bare with me, this one is slightly depressing, atleast to me. Went to work, got my ass kicked all night...I've never worked so hard doing absoloutely nothing...long story. But as of the last like week I've been in a rut. Maybe it's just because I haven't been doing much lately. All i have been doing is working and coming home and playing madden. its getting old. soon school starts, and then the stomach ache. its not school as far as classes, its more about the painful memories that are there now. whenever i see her it tears my heart out of my chest. yes im complaining but i need to get it out somewhere, so why not here? i have been writing songs like no other lately. thats never a good sign. i only write songs when im depressed, its the only time i have the inspiration. i miss her dearly. i havent been the same since february 28th. i changed that day, i dont like it. most people don't see the difference, but i do. i lost all of my drive. i gave up with school, gave up on my goals. all i did was sit in my dark room and cry and write my songs, possibly the only things that kept me here. im still like that, just minus the crying. it got old, so i just keep it inside. it starts to burn after awhile. it hurts not being able to tell everyone everything. the only person i know i can tell everything and they wont judge me and will listen understandingly is paul miller. the kid has saved me. he gave me something to live for. he listens to everything i have to say, or write in song.(im not gay for him so shutup) but im still in this rut they call depression. i dont know, the only thing that makes me happy is a select amount of friends, and that group is getting smaller by the minute. seems i have lost most of my old friends. i have made new ones but i miss the old relationships. i miss being in middle school. i miss not having the drama. i miss life being simple. no responsibilities. i miss being able to wake up and not have to worry about what needs to be done. i miss not caring. i miss not feeling heartache everyday. highschool has been hell. its been fun but its been hell. freshmen year was amazing. sophmore year i felt everything i knew fall apart. i turned into a monster. i became what i swore to the one i love i would never become. i became every person i hate. i ruined friendships, destroyed love, and drove away people who cared for me. and now i am branded, amongst most i am an asshole. some heartless prick that doesnt care for ne thing and is trying to score his next piece of ass. no one understands that that isnt me. i just can't open up. im hurt, i know i sound like some little girl but i am. i hurt myself and i know that now. im scared. im afraid to open up. afraid to be who i am. afraid to take of my mask