wow i got emo on that last one.
so, i'm twenty. i don't know what i want, where i'm going, or what i'm going to do in the next five years. i'm not as independent as i like to think i am, shit, i still live off my parents, living at home, getting gas money every once in awhile, i don't get financial aid or grants or nothing special. i work to have my own money in which i like to blow on stupid temporarily-make-me-happy items like a new phone, an ipod, a digital camera, shoes.. and boy, lots of em.
i always thought about moving out, mostly because i just don't want to get bitched at when i get home 12 in the morning. i like going to school, hate the work, but love actually going to school. it gives me a sense of direction, i still don't know where i'm going but at least i'm getting somewhere and doing something productive with my time.
i have friends, plenty, but still, i only stay close to a few. my best friend, almost my kin, my brother, tony. i love him without even thinking about it. he is my "savior" in this crazy life.. the one thing constant. other than him, everyone else seems to disappear quickly. especially the male figures i've grown with. they seem to turn their backs like nothing ever happened. it sort of makes me sad, but if it's one thing i learned, you can never make their minds up.
i'd like to believe that i am pretty mature for my age. i mean, don't get me wrong, i do have my insecure moments and my selfish moments, sometimes together.. which let me tell you is not a good thing. i'd like to believe i am strong, loving, caring, and acceptable. i try to learn with every experience, but many times i fall short and well, i make the same mistakes.
i'm a strong believer in love and in change. i believe everyone has some good in them, and their will to change is what can make it shine through. i think love is the most powerful thing there is. an act of love, loving someone, falling for someone, infatuation, unconditional love, any type.. it's a powerful thing. love can chage someone, good or bad. but you can never help the way you feel.
i believe that no matter how bad a person can treat you, they can change. that it is just some poor excuse to get the easy way out. it's much easier to treat someone like shit than to open up to them. don't you think?
i'm very insecure.. afraid.. and hopeful. there are many things i have to be thankful for, my family, life, education, housing, wealth, health, experience, friends, love, lessons, abilities.. but i still think i'm not good enough, i'll never be that person he/she wants and strives for me to be. i fear for loneliness, getting lost in the crowd, and for being labelled a disappointment. i try to stand out, putting effort in my hair and clothes, i give and give and give of myself just to make someone else happy.
i'm selfish and i like attention. i starve for affection. i love being in love and loving someone. i believe. i've lost many things, but have learned more.