maybe you'll be the listening ear I need

thejazzband

2008-02-09T16:47:16Z

what we really want
is to be able to sulk and rant and whine and ignore you and push you away
while you stick by us

and no, him and I, we don't know each other anymore.

If you take my hand it won't be long before we're too far gone, because me looking at you is only be the beginning of us losing our minds.

Tell me why so often we feel alone. Tell me who you want me to be when you look at me so intently. If I wore heart-shaped sunglasses would the world be any more lovely... like aimless bus rides and the miniature paws of black kittens and a good acoustic song like so. Tell me how do people get to live life and still take so many photographs and what all the unphotogenic people can do is make faces and pretend to be almost-pretty and then tell me: what about all those who are camera-shy? What are we supposed to do?

Now perhaps we can finally move apart and you can stop stealing my black pens and the next time I see you we can laugh when you say you miss being in love with me ^_^ but most of all, most of all maybe we'll find bits of each other in new people we meet and come to love. Thank you thank you thank you.

As always, fleeting, transitory moments that belong only for a moment to the present and then forever to the past; one can never really be objective with memories.

I tell myself this year will be one of learning to use words again like I used to.
Just between us two and this white space: I feel like I belong with you.

silence

2007-11-03T09:14:01Z

Silence by Kuik Swee Boon

The isolation and alienation of individuals result from their inability to find a place for themselves in this world. That which is spoken is often lost in the roar of everyday living. To listen, one must be silent. And in silence, all that remains is oneself

it's never enough.

2007-10-11T17:59:55Z

3.15 in the morning, stray words lie abandoned on the streets. lyrics ran through my head and for once i remembered them. someone whistles to the melody and snuck up to me, putting his arms around me. kisses in the air, and his stubble pricks again my skin, but he doesn't seem to notice. i forgot what he said about his love, so i prompted him, because i want to hear it from him again. it's never enough.

tonight i am clumsy with words.

moonlight sonata

2007-09-24T00:33:41Z

the peace of this night makes it perfect for beautiful words like yours
the sky is dimly lit with moonlight, embellished with stars in full bloom
i can see your face, just slightly, the shadows playing with patterns on you
i trace my fingertips along them, and they make a pretty picture.

it could be all right

2007-09-24T00:33:09Z

Even as I lie flat on my back I feel the heaviness of the heart weighing down on me. I always encourage my peers to open up to me, but I never did open up to them. The thoughts run wild in my head, crashing into one another but I find no way to articulate them. I think and think and think, I've thought myself out of happiness one million times, but never once into it. It was the disease of, I don't know. It wasn't that I have no faith in them; I had none in me. I assumed that they wouldn't be interested in listening to my troubles. I assumed that they couldn't help, even if I told them, because most of all, it was a self-inflicted depression of some sorts. No, it wasn't, it was the disease of thinking that nobody could help. I tell people that a burden shared is a burden halved, but when it comes to myself, it goes: a burden shared is a burden multiplied. Because something happened before. The past is an unerasable smear, a blemish, a stain that's so stubborn. I tell people to tell me their troubles, but who's going to help me? In the end I am alone. Am I left alone? Sometimes I think I am alone by choice. Even I myself find no meaning in these feelings sometimes. They come and go, but sometimes when they come, they overwhelm, to the point that I feel like I'm being devoured by them. The seconds bleed, and it's such a torture to go on. She saw a lifetime of earth in front of her, and chose instead a single moment in the air. When things get this low, I tell myself that there's no way out except up.

Incoherence pervades this entry but please, pardon me. The first thing I'll teach my children is not values, virtues, and whatnot, but to tell them how wonderful it is to be alive. I think whenever things get low, this should be what's ringing in their heads. It's a tragedy we have to live, but it's even more tragic that we only get to live one life.

I don't know what I need. I don't know what I need to get myself out of this state. But it's 2.54am now, and maybe after one night's sleep I'll wake up not remembering I ever wrote this entry or felt this way. Maybe.

Take care, love. And things will take care by themselves

because that's what beautiful words do to me

2007-09-12T11:32:16Z

I love how strangers' words blow me away. And I miss the times when my own words blew myself away.

after a long time

2007-08-10T13:11:03Z

the raindrops pelted down hard against me like regret. running from you is like running from the rain; useless. it catches you and drenches you with it, your hair, your cheeks, your arms. the tears blend together with the rain into a salty mix, and the streetlights burned fluorescent on me. i got lost on the way home and remembered how you kissed me, on the cheek, on the lips, under those same streetlights. We were beautiful, and you still are. But now, all I am is a mess of smudged mascara and kohl liner. I get broken too, you know.

silent

2007-02-20T06:18:32Z

I never know what to say anymore.

my breath caught and i couldn't breathe

2006-12-30T14:35:04Z

I was fooled for a moment, and dared not breathe. Then you kept appearing everywhere, and I thought to myself, this must be fate. The third time round I was convinced he wasn't you, but these days coincidences scare me. Because I just dreamt of you last night after such a long time, and today an almost carbon copy of you appeared.

But don't you understand? I don't want a carbon copy of you, I want you.

don't let it be

2006-12-06T04:14:47Z

Will tonight be my last chance at happiness?

dreaming of you

2006-11-30T09:54:50Z

I dream of you nowadays more than i can keep count, which i usually do, because you're special.

I see less of you now but still I can, I can picture that darlie-white grin of yours. I just want to see it, in life form, and not some blurred, sketchy image in my rusty mind. (It needs you to keep it fresh, you see.)

I can't seem to shake you off. I know, next Wednesday night when I see you again, I know, my breath will catch in my throat and I'll be thrown off my feet. You will reawaken the aching desire in me, and I will crumble inside, but maintain the smile that's expected at that kind of occasion.

