When the lonliness leads to bad dreams...

____temporary @ 2008-09-20T13:55:00

2008-09-20T21:09:22Z

I love this weather, it makes me really happy. I have a sky light in my room, its always open i love the sun shinning into my room. Lately things don't seem so bad. Maybe its you. Maybe its me. Maybe its us. but either way things seem to be getting better. out with the old in with new. bring on the changes. I love you. I'm coming clean.

today was good. life is good. I'm good. and i hope everyone is good toooo.

____temporary @ 2008-09-01T23:34:00

2008-09-02T06:50:20Z

no steady job. i pretty much already have one. being a fuck up. for once id like to be good at being good. make my dad or mom or maybe even both proud to say thats my kid. its rough when you care. trying to win approval youll never get. i spent 22 seeking out validation and love and ill probably spend another 22 yrs looking for it. i dont blame them for the lack of trust or support. I wouldnt trust me either let alone be around me. I honestly dont mean to screw up half as much as i do. and when i say sorry its bc i mean it. its hard when your parents raise two perfect kids and then theres you. the odd man out, like you came from another planet. i want different things, i care about different things. but i am really sorry for the way i am but if i could change all the things you hated i would. but i just cant. today just makes me sad. i miss the way my family used to be.

fsdsf

2008-08-30T02:36:42Z

my friends dont reallly have an issue with addiction so i guess its no big deal. but for me it is and when something bad happens i feel like i need to drink or everything just falls apart. i delt with alcoholism my whole childhood and i dont want to put anyone through that. i hate being THAT girl whenever i go out with friends. alcohol has ruined so many of my friendships and everything else. im happy to say its been 2 months since ive gotten drunk. and i never ever want to touch it again.

____temporary @ 2008-08-12T13:52:00

2008-08-12T21:10:29Z

I need like massive energy drinks to get through the day, im always so tired. rawr. I finally got my hair cut today, nothing major just a trim but i want to grow my hair out soooo it needed a trim, im happy with it :] also i start WORK the 22nd hahahahahaha. what fun. my parents have been on my case like non stop either to get a job or go to school. i dont know what i want to do in the school aspect, i want to work with animals so i guess i could go to ccc and take classes or something but in the mean time i'll work at the play zone and figure things out. idkkk.

I havent gotten drunk in like 3 weeeeeks that's progressss! it's a lot easier to focus on my life when im not out getting drunk or thinking about guys. i hope i can keep this up. matt still hasnt giving me my key yet and im starting to get worried. I dont think he understands thats they only key we have for my house. or he just doesnt care? if he would just telll me he lost it, i would tell my parents, but he told me he mailed it and it should have been her by now. im probably going to have changed my locks or call the police cos i personally dont have money to pay for the locks and dad isnt going to let me off the hook.

oh well.

with or without you?

2008-08-09T05:36:00Z

I want to find people who want to do things besides drink or bring out the worst in me. it hurts when i breathe, i think i pulled somethinggg rawr. the past few weeks have been nothing but loneliness. anyway ive been majorly keeping myself away from people.im trying hard not to drink i need to be around people who dont drink or alone. i dont want to keep blaming everyone for my mistakes like i usually always do and i know my friends would understand but i wouldnt be able to say no. so im stay im away for awhile. i just dont like myself right now.

and as for the guy thing, i know what i would need in a guy but thats not something im looking for right now. again im hiding out hahaa. i have a check list this time around.

im going back to being picky.

no drugs****
must love animals*** this is a big one.
no party guys this time around.
must be okay with the fact i dont want to have sex. a guy willing to wait for me means he actually cares about ME and not sex and thats what i need.****
must be out of the previous relationship at least 4 months before dating me.
i dont want any ex girlfriend drama this time around.****
no mental disorders. addicts. etc. ect.
( this is big one) i wont date someone without being friends with them for atleast 2-3months.****
if we ever did get serious and sex did come up. they must get checked.****
must treat me with respect even around their friends.
doesnt have to believe in God, but i would like it if they believed in something.
isnt fickle***
must be a good support system for me and vice versa***
has a good heart and no matter what happens i know well be friends for a long time*********************

this list is here to remind me what i'm looking for.the stars are the ones that mean the most. im going to look at this list whenever i need a reminder. this kind of cheered me up, no guy i was ever with was anything like this. hopefully one day though.

