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You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake

You are the same decaying organic matter as everything E L S E

Created on 2005-08-11 23:45:09 (#7995647), last updated 2006-10-12

117 comments received, 159 comments posted

Basic Account [Gift]

52 Journal Entries, 20 Tags, 5 Memories, 0 Virtual Gifts, 6 Userpics

Basic Info

Name:	Amelia love.
Birthdate:	1988-04-13
Location:	Kentucky, United States

Bio

I'm Amelia. This is my ed journal and I guess its my only online journal. I share my life in here. If your anti-any ED, don't waste my time. Kay, thanks.

If you want to be my friend, add me, I like people.

Okay, I just read something about defining eating disorders and I guess I'm ED-NOS, since my current BMI does not fall below 17.4, I don't think it's anywhere near there. Sadly.

But, I'm messed up in the head.

Current BMI: 21.5

Friday September 29th 2006--I wrote my story down, so I decided to put it here.
Read it. Judge me. I know you will. Then decide.

Somedays, I want to be the little girl nine year old girl shoveling all the food into her mouth, not swallowing barely any of it, and excusing herself to the bathroom where she would spit the food out and flush it down the toilet. She didn’t know that she had an eating disorder, she just knew that it felt like the right thing to do. That didn’t bother her, she felt like she was normal. Her dad called her names like chipmunk cheeks and her mom made comments about it, but it was just what she did during the nightly dinner. It was just what she did. She had no idea that she had a real problem.

Then, the girl got to middle school where she discovered that what she did was a real problem.
People thought she was weird... always going to the bathroom with her mouth full of food. She knew that they talked behind her back. Her best friend was the first one that asked her if she was bulimic. She laughed at her friend and told her no. The little girl honestly didn't know what bulimia was, she was only in sixth grade. So, the little girl asked her mom and once she found out, the little girl wasn't herself anymore. The little girl immediately stopped. She now swallowed her food during meals. She ate less to make up for the fact that she couldn't go to the bathroom to spit out her food anymore.

The girl was still ignorant to the real world of eating disorders, she would occasionally look at herself and think negatively, but she didn't think much of it. It wasn't until high school that she really crashed into it. Freshman year the girl was constantly judging herself, telling herself that she wasn't good enough, that she was fat, that nobody wanted her. She weighed 135 pounds at 5 foot 5, but she thought it was too much. So, she started skipping meals and eating less and less. A few times she didn't eat at all. She saw on the scale that she was loosing weight and it made her feel better about herself. In February of her freshman year, the girl got her first real boyfriend. His name was Alex. She really thought she loved him. Then, he broke up with her at the beginning of sophomore year. His reason was that she was too obsessed with her weight. She clearly remembers him saying, "You look like a fucking anorexic."

That shattered her world. She had obviously heard of anorexia and clearly knew what it was, but she would have never refered to herself as anorexic. She wasn't anywhere close to that. She was 119 pounds at 5 foot 6, but she figured that that was pretty close to normal. She focused on her weight, she knew it was there, but she would have never called herself anorexic.

Thanks to Alex, the idea of anorexia consumed the girl. So, she decided to try long term fasting. One to two weeks at a time. It never worked. The girl would fast for 2 days and then binge for the next week. She ended up gaining 55 pounds by the end of sophomore year. The girl was horrified with herself. She had no idea how it had happened. She watched the numbers continue to go up and up and up and she did nothing to stop them. She just kept doing her mini fasts and super binges. Not knowing, the girl had developed another eating disorder. Binge eating, without purging. The girl knew that all of this had to stop.

For the entire summer before her junior year, the girl ate like a normal person. Three meals a day, no dessert, with the exception of a few social slipups, and a few binges brought on by emotional stress. By the end, she had gained another 5 pounds.

This put the girls weight around 180 to 185.
Junior year was when the girl lost control.

Not really lost, actually more like gained control. The girl would go on the occasional 3-5 day water fast, sometimes she would go for a week long one, she would skip all but dinner on most days. When the girl did eat she would purge the food standardly, if she didn't she cut herself to make herself feel the pain of the food. The girl barely left the house, she was becoming more and more antisocial everyday. Her best friend was worried, people were calling her names, but all the girl cared about was her weight. She used multiple guys to cover up the hurt she felt for herself and felt even more guilt afterwards. By the time summer rolled around the girl had lost an incredible 40 pounds, dropping her slightly close to her start weight, but not nearly close enough to her goal weight.

The girl looked no where near what a textbook would define as anorexic, but her mother still felt that she needed to put the girl in a hospital, she told the girl that she had "damaging habits that were harmful to herself." The girl now knows that her mom put her in the hospital for the cutting. The girl went to the hospital where they filled her head with crazy thoughts, trying to make her change herself. And the girl let them get to her. By the time she was out of the hospital, the girl was 20 pounds heavier.

At the start of senior year the girl fell apart again and she gained 20 more pounds through horrific binge eating without purging. She felt that it was useless. The girl was dangerously close to 190 pounds by the time she arrived in Texas. She needed to change her life again. She couldn't accept what she had become.

♥ Lia.