[30 Nov 2009|03:27am] dear______ [dominoxxx] Dear S, You still seem to operating under some alien form of manners. I don't exactly know what your issue is but I do know that it's getting old fast. Initially I wrote it off as shyness...but now I just think that you don't know what you want. That's not attractive. Love, at her wits end post comment

stars that lie [26 Nov 2009|03:09pm] amazing_peter_h Its thanksgiving, this is what today is. Dates and holidays seem to have lost meaning now. Anyway continuing on, after Megan I continued working for WR Meadows (warehouse) with my dad, I was only 20 but I was getting drunk every weekend because I shoplifted from a local Albertsons, then got messed up and spent my time at a japanese arcade by myself, this seemed like good times I guess. When I turned 21 I got into a relationship with a girl named Elizabeth, my first real girlfriend and my first love. She had short red hair, creamy white irish complexion, D cups, and a hourglass figure. She was actually more of a nerd than me if you can believe it, she was completely into renaissance fairs, pagans, medieval culture, and actually made paganism her religion, in addition to the usual nerd hobbies of anime and comic books, and fantasy novels. I loved her so much, and this part of my life is so difficult to write about. From two points. 1. This was possibly the happiest time of my life, and when I'm happy I enjoy the moment, not analyze as much which means I don't remember EXACT details 2. This hurts and makes me uncomfortable. But I'll write down what I can. Yes I was happy, happier than I EVER had been. I was in love and it was my first real relationship, in which I went on dates, held hands, went through what young couples do. I used every single cheesy line and mushy phrase I ever wanted to use, it was my magical romance. I was connecting to someone, not being rejected. Feeling wanted, wanting back. Kissing, loving, touching, holding. For the first time in my life I felt human. She was still a virgin (probably still is for all I know) so she wanted to hold off on having sex. I damn sure was still a virgin and wanted to change that, but I held back, content to having multiple backseat make-outs, I was the first to see her breasts naked and suck on them, the first to ever undo her bra, the first to ever dry hump her, the first to ever hold her semi-naked while she sat straddled on my lap. I saw movies with her, went to museums with her, met her mom and step-mom, met her blind father and his service dog Odysseus Love........... We dated for approximently 4 months, not long at all, but it felt like forever. Cut to Halloween 29-31, 2003. She invited me and her friend to go to a Renaissance Faire and join with her group. I said yes, when we got there I had to meet some of the nerdiest people ever, including the one person that I have ever laser-beamed hate in my heart towards. His name was Zach, and he was the leader of his (mostly female) troupe of faire actors. He was the epitome of obnoxious, he was loud and corny, talked in a stupid accent, bossy, just everything I hate in people. And somehow all these women/girls were all over him. I was of course the newcomer, and a social retard so I just sort of hovered behind Liz, but amid all of this, I was so uncomfortable I had to fake sickness, so nobody would ask too many questions when I just stayed in our tent for pretty much the whole thing, listening to my headphones and crying (yeah I know.) I hated life more at that time than any other time, I was literally a curled up ball of hate, regressing into a primitive state in which all other emotional connections were severed to allow bad emotion more potency. Even worse, I had to hear him and another member of his troupe (her name was Lorelei, fuck I even remember her name) have sex in the tent next to me, their primitive grunts and gasps a soundtrack to my animosity. I was once again faced with the rage, the resentment, this douchebag was having everything I wanted a small piece of in chunks, and I was this.....this monster. Spurned, shunned, rejected, ignored. Nothing in the world hurts so much. I must have looked like a real freak, either locked away in my own little corner or stomping out and away from them. Liz looked completely overwhelmed, and was on the verge of a nervous breakdown on the drive back. It was Halloween, and she said she wanted to back home to sleep, but I really think she wanted to get away from that psycho behavior I was displaying. I spent Halloween alone, in my skeleton suit, drinking five 40oz of King Cobra beer and taking small shots of a Jack Daniels Whiskey bottle on a abandoned playground slide. I was trying to drown the pain, and I was really thinking the words "Drown it" as I took swigs. A mantra from hell. Two weeks later, she would break with me, and I would be confronted with a reaper of a more ruthless sort, but I'll write about that later, this was almost too much for me. Thanks for listening. I'm posting these lyrics by Stone Sours "Through Glass" because it reminds me and seems to soundtrack what I was going through. 'm looking at you through the glass... Don't know how much time has passed Oh god it feels like forever But no one ever tells you that forever Feels like home sitting all alone inside your head How do you feel? That is the question But i forget.. you dont expect an easy answer When something like a soul becomes Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes You cant expect a bit of hope And while your outside looking in Describing what you see Remember what your staring at is me Cause I'm looking at you through the glass... Don't know how much time has passed All i know is that it feels like forever When no one ever tells you that forever Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head How much is real? So much to question An epidemic of the mannequins Contaminating everything When thought came from the heart It never did right from the start Just listen to the noises (No more sad voices) Before you tell yourself Its just a different scene Remember its just different from what you've seen Im looking at you through the glass... Don't know how much time has passed And all i know is that it feels like forever When no one ever tells you that forever Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head And its the starrrssss The sttarrrsss That shine for you And its the starrrssss The sttarrrsss That lie to you.. yeah-ah I'm looking at you through the glass... Don't know how much time has passed Oh god it feels like forever But no one ever tells you that forever Feels like home, sitting all alone inside your head Cause I'm looking at you through the glass... Don't know how much time has passed All i know is that it feels like forever But no one ever tells you that forever feels like home, sitting all alone inside your heaaaaddd And its the starrrssss The sttarrrsss That shine for you.. yeah-ah And its the starrrssss The sttarrrsss That lie to you.. yeah-ah And its the starrrssss The sttarrrsss That shine for you.. yeah-ah And its the starrrssss The sttarrrsss That lie to you.. yeah-ah yeah Ohhhoh the starrs Ohhh oh the starrrrs that liieee post comment

