Butterphly

Pequeño!!!

2008-07-09T04:51:17Z

So im a mommy!!! The best, most important role i've played thus far!!
There is nothing like having him look into my eyes and see that he finds comfort.
The little gestures... the simple things he does that we find so freaking amazing!!
We are ENAMORED!! Stan is hands down the best father i've ever seen... so caring... gentle... engaging.
Isaac adores him!!
Did i mentioned that he looks JUST like Stan?

Tick Tock

2008-04-22T22:36:48Z

Life's been BUSY to say the least.
Im married... yeah... crazy!!
And now... i'm about to a mommy!!
He'll be here in less than a month... and im excited and scared all at once.
Stan has been great... i didnt expect any less of him.

__butterphly @ 2007-01-18T20:57:00

2007-01-19T02:00:21Z

“Just remember, the same as a spectacular Vogue magazine, remember that no matter how close you follow the jumps: Continued on page whatever. No matter how careful you are, there's going to be the sense you missed something, the collapsed feeling under your skin that you didn't experience it all. There's that fallen heart feeling that you rushed right through the moments where you should've been paying attention. Well, get used to that feeling. That's how your whole life will feel some day. This is all practice. None of this matters. We're just warming up.”
-Chuck Palahniuk

Wedding Plans

2006-10-19T02:04:59Z

Funny... my whole life all i did was think about my wedding... i thought i knew the colors, the flowers, the cake i would choose... well the moment is here... and im freaking clueless as to where i want to take this... everything looks fantabolous.

__butterphly @ 2006-09-20T20:48:00

2006-09-21T00:50:11Z

Everyday
feels like
the best
day of my
life!

__butterphly @ 2006-06-12T20:44:00

2006-06-13T00:50:09Z

El tiempo es demasiado lento para aquellos que esperan... demasiado rápido para aquellos que temen.... demasiado largo para aquellos que sufren.... demasiado corto para aquellos que celebran...pero para aquellos que aman, el tiempo es eterno.

__butterphly @ 2006-03-22T22:19:00

2006-03-23T03:26:38Z

Cuando el tiempo pasa
y nos hacemos viejos
nos empieza a parecer
que pesan más los daños
que los mismos años
al final...
por eso yo quiero
que mis años pasen
junto a ti mi amor eterno
por que nada valgo
por que nada tengo
si no tengo lo mejor
tu amor y compañia
en mi corazon
y es que vale más
un año tardio
que un siglo vacio amor
y es que vale más
tener bien llenito el corazón
por eso yo quiero
que en mi mente siempre
tu cariño esté bien fuerte
aunque estemos lejos
o aunque estemos cerca
del final
ven amor...
me siento debil
cuando estoy sin ti
y me hago fuerte
cuando estás aqui
sin ti yo ya no se que es vivir
mi vida es un tunel sin tu luz
quiero pasar
más tiempo junto a ti recuperar las noches
que perdi
vencer el miedo inmenso
de morir y ser eterno junto a ti
por que nada valgo
por que nada tengo
si no tengo lo mejor
tu amor y compañia
en mi corazón.

4u

sitting, waiting, wishing

2006-03-19T17:55:48Z

The Lord knows that this world is cruel
I ain't the Lord, no I'm just a fool
Learning lovin' somebody don't make them love you

__butterphly @ 2006-03-07T21:37:00

2006-03-08T03:01:12Z

Ok, so its been a while since i spoke about anything going on in my life.

Im still struggling... still hurting... still crying... still searching.
Im still regretting... still grieving... still dying... but believing... that it WILL get better someday.

I went away for a few days, because i needed to escape... to free my thoughts... and drink my pain away.

The reason for the inpromptu vacation wasnt obvious to me at first. But i would have gone insane if i would have stayed... here... tormenting myself self with thoughts.

On to other things... i have a boyfriend (i know, im selfish)... he is great... but he is not what i want or need. I feel terrible, because the fact that my feelings are no where near where his feelings are... result in me snubbing him. Like the other night, two days before i left, he came to see me... and i wouldnt even kiss him. And when he left, i felt terrible because i realised how much of a bitch i was being.

But what is even worse is the fact that i have somewhat developed feelings for someone who doesnt deserve them. Its obvious to me that dude is all about getting in them panties, but the way he talks, acts, looks, and kisses me is... orgasmic. :::laughs::: I've been here before though... Ed made me feel this way once upon a time... but this is by far more intense...

to be continued

__butterphly @ 2006-02-12T12:25:00

2006-02-12T17:34:58Z

Spent the day yesterday redecorating my room... fresh paint... new window treatments... new bed linens... still have a few furniture pieces i need to purchase... but i am extremelly pleased with the results thus far.

One of the windows... i love my oil burner... it keeps my room smelling delish!

My bed... i love my bed... its simple... its comfy!

The vanity that i couldnt resist... i sit there for hours and just write or play with makeup or read... i absolutly love it.

I want to buy a bookself... because i have tons of books still in a box =(... two night tables... a dresser...

