Get Naked

____thom4s @ 2006-12-26T03:37:00

2006-12-26T08:37:22Z

and with this ill waste one last breath on you
i hope your conscience is clean.
sorry for the guilt you felt.

i let so much go in the past.

____thom4s @ 2006-11-30T23:53:00

2006-12-01T04:53:03Z

all i want to hear is your voice
for just a minute, thats all i need.

____thom4s @ 2006-11-27T22:30:00

2006-11-28T03:30:53Z

deleted my myspace if youre wondering...
now ill give you more things here, i promise.
i hope you get this.
i love you.

____thom4s @ 2006-11-01T01:09:00

2006-11-01T06:09:39Z

happy birthday to you
happy birthday to you
happy birthday dear ruca,
happy birthday to you.

____thom4s @ 2006-10-26T22:04:00

2006-10-27T03:04:17Z

and now im waiting for my ruca...

____thom4s @ 2006-10-04T23:08:00

2006-10-05T04:08:55Z

is it bad
that i still think about you
every
single
day?

____thom4s @ 2006-09-13T23:09:00

2006-09-14T04:10:07Z

I dont care how long it takes
because in the end i know
that youre worth anything
i have to give up
just so you can be mine

ill wait for you
i promise

____thom4s @ 2006-07-27T01:17:00

2006-07-27T06:21:13Z

theres a boy
on a tin roof house
with a guitar and a pack of cigarettes

singin' over and over again

there aint no life but the present
and this is all we got
mabye some day this life we have
will turn us all around

and when that day comes
count the time
while you all still can
for those few short seconds
will matter in the end

and youll find that special someone
sitting on that roof
with a guitar pick and an ashtray
and youll realize that
your life got a little brighter
and they would be nothing without you.

____thom4s @ 2006-07-15T08:03:00

2006-07-15T13:04:51Z

i would like to declare
stillwater
as my second hometown
based upon the fact
that i have urinated
in places you wouldent believe.

____thom4s @ 2006-07-13T01:44:00

2006-07-13T06:44:44Z

and with every wish
ill wish the same

____thom4s @ 2006-07-01T16:14:00

2006-07-01T21:14:20Z

Till Death Do Us Part

Forever and Ever.

____thom4s @ 2006-06-21T01:35:00

2006-06-21T06:35:52Z

i would like to take this time to apologize
to all of those people who i have let down
thank you.

____thom4s @ 2006-06-20T13:35:00

2006-06-20T18:39:20Z

A male firefly spends his entire life in the air. From birth, they fly around a flash a pattern, and only flash that pattern. The female firefly spends her entire life stationary, on the ground, in a tree. She flashes one pattern, and only flashes that one pattern.

There is a day in a firefly's life when the male flashes his pattern, and it is recognized by the female who is flashing the same pattern.
To end a lifetime of searching, they meet, they mate, they die together.

____thom4s @ 2006-06-16T00:59:00

2006-06-16T06:04:01Z

its hard to look back on recent entries
because they are all the same boring bullshit
that every teenager suffers through
and they play it out so deep and so dark like everything
is affecting them no matter what

this year has to be one of my most mentally
fulfilling years.
i feel as if i have grown so much that the past is just
wiped away.

its hard not to wish that i could go back and change things
if i had the chance i would take it,
i would start over new
and i would never make the mistakes i did before
and it sucks to have to repair broken bridges
but its worth it sometimes.

i feel as if everything in my life is incredibly repetitious.
every situation ends up the same
where i lose something i should have gained.
its happened too many times before and its hard to
understand from reading this
but if you could think the way i think...

its hard when all you want to do
is get fucked up
and forget.

____thom4s @ 2006-04-26T22:25:00

2006-04-27T03:36:01Z

its been far too long

i could fill this with useless
information about what i have
been doing the past few weeks
but i think ill save you and make
this...

The past few weeks involve me
attempting to piece back together the small
fragments that my life has left behind
and its become difficult to want the past
when the future is haunting over me.
i wish i had some sort of control over
the way that things turned out
but i realize that there is no possible way
for me to avoid those things i dont want to happen
and i have to accept it and get over it.

all ive been doing is slacking
ive lost care for so many things
that i used to be completely devoted to
and i dont like what my life has become
and i need something to make it better
however i do again have to give credit
to those of you who i consider my friends
you all mean so much to me and i cant stay sad
because of you.

i just hate how bitter ive become about relationships
they just sicken me
and i hate them
but i would give anything to be back in this summer
before her
after her
during her.
and i would change everything.
ive let so many people down
and its like i have the ability
to drop connections left and right
with out turning back and considering anyone else
and i know that someone will be reading this
and go
fucking right.
and i want those to know
that SOME of you, i am remorseful about
and maybe someday there will be an attempt
to rekindle the fire that has been extinguished between
us.
dont hold your breath though
because if you knew me at all
you know how horrible i am at
those sort of things.