____temporary @ 2008-08-08T08:11:00

2008-08-08T15:31:44Z

I have a million thoughts going through my head but mostly the biggest one is my future and how to begin it. im not like the rest of my friends who want a regular job who went to school and got jobs after and it seems pretty boring to me. but if it works for them it works. i want to stand up for a cause for whatever reasons i have in my non logical head. it seems like every day i wake up im just wasting time i could be doing what i was put on earth to do. today is a beautiful day. i feel sad. i feel indifferent. but the only thing that every stayed the same was what i wanted to do. im going MIA for while. i think i need to start making things happen.

i had this loaded question for the past week why is everything so easy for everyone else. but i woke up and i realized its not. if i really want something only i can change it. i know i get so sad and i dwell on the bad things but i could actually be part of something really good. instead i self destruct. i make big choices and create my chaos . if i stopped drinking and stopped looking at guys like that for awhile that would cute out a lot of my problems .
its not a soultion but its a start and im ready.

____temporary @ 2008-08-07T20:29:00

2008-08-08T04:06:50Z

I keep losing my voice i stay up late up night screaming out things but it gets me no where. so let me start out by saying how i never felt as bitter as i feel at this VERY moment and i got this feeling i cant shake. no replies and no apologies but whats the point i doubt it would make anything ohkay. I bite my tongue around people i call my friends but whats the point? i'm just over their closed mindedness. i want out of this state. i need a new place. new faces and new place to lose my mind in. i want to tell everyone to fuck off but again whats the point. so since i moved here i dont thnk i ever felt as MISERABLE as i have this last month maybe part of that has to do with matt. i regret even letting myself getting caught up with that whole mess. not ness. meeting him just everything that happened i should have been smarter. i AM smarter than that.

____temporary @ 2008-08-05T08:31:00

2008-08-05T15:37:45Z

ugh i float between apathy and empathy. I want too be angry at the people who let me down but I want to be there for them when they need me. I guess it's how im wired.

i couldnt hold a grudge if i tried ha.

____temporary @ 2008-08-04T13:32:00

2008-08-04T21:12:38Z

It's weird, ive cut off how i feel about mostly everything. i stopped feeling. ie. i would normally be upset over a situation to where it would make me crazy but right now it doesnt seem to bother me. the biggest problem in my life is my limewire keeps freezing. I think i transfer my anger to other things...maybe.

classic rock. up and down. cartoons. cigs. apathetic. basically thats my entire life at the moment. i have these dreams where everything seems completely real and i wake up last night it was about a shower and overflowing water. i rather not remember my dreams. or you for that matter. as i type this im zoning out. i should sleep or something

____temporary @ 2008-08-03T11:12:00

2008-08-03T18:36:20Z

I havent updated this thing in a real long time. Mostly cos things havent been going well. Or maybe just cos i'm lazy and nobody reads it anyway. So lets see. We moved, I'm still getting used too it. I lived in maple shade my whole life but i adapted really well to cherry hill and when we left i just thought we never would be back. Being here makes me miss my grandmom a lot. we always pass where she used to live and i always want to pull in the drive way and walk in and see her sitting at the table. but i know thats not going to happen. I had the strangest dream last night about her. which woke me up, I didnt like the feelings that i felt at all. and i dont understand why im the only one who she comes too in dreams. Like i saw her so vividly and i heard her voice so clearly. I miss her a lot. people always complain about missing friends or breaking up with a bf or gf but nothing is worse then someone you know you will never get to see again. when she first died i never really delt with it. but its finally hitting me shes just coming back. and i hate it. but moving on. I dated a guy for about 2 weeks and we broke up, and it reallly sucked, i liked him but it just turned out to be a jerk. but i digress i learned so much from that. I was Gina for a short period of time. and i just hated that feeling. I think it made me see things from the other side and deff made me a better person. I want to be a better person so im surrounding myself with good people.

