but it works well enough that it'll do until, well. Matt doesn't want to think about the long-term with this, the unavoidable topic of what if this is actually permanent, but the bra, it'll do for now. They've got that under control at least.

Zacky won't put it on at first, obstinately refuses and says it's not like he'll be going out in anything less than three layers of shirts and a hoodie anyway, even though it's the middle of the summer. He gives in, though, when Brian says loudly from across the room that Zack had better, or every guy that looked at him was going to get the shit knocked of him. It's a little bit small so it gives Zacky some cleavage, though really, he doesn't need the help, but Matt's always thought chest pieces look better on girls when they have a little extra on top. The bottom of the skull dips in between the swell of Zacky's pale breasts, the wings spreading out over his now-visible collar bones, and Matt has to make himself look away while Zacky adjusts himself.

He takes one of Jimmy's shirts and a pair of Johnny's jeans because they're the most likely to fit between them and disappears back into the bathroom to change. He comes out while the four of them are trying to figure out how exactly they're going to pull this off.

"So?" Matt hears, and turns, and looks, and forgets anything he's thought about in the past year or so.

He can see Zacky's new body even better now, how curvy and small he is. Johnny's jeans are a little baggy, but they ride low and Zacky's hips fill them out so they sit just under his hip bones and curve around his ass. Somehow he looks even better now that he's wearing a bra, and he's filling out Jimmy's shirt to the point that there's little lines of fabric stretching in between his breasts. Zacky's still got his sleeves though his arms are smaller now, all his piercings, and his hair looks messy in a deliberate kind of way.

Matt's got to mentally pick his jaw up off the floor and make himself think about his rail-thin, blonde girlfriend instead.

It's only a little gratifying when he looks around and sees the rest of the guys are kind of in the same boat. Johnny's mouth actually is hanging open a little, eyes wide, and Jimmy smirks approvingly. Brian's face is blank.

"Well somebody fucking say something," Zacky says. Normally it would sound snotty or mean, but right now he just looks embarrassed. Matt thinks it's kind of cute on him.

"Dude," Johnny says. "Dude, you're hot."

"Yeah, when did that happen?" Jimmy says.

Brian says, "Shut up," and picks himself up off the bed, walks across the room and stops in front of Zacky. He hesitates, reaches down and fingers Zacky hair, rolling the strands against his thumb, and finally reaches around the back of his neck and pulls him into a kiss.

Matt's considered the relationship before. To say he thinks they're maybe a thing or at least having sex wouldn't be too far from the truth; they live on top of each other for the better part of the year and Matt has ears. But assuming it and seeing it are very different things, and he's not even thinking about the girl situation right now because instead he's watching two of his best friends make out, and that's somehow a little weirder.

It's a testament to how monumentally fucked up the day actually is.

And really, aside from the hormonal explosion in his bathroom this morning there isn't much about Zacky that's changed now that he's a girl. From this angle it looks like Brian's kissing a really cute tomboy, but somehow knowing it's Zacky calms some of the commotion in Matt's head. If nothing else, if Brian isn't going to freak out over his boy switching genders, that's one less thing on his mind.

Now all he has to worry about it what the hell they're going to do with Zacky and the two zombies drooling over him.

"Dude." Matt pushes Jimmy over backwards by his face, steps over him and smacks Johnny sideways. "Put your fucking tongue back in your mouth, huh?"

The three of them don't even notice Zacky and Brian leave the room.

-

Brian falls back against the door and pulls Zacky with him. He pulls his mouth off Zacky's long enough to step back and get a good look at him. He pushes some of the hair out of Zack's face, tracing the arch of an eyebrow, down the slope of a cheek, and says, "This is so fucking cool."

"It's fucking fucked up, is what it is," Zacky says, but doesn't make any move to stop Brian's inspection of his face.

"Well, yeah, but." Brian can't stop touching, moves his hands into Zacky's hair and then back down to his face, his nose, the ring there, then his mouth, his neck. He smooths his hands out wide across Zacky's shoulders and his sternum, then touches the side swell of a breast, warm and soft against his hand. "It's kind of cool, too."

Zacky snorts and shakes his head. He's still trying to get used to all the new attributes, and the feeling of Brian's hands on his tits, of pressing them up against Brian's own solidly flat chest, is definitely bizarre but not altogether bad. He thinks that is probably not the thing to be focusing on right now, though.

"Yeah, well next time you can wake up without your dick and see how cool you think it is."

"Huh, yeah, multiple orgasms, the hell was I thinking."

"Shut up," Zacky mumbles, and kisses Brian just to get that stupid sarcastic smile off his face. "This really doesn't bother you?"

