where else would I ever be...

I didn't want to cry.
Layers of me said I wouldn't, but now, as the tears fall, I wonder how I ever thought this was going to go by without Pain.

Beverly puts the last of her posesions into her bag and closes it, feeling as if she is closing off yet another door, yet another chapter of her life with it.

If was not where I am now, I would be in sickbay. I would be in Ten Forward. I would be in the captains quarters eating breakfast. I would be anywhere that wasn't leaving.

A month ago, a year ago, anywhere but the Enterprise was far from home. And far from home was where I didn't want to be. In the last chapter of my life I would have smiled and thought about being a healer back home, or being stationed on Earth. I would have thought for a moment how nice that could have been. I would have wondered if it would have been better, if I should have taken that path.
But not today.

She walked up to Jean-Luc, wanting to at least shake his hand. He wasn't happy with her going. He had made that perfectly clear to her from the moment she had announced her resignation. He hadn't said a thing to dissuade her. But he hadn't said a thing either. Not in the days following her news and not in the days that had lead up to today, a day she was hoping wouldn't be the last time they stood in his ready room. Somewhere she had spent countless hours in since she came aboard.
"Jean-Luc-" she had started tentatively, still expecting him to yell... to be disappointed... to be something other than what he was showing her.
He did something she hadn't expected. He hugged her. Long and tight.
"Don't be afraid of what's coming, and never look back with sadness."
He let her go and a sad looked passed his face before her managed a smile.
"You made some of the best years of my life what the were Beverly, and you will continue to be in my thoughts every day. I hope you find what you're looking for. And don't be afraid to grow...or change... or come home."

Now where I would be if not where I was is on the Enterprise, with the people I love... and the people who love me. Now I'm on a Star Base, waiting to watch them shoot off into the distance, becoming just another star to wish on.
I don't know what's left to wish though.

Ten Forward hadn't been it's usual bouncing self as she entered, dressed in a deep brown civilian robe. Everyone smiled at her with the same sad eyes, and more of her fellow crew members were seemingly effected by her impending departure that she ever would have assumed.
As she saw the crowd, all raising there glasses to her as she entered she put her hand to her mouth, feeling her eyes fill with tears she thought she would have well under control.
She couldn't tell if they were happy tears or sad tears... but it didn't matter she smiled as she walked over to Deanna, holding out a glass of what she assumed to be wine, her head inclined to the left.
"To the good times. Our good times." Deanna smiled.
"May they come again." Will nodded.
Beverly looked around at her colleges, more a family than friends, and drank to just that.

Looking out into the stars Beverly remembered the first time she saw them from a star ship and the first time she had seen them from her quarters aboard the Enterprise.

Sitting quietly at the head of the table she found herself lost in memories every time the conversation didn't call upon her directly. She remembered Wes on the bridge, dinner with the Captain, treating Will's broken arm.. Alyssa Ogawa's wedding,and everything the Enterprise had taught her.
"Penny for your... thoughts?" Worf grunted as the people at the table filtered down to the people she would remember best, and her silence was more noticeable... because they knew her so well.
"I... I was just remembering, everything that has gone before... it is" she gave a smile. "regrettable that this part of my life is over."
"Technically doctor," Data started, "It is not yet over, you will not be leaving us for a period of almost 52 hours and-"
Picard stopped him, "Thank you Data."
"I'll miss that too. Pity they don't have any androids at Starfleet medical."

Data had said he would miss her, and she believed him. 15 years ago she never would have believed she could grow to love an android as a friend, but that's exactly what had happened.

"If I were not here, on this Star Base..." Beverly muttered to herself, "I would be... here on this Star Base." she sighed. She knew very well that this was the only place in the galaxy she could be now. Her time on the Enterprise was over now. And she couldn't change that fact.

"So Beverly, how are you finding the Enterprise so far?" Captain Picard had asked her after a month aboard.
"Thinking about a transfer Sir." she had said smiling, honestly not being able to imagine a time when she would want to leave the ship.

She had changed more than she had ever imagined, become a person she had never really wanted to become, but the person she was always meant to be none the less.
This was right, she knew it. She could feel it.

But that didn't make it any easier as she saw the Enterprise soar away for the Star Base... from her... onto new missions, new places... new stories that didn't include her.
"Goodbye..."