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| 12:39am 02/12/2008 |
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I try so hard to make this existence as least miserable as I can. Usually I'm successful, lately I've been slipping.
Can't focus on school because ultimately that is taking me nowhere. Can't stand to be home unless I'm planning on sleeping because I get stir crazy, lonely, upset, angry. I feel like I'm constantly inviting myself and barging into other people's lives because I don't like where I am.
The stupidest, tiniest, insignificant things make me the most upset, and I wish I had the power to believe myself when I say they don't matter. Because deep down I feel they do.
I'm never comfortable. I always have this underlying feeling of paranoia that I am just really not that important to anyone. That I'm a nuisance, a hassle. What I would give to know if only just one person out there needed me, wouldn't change a thing without me, accepted me, was proud of me, and with every single piece of their heart, loved me.
I'm not saying this so everyone can "poor baby" me. I know I'm a good person. I know I'm a good friend. I know I'm nice, funny, good at listening, and respectful. I just yearn for that feeling of importance as selfish as it may be.
I'll be fine by the time I wake up tomorrow. |
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| 05:17pm 13/10/2007 |
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Best thing ever.
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| 03:36am 05/06/2007 |
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I feel like I'm losing everything. |
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| 09:54am 24/11/2006 |
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We put my dog to sleep today.. needless to say I'm exhausted from all the crying. Seriously this dog meant the world to me. We grew up together.. and now he's gone. I'm crushed.
R.I.P. Ralph
12/3/92 - 11/23/06 |
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| 05:36am 19/10/2006 |
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You really have no reason to complain..
because in all honesty, I'm not the unreliable one. |
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| 11:16pm 05/10/2006 |
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Yooooo.. somebody go see The Science of Sleep with me. |
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| 10:23am 02/10/2006 |
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Seriously.. if you're my friend, please call me sometime to make sure I'm at least still alive. Because at this point, I feel like all my friends are purposely avoiding me and could give a shit less if I fell off the face of the earth..
I hope to god this is all in my head. |
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| 03:54am 30/08/2006 |
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mood:  scared
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Tomorrow.. school starts
Tomorrow my other half, my best friend is no longer going to be only 5 minutes away from my house.. I'm gonna miss her so much. It's amazing how many people I have gained and lost touch with throughout my life.. especially this summer.. and how she is the only one I have been able to safely call my best friend since 6th grade.
Everything's changing and I'm just really noticing it. |
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| 12:47am 03/08/2006 |
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I've lost the will to do anything.
I feel angry and depressed all the time.. whether I have a reason to or not.
I feel like there's nothing to look forward to.
I feel like I'm finally at the end of my rope
..and I don't know how to climb back up it.
PS: I'm sorry. |
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| 01:22am 16/06/2006 |
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Yesterday was the last day I will have lunch with my friends in a high school cafeteria ever.
and we graduate in 6 days.
I know it's the cool thing to say that you're not going to miss it, but I do.
I really do. |
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| 12:58am 06/06/2006 |
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...I just realized that I'm going to be the only one that is single at my prom table.
That sucks just a little. |
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| 03:52pm 02/06/2006 |
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So today, I've come to realize how much I truly hate livejournal posts that are obviously and entirely directed toward one person (a person without a name, of course) and use the post as a method to state how they truly feel about this said person..
Because I guess talking face to face is out of the question.
Don't worry, I've been guilty of this too. I am just sick and tired of all this petty bullshit that just CAN'T FUCKING DIE!
because you guys won't let it.
The beginning of the year I felt surrounded by love and friends and it just amazes me how all of it just washed away.
Obviously no one can stand the sight of each other anymore, so why can't anyone say it?
Oh and I tried, I tried so hard to give advice, be there, listen.. but all of this just goes without any appreciation OR reciprocation. And I am disgustingly sick of it.
Other
people
hurt
besides
yourself.
I love you all, I really do.. but I can not let myself be brought down with all this shit anymore. So basically, It's finally MY turn to be glib.
I am terrified of next year, I have never felt so alone. |
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| fuck. |
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| 11:14pm 19/05/2006 |
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I slept through my entire Friday night..
I feel like a piece of shit.
I'm so sorry Allie. |
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| 04:08am 09/05/2006 |
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I feel like throwing up..
I should really learn to check my email more often.. because now I feel like crying..
I don't even want to say why because I feel like a complete idiot. |
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| 11:47am 06/05/2006 |
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Ok.. AFI has posted dates for their headlining..
The only date they are playing New York is.. June 22nd.
June 22nd is the day of graduation.
Who's going to Philly with me? |
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| 10:01am 21/04/2006 |
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Why do I try?
Seriously, why do I try?
Jesus.. we're not 12..
Why does everyone have to be so vicious?
I thought everyone agreed to be fucking civil and mature..
Remember.. no day but today?
What happened to that?
As much as I hate being labeled this.. it's true.
You are all fucking high school..
Yes, we all go to high school, but I seriously thought we were better than that.
I thought we agreed that this is our senior year and we should make it the best ever.
So, why are you all fucking it up now?
Really, it's not that difficult to NOT make other people feel like shit.. |
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| 12:18am 11/04/2006 |
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I feel nauseous.
I feel alone.
I miss my friends. |
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| 07:50pm 27/03/2006 |
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I went to see Say Anything yesterday. They were awesome.
I'm happy now. |
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| 07:22pm 24/03/2006 |
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In reply to your myspace message (since you're too much of a coward to let me message you back personally)
Ashley, you are fucking incredible.
First of all, like I said before, I wasn't mad at you for telling my parents that. It's when you were a fucking moron and decided to light the school bathroom on fire. It's when you threw everything Allie and I tried to do for you back in our face. The two people who know you the best. It's when you expected me to lie for you, when you knew by doing so I would have to go down with you.
It's all the fucking irony that floats around in that.
You sold me out to help yourself.
Whatever.
You expected me to cover and blatantly lie for you in order to, gasp.. save your own ass again! And then you had the nerve to not talk to me, to call me a "bad friend".
So don't you dare think that you're a fucking martyr for writing me some half-ass apology letter over myspace. An apology that was so sincere, that not even three days later you continued to talk more shit.
"Yea.. let's kick her out of our lunch table".. How third grade of you.
And I'm the immature one? Sorry to break it to you Ashley, but you are the only one at that table, actually I'm pretty sure the whole school that dislikes me.
I'm not willing to become you're friend again. But I did let this whole situation go. It's you, my dear, that won't let it die and keeps fucking resurrecting it.
You're letter isn't going to get you any sympathy from me, so on that note..
go fuck yourself.
See you in lunch on Monday. :) |
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__aaaasymmetric