"Honestly?" Brian's lips move against Zacky's. "I'm surprised how much it isn't bothering you."

"I didn't say it didn't bother me. It's just kind of hard to care when you're groping me."

"Sorry." He's smiling and Zacky knows he isn't at all. He touches Zacky's hair again, the baby-soft pieces at the back of his neck, then slips his hands down over Zacky's hips. They're fuller, softer in his palms, but if he moves his thumbs up a little he can still brush them over the bones there. "Damn."

Zacky laughs and pushes himself closer. Brian tightens his hold only slightly and says, "Can I?"

He slides his rough palms over Zacky's waist and up his sides, under his t-shirt, pulls it off over his head. One of Zacky's arms goes around his stomach, trying to cover himself, and it's such a girl thing to do that Brian's heart warms a little to see it. Zacky looks smaller like this, vulnerable almost. Brian just wants to hold him, knows how easy it would be to do now, how tiny he is. He runs his hands over the color on Zacky's arms and then cups his chin and kisses him again.

"Stop it, you're gorgeous," he says, takes both of Zacky's arms and puts them around his own waist.

If he'd ever said that to Zack before he'd probably have gotten punched or laughed at or both. Moreover, Brian's never really wanted to say it before. It's not that Zack isn't attractive - Brian thinks he hasn't been this physically attracted to someone in a long time, guy or girl - or that he doesn't really love him. But mushy stuff and grand declarations of love aren't their style. The way he puts it in his own head, he'd take a bullet for any of these guys and he'd take one in the knee cap for Zacky. That's probably the closest he's ever gotten to an accurate way to describe the feeling.

Now, though, Zacky smaller and curvy and modest pressed up against him, Brian can't stop himself from saying things like that, and part of him feels guilty for only saying it now, but mostly he just likes being able to say it at all without feeling like a total faggot.

(He pushes that particular brand of guilt to the back of his mind and makes himself not touch it.)

Then Zacky's hands are working at the front of his jeans and Brian's letting his head fall back against the door. His pants and boxers are gone in one motion, Zack's down between his thighs being gentle as fuck, and Brian sighs and closes his eyes and doesn't think about anything but the feel of Zacky's small hands and the wet mouth on his dick.

-

Johnny is somewhere between hurt and horny, rubbing his cheek and giving Matt wounded looks, sat with his ear pressed up against the bathroom door. Eventually Matt gets fed up watching the kid reach down to adjust himself every time there's a muffled thump from the other side and throws his shoe at him. It hits Johnny squarely in the back.

"Motherfucker," he shouts and glares over his shoulder.

Matt, from his place reclining on the bed, says, "My God, just go jack off already, don't sit there like a pervert."

Johnny leaves the room and makes sure to do it as loudly as possible, Jimmy laughing after him.

Matt and Jimmy consider the whole situation. They very carefully stay away from how it actually happened because Matt isn't sure he can handle that thought right now, and because all Jimmy can offer is a very graphic description of what's involved in gender reassignment surgery, which doesn't help at all. Then he gets into some horrible existential shit about how Zacky's change is a possible physical manifestation of anxiety he has about the meaning of existence or the inevitability of death or something, and Matt stops him right there because, seriously, no.

"Man, don't go all deep and meaningful on me now. My brain's gonna explode."

"All I'm saying," Jimmy says, "is that freedom can be as much a philosophical concept as a political one. The amount of freedom a person experiences is directly related to the amount and degree of external restraint placed on them. Theoretically, getting rid of that restraint allows for personal liberation - mental, physical, whatever. Maybe this is just the universe's way of doing that for him."

Jimmy scratches behind an ear and looks thoughtful for a second. "Or something like that. I think I remember reading Kierkegaard in school once when I was high. Dude - Existentialism on acid? Trippy as shit." He gives Matt a wide-eyed look.

Sometimes Matt thinks Jimmy's brain would be a very scary place to be.

He waves a hand and tries to ignore it. "Whatever. What are we going to do about it?"

It's the question everyone's thinking but no one seems to have an answer to. Probably, Matt thinks, because they don't have the slightest fucking idea what's even going on in the first place. But it's happened and now there's just an overwhelming feeling of okay, we really need a Plan B.

Matt wonders aloud if it would be too obvious to have Zacky on stage, or if they'll have to get a replacement guitarist for now. Jimmy says if and when this girl thing ever wears off, Zacky would probably shank Matt's ass if he did that.

"But it's not because of him. People would probably just notice something like Zacky fucking Vengeance being a fucking girl." Matt gets an image of Brian leaning back on a 5'6" female version of Zacky who's half his frame now. He shakes his head. "It's not like he'd be replaced or anything, just on a break."

