Memoires of a Decadent Libertine

New Journal!

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 05:09:11 GMT

Moved to le_ben

I'm Gay

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 21:25:06 GMT

i haven't posted here for months. but, i've finally decided to do it after a long period of absence. is this the begining of a new era in my posting of LJ entries? probably not. nevertheless, i wanted to answer everyone's questions and dispel the rumours...

here's the truth: yes, i am gay. i finally decided to come out a month ago. i've always known, its just i finally took the ultimate step. you see, for over three years i've been questioning my sexuality. yes, i always knew the truth, but i was just unable to bring myself to come out. the sad truth is, i was afraid. not because i've ever thought it was wrong to be gay, but because society enclosed me in a prison of fear and doubt. i was living a lie, and a captive of my own mask.

so, i finally decided to end the pain and come out of hiding what i truly am. it was as much for myself as it was for everyone else. i first told my closest friends, and they were all supportive and happy for me. then i told my parents, and they were proud of me, and said they'd stand by me. and then i told people i wasn't as close too, and they were still happy for me. now the "rumours" are circulating, and i thought i'd dispel them here and now.

i'm gay and proud.

i'll follow you into the dark

Thu, 20 Apr 2006 04:53:58 GMT

so, i haven't written in here in a while. here's an update on my life:

i've sold out and bought an ipod (but i still maintain i had no choice, given the fact that i have over 3 gb of music on my computer)
i'm still single
i now have google talk (for all you who have gmail)
i seem to always be wearing my fedora (ever since i cut my hair a while back)
i've been busy as tits lately

...and sadly that's about it. but how about all of you? what has everyone else been up to lately?

"You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms"

tear you apart

Wed, 15 Mar 2006 23:24:18 GMT

today's my birthday!

16 years.

So Havilah has demanded I take this quiz...

Thu, 09 Mar 2006 15:29:40 GMT

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Benny
2. Benjamin Rhodes, Esq.
3. idk..."Ben" i guess, but i never use that

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. absintheknight
2. absinetheknight7
3. absintheknight13 (yeah, i know, not a lot of creativity there)

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my feet
2. my hands
3. my ass?

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:
1. my hair (i just cut it a while ago, and my head gets cold now that its short)
2. idk
3. see above

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. earwigs
2. boredom
3. downtown portland at night

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. books
2. music
3. computer

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. pin-stripped pants
2. broken spindles shirt
3. my fedora

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. love (both emotional and physical)
2. intellectual conversation
3. desire and passion

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. ass
2. hair
3. breasts

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. writing
2. spending time with friends
3. reading

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:
1. go back to sleep
2. walk barefoot in the snow outside
3. eat thai food

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. university proffessor
2. accountant
3. lawyer

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:
1. london
2. amsterdam
3. new delhi

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. travel
2. publish something
3. go on a vision quest

THREE WAYS THAT YOU ARE STEREOTYPICALLY A GUY (or girl):
1. i don't know how to cook
2. i like to pirate music
3. i can be vain at times

THREE CELEB CRUSHES:
1. i don't really like any celebreties...emma goldman? she's a celebrity in my mind!
2. the girls from rasputina
3. idk...yoko ono? because she did john lennon

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW:
1. kelly
2. everyone who reads this
3. see above

Mistress of my Heart

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 05:42:43 GMT

Words whispered by a fair maiden
Upon the base of mine own condition
Lie in ecstasy in mind and soul
O, fairest creature! Were that thou
Were mine own, and that I was
Of the strength to speak

Round each tress red, I sigh
And whisper secret benediction
But that thou knew, and that I was
Of the strength to speak

Silence is my homage to thee
And in it I am able to commend thee
Fairest muse of mine own soul,
Mistress of my heart

Sun, 29 Jan 2006 22:22:52 GMT

why do i never write in hear anymore?

