all the words in my mouth

Sat, 31 Dec 2005 07:19:36 GMT

i got nostalgic. i looked through my journal. i found some quotes. i found ones that were either especially memorable, or represented a certain state of something bigger. and i put them in a giant list in order. i have a life, okay? i do.
JAN
im so glad two-thousand and four is over...what an awful year.
aaah "the worst is over."
Im really scared of two thousand and five. i still struggle with school, and lack confidence when it comes to hanging out with people. basicly im tired of bullshit. and not looking forward to more of it.
Basicly, i cant care about my dad anymore.
i think im going to gauge my ears. its a sudden impulse. i was thinking half inch. yeah too bad its expensiveXc0re and a total sudden-impulse anyway.
I bought my mother flowers.

FEB
i want the rich boy, i want the rich boy but the rich boy, he doesnt want me. i like the pretty girls, i like the pretty girls but the pretty girls, they dont like me. adapt, adapt, adapt.
ive decided falling out of love can be a very good thing. it makes you appreciate who your friends are. sweet, simplifying. genuine.
after i trudge through this bullshit i am rewarding myself with a wonderful summer. im going to lots of shows and parties and kickbacks and skinny-dipping adventures. because i deserve it, god damn it.
theres no sense in embarking in that same old journey, the one where i set out to make new friends and take new drugs and exersize my rights to rebel. ive already done all of that and in the end its always the same: im jaded, embarrased, and broke.
dear freddy~with your amazing and well-deserved success, i was thinking you're probably way to busy to play a very insignificant house show with Reptar… dear alex~ Yes, I am totally down to play a house show!!! --Freddy
failing all my classes. i dont do the work. i hate school.
scared to death of drug dealing drama.

MARCH
good-bye grandpa.
i just took drugs, and i cut myself too.
the last thing i clearly remember is my sister holding a cigarette infront of my face in the dark. …am i really too high to tap the ash from this cigarette? i woke up being quite confident i hadnt blacked out, but then when i tried to put things together the night before was a void. i checked my stash and forgot how many i had started with, how many i'd taken that week and how many i'd taken the night before.
yeah yeah, mr coller, so i look strung out. leave me alone.
so after a long sleepless night of feeling like the worst person on earth, today my fears were confirmed: i am going nowhere and ive lost control of myself. i make myself sick.
i got arrested today. im prety sure i called erik who said, basicly, that i was screwed.
tonight, i went walking with a ghost. and you should be so jealous. (Tegan and sara show with deann, andrea, and some other ladies)
YOU CANT LIVE AS A FUCK UP ANYMORE. YOU DONT WANT TO LIVE AS A FUCK UP ANY FUCKING MORE.

APRIL
so today justine and i kind of leaned against a fire alarm.
mom: youre throwing it all away! me: ...because i am GAUGING my EAR? mom: YES!
now my grandma's dead too.
i have been sober for one month, three days, and twenty-ish hours. what a month, three days, and twenty hours it has been. i spent all of third period thinking about drugs. i miss them. i know if someone were to put a bottle of anything infront of me, id drink until i passed out. i want to drink until i pass out. i want to take all the pills in the world and never come down.
i know youll change and when you do i'll be able to forgive you. but for now youre a selfish asshole and i wish you wouldnt ignore me.
things are looking up.

MAY
by 10:30 there was sand, soda cans, and cigarette butts everywhere. i had only heard positive things about the show. people congratulated me for pulling it off. everyone had fun. nothing bad happened
“alex, just wanted to write you to say thank you sooo much for doing the show and thanks for having me play your house!! i had a super fun time!! thank you so much!! -freddy"
concerta, 18mg for one week, possible increase to 36 mgs.
in other news my hair has a very cheesy turqoise and purpl chunk in it. very hot topic. but fun, i s'pose.
yay happy mothers day my beautiful wife i got drunk just to show my love…sitting at my desk completely dead, while my mom shakes my shoulders and asks "whats wrong with you?" and "why is he doing this?"
mr fauver really hates me and expressed this by stomping into class and glaring at me until others were distracted. i nearly peed myself and when the bell rang ran like hell.
some attractive guy thinks im attractive. *ego shoots out fire works*…he said i was cute. i blushed.
watching the sun rise through the doors of the storage bin...the smell of cat urine and marlboro reds lingering in the crisp, dewy air.