all i need is something new
someone new
and i promised myself
that this girl
would not be treated like other girls
and now all i have to do is find her.

now for my thoughts on life.

i got my life story told to me today
and it was so suprisingly accurate
and it makes me think that i am
either way to easy to read
or just always do the same things
in the exact same situations.
becuase everything feels the same.
it feels like everything i do ive done before
and nothing is new except for the negative things
and thats not something i want.
i need something good in my life
and i need someone good in my life
i owe everything to the few friends i have left
because with out all of you i would be nothing.

i always seek company
but always from the wrong girls
i need one thats everything i want
and i want it to be perfect
somehow, i know that it will happen
im sorry for anyone who thinks this may
be about them, im sorry its not
as of this day,
EDIT.EDIT.EDIT
i have met that girl.

i hate how one thing can ruin a moment
some small simple thing that happens
can ruin everything positive that just happened
and i just want people to get over everything
and i want to cut all ties with my rivals
and suck up enough confidence i have
and do i feel is right
and tell everyone who keeps me
to fuck off and leave it alone.

At times i miss who i used to be
this little naive boy
who had no cares in the world
who always found something to do
before drugs, before alcohol, before tobacco
before trouble, before letdown, before heartbreak
before anger, hate, and jealousy.
i want to be that person again.

____thom4s @ 2006-03-13T00:30:00

2006-03-13T06:34:02Z

There are some noises you hear
There are some places you go
There are some things you do

That makes it impossible for you to forget about someone

What if all at once
every memory that we ever had
was completely wiped from our minds
we would start brand new today.

Tomorrow morning you would wake up.
You wouldent have any past experiences
You wouldent have any previous knowledge
What would you do?
Would you find those people who you care about?
Would you find that one person who changed your life?
Would you be the same person you were before you started over?

Would you be nervous or anxious?

If you had the opportunity to start your life over...
...would you?

____thom4s @ 2006-03-08T23:47:00

2006-03-09T05:55:16Z

Have you ever watched the sunset in a car?
With your feet placed on the dashboard.
With someone next to you behind the wheel.
Sitting on a sideroad by the highway,
somewhere you could stay forever.

The cars pass by and each one
holds a different person
with a different life
different ages
different races
but, somehow they know someone
who knows someone
who knows someone
who knows someone who knows you.

Stop and think.

When every moment
feels like its happened before
and when every song you hear
you swear you've heard before
then you know once and for all
this is where you are supposed to be
and theres a moment in your life
where you know
that everything you want
will someday happen
someone is waiting
just for you
someone is thinking
about you
and one day
they'll be the ones behind the wheel
with the glow of the brilliant
pinks and blues and yellows
glowing on their face
as they shield their eyes
to look into yours
and they are thankful
that instead of being someone who is passing by
on that busy highway
that they are sitting next to you.
and at that moment
you only feel grateful
for someone to be with
for someone to sing with
to a song you picked
that matches the melody
of the sunset
and from that point on
everything will be perfect.

____thom4s @ 2006-02-28T23:28:00

2006-03-01T05:28:29Z

READ BILLY COLLINS.

____thom4s @ 2006-02-26T23:31:00

2006-02-27T05:35:45Z

Scenario:
Thomas, Allysson, Brittney, Paula, and Eric are sitting around a table at 11:00 pm saturday night at Olive Garden

Thomas: LETS FUCKING ASK FOR TURKEY.
All: YEAH DO IT

Server walks over

Server: How is everything? Is there anything i can get you?
Brittney: Yeah acutally...do you think you could get me some turkey?
Server: ...long pause....OH we're out actually.

NOT FUNNY?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
too bad i peed and shit.

ive smoked myself retarded.

Writers block during Timed Write Cure:

2006-02-24T05:54:02Z

Take one step
Take another.
[the skies become a brilliant white]
Lift your head.
Open your eyes.

Nothing.
He felt around.
Everything was black.
[a flash of white, a crack of red, a wave of blue]
The light burned his eyes.
Turning around he saw everything he was looking for.
It seemed as if every wish was flashing past him in a stream of enigmatic light.

Run Faster.
[acceptance, certainty, love, care, compassion, someone to see, someone to be, someone to love, somewhere to be]

He reached the stream
Lowering a hand, something was blocking him.
[light fades]
Looking up he sees a shadowy figure above him.
He looks to the skies
[twelve stars are shining]
Looking back at the figure, he notices the stream consuming it
[sunrise]
Shutting his eyes he lay his hand in the river.
[pulled beneath the water, he found nothing]
Again he was left in complete darkness.
Something was whirring above him.
Looking up, he saw the river, the stars, the sun, and the shadow, all looking down at him.

____thom4s @ 2006-02-22T22:44:00

2006-02-23T04:51:37Z

So i was looking at past Live journal entries and i found some pretty crazy shit.