The Mournful Innocent (The Former)

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 23:06:17 GMT

Starlight caresses
Her painted visage
Fair as winter snow
And framed by tresses
Darker than ravens

O, mournful innocent
That I could see you now
That I could kiss you now
Tender as silk flowers
Beautiful as the dawn

The dark beauty gone
I am without light
Alone in chaos
And silent chorus

The ravages of time
Forgotten now in stone:
A shroud to please beauty
A cruelty to betray

The angelic fiend
Fell forward in mist
Morpheus took her
In a dreamless sleep
So that darkness is
Lit only by pyre

O, my immortal love!
Paradise is now lost
And you are forever
Gone

what follows is a rare political rant...

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 05:24:25 GMT

okay, i just think this has to be said: Evo Morales is my newest hero. along with Chavez, i think he'll make a nice addition to the worker presidents (as i like to call them) of south america. in fact, i'm slowly realizing that south america may be the new beacon of socialism. with worker's parties gaining the upper hand, and finally striking back at the capitalists, i'm quite impressed. and, as venezuala is a major producer of petroleum products, i think, indeed, that it is south america that has become the global economies new rising star.

and the "coca fear" bullshit being spread by the american government makes me sick. coca and cocaine are not the same thing. coca is a natural leaf with a potency lower than a coffee bean. cocaine is a synthetic drug derived from coca. south americans don't grow coca to make cocaine, they've been fucking growing it for the last two thousand years to act as a natural energy booster. get over it! but then again, i suppose if i worked an eighteen hour day in fields, because my nation was under developed, i'd just be fine with giving up my only means of staying awake and feeding my family. people just make me sick.

the dance, flesh on flesh, has rendered us blind...i look into your eyes, i look into stone."

Thu, 15 Dec 2005 07:09:05 GMT

That hair, like gold
Tress after tress
Magnified in swoon
To be that hand
As it caresses each lock
That fair flesh
Tortured with charm
Fade away…

A carcass encircled
By fear and vultures
As her eyes are bordered,
Bordered in kohl
Fade away…
Fade away…

I’ve disappeared
Vanished in lust
Fade away…
Fade away…

i've got the money if you've got the time...you said it feels good, i said i'll give it a try

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 00:50:15 GMT

i hung out with michael and andrew today, and we spontaneously decided to go to clackamas. once there we went into random stores and complained loudly about how they were overpriced. we then went and ate greek food, and michael got his picture taken with two random people claiming to be models (and showed it to everyone he saw). also, we went into some clothing store, and when the costumer service person asked us what brought us there, we proceded to tell her a long, complex life story. after that, we bought a copy of the Koran and randomly read it outlowed at a mall entrance. and then i went into starbucks and bought a shitload of coffee, demanding the cashier drop my change into a newly purchased fedora. oh, and we mooched free samples off of people in a candy store, and ate abandoned pieces we found at the front counter.

a bit of advice: starbucks is the best place to hit on people.

and here's a picture of me in an overpriced trenchcoat, that i put on specifically for my own amusment. enjoy!

