the girl who could fly when no one was looking

my dreams are always wrong.

Fri, 10 Oct 2008 01:38:40 GMT

I've been a bad El Jay mommy, so I thought I'd repent a little by writing you all, my dear flist, a note.

Out of nowhere, someone wants to know if I want to move in with them.

Today at work, someone called and asked me if our up-coming booksale meant we were selling all of the books in the library before we move to the new one. XD

There was also a very disgruntled person there today. He came up and asked if I had seen Alan Potter. "Ummm....I don't know who that is, sir." He got really huffy and started talking to himself and then demanded to use the phone. I'm not supposed to let people use it unless it's an emergency, but a tall, irate man seems like an emergency for myself, in any case. He proceeded to pretty much yell into the phone, telling whoever it was how furious he felt, and saying things like 'TELL HIM THE MISSION IS OFF.' I just stood there thinking Must not further anger the angry, yelling man, and he kept asking for our phone number. I would be like '63--' 'WAIT,' and then he'd ask again, but then I'd have to stop again at his command. He did end the conversation by telling the other person he loved them, which was very amusing to me because it made the conversation into something like this: OIJEJFIOEJIO*&$#OEIJFMCB+@^#RENMVKLJOPAJDOJFE! ♥♥.

I hate it when something unexpectedly bothers me, and then I get upset with myself for being bothered by it because it's stupid and doesn't have anything to do with me even though I probably wish it did and that it's all in my head anyway so why let it effect me and I'm just seeing things that aren't there and projecting. That was a very long and cryptic sentence. It's amazing how much of a foolish little girl I can be sometimes.

The Festival of Leaves is this weekend, but unfortunately I have to work both days. I guess I will just have to find contentment in the fact that I didn't have fun last year.Though it was kind of funny to see three old dudes playing Nirvana.

What is this Beta Profile Page thing?

our life begins with this.

Thu, 25 Sep 2008 03:49:14 GMT

My sister's wedding was Saturday. Alli is like the prettiest girl in the world, so of course she looked beautiful, and the ceremony went off without a hitch, for the most part, and was really lovely.

Because she wanted to include all the people she could, she had four friends as bridesmaids, and my eldest sister, Steph, Erich's sister, Lisa, and me do this family uniting candle lighting thing. We went out in procession before the wedding party, and being the youngest, I was the last to go, and to my horror, the lighter had stopped working by the time I got to it. Eep, of course I would be the one to hold up the entire wedding. I stood up there for a minute trying to get it to work, giggling, with the photographer snapping away at me, until I finally looked back at my brother with a pleading Help! look and he came over and saved me by using his lighter (which didn't work at first, either). I hehehesorryed my way to a seat.

After the ceremony, I had to stand in line along with the rest of the bride and groom's immediate family and greet the guests, getting many hugs and handshakes from people I had never met before. Some of my sister's friends were all 'I haven't seen you since you were little!' and I was like 'I don't know who you are!' Many names were said, but I couldn't hear most of them.

The reception was a lot of fun minus a few bits. There was this drama with my mom, and I had to go outside and attempt to talk sense into her. I already had to prevent the apocalypse between she and daddy the night before, so it was very chagrining. And Steph got upset at one point when they talked about remembering Ann and all the people we've lost who couldn't be with us to celebrate, so I tried to comfort her. I'm basically like the counselor/mediator of the family, as you may see. And Robert kept trying to get me to eat something. It means a lot to me that he's concerned and tries to look out for me and basically doesn't want me to die, but I kind of wish he could be like everyone else and accept 'That's Jessie, she doesn't eat,' rather than hassle me about it and make things uncomfortable.

I danced a lot. Steph was like 'When Robert comes back, go up there and dance with him,' and I was all 'But he's YOUR husband,' but she just poo-pooed me and told me to go on. So I was basically dragged into it, and at first I was really nervous and stiff and thought I was gonna have a panic attack, but eventually I got more into it and even 'got low' in front of my parents and grammy and surprised everyone with my moves, LOL. Alli was just like 'She gets it honest,' because she's basically the wild, partying, dancing one, so figured she must have rubbed off on me a bit. Robert said to me 'You have to remember, a lot of these people don't know you, so it doesn't matter if you look silly,' and I think that's what made me loosen up a bit. It didn't hurt that everyone was really encouraging and it was a really free, happy environment.