He stirred in his sleep
[a hand moves, an eye blinks]
A dream was coming into his mind, vivid, as usual.
[At the end of a dock he stood, ashes were falling like snow. He screamed out, but no one would answer. He yelled again...his voice echoing against the waves.]
She woke up, and walked away from the bed.
[One last time he screamed.]
She had a glass of water in her hands, she set it on the table, placed her arms around his chest
[The tear that ran down his cheek cleaned away the dirt and ash on his face. He looked up and saw what he had been running from]
He woke up shaking.

X

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, [the lights fade as a spot light looms over the narrator] Welcome, to the show. [a flash of lights, audience jumps], [a small speck of light trails across the stage, extinguishing into darkness] I know what you have all been waiting for.

Make this ride as fast as I can
Tonight this road home feels a little longer
I hope you know that you were my best friend
Tonight I said goodbye, but I should have said more
Thanks for the best time of my life.
Come home, now that you're gone I've finally realized
That you were the best
Come home, I won't forget the times that we had
I'm wishing that you weren't a part of my past
Emptiness swallows this town
From now on I will be alone for good
Will you remember my name?
I'm hoping that I will hear from you soon
Thank you for everything
Come home, now that you're gone I've finally realized
That you were the best
Come home, I won't forget the times that we had
So please don't be a part of my past.

The boy stirred in his sleep, he reached over, she was gone, the bed still warm from where she was. He looked over at the time, 9:10, he had been asleep for a while.

He slept again.

Act One, Scene Two [the audience stirrs] a boy and his dreams. [the theater is left black]

As he's dying in his dreams
i hope you're choking in your sleep
try and breathe
justice push this pillow
try and breathe
try and breathe
my sweet
i wish you the best and that you'll sleep
dragging it back into my dreams
lay your head down try and rest
you left him sweating summer nights facedown
foreplay with the streets
the salt to garnish his wounds
and you just danced your way home
[paint your walls with his insides and hang his life above your bed
paint your walls with his insides try and sleep now]
you made it so
as he's dying in his dreams
i hope you're choking in your sleep
try and breathe
justice push this pillow
try and breathe
try and breathe
my sweet
i wish you the best and that you'll sleep
dragging it back into my dreams
lay your head down try and rest
i bet you love this, don't you?
i bet you love this, don't you?
i bet you love this...
now peel back his skin dear, peel back his skin
and he'll just smile....
but he's only smiling to deny the pain
and he's only smiling
and i bet you love this, don't you?
i bet you love this, don't you?
i bet you love this, don't you?
my sweet
i wish you the best and that you'll sleep
dragging it back into my dreams
lay your head down try to rest
one last breath, i'll watch you,
i'll watch you breathe your last
one last breath
i won't even close my eyes

He woke again...she was back. She looked him in the eye, and didnt see that love he once had for her. She shed a single tear, but hid it with a smile. She said it was ok for him to leave her, he wasnt so sure. He held her hand, closed his eyes, and went back to sleep.

Act Two [the curtain draws, the narrator is standing alone]

Keep the noise low.
She doesn't wanna blow it.
Shaking head to toe
while your left hand does "the show me around."
Quickens your heartbeat.
It beats me straight into the ground.
You don't recover from a night like this.
A victim, still lying in bed, completely motionless.
A hand moves in the dark to a zipper.
Hear a boy bracing tight against sheets
barely whisper, "This is so messed up."
Upon arrival the guests had all stared.
Dripping wet and clearly depressed,
he'd headed straight for the stairs.
No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch,
unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships.
(Up the stairs: the station where
the act becomes the art of growing up.)
He keeps his hands low.
He doesn't wanna blow it.
He's wet from head to toe and
his eyes give her the up and the down.
His stomach turns and he thinks of throwing up.
But the body on the bed beckons forward
and he starts growing up.
The fever, the focus.
The reasons that I had to believe you weren't too hard to sell.
Die young and save yourself.
The tickle, the taste of...
It used to be the reason I breathed but now it's choking me up.
Die young and save yourself.

I knew you were wrong all along...

The boy stood up. He looked her in the face, watching the tears sream down his face in the reflection of her blue eyes. He said nothing, only stared, he wondered what he was doing. She extended her hand infront of him, telling him to come with her. The boy grabbed her hand, not realizing the razorblades. His blood ran down his arm from his hand, warming his icy arm. She looked at him with those blue eyes, and that smile, and he felt trapped. The boy tried to speak but he couldent, she had stolen his voice, he was helpless, loosing blood, barely able to stand. The boy saw everyone around him, keeping him from falling over, their hands as white as angels wings, extending out and pushing the boy up when he stumbled. The light was growing, but the boy still had lost his heart down the path. He looked into her eyes, and was able to mutter a few words from his scratchy throat, "I..." he coughed up blood. "I..cant." The boy let go of her hand, turned around and ran, ran so far into the dark again, hoping to find some sort of light at the end. Yet she didnt give up, her voice was repeating in the boys head, constantly reminding him of what he is letting go. She looked down at her hand and saw the blood, and she realized then what occured. She sat down on the dirt, and shut her eyes as the light faded. Her boy was gone, running down a path with no end, yet she knew there were others waiting along the path. She turned around, there on the ground next to her, was the boys heart, laying helpless, bandaged with white cloth. With that she stood, and walked. The boy looked behind, saw the light die. His eyes adjusted, he kept running.