A Selection From a Story I'm Writing

Mon, 05 Dec 2005 23:02:06 GMT

Alexandré felt himself sink into the warm cotton cushion beneath him. Smoke hung heavily in air of the dank chamber, and yet it was oddly comforting. All about, the room’s handful of inhabitants reclined similarly, in stupor and swoon. A few oil lamps served to illuminate these fits of comfort, and bring them out into the horrible reality of the situation. Even the otherwise ornate Chinese style draperies that decorated the den seemed to accent its devastation.
But Alexandré found this frightening truth perversely beautiful, as he sighed, taking in the air of the underworld about him. For, in his mind, “depravity” and “societal dredge” were but cliché terms, used by the filthy bourgeois to justify their own meaningless existence. The only true vice to him, aside from acts of cruelty, was materialism.
Slowly, he drew forth the pipe from his vest pocket. It was a simple object, constructed from cheap wood and adorned with the most frugal of metal fixtures. However, it held a power all of its own.
As of late, the young man had found himself devoid of anything resembling artistic inspiration. The world had decayed in beauty to him, and he needed it restored. So, he had followed his natural impulses, and made his way here. After all, the blessed instrument he held within his hand was but a tool, a tool he used every few months when such depression and foulness plagued him. An implement that aided him to renew his since of love, wonder, and zest for life.
Oh, he was happy enough, yes, but inspiration was another thing. The most joyous of wretches is by no means, after all, overflowing with talent. He could just as well be an ignorant philistine. No, inspiration was another thing, though paradoxically, Alexandré sometimes found it closely akin to happiness. And it was these warrens of decadence that allowed him to restore artistic endeavors; to pull from the shadowy depths of mind his most inward stimulations, and to make them tangible with ink.
In an almost filial sort of way, he found himself cradling the bowl of the pipe lovingly in his hand; then, as if providing nourishment for it as well, Alexandré added in the afeem, setting fire to the wicked instrument’s mouth…and with it his very soul.
He inhaled the bitter incense, taking in its sweetness and feeling excitement within his very bowls. Again, he breathed it inward, in and out, in and out. The angelic spice filled him, bringing every since into a sort of hiatus; all at once and without warning, a sense of well being settled upon him. The black lifted his spirit unto the highest reaches of paradise and made the world seem beautiful.
Nothing was impossible now.
It was in this state of beauty and euphoria, that Alexandré felt the words coming to him, and the sight flowing back.
The world truly is beautiful…perhaps only my dearest O can help me see that.

The Flowers of Evil

Sun, 04 Dec 2005 22:31:24 GMT

THE OPIUM-SMOKER
By Arthur Symons (1865-1945)

"I am engulfed, and drown deliciously
Soft music like a perfume, and sweet light
Golden with audible colours exquisite,
Swathe me with cerements for eternity.
Times is no more. I pause and yet I flee.
A million ages wrap me round with night.
I drain a milion ages of delight.
I hold the future in my memory.

Also, I have this garret which I rent,
This bed of straw, and this that was a chair,
This worn-out body like a tattered tent,
This crust, of which the rats have eaten part,
This pipe of opium; rage, remorse, despair;
This soul at pawn and this delirious heart."

why don't i ever write in here anymore?

Fri, 18 Nov 2005 20:32:11 GMT

its been four days, and still i can't think of anything to say! has life really gotten that boring, or am i just dissolving into the routine of normalicy?

Bored

Fri, 11 Nov 2005 04:35:17 GMT

i have absolutely nothing new to write here.
i'm just that boring.
somebody tell me a story.

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 01:57:26 GMT

is there truly a point to livejournal?

with so many people i know so well saying their fairwells, it leaves me to question whether or not i too should join them in abandonment.

EDIT: overwhelming response from my many friends has changed my mind and made me decide otherwise. the verdict is: I'M STAYING!

"talk to me now i'm older...friday nights have been lonely..."

Mon, 31 Oct 2005 03:08:13 GMT

connor's party was beyond words. i enjoyed it immensely. i ran into quite a veriety of people, some of whom i never expected to see (mostly seniors from last year).

oh, and i also finally met a fellow hXc history nerd!

halloween approaches....

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 22:43:42 GMT

so i finally decided that i'm going to connor's party today. neither kelly nor i could figure out what to be, so we spent the entire german period brain storming. at first, i was going to be a clump of grapes or a pencil container (don't ask), but then i came up with perhaps my greatest idea yet. in fact, its so great i'm writing it hear as legal proof i came up with it (along with kelly) first.

i'm going as a horny catholic priest ("Father Andrew O'Neil") and kelly's going as a pregnant nun ("Sister Mary Natalie the Knocked-up Nun"). its bullet proof! i've even managed to find myself a costume, and finish making my sexy collar.

cheers

Le Boheme

Wed, 26 Oct 2005 06:26:19 GMT

okay, my adoring readers, what follows is a little story about a bohemian, inspired by the opera "Le Boheme". enjoy.