__butterphly @ 2006-01-24T00:12:00

2006-01-24T05:20:35Z

Spent the day in bed sick with the flu... i miss being "taken care of"... i miss the breakfast in bed... the lemon tea... the Buckleys... the chest rubs... and my Blue climbing in top of me to make sure i was still breathing... i miss being told that i "should just drink some water" and the "limon con sal" jokes... i miss it all.

Party all the time...

2006-01-22T04:19:55Z

Last night i had an awesometime... we went to Biny... after a quick cameo thru Ulyses... it was the greatest... Kima sang some prince song i cant remember... i sang emotions from destinys child... Shera sang "my girl wants to party all the time" by Eddie Murphy (lmao) and i have to say... i havent been able to get it out of my head since... i've been singing and jumping all around the Bronx to this great fucking song...

I can't understand it why you want to hurt me
After all the things I've done for you.
I buy you champagne and roses and diamonds on your finger -
Diamonds on your finger -
Still you hang out all night
what am I to do?
My girl wants to party all the time

Party all the time
party all the time.
My girl wants to party all the time
party all the time.

Dilema

2006-01-15T15:55:01Z

Friday, i did my usual... i went out... we ended up having a brawl at Busters... it was about 7 and we werent toasty yet... so we walked aimlessly thru Soho trying to find a new spot to crash. After lots of walking... i we kinda lost the group... so him & i walked to West 4th. We to a bar... had great conversation... a little kiss here and there... and went home.

Then on Saturday... i talked for about six hrs (yeah!) with this guy Julio... we are bonded by family... long story i dont care to get into... so now im all giddy about him because maybe HE is what i've been "needing" all along... dominican... likes "partying"... tells me little cariñitos that make me melt... i dont know... its like the dude from the DR that i was seeing while on vacation was a little too Dominican... so this one is just like me... grew up here... has a lot of the same interest as me. I am excited... we are going to have dinner tonight.

I dont know where i am headed... but where ever that is... i hope its all for the better.

__butterphly @ 2006-01-10T20:56:00

2006-01-11T02:21:22Z

So today was blah... he came to my department... spent most of the morning way on the other side of the room... i didnt have my galsses and neither did he... so we could only really see a blur of each other lol... i asked the girl that sat next to me *discreetly of course* if she could tell me what he "looked" at so avidly... she said... i dont know but he looks like he is looking our way... i couldnt hide how enthused i was... and she asked what was good with that... i ignored her and proceeded to answer my phone.

After i got back from lunch, i found a little note on my chair... it said... "i cant stop thinking about you pretty"... i texted him to ask if he wrote it... he responded that he didnt know what i was talking about... so when i was like... aight... he responded wanting to know if other dudes on my floor were feeling me too *big turn off*

I stayed at work till about 7:30... didnt know he had stayed late too... saw him when i went to sign out at the security desk... we left together (he was going to the gym)... as we waited in the platform... he kissed my forehead & held my face with his huge COLD hands... and gave me little pecks on the lips... i rested my forehead on his shoulder... and hugged him hard agaist me... he kept whispering "why are u shaking, its not even cold"... and i wasnt... i guess i was just scared (subconciously).

My train finally pulled up to the station... and i jokengly snuffed him and ran in... the doors closed... and the train started to move as i stuck out my toungue at him lol.

Tomorrow im soo going to get it.

Testing... 1...2

2006-01-10T01:49:42Z

I refuse to sweat him... but that's what he wants me to do lol... how wack is it to be a dude... straight fishing for compliments... OK... so you look good... so you dress well... so you walk like you own the earth... and every chick in the building is throwing they draws at you... but what the fuck does that have to do with me???

So today... he is wearing a sea green shirt with a navy blue tie... it looks good *salty* but to mess with him... i said... turquoise??? (it wasnt but still)... and he reponds... but tell me im not wearing this shirt... tell me im not wearing it... *its the way he said that stuck me* i stood... still... dumbfounded... and a bit disgusted at how much he was feeling himself.

There is a fine line between confidence and arrogance... and this dude keeps crossing the line. I already think he's gay lol (not really but still)... but he talks about clothes way more than i do... that or the color of paint he is going to pick this week (he is remodeling his house) and i much as i love shopping... and decorating... these are not the qualities i look for in a man. Part of me wishes he was more of... (ok nevermind what i wish).

He is sweet/great/exciting though... like Friday he showed up at the afterwork i was at... and he sat next to me... and held my hand under the table... and carressed my knees when i would speak (b/c i would let go of his hands... because i dont know how to speak without them lol)... and fed me chicken tenders with just enough honey mustard sauce & then wiped off the crumbs with his napkin lol... but i especially loved how he followed me with his eyes when i would get up to "browse" the room... or how he would discretly brush up against me when dudes stopped me to talk (this was at fat black) i dont know man... part of me feels like i am being swept... but the other part of me doesnt fail to remind me... i got a huge whole in my chest from where my heart used to be...