One of the groomsmen was very 'friendly' towards me. The night before, at the rehearsal, he had been like 'I've heard a lot about you,' and I was thinking What terrible things is Alli telling people about me? And at the reception, he came up and grabbed me from behind, all BOO!, and was like 'You having a good time?' then later started trying to grind on me while I was dancing, to which I just kind of LOLed and backed away. After a few hip-hop, dancey songs, they announced it was time to slow it down for a couples' dance, which I planned to sit out of and probably annoy Dylan during. Up comes Jordan with his hand out, motioning for me to join him. Okay. So we slowdanced for a song, with him holding me closer than necessary for someone he had just discovered the existence of, and he was saying that it was good to finally meet me, and I responded with 'Um, I'm pretty sure we both went to King's Dominion with Alli and Erich a few years ago...' because we had, but apparently he did not recall this. We talked about the sort of things you talk about in four minutes time with a stranger, then I thanked him for the dance and went on my merry little way. Near the end of the night, when I was about to go out for the family photo session, I ran into him and he gave me a hug, so I hugged him back, and then he kissed me on the neck and asked if I was going to the afterparty, and when I told him I would be leaving soon for home, he went 'Aw, I wanted to hang out with you some more.' o_O A little later, as I was heading for the door to leave, he was coming towards me and like stuck his hand out and kind of felt me up a bit and was all 'Come on,' and trying to get me to follow him to who-knows-where. It was all a bit bizarre as there were plenty of other females there, I don't get why he singled me out.

Overall, it was much better than I expected, and more fun than I've had in a long time.

five minutes of torture.

Fri, 12 Sep 2008 02:08:28 GMT

Fri, 05 Sep 2008 05:49:16 GMT

This dude came up to the counter at work today and goes 'You're like the spitting image of a doll.' Uhhhh, okay. I'm not sure how to interpret that - is that supposed to be a good thing? What kind of doll? Like a creepy porcelain one, a Barbie or Bratz type doll, one of those funky generic brand talking baby things?

He proceeded to loiter around the desk for the next 20 minutes, just staring at me and bombarding me with questions whilst simultaneously getting in the way of patrons needing my assistance. How old are you? You don't look a day over 16. Are you married and have children? I could've sworn you would be. Do you drive? When you're on the road, let me know, so I can get off. Do you play video games? I have a 360 and already burned it out. That is all fascinating, Khris with a K, but I'm a little busy.

I was the only one at circ, so I had to keep everything in order there, the phone kept ringing and I had to answer that, and I had to keep an eye on the reference desk because Joan was in the back doing stuff, and this guy just kept distracting me. I wanted to be like I have a job. I'm paid for this job. They do not pay me to talk to you. Unless you want to pay me to talk to you, I suggest you go rock your bicycle helmet elsewhere and leave me alone.

He forced his home and cell phone numbers on me, even though I did not ask for nor indicate that I wanted them. He kept hassling me to give him mine, but I kept stalling and finally he went outside and I thought Oh sweet freedom! only for it all to be stripped away when he returned 10 minutes later to nag me some more. I finally gave in once I realized he would not let up and take the hint. I seriously need to assert myself and stop being a pushover. If it means anything, which it doesn't, I started getting snippy with him near the end. As soon as I got home, I said "If anyone calls for me, I'm not here, or I'm busy, or I've fallen off the planet."

Ugh, I am so not interested in talking or hanging out with this person. HELP ME.

This was even worse than Mr I Wear Sunglasses Inside So I Can Secretly Skeeze You Up Because I Don't Bite....Well, Not Yet whom followed me around while I was shelving last year. At least he was willing to back off.

all tomorrow brings is a set of broken wings.

Sat, 30 Aug 2008 02:03:36 GMT

I saw two packages of English muffins lying in the middle of the road today. It was probably a combination of my mood and the gloom and rain and the lonely exit ramp intersection, but I was flooded with dolorousness by the sight. I just started thinking of all the possible bleak circumstances that could lead to groceries being abandoned on the highway, and it made me feel like crying.

