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IN THE YEAR 2000:
# People will stop saying "P.U.", to instead say "W.X."
# The government will finally change "Orange" to a word that's easier to rhyme.
# All men will shave -- each other.
# Green will be renamed yellowy blue.
# The hyphen will replace the dash and the dash will replace the hyphen, only to find no one noticed.
# J.D. Salinger will emerge from nearly half a century of seclusion just to tell people that his name is really pronounced "sah-linger".
# The public will demand the NBA increase to a 52-week schedule, to keep Shaquille O'Neil too busy to make movies.
# The American educational system will be thrown into chaos by a grown man in Illinois using algebra in real life.
# Years of research will finally convince literary scholars once and for all that William Shakespeare did not author "Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret".
# Oprah Winfrey will quit her daytime talk show to devote her time to her favorite cause, pancakes.
# There will only be three chickens left in the world -- three very neurotic chickens!
# A race of space aliens with low self-esteem will invade us and force us to make them our slaves.
# Vegetarianism will fall out of fashion following plants everywhere finally figuring out how to scream.
# Secret documents from Baskin-Robbins will reveal that they stopped at 31 flavors because flavor 32 tasted too much like Gary Coleman.
# Bill Gates will be impoverished by spending all his 70 billion dollars on research to fight dorkiness.
# The Beastie Boys will finally become Beastie Men, after going through Beastie Puberty.
# Flags across the nation will fly at half-mast to honor the new holiday, "Half-Mast Day".
# The phrase "the whole nine yards" will finally replace "the whole kit and caboodle," following the linkage of "caboodles" to Osama Bin Laden.
# Jazz will be replaced by loud slurping noises.
# The product "2000 Flushes" will be renamed "A Flush A Year Since Christ Was Born".
# A cure for the common cold will be developed, tragically coinciding with the invention of the snot-powered car.
# The discovery of the original Ten Commandments, with a little heart drawn over every letter "i", will lead scholars to believe that God is a twelve-year-old girl.
# The two sheep cloned in 1997 will be exposed as frauds, as their costumes were unzipped to reveal Milli Vanilli.
# Man will finally become able to travel ten times the speed of light, thanks to NASA's development of an otherwise useless gadget that slows light way down.
# Baby seals will be hunted not for their fur, but instead for revenge.
# A badly drawn cartoon hamster elected to the Senate will be indicted on federal racketeering charges and, though cleared, will be forced to leave office under a cloud of suspicion.
# The discovery of a giant yarmulke covering most of the North Pole under the snow will prompt the planet's being renamed "Earth Goldstein".
# Legal experts will be baffled by the Supreme Court's ruling that Keanu Reeves is every bit as talented as Sally Jesse Raphael.
# The birds and the bees will finally get it on, creating the fearsome creature of The Bumblehawk.
# The food chain will suddenly reverse after millions of years of stability, sending zebras to hunt down lions, and sending Pop-Tarts to hunt down man.
# McDonald's stands will begin popping up at a rate of ten per day... all by themselves!
# Wearing a T-shirt with a drawing of a tuxedo on it will be fresh and funny all over again!
# A worldwide rebellion of armed apes on horseback will be crushed by an army of horses on apeback.
AND...
# The moon will finally get sweet revenge by landing on man!

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