My name is Louis Xavier Jean Baptiste, Comte de Vaux. however, i do not invest much in titles or names. my friends call me Xavier, and that is just fine. in truth, i scorn my aristocratic heritige, and my acursed wealth. i live in the montmartre in paris and for me it is paradise (though some would call it a "villiage of sin"). living in poverty is quite nice, because i don't see the need for private property. usually i move from room to room in cheap hotels, for i use them as my studios (until i'm evicted for not paying my rent of course). i am a poet, and i think a damned good one. but i won't sell my works, they're like family to me, like the two roomates i call friends. one of them is a painter and the other a writer. we're filthy bohemians to the hypocritical burgeious, but i like to see it as a revolution.

some say i'm vice ridden, you decide. i wake up early, usually around ten, so that i can get straight to work on my poetry. i spend all day writing, except for a short lunch break. in the evening i leave my appartment and go out with my fellow bohemians. i enjoy the company and favors of prostitutes, whom i purchase for the night with what little money i have, sometimes they even become my poetic muses. then, i retire for some heavy absinthe drinking (sometimes i'll do this for lunch too, if i can't find any inspiration). afterwhich its straight to the opium dens, so that i'm tired enough to sleep. ah, life as a libertine is so nice...so what if i'm poor and suffering from tuberculosis? i'm better off now than ever.

i think i may die soon from tuberculosis, as i seem to cough up blood a lot lately (not good when you can barely afford paper as it is). the only thing i regret is being kind enough to not give my prudish wife a divorce, as she is a catholic. luckily, she lives far away, in a country house, my wealth and property free at her disposal in compensation for my "sinful lifestyle" (or so she calls it). what i regret is that by the time i'm dead from consumption, she'll have my poetry at her disposal. then she'll sell it (money grubbing tart she is), and i'll be posthumously supporting the capitalist system i detested in life.

ah, to be a bohemian.

cheers

"my love, we both go down together"

Sun, 23 Oct 2005 23:38:09 GMT

so as far as i'm concerned the decemberists are god. i never really realized how much i liked them until now. for your enjoyment i shall post lyrics.

enjoy

We Both Go Down Together Lyrics
(The Decemberists)

Here on these cliffs of Dover
So high you can't see over
And while your head is spinning
Hold tight, it's just beginning

You come from parents wanton
A childhood rough and rotten
I come from wealth and beauty
Untouched by work or duty

And oh, my love, my love
And oh, my love, my love
We both go down together

I found you, a tattooed tramp
A dirty daugher from the labour cans
I laid you down on the grass of a clearing
You wept but your soul was willing

And oh, my love, my love
And oh, my love, my love
We both go down together

And my parents will never consent to this love
But I hold your hand

Meet me on my vast veranda
My sweet, untouched Miranda
And while the seagulls are crying
We fall but our souls are flying

And oh, my love, my love
And oh, my love, my love
And oh, my love, oh my love
And oh, my love, my love
We both go down together

and that's about it. i can't think of anything to say. i hope this entry wasn't too disapointing, albiet a little out of character for me.

cheers!

Fri, 21 Oct 2005 23:55:29 GMT

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Your personality type is RCUAI

You are moderately reserved, calm, unstructured, accommodating, and intellectual, and may prefer a city which matches those traits.

The largest representation of your personality type can be found in the these U.S. cities: Washington DC, Oklahoma City, Raleigh/Durham, Louisville, New Orleans, Greensboro, Austin, Albuquerque/Santa Fe, Sacramento, Salt Lake City, Denver and these international countries/regions Luxembourg, Iceland, Hungary, Kazakhstan, Slovenia, Netherlands, Greece, Puerto Rico, Denmark, Belgium, Croatia, Germany, Turkey, Sweden, Ireland

What Places In The World Match Your Personality?
City Reviews at CityCulture.org

actually, i think it makes a lot of sense. fits me perfectly...

i'll kiss you in the dead of night, you'll feel so alive!