JUNE
oh and my dad tried to drink himself to death so now he's in the hospital for the bajillionth time and its sad to think im starting to hope more for his death than recovery, since hope is so exhausting when repeatedly met with only dissapointment.
truth is, sharing a pack of turkish royals and watching experimental film and laughing at ourselves on a bare matress can make for so much more of a good time, if in good company. not a novel idea, you knew it all along, just a lot of people ignore it because they want to "get a lot out of their high school experience."
prom night: virtually perfect.
amanda's backyard is beautiful and i had fun mingling with random acquaintences. i danced a lot. good show.
i went to a strip club in lennox?
I GOT AN A- OR A B ON THE CHEM FINAL, I WAS IN THE TOP FIVE OF THE CLASS
i went to see chris's graduation the other day and we had dinner with his family. he was so happy to see me there. tomorrow is our one month. hmm.
tonight social services is coming over to make sure my mommy doesnt beat me
so today i hauled my virgin self in a car full of fuck ups and misfits to a planned parenthood…

JULY
versus i is an underrated band. possibly because theyve played like 1.2 shows.
barbicue with chris's people in san pedro -->fireworks in el segundo; big lights, big sounds.
i am in a wonderful relationship.
Its my birthday…i am the luckiest girl in the whole wide world. THANK YOU to everyone who came…i am so utterly unworthy, and immensely grateful.
-community service is boring
-my psychologist says i am making excellent progress
we laughed. we cried. we kissed. we made up. ”i want to be with you.” just then, we leaned into eachother, locking lips hard and passionately pressing against eachother. but then: a splatter. overhead dante groaned slightly and the waterfall of vomit continued to drop, splashing the dirt only three feet away.

AUG
the tegan and sara show was swell.
Camping.
its all fun and games until you realize you have to be at franks driving school *very* shortly. the good news is my night was by far more splendid than yours.
"But really, I wanted to call you but was afraid I would myself be a problem in your life.” it would be strange, all these long months later…but all these things considered, id like to start over and be friends again.
this song is called “Mojave” and it makes me climax.
so im not a vegetarian anymore.
chris's mom --abruptly--entered the room, and said "alex's mom is here." (chris's mom saw us both naked.)
im the worst camp runamok employee ever.

SEP
i talked to mr coller at lunch. it felt good to show him how well im doing.
im already realizing how busy i am. i dont have time to do all my assignments; this weekend i have to write a letter, a short story and work on my summer reading project, as well as buy a bunch of shit.
last night chris and i went to a little dinner party thing at kaelyns. we drank jack daniels. i wore theigh-heighs. it was fun.
i miss summer when it'd be me and all the boys at sherwin's or chris's or travis's or josh's, laughing at people or comforting someone who was crying over someone else, drinking beer or vodka or whatever but always in perfect moderation, getting lbj's and cigarettes, going to bonfires. i miss coming home with a delightful and satisfying headache, feeling sore all over simply from laughing too hard, my throat thrashed from histerics and smoke and my head swaying slightly from a poorly considered third beer. i miss the crew and the "night life" and the spontaneous poker games. im feeling satisfied and hopeful.

OCT
i have a wonderful boyfriend that i love dearly. i have the most supportive, fun, and caring friends. im taking fantastic classes and seldom have homework. im not distracted by drugs. my dad isnt doing beligerant things in the front yard. my mom is mellow, and my sister and i get along really well. i like socializing with the mira costans. i had a safe and rewarding summer vacation.
no, they shouldnt feel sorry for me, and they shouldnt respect me anymore than anyone else. i just wish theyd fucking believe me when i say that ive changed.
im just so tired. its only october, but i already need a break. i got lonely and depressed after school so i went to the park and cried and then self-medicated with homework. i started wondering what the point of reading or writing or doing anything, and then what the point of life was, and then my perspective just got too big. its a dismal place to store your conscious. i do everything right. i take my medication every day.
i just want my mother to be proud of me.
halloween costume: chris: wife beater; me: beaten wife. chad, josh, dante, kaelyn and magda and two other people i dont know met up at chris's and we went to tristas party in PV. it was mad fun. when we were driving through the hills, we came up one street and then saw from the top of the cliffs all the lights down below.
got breakfast at rocky cola then busted our asses and rode our bikes to culver city.