Last night started off dull haha. I couldnt find anyyyyything to do but gina, kelly and julia and i went to steves and drink for like 20mins and then went to see if i was locked out and theeeen went to jeffs house to drink and his friend chris came over. It was good seeing him. I missed him a lot. on the way back we got pulled over cos kelly ran a red light but the cop was so nice and didnt care hahaaa. I got home okay and wasnt locked out.

i think thats a decent update? whatever. haha.

____temporary @ 2008-06-30T13:55:00

2008-06-30T21:07:08Z

not excited to move. i woke up to any empty place today and while i was cleaning out my room i just burst out in tears.this is the last place i saw my grandmom alive. when jeff and i used to hang out. the walks dom and i used to have. when things used to just work for me. i dont want to leave all those memories behind. im not good at letting things go.

____temporary @ 2008-06-20T08:39:00

2008-06-20T15:49:29Z

i DLed this program this other day called "veohTv" so i could watch degrassi in my room. best thing ever!

the constants aren't so constant anymore

2008-06-18T23:05:10Z

ive been watching youtube videos from back in the day like saves the day and get up kids and stuff, making me super nostalgic.

____temporary @ 2008-06-16T20:00:00

2008-06-17T03:43:56Z

My standards have changed, ive changed. who i once once i am no more. its like someone rewrote a whole new story. i do not know who i am. i want to time travel back in time and stay there when i felt happy when you liked me. when she was alive and my dog wasnt sick. when i felt younger. when my mom wasnt sick, before the bad things. before the sick and the dying. before i realized the mistakes i was making. i see people making the same mistakes i made and i cringe. youll lose someone youll love. its really really not worth it. youll lose your self respect and someone you care about just for what? idk. i'm bitter,jaded and i dont feel at all changed. i dont have anyyyyyyything fucking thing to show for what ive lost. in all honesty i'm so fucking bitter. I don't want to leave my house to "hang out" and get caught up in ur issues. & i don't care about your silly fucking stupid problems. sorry kids. when the answers are so logical. i know i sound really mean right now. but, things are only as complicated as one makes them. my friends have so much and they are just throwing it away cos they are selfish. i used to be, then you lose things that you can never get back..it make you never want to take anything for granted again.

____temporary @ 2008-06-16T11:12:00

2008-06-16T18:44:27Z

no mattter how this ends up. youll always be my favorite pitbull. youll always be my favorite. you taught me how to love unconditional .

iloveyou.

____temporary @ 2008-05-30T14:00:00

2008-05-30T21:10:26Z

yesterday kristen, jon and their friend smoked &went to the mall to look at puppies. we played with "d block" he was hyper as fuck. he was bitting everything. Kristen and Jon are probably getting one next week I think. Iam excited for her. I remember when dom said i could get a dog. silly boys.

then i went over to heathers and we took the puppies for a walk and went to friendly's. we watched something call "ganglands" that pretty much creep me out haha. and then smoked. after that I went home. and went to bed.

nicole told me i had "guts' but i am a baby. if she only knew how scared i am. it seems like everyone of my friends are moving on. and im just stuck. speaking of being stuck. I cant beat this level in my game. its driving me mad. my house is bloody hot. i need to lose weight. my birthday depresses me. i miss you. iam a mess. but im not depressed.

...still a little bit of your taste in my mouttttttth

2008-05-24T06:38:36Z

This week I spent most of it figuring things out, keeping to myself. I started off bitter, then mad but I just realized that people are human and i cant stay angry cos we all make mistakes. I love my friends. I do. but I need to let go of things i cant change.and accept and embrace the things that make us for who we are. I could stay mad and keep to myself but i would miss out on a lot of things. I just needed to take a step back and take this time to realize the things i already knew.

But in other news...
iam obsessed with Omaha. I told my mom tonight that I think we should move there and she just looked at me and laughed. when I get everything figured out and settled thats were i plan to level out. its my long term goal.
AND Rilo kiley is playing JUNE 5TH! the day after my birthday, i couldnt be more happier cos i will be attending :]

i want this.

I used to be your biggest fan.

2008-05-23T06:09:28Z

I used to think i hated being alone that i needed people. That i needed to be cared for in order to function. I thrived on what was perfect in my head. And when things didn't work out I could not function, I would just self destruct.

edit.

i love being alone.