dear d.i.g.h.v. [26 Nov 2009|01:04am] dear______ [grlwthabk] I hate having emotional conversations with drunks. I didn't come back here to mourn with you, I'm tired of mourning...especially when I'm the only one who will remember it. Yes, we miss him. Yes, he was the best man in the world. And, yes, I think of him everyday and Michael too for that matter. But I don't want to sit here and listen to you cry about it...to you repeat stories because you're developing Korsakoff's syndrome even as we speak. We've done this before, we did this way back when, and, frankly, now that I'm a self-sufficient adult I don't want to do it anymore. You've leaned to much too many times, you've drank to much too many times, I can't bring myself to treat you with kid gloves anymore...its not my job. At fifty-something its time to stop drowning your troubles in a bottle, dumping your problems on other people, and taking in strays to make you feel better about yourself. Tiredly, the once-upon-a-time judge's daughter post comment

Learn some manners, fool! [24 Nov 2009|01:23am] dear______ [dominoxxx] Dear S, You don't know this I know, but I am in love with you. I have been ever since that day when I was 15 years old.I didn't notice you at first, I'm shocked that I didn't. We talked so easily about everything...I felt such a strong pullto you. I'm 20 now and you are back in my life and back in my mind. WHY? I don't understand why this is happeningand why you are acting the way that you are. STOP PLAYING GAMES! Don't you remember that that is what ended usall those years ago? I wanted so badly for this time around to be different, but I just feel the same old shit coming back around. I am trying SO HARD to be forthright and show you what I want, but you seem so obtuse. I am only willing to go so far and pursue you for so long before I give up. I really hate this. Besides being clearer with your intentions you NEED TO LEARN SOME MANNERS! I don't care we are only conversing over facebook chat, if you are going to just up and leave THEN TELL ME! Don't just go idle then log off. Am I really that boring? I've brought this up before...I thought you understood what I was saying. I guess you are dumber then you look. It's really not that hard to leave a quick 'brb' or 'hey i gotta go! ttyl' I mean seriously. When you do that it makes me feel like you just got bored of me or that I don't matter. I have feelings you know, they are not lost in translation over facebook chat. Also, you need to respond in a more timely matter. I hate that I'm always sitting around waiting for you to reply. I hate that I am sitting around waiting for you period. I am getting so many mixed signals from you...it's taking over my mind and I cannot stand it. You have no idea how much I care for you. You have ALWAYS been there in the back of my mind. I could never stop thinking about you. When you popped up that one night....I thought we were being given a second chance..I was sure of it. But now...I'm not so sure. My life before you came back was good, great even. I was happy and content bumping along at my own pace doing my own thing. Why did you have to come back around and screw everything up again? Even if we don't date, can't we just hang out? See where it goes from there? Why did you come back if nothing is going to happen and I'm just going to feel like crap again?I'm only human, I don't have superpowers where I can just turn off my emotions and feelings. I wish that I did. I hate feeling like a fool. I hate you for making me one. I hate that I am so in love with you. love, A post comment

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