I got up for work at six this morning. Something fell out of a cabinet, slicing just above my wrist, so I went to ask my mom if we had any band-aids, and ended up telling her how I hadn't been able to sleep because the pain in my head and how it felt like my temple was going to explode and my jaw and the place where one of my wisdom teeth had been wouldn't stop hurting and that I just felt miserable. She said that this job wasn't worth torturing myself and that I needed to go back to the doctor, and told me to go back to bed and that she would call in to work for me. I was too morose to resist, so I tried to go back to sleep. I dreamt I was fired.

I had to get up for my appointment at nine. The doctor put this disgusting brown stuff in the holes, and said that my jaw was sprained. When I got home, my mom lectured me about needing to take the pain medication, and told me that the doctor had to delay his trip to help me, and that my boss had to scramble to find someone to fill in for me and said "We need to get this resolved and quickly," and I just felt horrible about everything so I started tearing up and told her to leave me alone. I got back in bed and fell asleep thinking I want to die, I want to die, I want to die.

I don't know what's wrong with me anymore. I thought I had accepted that I was always going to be this girl that was sad and alone and cared too much for everything but was too overwhelmed to do anything. Everything fills me with deep sadness - I cry for trees, I cry for the earth, I cry for animals, I cry for people. I feel like such a waste and inconvenience to others, like I'm the worst kind of person. I just wish I could feel better or like I mattered.

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 03:34:27 GMT

PLEASE EXCUSE MY LANGUAGE AND CAPSLOCKING BUT HOLY FUCK DUDE THERE WAS A BAT IN MY HOUSE!

It was around 2:30 AM and I had been in the computer room. I decided to go get some water, and as I was walking down the steps, I heard this jingly noise, like someone was moving stuff around. I figured it was my dad getting up to use the bathroom, so didn't really think anything of it, but once I reached the bottom step I started hearing a clicking. I thought Er, maybe it's a mouse, and went on to do my thing. I walked back up the stairs a little warily, which was good foresight because as I reached the top SOME THING WITH WINGS FLEW AT ME. O_O

When I say I am afraid of things that can fly at me, I mean I am hardcore seriously for real ZOMG freaked out like savage by any sort of aerial creature.

I could not run back down the steps fast enough. I ran into my mom's room because I could hear her up, and was like 'There'sabirdohmygoshohmygoshthere'sabird!' She went to check it out, sounds of battle making it's way down to where I was cowering, when she finally called down 'Uh, Jess....it's a bat.' D:

To say the least, I got hysterical, all hyperventilating and crying. She trapped it in the computer room, but couldn't manage to catch it because that room is also used as storage, so there's plenty of boxes ripe for hiding. I slept terribly - every noise I heard jolted me alert, fearing the bat had escaped the closed room somehow.

We had to call animal control today, and even the person from there could not get it. They decided to just leave the door closed and turn the fan on high, so if it started flying around, it might get knocked out by one of the blades. It wasn't until almost 10 PM that my dad went in the room to check if the coast was clear for me to come in so I could do something really quick online that he spotted it hanging off the edge of the closet door and grabbed it with a towel. He is now my hero.

YOU GUISE I WAS SO SCARED. T_______T

Voice Post

Mon, 25 Aug 2008 04:48:28 GMT

Voice Post

Sat, 23 Aug 2008 03:42:51 GMT

bunch o' quizzes to take my mind off of soreness.

Wed, 20 Aug 2008 04:52:48 GMT

Your Psyche is Violet

You are spiritual, intuitive, and serene.

People trust you to rescue them from bad situations, and you usually come through.

While you are quite enlightened, you find that your path is very lonely.

When you are too violet: you can't connect to ordinary life or ordinary people

When you don't have enough violet: you lack wisdom and can't learn from the past

What Color Is Your Psyche?

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.

Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.

You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.

Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.

You have great vision and can be very insightful.

In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.

Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.

You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.

Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Your Personality Profile

You are dignified, spiritual, and wise.

Always unsatisfied, you constantly try to better yourself.

You are also a seeker of knowledge and often buried in books.

You tend to be philosophical, looking for the big picture in life.

You dream of inner peace for yourself, your friends, and the world.

A good friend, you always give of yourself first.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

You Are 2: The Helper

You always put on a happy face and try to help those around you.

You're incredibly empathetic and care about everyone you know.

Able to see the good in others, you're thoughtful, warm, and sincere.

You connect with people who are charming and charismatic.