NOV
so, adam carolla is leaving loveline.
Tonight: kaeylin ali attilla josh christopher and myself ice skating in pv dinner at rocky cola fun shit.
broken social SCENE
nothings changing, except when i step out of your car i wont kiss you goodbye. it was fun while it lasted. …in only a matter of three days, everything changed. not better, not worse necessarily... just, in six months, you can really build a foundation around something, and when it deteriorates, its weird.
my constant is closer to neutral, now, and i feel healthier than i have in forever. but being at costa, its like being trapped in this ugly photo album, and im terrified of regressing because i can recognize the tiniest signs of me, in fact, regressing. putting off homework, complaining, distancing myself from others.
last night the [Jello and The Melvins] show was killer. very punkXrock. moshing and crowd surfing and even getting a little groped.
i had two really deep really great conversations today and by doing so, learned a lot about myself. im getting so much better at confiding.
…pounded some captain morgan spiced rum. and i said things i shouldnt have said and nearly strangled lindsey and cried a lot…nothing feels worse than self-hatered first thing on a sunday morning.
thanksgiving = buffet in vegas. i ate sushi.
she's choking on the smoke of unthinkable choices, she's haunted by the voices of so many desires….(it was a casual thing…and it was fun.)

DEC
today i saw a transgender speak. today chris, kaelyn, lindsey and i all went to see josh play an open mic in redondo. it was fucking raaaaaaaadical. especially when the mic turned into a waffle cone and he did weezer covers. showed them regular fucks a thing-er two. casey hyde died in a car accident friday night. so the show last night was fun. i got hit in the ear and it really hurts. i also reached a whole new degree of punkness when i actually passed out. yeeeuh.
etc
etc
etc.

Thu, 29 Dec 2005 18:56:05 GMT

i keep waiting for my mental stability and general well-being to come to a screeching halt.
its dangerous to invest hope in its permanence, but i cant help it.

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 21:20:32 GMT

[P E O P L E]

1. Best friends throughout the year? ashley, lysi, erik, chris

2. Best boyfriend/girlfriend? only boyfriend/girlfriend: chris

3. Lost any friends? yup : yup, but mostly i gained

4. Gained any friends? dont you listen?

5. Met a new good friend? emilia (livejournal and local music brings people together) and all the boys and chris's crew

[P L A C E S]

1. Went out of the country? nooo

2. Moved? not place of residence, if thats what you mean

3. New school? nope

4. How many times on an airplane? two? to vegas and back?

5. Road trips? tahoe!

[Y O U]

1. Have you changed? very much so

2. New look? Better clothes? my clothes are still lame, but i look better than i did in the beginning of the year

3. Any new addictions? my love affairs with nicotine have gotten out of control

4. Biggest conflict this year? drugs school family friends sex self esteem

5. Most depressed time this year? the month of march, especially the first two weeks

[L O V E]

1. Did you fall in love? who knows

2. Did you get heartbroken? a little

3. Who was your summer love? chris

4. How many boyfriends/girlfriends this year? 1

5. Favorite date? looking at red tide and getting the nerve to kiss him before i got out of the car at the end of the night.

[S E A S O N S]

1. Favorite Season? summer

2. Least favorite season? spring sucked

3. Good birthday? the very best ive ever had

4. Any snow this year? somewhere, im sure

5. Highest temperature? *shrug*

[F I N A L Q U E S T I O N S]

Snuck out? not really

Met a person who will change your life? whole bunches

Kept your resolution? probably not

Got arrested? yes

Had a first something? yes

Drank Alcohol? yes

Smoked weed/drugs? yes

Did anything illegal? could you stop trying to make me feel like less of a person? damn it, yes.

Kissed a boy/girl? yup

Had a crush? yeah

Liked someone who didn't like you? we're not going there

Lost a family member? both grandparents

Got bad grades? in june i got a 1.8.

Got suspended? so what if i did?