It's a special occasion, but not ours.

but i can't let go.

2006-08-14T13:35:01Z

I've waited far too long for something that doesn't belong to me and I should move on, already.

thanks, and i'll see you again.

2006-08-10T13:19:05Z

His megawatt smile in every photo catches my breath somehow, what is it that makes him smile with his heart, without qualms, unlike all the other guys who refuse to smile in photos to keep their cool. his happiness makes me sad because I can't share it.

oneword: copy

2006-07-29T13:47:21Z

Would i find a carbon copy of you somwhere in the future, and would that copy love me back like you had never? It's no use, I keep telling that's it's no use holding on, but something's holding me back. It's your perfectness. It's the knowing that there would never be a carbon copy of you. You're not one in a million, you're the only one.

tell me, did you see

2006-07-21T13:43:57Z

When our eyes met, could you see them screaming with desire, burning, did you see through my soul, aching, I couldn't read your eyes, they spoke in a language so foreign I couldn't understand, why oh why, my heart tried to capture you in my dreams, but you were so blurry, never clear enough so I had forgotten, but it isn't important anyway, because it was only a dream. It was only a dream. Oh, and how we hope.

oneword: grounds

2006-07-14T13:57:30Z

When i decided to tread on these treacherous grounds called your heart, your feelings, your mind, I should have known that one day i would get hurt. i would trip over bumps, fall into sinkholes and suffocate and choke on my own tears, or just roll down the hills and stay at the foot forever. These wounds are invisible, yet stained into my very being. My grounds could never compromise yours, but why did I try so hard in the first place? I wanted to conquer your territory, oh i did.

oneword: pane

2006-07-05T12:58:33Z

Your promises disappeared into the wind faster than my breath on the window pane did. I turned back my shoulder and what I saw were your words fallen apart. Tell me you loved me, once, before.

it's all right, girl.

2006-07-02T10:22:30Z

Drink yourself silly and tell yourself this will never happen again, ever, but no, you can't be trusted with promises because what happened to that, and that, and everything else that got lost with the wind, the kisses you blown that flew away with the discoloured leaves like a sandstorm and you can't see what's going on in front of you but weren't you always this blind even without the grains crippling your vision pixelated you're distorted and suddenly i don't know what's going on because already i'm slipping away, and finally i'm out of reach. Don't bother, just don't.

oneword: petal

2006-05-27T14:11:57Z

oneword: petal

Petals dropped one
by one
like stars falling falling
from the sky
slip through my hand one
by one
i can't catch my wishes
can't catch
You.
Like a shooting star
Too fast for
Me.

it eats at the core, eroding it away

2006-05-25T13:29:17Z

You yearn to read his writing but your heart aches when you realise the probability of him writing about another girl but you can't stop him from loving, and you can't stop your heart from hurting.

I wrench my heart dry of tears and tell myself to stop hoping. Because, as always, at the end of hoping hangs a very dismal thing called disappointment, with heartbreak threatening to make the self fall apart.

you turned into a star

2006-05-21T13:24:42Z

The silence stretched itself like a rubber band on its threshold threatening to snap and before we knew it the distance that wedged itself between us wasn't physical but mental and there and then though you were sitting just inches away from me and I knew your mind was in outer space where i couldn't reach, like the stars. You turned into a star, and somewhere along the way I learnt that stars don't fall from the sky, and neither could they be reached. They remain distant.

I wish a shooting star would appear then so I can catch it. Catch you.

maybe it doesn't matter anymore

2006-05-11T13:06:14Z

It's weird how I always seem to lose interst in a guy after knowing he's attached. It's good in a way, I guess. Well it's not as if I have a chance even before he's got himself a girlfriend I suppose. And although I appreciate my friend telling me all sorts of information about him because she has more "connections", somehow it tugs me how she seems to take delight in being more "connected" to him than I am, and how my crush has gradually become hers. Maybe it's subconscious on her part, but really, it doesn't change the fact. When we approach this issue, I just laugh it off saying I don't mind, but secretly, I really don't know how I feel about it. But maybe, it really doesn't really matter anymore, because the feelings for him are dying down again. I tell myself he's just another face in the crowd, although he stands out like no other. But I don't like when we see him in the corridors my friend keeps giving me knowing looks and stifling her giggles when now she's the one who's more interested. I should just tell her that she can have the monopoly of gushing over him; I'm not interested anymore.

all the sweet-nothings

2006-04-23T09:59:40Z

Oh, won't you sing me a love song, darling
tell me your love stories, never mind if i'm not your
lover girl
just wanna hear you talk
whisper
hold me close pretend i'm her i'll pretend i don't know
i'll change your mind you'll change yours
you make forever seem like a moment, one
that belongs to us, us, us.
i'll ask more, more, more,
will you give it to me?

it's only him.

2006-04-21T14:36:24Z

To him I must remember I am only just another, just another face, another girl in the crowd. I must not and cannot afford myself to explore the different possibilities despite friends suggesting them because they mean some kind of hope for me, and with hope, like expectation, comes disappointment, and who wants that to happen to them? But at least, I find some kind of comfort in the knowledge that I am somewhat slightly more than a faceless person in the crowd, because surely they recognise me after all these electrifying (at least, to me) meeting of gazes.

But still, I must not let my mind wander to those treacherous grounds.

i'm the fool. what's new?

2006-04-12T14:07:18Z

I feel sad for you because you looked so sad too, over your failed relationship. All i know is that, if it were me, i wouldn't do that to you.

maybe one day you'll find me in her and you'll realise that perhaps i'm not so bad after all.