At Your Best: You are deeply giving, altruistic, and humble. You devote your life to others while caring for yourself too.

At Your Worst: You are manipulative and enjoy making other people guilty.

Your Fixation: Rejection

Your Primary Fear: Being unworthy of love

Your Primary Desire: To be loved unconditionally

Other Number 2's: Mother Teresa, John Travolta, Princess Diana, Dr. Phil, and Mr. Rogers.

What Number Are You?

You Are the Guru

You are a naturally good counselor. You are inspiring, encouraging, and compassionate.

You are eager to help everyone who crosses your path, even those who don't want to be helped.

You are a natural healer. People feel at peace when they are with you.

You are so good for people, in fact, that they go through withdrawal once you're gone.

You quietly do your own thing, without openly resisting. You secretly try to fix every problem.

Your biggest regret is not being able to help as many people as you'd like.

What Role Do You Play?

What Your Ideal Wedding Dress Says About You

Your Personal Style:

Funky and a bit retro. You draw from a lot of inspirations, but you always look put together.

Your Ideal Wedding:

A simple outdoor wedding with a few close friends.

Your Philosophy on Marriage:

Marriage is a journey. It's not all about who you're married to. It's also about how you approach it.

Your Perfect Marriage:

Has lots of open communication, flexibility, and understanding. Where both people are happy to give more than get.

The Wedding Dress Test

Your Inner Blood Type is Type B

You follow your own rules in life, even if you change the rules every day.

Sure, you tend to be off the wall and unpredictable, but that's what makes you lovable.

And even though you're a wild child, you have the tools to be a great success.

You are able to concentrate intently - and make the impossible possible.

You are most compatible with: B and AB

Famous Type B's: Leonardo Di Caprio and

What's Your Inner Blood Type?

Your Girl Parts Are Named:

Tinkleflower

Girl Parts Name Generator

You Are Best Described By...

The Starry Night

by Vincent van Gogh

What Famous Work of Art Are You?

Your Inner Color is Blue

Your Personality: Your natural warmth and intuition nurtures those around you. You are accepting and always follow your heart.

You in Love: Relationships are your top priority, and this includes love. You are most happy when you are serious with someone.

Your Career: You need to help others in your job to feel satistifed. You would be a great nurse, psychologist, or counselor.

What's Your Inner Color?

Mon, 18 Aug 2008 03:39:58 GMT

THANK YOU ALL FOR THE BIRTHDAY WISHES AND PRESENTS! You made me feel all warm and fuzzy. ^_^

This is the corkscrew weeping willow my dad got me - it's just a baby so it's not weepy yet, but it should start to be next year. He planted it in a clearing in the woods so the roots wouldn't mess up our septic system, but I'm still delighted by it because willows are my absolute favorite tree. You can't really see it distinctly since there's so much green around. And OH HAI THUR DADDY AND BACK OF MY HOUSE. Please ignore the charred remains to the right in the second picture, father is destroying nature because he thinks it's ~helpful~. -_-

My mom got me this collectible faerie from the Amy Brown Signature Series, it's called "Restless Thoughts" (she found the name very apt for me, LOL). It's hard to tell from the picture since my camera blurred it and didn't pick up all the details, but it's wicked gorg. It's number 290 of 500.

Daddy also got me this glass peach-colored rose. It has a little note thing attached to it that says "I Love You."

He also got me this floating globe. IT'S MAGIC, ZOMG.

This is me being all hurhur in the shirt I bought myself the day after my birthday.

I got two months of 101 icons with my fancy new debit card. Icon battles/convos welcome.

Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You by Peter Cameron is the best book I've read in a long time. Sorry smeyer. Now I'm reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Impending doom is Tuesday - I have to get my wisdom teeth pulled. T_T

Sun, 17 Aug 2008 03:14:41 GMT



		I will marry DanRad.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in London in our fabulous Apartment.
		We will have 0 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a Mossy puke green Unicorn.
		I will spend my days as a Professional Ariel, and live happily ever after.

real living girls were never this ice-cold and alone.

Sat, 16 Aug 2008 05:22:02 GMT

I wish I were braver and stronger, instead of like some stupid, fragile little girl.

I thought working at the library would help me feel better, but it seems to make me feel even more isolated. You'd think it would be fantastic for my ego because people are very kind and complimentary, but their words just seem empty to me because I know they don't really see me. If they did, I'm afraid they'd be able to see how ugly, how disgusting, broken I am, all my secrets.