X

He looked at their faces, and he wondered what he was doing. He let the ice in his glass melt away into his drink. He hated the taste, he hated it so much. He just drank to keep them guessing. He wanted people to be curious about him. He wanted people to know if he was drinking.

He stood up, gave his head a second to adjust, then he started walking towards the other side of the room. He saw people looking at him like they wanted to say something, but he just kept walking past them, giving them a little smile so they knew that he knows what they want. He loved these people, he loved them so much, and he just didn’t think that any of them felt the same way. He reached the kitchen, it was dark. He searched for the light switch, patting the walls down. He heard something from across the room. He coughed and started to walk towards the refrigerator, ignoring the glowing eyes from across the room. She stood there watching him, she knew he would come over, she just knew. He opened the door and light flooded the kitchen. She stood there in the light, her pupils got smaller as she looked him in the face. He looked through her, and she knew. She leaned up against the wall, a look like nothing he’s ever seen before. He grabbed the bottle, refilled his glass, closed the door and walked away. She laughed, thinking he meant nothing by it. She followed him out into the living room of his friend’s house, there were a lot of people, all giving her the same look. He walked up the stairs and he looked down and saw her standing at the feet of the staircase. He looked at her once, their eyes met, and at that second, she fell down again. She opened her eyes and saw water rushing around her quickly, then, a hand pulled her out. It wasn’t him though, it was someone else, some one stronger, and better for her. He smiled, and continued walking along the shore of the beach that he mysteriously wound up on. He was used to it by now, never being in the same place, always walking through a door and winding up somewhere that he’s never been.

The waves cascaded on the sand and he looked up at the moon. He heard someone screaming from behind him. It was her, her new find had left her. She screamed like he’s never heard before, but he didn’t look behind, he kept walking, and saw out of the corner of his eye, her trembling body fall down onto the sand.

She never stopped screaming.

X

God i wish i still wrote like that.

Update

2006-02-13T05:17:42Z

Its been forever and so many things have changed.
Looking back on things that have happened just in the past...10 months has shocked me.
So many things have come back just from reading these past entries, and i don't even feel like the same person that i was.
I've lost too many people, but ive gained so many people that i look past that.
My life is ideal right now, and i can honestly say that.
The people that are in my life are meant to be in my life, and the people that are out of my life are meant to be out of my life.
As harsh as that sounds, its completely true.
I don't feel the same things that i used to, and i don't have those same foolish dreams that i could get lost in for days that caused me a lot of pain.

But, it's hard to cope with what you have lost.
When you pull a thorn out of your side, it only gets stuck in your hand.
I am a completely different person than who i used to be, and i think its difficult for people to realize that.
Something happened to me, and everything changed.
I don't do the same things i used to, i don't feel the same things i used to, and i personally think that I'm a better person, agree or disagree, it doesn't matter.
I'm finally seeing how young i am now that I've finally grown up, and it can be hard to deal with...but its just something i have to deal with.
I think I'm just scared of being alone next year.
That's my only problem.
As lame as it sounds, it's true.
My best friends are all leaving me, and i wont have them all next year.
I'm scared of seperation, and I'm incredibly nervous about Allysson leaving...but i hope and pray that for some reason she will stay here. I honestly don't know what i would do without her.
The one and only time i disapointed her, i had a complete mental breakdown, and it showed me that i care about her enough to feel so bad about some small and trivial thing, and it makes me think, if she knows this, then why is she so blunt when she tells me she's leaving.
I don't think she will.
I hope she doesn't.
And i see people losing friends left and right, and it freaks me out to know that could happen to me. But you just have to realize that these things do happen and you can cope with whatever comes at you.
I think that's something that people need to realize.
No matter what comes at you, you can deal.
I'm a survivor of heartbreak, loss, change, denial, depression, hostility, anger, hatred, deception, letdown, and so many more things, and im still living.
Everything is turning around.
Like sunlight through a grey cloudy sky.

____thom4s @ 2005-11-25T12:39:00

2005-11-25T18:40:56Z

it kills me

to see you with someone else.

but it would kill me

to be with someone else.

____thom4s @ 2005-08-28T19:09:00

2005-08-29T00:09:06Z

...iends on...