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 02:00:14 GMT

so, i woke up this morning, and found myself with a sore, raw throat. i felt like shit, and realized that i had some form of a head cold with nasal drainage. thus, sick again, i stayed home, so as to not infect the other children. and as i sit here, typing and suffering from this headcold, i wonder...did anyone even notice i was gone? will anyone read this?

i shall contemplate it over tea...

oh, and btw, havilah, the CIA is a very demanding master, so you'll have to excuse me. you know of what i speak. i'll leave it at that.

cheers!

Ashes of Evil

Sat, 15 Oct 2005 20:01:08 GMT

Creature of but vain lust
Wicked harpy of sade
Let not go my hate
Lest I be bound by you
By your prideful woe
So better to drown
Than name your name
Than see the last face
And be beholden unto her
Unto Lady Death’s kiss
Eyes like ice and lips apart
As fire
Fall! Perish! Burn away!
Let but no trace be left
No ash to betray you
Lest light incarnate arise
And weep over your wickedness
But not for your fate
I pity you Pandora
Rouged tart of anger
Whore to wild beasts
You suffer
I suffer
All suffer
By the tears of pity
I greet the dawn
Sweetest Eos of the dew!
Your fair kisses are
But silver to my lips
Wine to my cup
And tears to mine own eyes
I deprecate nothing
And in you I am
So that by fair
Tortured whores die
And freedom loves me
If only now

christmas list....?

Sat, 15 Oct 2005 07:34:24 GMT

okay, so to carry on the idea of havilah's entry, i've decided to mention that overrated/over thought of holiday. what do you all want for christmas? i know what some of you do, but what about the rest of you?

as for me, well...i don't really know. i think most of you could make an educated guess. cds would be nice, tea, value villiage stuff, books, money? i'm not sure...or picky...or even remotely selective. hell, anything would be nice!

???

oh and i'm going to post some random glassjaw lyrics, because once again, i'm enthralled by them.

Fradulant miracles make miracles seem shit
The rice paper princess
Gets two for her flinches

(Fuck You)

In the midst of the perfection
Rain on the parade
Made this crowning day
The horns on the hood of the saint

(Fuck You)

"Never the two shall meet"
Said the tiger to it's greatest fan
"The amount of love you wish to give is more than I can stand"

"Now you leave me in defeat
Leave me a battered broken man
The amount of love you wish to give is more than I can stand"

Now I have you where I want you
I know that you are listening
This is my chance to tell you everything

(Fuck You)

My chance to tell you I love you
But I've waited too long
And now the record's over
Now the record's over

(Fuck You Again)

cheers

i can't think of a good title for this one, sorry

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 05:47:35 GMT

so...today was pretty nice i guess. actually, for most of the begining it was really hard to connect with people. i don't know, maybe there was a wall or something? it was weird, but i suppose everyone was under the weather today.

however, things got steadily better towards the day's end. biology was simple, and i just talked to emily. and then sixth period i had to makeup a fitness test i missed. by the time i was done, my class was going for some sort of health walk. so my teacher just gave me a pass, and i wandered around the school, and ran into people. in fact, i even managed to run into my old SOAR mentor from last year; it was nice seeing her, its been a while and all...then i ran into tony, which was pleasent, and talked to him for a while. the period was over soon after, and then i happened to run into keith on my way out, so that by the time my mom picked me up, i was much happier than i had been towards the days begining.

anyway, i'm just rambling now. perhaps because i woke up a few minutes ago from a four hour nap? i don't know...

oh, and a note to my trusted confidant and associate: several of your items are going to be retrieved via mail. one large and two small. i have yet to send away, but its coming. by month's end, my investments will be safe in your hands.

and that's about it.