I think the reason I close myself off and fear others revulsion is because when I was 11, my mother told me I was the reason she tried to kill herself. I don't think anything anyone could ever do or say to me could make me feel worse than that did. If I could make the person I love more than anything, who is supposed to love me more than anything, feel so miserable that they want to stop living, I must be like some dementor-esque creature that sucks joy out of others. Allowing someone to get to know me would surely result in them finding me deplorable. She denies saying it now and claims that was never the reason, but that can't erase years of thinking my existence nearly caused her death.

I've been struggling lately, in private. I'm exhausted in more ways than one. I keep randomly breaking down and crying in my room, but I manage to pull myself together and not let anything on to anyone else. I can feel Ana creeping back into my brain, not that she ever left. Sometimes I imagine cutting away all the bad parts to be whole and pure. Sometimes I think I want to die.

My mother had a relapse a month or so ago. I felt angry and hurt and sad and confused and alone. It's probably what's dredged up these thoughts. I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore, or why I even ever thought it would last.

I wish I could be happy and free. I wish I could save myself. I wish I could feel beautiful and alive.

presents?

Mon, 11 Aug 2008 04:07:22 GMT

It is Black Monday, the anniversary of the day I came into existence.

new layout! real entry is nigh.

Sat, 09 Aug 2008 03:01:07 GMT

Comment on this post. I will choose seven interests from your profile and you will explain what they mean and why you are interested in them. Post this along with your answers in your own journal so others can play along.

as chosen by my dear owlrain

faerie wars - This is a book, or rather the first book of a quartet known as the Faerie Wars Chronicles. I picked it up when I was first starting to get into reading and collecting books back when I was 15 or 16 - I mostly chose it because it had "faerie" in the title the way I spell it and because the cover was pretty. It's a blind buy I do not regret, as I fell in love with it, and subsequently bought the rest of the series as soon as each sequel was released. It's a quirky, fast-paced jumble of fantasy and sci-fi elements with very entertaining and interesting characters.

muse - I love Muse, I think they're a brilliant band. I can listen to Absolution on repeat and not get sick of it or want to skip any songs no matter how many times I've heard them. My favorites by them are probably "New Born," "Apocalypse Please," "Sing For Absolution," "Blackout," "The Small Print," "Knights of Cydonia," and "Take A Bow." I really dig their covers of "Feeling Good" and "House of the Rising Sun," as well.

12 kingdoms - This is one of my top five favorite anime, and I'm wicked glad the novels are getting translated and released over here, as well, because I've really enjoyed them so far. Fuyumi Ono created such an intriguing, well thought-out world - the richness of detail concerning its mythology and politics is amazing. It has some of the best character development I've seen; you can really witness the realistic transition of the characters over the course of the series. Regardless of all that, if the only thing it had going for it was the presence of Rokuta, Taiki, and Rakushun, I would still say it was one of the best shows I've ever watched because they are wonderful.

anti-cheese - I think cheese is icky. XP

be your own pet - Another band I love, I'm always in my room singing and dancing along, pretending I'm Jemina Pearl. They're such a blast to listen to, I love how random the topics of their songs are, like zombies, riding bikes and being awesome, food fights, and old TV shows from when they were kids. My favorites include "Bog," "Zombie Graveyard Party," "Bitches Leave," "OUCH," "Bicycle Bicycle You Are My Bicycle," and "Love Your Shotgun."

dancinglikenooneswatching - In the literal sense, I like to dance like a crazy person. In a metaphorical sense, I feel that dancing like no one's watching represents freedom, uninhibitedness, and joy, and those are things I hope to someday achieve.

alice 19th - One of my top five favorite manga, the first shoujo series I ever read, and the first series I ever completed. I think it's severely under appreciated. I can relate to Alice SO MUCH, when I read the first volume it was just like 'No way, I am totally this person' - the way she's able to grow and overcome her fears throughout the series gives me a little hope. I love the characters, and there are lots of laugh out loud moments to balance out the dark, depressing elements. If it doesn't work out between Zero Kiryuu and I, Kyo Wakamiya can totally be my manga!husband.

bitch! i'm naked.