Moved states? nope

Started a band? nope

Spent over 1 million dollars? doubtful

Went streaking? skinny dipping on many occasion

Done something you shouldn't have? whole bunches

Kept a secret? yes

Told a secret? probably

Done something you totally regret? nothing that i really regret now, but at the time i sure did

Changed your view on things/people? about as much as i think its possible to

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 03:14:30 GMT

so lysi and i went to this crazy spa out in corona.
we sat in this gaint hot pool that had some kind of salty mineral water that was probably blessed by holy persons. then we covered ourselves in thick layers of mud all over. then we sat in a steam room that was so dense with thick eucalyptus mist the people on the other side only three feet away looked like figments of a tired and dehydrated imagination. we sat in a giant bathtub surrounded by pillars and then took showers under what was probably the tear ducts of joyously crying angels or something.
very luxurious.

Wed, 28 Dec 2005 01:33:59 GMT

today lysi and i swam in mud.

thats all i have to say.

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 16:34:46 GMT

oh man.

long, nostalic, sappy 2005 post coming up...im so stoked. you should be too.

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 08:31:17 GMT

i meant every word of that christmas card.

but trite flattery wont get you anywhere because this has nothing to do with my self esteem.

maybe my brain is just too good at creating completely fantastical realities, like hidden cameras.
maybe im going insane. but i could have sworn i saw a secret motive. not bad, but thoughtless intentions.

bitchy? paranoid? insecure?
maybe. probably.

but the fact of the matter is,
be honest and straight forward with me.
to act otherwise is an insult.

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 19:37:18 GMT

my mom got me: $300, a bunch of manicure stuff, some sweat pants, two scarves and a tank top, a make up bag, chocolate
my dad got me: an ipod speaker thing, a cool artsy camera, some cards, 'understand your mother immediately' pills, 'understand contemporary art' pills, a shirt that says: what is bjork talking about, a bushisms 2006 calendar, a coin safe to make ammends (i think he's on that 4th step) because he always used to steal money from me and i think owes me somewhere in the thousands because of some will...anyways....a voo doo doll, some starbucks coco, a coffee cup, a roll-up key board
my half sister kristn got me: a purse made out of a trashy 60s romance book cover, some perfume, a bambi shirt, some lip gloss, $60
my sister claire got me: $30 to barns and noble

im such a spoiled brat. merry christmas to all of you.

Sun, 25 Dec 2005 04:49:40 GMT

Anchorless321: dude
Anchorless321: ever since i got my braces off
Anchorless321: ive been addicted to flossing
Anchorless321: is that sad?
MissFoxyNico: lol
Anchorless321: it feels so good
Anchorless321: so clean
Anchorless321: hurts so good, that flossing
Anchorless321: hurts. so. good.
MissFoxyNico: lololololololol

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 01:32:38 GMT

smile. right now. just smile at the screen, just for like, five seconds.

did you smile?

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 18:49:45 GMT

its not the light at the end of the tunnel; its the gruesome clarity once you reach it.
standing at the open mouth, with all the spiraling dark behind you, at the threshold of the sunlight, squinting while your eyes adjust.
tomorrow morning comes into vision, the outlines of the trees and the houses and the clocks and the calendars and the to-do lists. this was the prize, this is what you were so patiently running towards.
but we celebrate our predetermined regret and confliction. raise our glasses in a toast to making mistakes.
even at the time, we knew it was nights like that that people spend their lives seeking. your life consists of one after another, the only memories so specific and clear they punctuate the blurred haze of the seasons and themes of each phase of life.
so we celebrate, dive in headfirst through a ring of circling shark fins, accelerate and unfasten our seatbelts; we blindfold ourselves and fall backward, lean into the fire, stare into the face of an oncoming train.

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 22:58:29 GMT

new tank girl lj icon
i ruuuuuuuuuule

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 18:19:02 GMT

this morning my daddy came in and put the coldplay cd on my desk.

all brand new from the store.

im not sure what made him think to do that.

but i really like coldplay.

and ive wanted the cd for a while.

and its not even christmas yet.

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 04:35:42 GMT

1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? sex drugs and rock n roll

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? im not sure if i made one last year, and im not going to this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? nope

4. Did anyone close to you die? my grandparents, but they werent that close

5. What countries did you visit?? california

6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? a more positive self image

7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory? march 16th, april 30th, july 9th and august 15th

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? throwing a very successful house show

9. What was your biggest failure? letting people down

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? a concussion

11. What was the best thing you bought? my swatch watch is pretty nice

12. Whose behavior merited celebration? my friends who were so effing patient with me

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? my dads

14. Where did most of your money go? cigarettes, bleh

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? my birthday!