"Zacky wouldn't see it that way," Jimmy says. He's right and Matt knows it.

Jimmy throws out the idea of getting Val to come out for a week or two. She'd be able to hang out on tour for awhile, "which she's always bitching at you to do," he reminds Matt, and she could keep Zacky company and maybe help him out with all this emotional coping stuff better than they could.

"Plus," Jimmy says, "if you did want to get him off stage, giving him something else to keep him occupied probably wouldn't hurt."

"I don't think that would help." Not to mention it's giving Matt hard, fast, impure thoughts about his best friend and his girlfriend and some unbelievably hot girl-on-girl action, which he really doesn't need to think about and will in no way tell anyone, ever.

"Maybe it'll unfuck itself before we even have to deal with it." Jimmy shrugs. "Who knows."

Matt sighs.

-

Brian and Zacky don't come out of the bathroom for so long that Matt finally knocks and asks if they're okay. What he gets is banging and shuffling and bits of muffled conversation he can't understand, which he takes as a yes or at least that they haven't killed each other yet, which is something. The door opens and Brian comes out first, Zacky trailing behind him, both clothed and not suspiciously ruffled, smiling, and Matt watches them walk across the room, heading for the door. Brian's holding Zacky's hand at the small of his back.

"We're gonna go out for awhile," he says offhandedly, his other hand already on the knob.

Matt says, "What? No," and crosses his arms. It makes his biceps and shoulders strain against his t-shirt, and he hopes he looks a little threatening.

"C'mon, man, we've been in here all day."

"Yeah, and I'm fucking starving," Zacky says.

"Dude, you cannot go out. I just spent the better part of the day trying to figure out what to do when we have to be around other people, you can't just--" Matt looks at Zacky's face. "Are you wearing make-up?" He's got the red shadow Matt always sees on him, only it looks like more of it's on his eyelids than underneath, a little more subtle, and there's a line of black through his eyelashes. Zacky makes a kissy face and Matt sneers. "Goddamnit, you were planning to go out, fucker."

Brian shrugs. "Didn't think you'd mind."

"You didn't think I'd--" Matt closes his eyes and takes a breath and tries to push down the pounding in his head. "If you leave, we're going with you."

Brian lets go of Zacky's hand and steps closer, arms spread out in question. "Man, what the fuck?"

"Fuck you," Matt says. "If you assholes are gonna go out and get yourselves caught, we're at least going with you. We gotta protect our own, man."

"You make it sound like a fucking gang."

"It is a fucking gang--"

"So it's not okay for just me and Zack to go, but Shadows and the fucking Rev, that's inconspicuous. Great idea, man."

Matt levels a warning finger at him. "Fuck you, Haner."

"Could both of you please finish comparing dicks later and let's just fucking go already?"

Matt and Brian turn at the same time, and Zacky's standing there looking annoyed, his arms crossed over his chest and a hip cocked out, staring at them from under his bangs. Matt tries to remember if Zacky always sounded like a bitch when he got mad or if it's part of the girl thing. Johnny's come back in at some point to watch, and he and Jimmy just look really amused.

Whatever, Matt thinks, clenches his hands and shoves past them.

-

The entire walk to the bar, Brian keeps throwing up the Bloods sign and telling Matt they should all get matching bandannas.

Matt seriously considers just quitting this whole thing and maybe going into construction or something.

-

When they get there and Matt gets a couple drinks in him, he feels better; calm, at least. He sits in the back, elbows on the sticky table and a cold glass full of Jack Daniels pressed to his temple, and he watches.

It's an odd thing, he thinks, to watch two of your best friends this closely (the fact one of them was a guy 24 hours ago being not so much of a factor in his head right now). It's maybe even more odd to catch himself doing it and realize he's never watched other couples like this. Brian and Michelle, it was cute, yeah, and Matt was happy that two people he was so close to could be happy for a little while, but the whole thing was still kind of like a car wreck in slow motion; knowing it was going to end badly and watching it happen anyway and not being able to do anything about it.

But Matt never watched them like this. Part of it might be the assuming it verses seeing it thing again. Maybe it's knowing, still, that it's Zacky. Maybe he's just more buzzed than he thought. Matt isn't sure.

On the dance floor they're pretty much as close as they can be, Brian's got his arms around Zacky, his back bent slightly down and his face buried in Zacky's shoulder. Zacky's hands are completely lost in the mess of Brian's hair. If they're saying anything or just breathing, Matt can't tell, but he supposes it doesn't make a difference.