Thu, 24 Jul 2008 02:07:15 GMT

Some evil lady that shall not be named FORCED ME AGAINST MY WILL to get a myspace. It would be fantabulous if you added me.

1. Leave me a comment saying you want to do the meme.
2. I'll respond by asking you five personal questions so I can get to know you better.
3. You should update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You should include this explanation and offer to ask someone else in the post.
5. When others comment asking to be asked, you will ask them five questions.

Questions from the lovely sakura_kurosaki (it's not letting me lj-userfy your name for some reason o_O)
1. If you had one day to live and you could do anything, what would you do and why?
Tell people what they mean to me. Be as crazy and obnoxious as I've always wanted but felt too self-conscious to be. Dance like no one's watching while people are watching. Play music and sing as loud as I want. Possibly flash someone.

2. What is your favorite kind of weather and why?
It depends on my mood, really. Sometimes I like it when it's sunny and hot and the sky is bright blue, other times I prefer when it's rainy and dreary out. Anything but cold.

3. If you could be best friends with one anime character who would you pick and why?
Radical Edward from Cowboy Bebop because she's absolutely insane and would be a lot of fun to be around and keep me in an up mood.

4. What is your favorite meal time and why?
I don't like meal times....

5. How often do you write letters/cards/postcards to people?
Rarely. I'll sign a birthday or holiday card, if that counts. I write thank you cards, too. I would like to send letters to people, but alas, I have no one to send them to.

Mon, 21 Jul 2008 03:52:53 GMT

I GOT MY VERY FIRST PAYCHECK EVER TODAY! It's only for the three hours I worked on the 14th, but still! It has my name on it! I get to pay taxes!

PLZ TO BE EFFING OFF.

Sun, 13 Jul 2008 01:31:56 GMT

Why is it that when I tell people I got the job at the library, 95% of the ones who are supposed to care about me are just like 'Yeah, and?' Oh gee, I don't know, I thought maybe you'd be happy for me. Maybe they don't understand how big of a deal it is for me, but it should at least rate a little above indifference on the reaction scale. This is the first really good, positive thing that's happened to me in years, my very first job, and something that I've essentially been slaving for in order to get for almost a year and a half. 'Whatever, I don't care.' Way to crap all over my joy, dude. Even if I'm busy or stressed or sad or tired, if someone tells me something great is happening in their life, I will be appropriately glad to hear it because I want good things for them. At the bare minimum, I would pretend to care so as to not make them feel like a moron for even sharing the news.

Fri, 20 Jun 2008 00:15:27 GMT

*gasp* THE CARNIVAL IS IN TOWN.

IwannagoIwannagoIwannagoIwannago!!!

Someone please come to middle of nowhere Northern VA and accompany me there, for I cannot face the carnies alone.

memes to share.

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 02:06:10 GMT

as seen in xx_frenzy

1. Reply to THIS post, and I will select four or five of your userpics that I like.
2. Make a entry and talk about the icons I have chosen.
3. Other people will then comment on your entry and you will do the same as I have done for you.
4. Thus creating a NEVER ENDING of icon squee.

LxRyuk OTP? I love this icon simply because of the bizarreness of the pairing. I think Ryuk makes a beautiful bride.

I think Shana from Shakugan no Shana is a great character, and I really love her fierceness and no-nonsense attitude, and this icon displays that pretty well.

I just think this icon is gorgeous. It looks so ethereal and dreamlike.

I lovelovelove anything to do with Wonderland, and found this Disney!Alice fanart icon too adorable to pass up.

Anemone is probably my favorite character from Eureka Seven. I didn't really like her at first, but she became surprisingly complex over the course of the series. I think this icon greatly depicts her inner sadness, and is very pretty.

1. Reply to this post and I'll assign you a letter.
2. List (and upload, if you feel like it) 5 songs that start with that letter.
3. Post that to your journal with these instructions.

Green Eyes // Coldplay
You're the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you
Must be out of their mind

Because I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Since I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you

This is one of my favorite songs - really, the whole Parachutes record is one of my faves, and this is just a perfect example of why. It makes you wish that you were like that for someone else.

Good News // Something Corporate
She waits all day
She stands a stranger in her skin
She moves the science with her hands
She lines her walls
With every paper she can see
These words consume her
But they never set her free
And then she looked at me to scream
"My castles are falling"
But i can't look into the street
Without everything changing

When I was 15 or 16, a lot of SC songs were like soundtracks to what I was feeling. I can still really identify with the characters in this song.