__butterphly @ 2006-01-08T15:28:00

2006-01-08T20:29:25Z

He is great... but he is not what i want.

__butterphly @ 2005-12-25T17:35:00

2005-12-25T22:29:05Z

I love people who stroke egos and make you smile from ear to ear...

__butterphly @ 2005-12-24T12:10:00

2005-12-24T17:07:19Z

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry
I can't be perfect

I hate waking up feeling like i feel today.

__butterphly @ 2005-12-23T23:24:00

2005-12-24T04:28:50Z

Today was rather interesting... i'll update when im no longer drunk... but that would more than likely be like Tuesday lol.

Going to "after-works" drains you the fuck out... shera and me were toasty by 7 pee-emm... how pathetic is that??? It was cool though... see shera and me have become real good buddies... she is more than the co-worker i get trashed with every friday... today we had the only heart to heart... she told me things... i told her things... we've discovered that we have been through a lot of the same things... she understood my devastation... and my unconcious desire to self-destruct ((may not be so un-concious after all)). I noticed that i am not the only person battling with demons... we've all have had our fall-outs... and its great to feel like you arent alone in the "struggle".

This is mad drunk talk... i hope this all makes sense when i wake up tomorrow.

By the way... i have a shit load of clothes all over my freaking room... its all clean... but some how its managed to lay all over the place... including the floor and the rails of my bed... but tonight... i dont care... maybe tomorrow... we'll see lol.

Pray for me ya'll... please pray for me.

((((Shakira's new song ROCKS... im so happy to have finally been trashed enough to make her pronounce all the words just right... in my head... now it all makes sense))))

I’m sure she doesn’t know
How to touch you like I would

lololololol

ok enough... i am so ugly right now lol

__butterphly @ 2005-12-19T12:05:00

2005-12-19T17:05:38Z

Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong

__butterphly @ 2005-12-12T22:10:00

2005-12-13T03:44:49Z

Last night I was coming home from my mother's house, it was about 10 pm... i cant ever get my key to work for the front door of the building so i was relieved to see someone there to open the door for me. As soon as i walked in... something didnt feel right... my heart started beating really fast because the guy who opened the door for me was waiting to see which way i was going to go. When i turned to my side of the building... he sped up and opened the elevator door. I paused... as my sixth sense spoke to me... and began looking for my keys. He said "Come on..." I said "No, that's OK, you can go ahead!", he said "No, get in, i live here", I said " No, its fine i dont need the elevator"... i thought of opening my mailbox to kill some time, so maybe he'll get the hint and leave, but i immediately brushed that off cuz i figured he'd see what my apartment number is and could be waiting for me near my door... so he goes on to say "Are you scared? Im not going to hurt you!" and chuckles... I said "No, im not scared... but i just dont need the elevator" ... He then said "Well you need the elevator tonight!! Get in NOW"... I didnt even notice myself run... but i did. My heart felt like it was going to come out of my chest. My phone was dead so didnt know ANYONE's phone number... nor could i think from fear. I hesitated but decided to approach the group of guys who always stand in front of my building to walk me upstairs.

The minute i made it to my house i threw myself on my bed and started crying hysterically. I didnt want to call my mom because this would worry her too much. But i needed to tell someone. This is the second time something really scary happens to me while living by myself. A few years ago i was comming home from my mother's house... i was walking to my old apartment when all of a sudden i was caught in the middle of a shootout, everything felt like slow motion... it felt like a movie... someone who was a few feet away from me got shot and from fear that i would be next i decided that i would beast it and jay walk the Grand Concourse... which is practically a high way with a few traffic lights. I made it accross the street to a grocery store... and right behind me came the guy who got shot right next to me. i saw him colapse at the door of the store... he layed there with his eyes opened... fist balled up. That day i had a nervous breakdown... i didnt remember anything... not my name... not where i lived... nothing... not for a good hour.

Besides seeing my life practically flashing before my eyes, what i remember most was feeling like i was really alone. And that's exactly how i felt yesterday... i missed the arms that can hold you and make you feel like its going to be alright.

__butterphly @ 2005-12-01T11:39:00

2005-12-01T17:17:45Z

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.
And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.
After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

Goodbye Goodbye!!!

2005-11-29T00:57:54Z

Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red?
And what the hell is on Oscar’s head?

__butterphly @ 2005-11-20T18:03:00

2005-11-20T23:03:57Z

before the club... and that's all i wish to remember

RIP Eddie

2005-11-15T01:31:28Z

No, i wasnt a wrestling fan, but Eddie Guerrero entertained me. His death was a huge shock to me. I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw when i turned on the news was the notice of his death, I immediatly thought of one person... I dont know it just felt weird... I felt true loss... and like it was one less thing from the past, so i started to cry. Ironically enough on the night before he passed my friend Russel was messing around wearing this wig and we started calling him Eddie Guerrero. We laughed so hard because he kept saying ese and buttoned his shirt only on the collar. Im shocked... and sad...

Russel being silly...

Rest in Peace Latino Heat...