16. What song will always remind you of 2005? "mojave" by again, with feeling; "drug ballad" by eminem; anything by the used

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? much much much happier
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner by ten pounds
iii. richer or poorer? poorer

18. What do you wish you'd done more of? school work

19. What do you wish you'd done less of? being angry

20. How will you be spending Christmas? at home with the family

22. Did you fall in love in 2005? just maybe

23. How many one night stands in this last year? my mother taught me better than that.

24. What was your favourite TV programme? i dont watch much tv, but i like americas next top model

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? i dont think so, but possibly

26. What was the best book you read? im not sure. none come to mind.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? broken social scene, death cab, a lot more im too lazy to think of

28. What did you want and get? better relations with people

29. What did you want and not get? world peace?

30. What was your favourite film of this year? 40 year old virgin was funny.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i turned sixteen, and my friends threw me a party

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? accomplishing something neat like...i dont know...winning an award or something

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? the whole "im trying to look depressed and unkept because i want you to be concerned," then it was more like "i want to be original" then it was "im casual, but cute" then it was "lets admit it, im indie."

34. What kept you sane? livejournal.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? brad pitt in fight club...i know its cliche. and chad michael murrey in house of wax.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? abooooorrrrrtiiiioooooon

37. Who did you miss? my family, erik when he left for wisconsin, chris when we first broke up, a couple friends

38. Who was the best new person you met? all of them

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005. you cant change people; acceptance is key.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year? get the lyrics to Better Son/Daughter, by Rilo Kiley.

Tue, 20 Dec 2005 04:18:07 GMT

today chris and i got coffee then went to pv to surf with chad
on the way there his car broke down
we restarted it in the middle of pv north
so we got there
and it wouldnt start again after chad was done surfing
so we called a tow truck
an hour later, it came
but only had room for two of us.
so we waited for one with a flatbed for an hour
they didnt have any
so i called my sister to get a ride
so most of the day was spent in chris's car, smoking cigarettes out of boredom, drawing on my face and talking
fun in one of those this-is-so-shitty-its-funny sort of ways.

Mon, 19 Dec 2005 01:08:50 GMT

today emilia and i went for a long walk.
we talked about music elitism, one of my favorite topics, among other things.

and whatever you think about mainstream/underground, your favorite band getting famous, going to shows, the scale used to measure scenester cred, yada yada yada,
i think it comes down to the fact that
you listen to music
and so do lots of other people
and that in itself is cool and universal
so why dont we just celibrate that no matter how
punkrockhiphopstreetcredscenesterdivapopsterprincessjazzintelectualmusicalenthusiast you are
you have something in common with the person sitting next to you.

even if they do more or less drugs than you do.

Sun, 18 Dec 2005 02:15:19 GMT

-walked to lysis
(note: thats my house to avenue B in redondo.)
-got house of vege
-ate a lot. a lot a lot.
-slept.
-woke up, got ride to hermosa at nine
-went to the gallery, the thrift store, saw erik anderson, saw amanda, saw jessica baskins and her buddies
-went to spalsh, hung out
-went to restyle, hung out
-went to biglots where we walked the isles for hours
-went to jack in the box's, got curly fries
-went to a record store, a magazine store, spent half an hour in sav-on listening to a radio and smelling mens deoderants.
-went to whole foods to see a girl named jas from animal mannequin
-eventually ended up back at lysis.

this is how it feels to run a marathon. i havent sat down since noon.

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 00:11:49 GMT

its finally break.
im glad. i want to catch up on my sleep.
hang out with people i dont usually hang out with.
go for long walks.
all that good stuff.

theyre filming CSI miami at costa.

ps.
am i the only one in the universe that cannot, for the life of me, figure out how to work itunes?
ive had an ipod sitting on my desk for two weeks. itd be nice if i didnt have the technological inteligence of an amish.

Fri, 16 Dec 2005 02:33:24 GMT

they try, oh yes, they go over and try and brainwash you into thinking i was something i wasnt, but now you know the truth. and the truth rules.

i love it when ive been dreading a history test all day,
and i sit down,
and i think, okay, so im going to fail this exam. ill just have to work my ass off on the final. life goes on.
and my teacher says, get out a sheet of paper. write your name and period.
and we all do,
and then he says, oops, i forgot something.
and up where the agenda is written on the board
next to "Unit Exam"
he writes
"My bad. no test."

and we all heave an enormous sigh of relief.