Gigantic // The Pixies
Lovely legs they are
What a big black mess
What a hunk of love
Walk her every day into a shady place
He's like the dark, but I'd want him

I love the Pixies, there isn't much more of an explanation for this inclusion.

Grow Up and Blow Away // Metric
If she weren't writing in blood
She'd bring him her jokes
A new liver
And a shovel for the mud
If he were not knee-deep in mud
He'd bring her his drugs
He'd get her a typewriter

If this is the life
Why does it feel so good to die today?

This isn't one of my favorite Metric songs, but I do love the lyrics.

Good Weekend // Art Brut
So we went to the cinema
We came home from the cinema
We went through the front door
Up the stairs
Through her bedroom door
Onto the bedroom floor
I've seen her naked twice!
I've seen her naked twice!

Art Brut just make me feel good. Their songs are usually quite tongue-in-cheek and LOL-inducing. I love how excited the guy in this song is about having a girlfriend, as if he's a little kid and everything is fantastic.

Grass // Animal Collective
I was very nervous how I felt in there
I was very cautious when you said "hey there"
Would you like to see me? Often
Though you don't need to see me often
Because I'd like to see you, often!
Though I don't need to see you, often!

We do the dance upon the plain
And I shake your little shoulders
Push you down into the grain
And rub our noses in the night,
We do, we do.

This is one of my favorite Animal Collective songs, it's got this magic, crazy sound to it.

Grown So Ugly // Black Keys
Left and gone
1964
Walking down the street
Knocking for my baby
My baby come out
And ask me who I am
I say honey
Honey don't you know your man

She said my man's been gone
Since 1942
I tell you Mr. Ugly
He didn't look like you

I love the way the Black Keys sound as if they should have existed back in the 60s, and the lead singer has an awesome voice.

Goo Goo Muck // Cramps
When the sun goes down
And the moon comes up
I turn into a teenage goo goo muck
I cruise through the city
And I roam the street
Looking for something that is nice to eat
You better duck
When I show up
The goo goo muck

The Cramps are another band that just make me smile.

Sat, 14 Jun 2008 02:06:59 GMT

GUESS WHO THE RAD GIRL WITH A JOB INTERVIEW AT THE LIBRARY IS? MEEEEE!!

Cathy came up to me near closing time while I was shelving and was like 'Miss Jessica, do you think you could come in on the 25th for an interview?' At first I was thinking In...ter...view....what's that? but I quickly realized she meant for a job and had to try to contain my excitement whilst being mature and professional ~~and not desperate~~ about it. Of course, as soon as she went back to the front desk, I started jumping up and down and clapping. XD Of course, I still need to survive the interview, but dude! I'm thisclose to being like an official librarian and having my very first job ever. I'll no longer be a ~~slave~~ volunteer there, and actually make money and feel like a contributing member of society. This is a seriously awesome big deal for me, and I haven't had anything really great happen in a long time, so it's even more important.

As if today wasn't sweet enough, I got two random compliments from people today. This old man that works at the grocery store was like 'You're gonna be a model. We're gonna see you on TV one day.' And then the same lady that made my day a few weeks ago while I was standing at the check out came in again, and was like 'You're the cute little girl from that time! You look like a young Madonna, you're so cute!' I have no idea where she got that idea, but I'll take it. XD

All of that totally makes up for the lady that glared at me while I was working - I guess that's what I get for being nice and smiling at her instead of telling her to shut her kid up or get out of the library because she's disturbing the other patrons.

not agaaaain. mortification

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 03:57:52 GMT

GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT! Ojeofjeiofjofjejfjaiofedfmbkfnb.

Dudes, I had a dream about Dude That Gets Tutored While I'm Working again last night. x_x This one was not as weird as the first one, but it still feels wrong. I was in an airport for some reason, and he was there looking at magazines, and I just passed and went to some other shop. Dream!Me decided to go back and talk to him, but alas! He was no longer there.

Why oh why am I obsessing over this guy that's never even acknowledged my existence? When I'm at the library, I always hope he shows up, and then when he doesn't, I feel sad, and then I feel stupid for feeling sad because it's all pointless. It's like I'm back in middle school.