And Matt, he's seen Brian do this with Michelle (though he didn't watch), and he's seen Zacky do this with girls before, but he knows he's never seen them act this way with each other, ever.

Suddenly and kind of stupidly, he thinks there might be something to Jimmy's existential freedom shit after all.

-

Brian wakes up sometime in the early morning to a pale, naked back and a huge, red seven.

He nudges up behind Zacky, throws an arm over his small waist, loosely spoons with him. He presses his face into the back of his neck, into damp hair that smells like generic hotel shampoo and only slightly sweaty. Zacky makes a sleepy noise and shifts, and Brian kisses his neck. "Hey," he whispers.

Zacky sort of half-grunts, half-moans and shifts again, closer this time so his back is flush against Brian's front, Brian's dick bumping the back of his leg. Brian rubs against him, slow, tucks his hand under the sheet to run it over Zacky's thigh.

Zacky's wearing boxers and Brian's wearing nothing at all and thinking that is probably a slight injustice. He presses his mouth to Zacky's bare shoulder, and then Zacky rolls over onto his back, squinting up at Brian through a face half-covered in bed hair.

"Hey," Brian says again.

Zacky sort of smiles and then closes his eyes again. He stretches and leaves his arms over his head, and Brian notices the way it arches his back and pushes his breasts up higher. He remembers a couple of hours ago, after the bar, going down on him; how Zacky had panted and arched his back like that and come, rolling his hips up against Brian's tongue.

He's already hard thinking of it now, and he leans down and presses open-mouthed kisses to one of Zacky's breasts. Zacky sighs and then lets out a long breath when Brian sucks a nipple into his mouth. He slides a hand down over the small outward curve of Zacky's belly and into his boxers, slipping a finger in. Zack's already wet and so hot. He moans and moves his legs, opens up so Brian can slide in deeper.

Brian fingers him, lazy and early-morning-slow, bites Zack under the curve of his jaw, and says, "You wanna go again?"

-

The next time Brian wakes up he's alone and gets sun in his eyes.

He gets up and dresses a little faster than normal, makes it to the door and is a little surprised to find his legs are shaky. He pads barefoot into the hall and--

There's Zack.

In an old pair of his cut-off jeans and an Eighteen Visions shirt.

He looks up and Brian says the first thing on the tip of his tongue: "Hey, you're back."

It comes out in less of a there you are kind of way and more of a holy shit finally kind of way than he means it to, but, well, holy shit, he's back.

"Looks like it." Zacky stands a few good feet from him, hands in his pockets. He looks tired and a little unhappy. Brian looks at the familiar broadness of his shoulders, his chest running down into the straight, solid lines of his sides and his narrow hips, and it feels like he just let out a breath he'd been holding onto for a year. Zacky's back.

Brian is suddenly very aware of the quiet hallway. He says, "You wanna go have a cigarette with me?"

Zacky's eyes fall somewhere to the side and he walks forward. "I actually just had one," he says, trying to shoulder past, but Brian grabs his wrist before he can get by. It's warm and thick and fills out the ring of his fingers. He squeezes harder.

"So come outside while I smoke one and then come get coffee with me."

Zacky sighs, "Brian, look," and tries to leave, but Brian holds his wrist tight and drags him back.

"Zack." Brian tucks his own uncombed hair behind one ear. He can already see the shadow of a beard coming in on Zacky's face, and it scratches his mouth when he tips his head and kisses him. He presses firm and fast, and then Zacky's pulling back to look at him.

Brian says, "I missed you."

He squeezes Zacky's wrist again. It sounds so stupid saying it out loud because he hadn't gone anywhere, except that he really had in a way, and this guy standing here now, who drives Brian nuts and makes him stupidly happy, who he knows inside and out, it's the real thing and all that Brian wants. He says it again.

Zacky palms his own chest lightly and says, "It's okay?"

"It's you, you fucker." Brian says it like it should be the most obvious thing in the world, smiling and touching one of Zacky's sideburns. Zacky finally smiles a little. He takes Brian by a belt loop and tugs him forward, hips together--

And it's this moment that Johnny chooses to fall out of his hotel room and crash spectacularly into the hall.

Matt stumbles out behind him - "Shit, can't you stand? Jesus," - just barely catching himself on the door frame. He hauls Johnny up by the back of his t-shirt and shoves him back into the room while Jimmy grins from behind Matt's shoulder. Matt stands there and looks at them with big eyes and a goofy smile, like he didn't just get obviously and totally busted, and says, "Hey, you're back."

Zacky snorts, shakes his head, and Brian wraps an arm around him gratefully.