I can't even think of a way to comprehensively put into words how many ways I have messed up this year. Frankly, I spend most of my free time thinking about it and am giving myself a headache trying to think of a way to write it down. What is "it"? "It" is everything. "It" is that thing that you constantly think about and think, "Well fuck, why did/didn't I do that?" That's what "it" is. "It" is that sweater that I really couldn't afford. "It" is the text I really shouldn't have sent. "It" is the "I'm sorry" I should have said. "It" is the relationships I should have ended. "It" is the relationships I should have fought to save. "It" is the final I should have studied for to get straight A's. "It" is that American Greetings subscription that I still have despite never using it and not knowing how I got it. Seriously. Why do I still have that thing?
But, then I think...every year is like this. Every year is full of "its" that I can't take back. The problem with this year is that I actually feel them because it wasn't just myself that I hurt. Buying a sweater or not studying affects no one but me. This year, I hurt a lot of people that I really care about and it absolutely tears me apart that I can't fix it.
Of course, this year wasn't all bad. I met the amazing girls of Rock Camp LA who showed me that hiding who you are is just ridiculous. I got approved to graduate in 2011. I have grown much closer to my family. We have a beautiful new addition who lights up a room when she smiles. I have gotten to spend nearly every day with my ailing Grandmother. While this has been stressful and painful at times, I know that when she finally does pass, I won't have any regrets about how I spent my time with her. I've gotten to know my extended family who have shown me that insanity and cynicism are hereditary. I was exposed to the brilliance that is Netflix.
So can Netflix really makeup for the "its"? Well, no. It doesn't even come close. But, that's life. Actions have consequences and I'll just have to deal with mine. I've looked at my life, I've looked at my choices and now I know that I'm not invincible. People aren't puppets. You can't slide across a hardwood floor in socks like Tom Cruise unless you're really coordinated. When the clock strikes midnight on Friday, my problems won't evaporate. I won't suddenly be whole again. I'll still be in pieces. Maybe Arizona can put me together. Maybe New York. Maybe my family. Maybe a friend. Who knows.
One thing I know for sure...I really need to cancel that fucking subscription.
So, 2010...so long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, fuck you. It's been a ride but I think it's about time you let me off. Let's see where life takes me next year.
With love and a bitchface,