This is why I like fictional characters. It's so much easier to tell where you stand with them. Because you stand no where. Because they're not real.

I really don't mean to be a dirty old lady. XD

all my castles are falling.

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 00:16:43 GMT

I feel like I might be lost without my mom's drug problem and my eating disorder, as messed up as that sounds. They were these two things that pretty much defined most of my life, and now that their presence has diminished, I no longer know what to do with myself.

With my mom's addiction, I was always the one that dealt with the brunt of it. Since my dad always worked on the road and was never home, he told me to take care of her, so it was my job to keep her safe and alive from the time I was a kid. It was a completely miserable existence - she'd threaten to call the cops on me when I dumped her stash of pills and alcohol, she'd kick me out for a week or so, she'd get violent, she tried and came very close to killing herself several times and told me it was my fault, she'd say that the next time we got in the car she would drive off the road thus killing both of us, she drugged my food, she'd steal from me, she lied, she alienated my friends, she would leave overnight to stay with some junkie dude, and various other things. I felt completely empty and exhausted, but I was willing to do whatever I could because I love my mother more than anything, and I always knew that it wasn't really her who did those things but her problem.

Now, for the past two/three years, she's been doing really well with only occasional relapses, and since my dad retired late last year, he's always home, so I don't have to deal with it on my own. But now, since it's not as severe as it used to be, I think I feel less necessary and like I'm a waste because of that. I spent so long having my purpose be living for the benefit of someone else, I don't know how to benefit from my own existence.

I've had eating disorder issues since I was a child, with it all coming to a crescendo when I was 14, when I began to full-on, no letting up, starving myself for five years. It completely consumed my entire being, as if I was possessed by Ana. It kept me strong when dealing with my mom, let me feel like things weren't completely out of control. I thought it made me more confident, like I was actually good at something. It made me feel less disgusting because people would say I was pretty, and they never said that before. It gave me an excuse to withdraw from people and things I didn't want to do. I relied on it for everything.

I've been trying to get better for the past couple years, and the fears and everything that went along with it have become less prevelent in my mind. Of course, I'm not fully recovered - I still don't eat very much and sometimes skip, but it's more than nothing. There's still lingering disgust, but I no longer cry over each bite or hate myself all the time for doing it. But since I got so much out of it, I don't know where I'm supposed to get those feelings now. All of the positive aspects of it, like self-esteem, sense of purpose, and emotional strength seem to be lost - I'm not sure how to replace them without falling back on old habits.

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 23:51:17 GMT

Ugh, I hate boys. They make me feel terrible.

ew ew ew, i'm such a creeper! part deux

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 23:59:59 GMT

OH MY GOSH! There is a shorter, Harry Potterfied version of Dude That Gets Tutored While I'm Working working at KMart. Oh my gosh! And I've figured out who DTGTWIW looks like - he's a combination of Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid and Van Fanel from Escaflowne. Bestill my fangirly heart, this is just too much. HE'S EVERYWHERE.

Happy Birthday
Jasikins

You are one of my most favorite people. May Spunk Ransom ~*~DAZZLE~*~ you.

grocery stores have people in them.

Sun, 08 Jun 2008 00:57:19 GMT

Sorry I haven't been commenty lately. I wish I could say it's because I've been busy doing big important things, but really I've just been caught up playing Gaia Pinball when I'm online.

I saw Chrissy Boozer at the grocery store. I didn't say anything to her, but we used to be good friends.

There was a girl at the grocery store with her pants completely unzipped and unbuttoned with her granny panties showing in all their glory. You could tell she thought she was the hottest thing ever.

I miss the guy with an FMA tattoo on his forearm that used to work at the grocery store.

the girl who could fly when no one was looking

my dreams are always wrong.

our life begins with this.

five minutes of torture.

all tomorrow brings is a set of broken wings.

Voice Post

Voice Post

bunch o' quizzes to take my mind off of soreness.

real living girls were never this ice-cold and alone.

presents?

new layout! real entry is nigh.

bitch! i'm naked.

PLZ TO BE EFFING OFF.

memes to share.

not agaaaain. *mortification*

all my castles are falling.

ew ew ew, i'm such a creeper! part deux

grocery stores have people in them.

not agaaaain. mortification