____temporary @ 2008-05-17T22:16:00

2008-05-18T16:28:55Z

i'm running to ready myself for the walk across the rocks into the sand up on the docks to talk. and maybe can i hold your hand? oh, why do i plan and plan? I don't understand. i'm thinking of the ending to this movie and baby, it's bound to be tragedy.. lucky for me.. only had one night to dream together, till you're flying and i'm losing teeth and crashing up cars. if we could brave the nasty weather. i better fake bave. you've started something special inside of me, you've started the hard part, you've cast yourself smart. now if i could only stay awake, we could ride away, we'll ride away to the shore and kiss before the credits. and maybe i'm a hopeless case. oh, why? comes and slip by the dark of the lake. i'm thinking of a way to smooth write this moonlight and I slipped into sleep, yeah. 402, how lucky for you. i'll write, you'll write. alright, i might. i guess trauma girl dramatic lacks desire for anything drastic.. would you look down here? i'll write, you'll write. alright, i might. even though the morning rise was full of our eyes, they're waiting for us outside... you left me full of philly but still so very empty..

____temporary @ 2008-05-16T21:50:00

2008-05-17T05:27:51Z

I hate my hair. its throwing off my whole entire mood. I'm over reacting but so what? Im not whining to anyone but my lj. and the issue is far more deeper then my hair. but i wont go into that. i just want to hide away for a good amount of my life. the saddest day was the day i realized what being second best feels like. am i content on living in someones shadow for the rest of my life? ill get back to you on that one. so you closed the door, but i threw you out. mistakes, mistakes, and fools. lets go rewind a few yrs. youre just not good enough. but will i ever be? no not i. never. thinking if i even deserved another chance i must be really crazy. I am not a good person at all. I am fucked. and i am sorry, but what does sorry mean? it doesnt mean i didnt enjoy it. i really dont know. I never fully understand half the things i do. im miserable

____temporary @ 2008-05-13T08:45:00

2008-05-13T15:56:11Z

hah heather and i are making up for lost time. last night was so much fun. we went to the gym and worked out for a while, then back to her place and got ready went to pf.changs. then BOWLING!. my favorite hahaaaa. heather and i got so drunk. back to her place and smoked. i got this weird high so i asked kevin to take me home around 230. and i dont remember much after that.

anyway. whatever "we" had its over. done. at least i know we tried again. it wasnt ginas fault or anyones theres just nothing there. i cant be friends with "you" cos i care. i guess its better this way. theres always going to be a part of me that wants to be with "you" but a bigger part of me that knows thats a bad idea. i never asked to be nobodies nothing.

____temporary @ 2008-05-08T11:31:00

2008-05-08T18:47:18Z

we were a gold mine and the gutted us.

____temporary @ 2008-05-05T21:10:00

2008-05-06T04:18:37Z

This week ahs beeen one big blur. I guess i like it that way. if all i can be is a memory then thats all i want to be.

today was a good day. i started drinking at 3.

____temporary @ 2008-04-26T09:09:00

2008-04-26T16:10:07Z

I ain't got a regret & I can't forget it at all

I want your lungs to stop working without me

2008-04-26T03:36:45Z

Last night i slept over Gina's house. she wanted to talk to nick so i called gary to see if i could come over and he just seemed like hesitant? but he said yah, i went over, we took a walk and smoked and when we got back to his house i just broke up with him. I just felt like he wasnt ready for what i wanted er needed. I need to be needed. I want something thats unatainable. Its so weird, I know i could have handle things differently but I was honest and im glad. its so much easier to be honest instead of hurting people and myself. or settling for something b/c I like them or b/c they like me. But I really think I tried, I guess I just wanted him too see all the good in me. Like if someone saw something good then maybe I'm not as bad as i think. idk. I dont ask for much, i dont want presents, i dont need to see you everyday and i dont care how you live your life. I just want to know i matter and you really care. thats when my wall will come down. I want to feel the way i did when you loved me. when someone really cares about you, they WANT too see you whenever they have free time. they dont put demands on you. they dont tell you if something isnt this way its over. when someone REALLY cares about you, they like you despite your flaws. i know what i need/want. And i should never have to settle. One day somebody is going to see me, like really see me. They will get me more then anyone has and change everything i thought i knew about love. And im really excited.

but i cant help feel sad.