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 00:09:11 GMT

i dont have braces anymore. thats a good thing.
i have a lot of tests tomorrow. major bummer.
i feel alright, but i have a lot on my mind.
its strange but nice, though, having this undeniable assurance that things will work out.

i'm sorry i didn't sound more excited on the phone; i'm sorry that after all these years,
i've left you feeling unrequited and alone, brought you to tears.
i guess i never loved you quite as well as the way you loved me,
i guess i'll never really be able to tell you how sorry
i am.
and i don't know what it is about you, i just know it's not what it was;
i don't know why red fades before blue, it just does.
and i don't know what it is about me, that i just can't keep still;
i keep thinking someday i will make this all up to you,
and maybe someday,
i will.

Wed, 14 Dec 2005 01:32:07 GMT

my day was chaotic but satisfying. i feel very....capable.

(*&edit(*&
oh, and also like im the biggest fuck up, but i promised you i wouldnt get so insecure, so....i'll see you around, when the dust settles.

(*&edit)(*&
but despite my shortcomings, today i made someone feel better, and that makes me feel better.

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 04:53:00 GMT

Q: what page are you on?
A: i like that page.

shit talkin' fools dont get me down; the people that matter back me up.

and i wonder if al shaw knows who i am or that i stalked him this evening.

Mon, 12 Dec 2005 06:51:58 GMT

today i got breakfast/lunch with chris at el gringo. we drove in his crazy car. then i went to the flea market with ashley. we ate at gouchos grill and went on mullholand to see the lights. it was fun.

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 03:03:02 GMT

-The name game-
Your name- alex ann benke
The name you wish you had instead(if any)- eh, my name's alright.
The name your parents were also thinking about naming you(if any)- molly, paige, tess
What if anything were you named after- half the population
Do you like your name?- its alright. simple, androgenous.
Do you know anyone with your name?- in 8th grade i knew five Alex B's.
How many people?182748378923759275

-Christmas(If you are Jehovah's Witness or Jewish,Jewish,etc. disregard)-
What do you want for Christmas?someone to come over and put all my music on my ipod for me, and a million dollars to amoeba
Do you think you will get it?no, but im okay with that since i need to face my fear of computers eventually and i have an ipod.
How much money do you spend on people for Christmas? this year....im broke.
are you sending out Christmas Cards?- nah, but i may hand-deliver a few
What age did you stop believing in Santa Clause? *shrug* 6? 7?
Do you Like Christmas? bah humbug! yes, i do.
What time do you wake up on Christmas Morning? eearly. sixish.

-Are you currently-
Tired?- a little
Happy?- certainly not unhappy.
sad?- nah
angry?- nope
excited?- not for anything imparticular
bored?- nah. im multitasking
blah?- i feel positive.

The thing-
I worry about most is- other people
I care about most is- the people who care about me
I am best at is- getting teachers to think im "mature" and "articulate."
I am worst at is- opening up to people.
I cry the most about is- feeling weak
that makes me the happiest is- my friends
that makes me sad is- my own shortcomings and good people with conspicuously low self esteem

-other-
What TV show did you watch last? americas next top model
What song did you listen to last(are are you listening to now?) toy soldiers, eminem
What movie did you last saw at the theatre? i think In Her Shoes.
What is the last movie you saw at home? titanic. it was actually chris's home. i dont watch movies here.
What time did you go to bed? 4am. usually around 12, though.
What time did you wake up today? 11am.
What have you eaten today? some tofu ice cream bars, a cliff bar

-just for fun-
the first song that pops into your head- the 9th song on the arcade fire cd
a line from this song- "sleeping is giving in, no matter what the time is. sleeping is giving in, so lift those heavy eye lids."
do you like this song- yes, a lot
does it have any special meaning? it makes me want to go out to see people i care about, and the lights on pv at night.
who is it by? arcade fire
has it been redone by anyone? i dont think so

-who-
do you love? people whove been patient with me. erik, chris, lindsey, ashley, lysi, andrea, my sister, really many others
do you think loves you most? my mother
annoys the shit out of you? i dont want to name names on livejournal, but two people i go to school with.
makes you sad? people with conspicuously low self-esteem
from your past do you miss? no one, really, but the old identities of people who've changed

-do you-
cry too much? not really
sleep a lot? i wish
spend more than 4 hrs at a time online? maybe two hours a day, but not all at once.
get bitched at a lot? no
wish you were dead? heck no

-how many times have you-
cut your self? in the triple digits. sue me, we all went through our angsty phases.
had sex? i'd be classless of me, sheesh.
gotten into a real fight? none. screaming fits, a few times.
cried yourself to sleep? probably quite a few, but not recently.
swore at your parents? five or ten, with full force.

-are you-
insecure? about some things.
egotistic? no, but i think sometimes i come off that way. i try not too.
sad? not currently.
angry at the world? no. i get frustrated with people who are.
a failure? no, dammit.

-random-
confess one thing- casie hyde's death made me think about how bad the initials AAB would look on a sweatshirt.
what was one rumor started about you in HS- generally that im worse than i am.
was it true? no. ive always been dorky. im really not a hardass.
do you like who you've become? yes
any last words? ...why, are you going to kill me?

40 questions about 2005.
1) Was 2005 a good year for you? the very worst and the very best.
2) What was your favorite moment of the year? walking outside in the midst of my confusion and then hearing "surprize!" and seeing everyone's face smiling at me.
3) What was your least favorite moment of the year? confrontations involving officer martin and my parents, on both the same and different occasions.
4) Where were you when 2005 began? some guy named matts house in hermosa.
5) Who were you with? some girls from track.
6) Where will you be when 2005 ends? i have no idea.
7) Who will you be with when 2005 ends?who knows.
8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2005? i think so, more than i thought i would, and unintentionally.
10) Did you fall in love in 2005? maybe, just maybe
11) If yes, with who? chris haddock
12) If yes, do they know? i think so
13) Are you still in love with them?no, but i still -love- him. just not....eh, you know the deal.
14) Do you regret it? no way.
15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2005? yes, chris.
16) Did you make any new friends in 2005? quite a few, and i got closer to many of my old friends.
17) Who are your favorite new friends? all of them?
18) What was your favorite month of 2005? july.
19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2005? nope.
20) How many different states did you travel to in 2005? nevada, los vegas.
21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2005? not yet.
22) Did you miss anybody in the past year? yes, of course, its been a long year.
23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2005? vanilla sky? 40 year old virgin?
24) What was your favorite song from 2005? couldnt pick one.
25) What was your favorite record from 2005? say anything ...is a real boy and death cab, plans
26) How many concerts did you see in 2005? quite a few...broken social scene, jello and the melvins, propagandhi....im forgetting a bunch, i think.
27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2005? propagandhi was an intense experience. bss was really great, too. i can only remember the recent ones.
28) Did you drink a lot of alchohol in 2005? not really, i'd say.
29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2005? not a wide variety, but in reasonably large quantities.
30) How many people did you sleep with in 2005? what kind of girl do you think i am?
31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year? yes i did. but they were all learning experiences.
33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2005? none traumatic enough to come to mind.
34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2005? unfortunately, but ive been forgiven.
35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2005? yeah, but i forgave them too.
36) How much money did you spend in 2005? not too much. i didnt get anything extravagent.
37) What was your proudest moment of 2005? seeing mr coller after summer, and getting a 3.7 on my progress report.
38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2005? getting walked in on, and having people in health class hear me puke, and crying/passing out in chemistry.
39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2005 and change something, what would it be? im not sure id change anything.
40) What are your plans for 2006? to make it as eventul but maybe without some of the setbacks of 2005

Sat, 10 Dec 2005 07:36:10 GMT

today after school i hung out with doug which ended on an awkward note and left me feeling slightly guilty. then i went over to chris's where we went to lbjs with frank and lindsey and saw steve vargas and then back at chris's we watched titanic.

i was thinking about things i learned this year.

cheese-fest anyone?

-you cant rescue or fix people. you can just help them when they want to be helped and are willing to help themselves.
-to take responsability for my own actions.
-the only thing you can do is do the best you can, and everyone's capeable of that.
-positivity is almost always reflective.
-life is a constant evolution. dont be afraid of agreeing with your enemy. hating people who hate people is dumb and exhausting.
-its better to be alone than in the company of people who make you feel lonely.
-im not that bad, after all.