if you feel like dying, you might wanna sing.

JUST SURRENDER x TELL ME EVERYTHING

2008-09-24T17:34:31Z

lyrics about feeling sick to your stomach
at the thought of making him upset?
i just want this to work with us.

tell me everything will be alright
close your eyes and dream of me tonight
tell me that you won't just fade away
cross my heart and hope to die tonight
i'll dream my pain away...

____inhibition @ 2008-06-14T15:40:00

2008-06-14T19:42:01Z

i'm gonna raise my voice like thunder
and leave the world in wonder of the change
the change inside of me

i am so unbelievably happy: school is over and it went well; summer is just beginning; i love my job and the people i work with; my friends are amazing; the beach is so close; i have a fantastic new boyfriend; i simply just cannot stop smiling; && i am glad to finally be here. ♥

____inhibition @ 2008-03-30T22:19:00

2008-03-31T02:18:12Z

my best friends and i got into a car accident last night

the car is wrecked but everyone is alright

i should be grateful to even be alive

because this is the stuff tragedies are made of

instead all i can focus on is this:

jeffyboy112: i never heard you were in the car

____inhibition @ 2008-02-25T14:14:00

2008-02-25T19:15:22Z

i need...
i just want...

... a way to finally finish these sentences =/
i don't know what i'm looking for, or why it's so hard to find,
but i'm getting tired of waiting.

ramblings.

2008-01-29T05:44:24Z

sometimes i lie awake at night and wonder what the hell happened to all of us. when did we start becoming those people we hated? when did we all turn rotten? when did kisses become meaningless? when did the truth become so hard to find? i know i have not been a good person for most of my concious life, but i do believe that in recent years i have undergone such a transformation that it currently baffles me as to how someone could be so horrible to another person. how could you kill someone? betray them? hurt them? lie to them? when did we all start living our lives this way? i'm sick of petty drama that doesn't matter and wouldn't have even happened if people would just be honest. when did telling the truth become this whole complicated ordeal? we shouldn't have to feel as if lying is easier than being honest, especially when it comes to the ones we love.

i feel as if love is something that is strangely devoid in my daily routine. the month i spent back home with friends from high school was easily the greatest time of my life. being suddenly so far apart from them again is nearly heartbreaking. i walk through my day with this constant weight on my heart, a weight caused by something absent, missing, lost from a life with a new beginning. my soul aches for just someone, anyone, to connect to. a lover, a friend, a stranger even. i wish for someone to understand me, to listen to my words, to care for me, to love me. it's a horrible feeling, loneliness. the world is quiet and grey. true happiness feels like a distant landscape, while discontent has not yet fully settled in its place. the circumstances which keep me chained here follow me like a shadow, a dark and constant reminder of the desired, the unattainable: home.

____inhibition @ 2007-12-29T14:46:00

2007-12-29T19:46:56Z

i love how all of my entries are about different people.
i'm planning on posting a gossip girl-style one soon,
but i'm far too tired to think about it now.

____inhibition @ 2007-12-29T14:28:00

2007-12-29T19:28:58Z

he'd probably shit himself if he knew i still wanted him.

____inhibition @ 2007-12-19T18:38:00

2007-12-19T22:38:44Z

from the moment the lights went off
everything had changed
lie awake in an empty room
in my head it all feels the same

like the taste of the day you left
that still lingers on my breath
and the dampness of tears that left
a stain where you had wept

three more days until i see your face
i'm afraid it's far too much
if i took you for granted
i apologize for acting tough

why do you do this to me?
you penetrate right through me
every time i wind up
back at your door

now every evening is a bitter fight
and i'm eating home alone on a friday night
i know what your friends say
"you're just wasting your love and time"

i will never let you change your mind
no need to cry about it
i cannot live without it
every time i wind up back at your door

____inhibition @ 2007-12-13T20:43:00

2007-12-14T01:46:27Z

To curl fetal there, and briefly marvel, as a final wave crashes over her,
at the perfect and now perfectly revealed extent of her present loneliness.

i'm tired of being at the bottom of everyone's lists.
it's my birthday tomorrow and i don't even care.
i simply and desperately want to matter to someone.

____inhibition @ 2007-11-23T03:06:00

2007-11-23T08:21:17Z

even though it is three o'clock in the morning so it technically isn't thanksgiving anymore, i still think it's only right for another update filled with reflection and teenage pseudo-wisdom. so much has changed in the past year. on thanksgiving day in 2006, my grandmother was still healthy, my grandfather was so angry with everyone that he wouldn't even come to dinner, and i was very excited about hanging out with my new friends chris and vinny. this night was the first of many, sneaking around town, drinking 40s, and staying up way too late. so much has changed since that night. i didn't yet know so many of the people that havce taught me much about myself since then.

i still think about one of those people often. probably too much for someone who is now just a boy i used to know. i'll never forget how i turned from him because i was scared and ran back to my "safer" option. i'll never know what i missed because i was afraid. that fact still haunts me to this day. what would we have been together? maybe something great. maybe something good. or maybe something that started out great and ended in catastrophe. i still hold the tiny hope that i may one day find out but all my logic keeps that wish buried deep down inside, whispering almost silently under many other thoughts. it is there, but i try not to acknowledge it. i don't tell people i still think of him, wonder what he's up to, who he's dating, how his family is doing. i don't want people to know i'm still stuck on him. but that's my main problem really: letting go. maybe it's because i never really had anything to let go of. i'll always think of him from time to time i suppose. only time will tell if i ever forget him...

i have many things in my life to be thankful for that keep me moving forward. i'm grateful that my grandmother is doing better, that my grandfather has slowed down his drinking, that my aunts and uncles are still doing well, that my cousins are all happy and as well-adjusted as people of our generation can be expected to be. my friends are numerous, i laugh often, the problems i have faced in the past two years seem to be subsiding, and i'm loving freshman year so far. college is a completely different world and i am so grateful that i have a chance to experience a new place in the world, experiment with independence, and meet extraordinary new people. this last year has been full of more than enough ups and downs, but somehow things ended up alright. at times i wasn't quite sure i would survive, or that everything would be okay. if i've learned one thing lately, it's that everything will come to an end. and in that ending, everything will turn out okay. and if it's not okay, then it's simply not the end.

happy thanksgiving everyone♥
count your blessings~

____inhibition @ 2007-11-01T21:34:00

2007-11-02T01:36:02Z

We were over ages ago.
I was over you ages ago.
The last time I talked to you was ages ago.
I don't even like you as a person anymore.
But in my darkest moments,
One thought always comes up:
I miss you.

____inhibition @ 2007-11-01T20:50:00

2007-11-02T00:51:39Z

i woke up and realized that i still love you.
and i'm not quite sure what to do about that.

____inhibition @ 2007-09-25T00:34:00

2007-09-25T04:37:39Z

"i'm sure there'll be a xanga entry about it."

the other day a college friend described me by saying: "she's confident. she knows who she is and she doesn't care what you have to say about it." my first reaction to this was that she doesn't know me as well as she thinks she does. but the more i thought about it, the more i realized that i have changed recently. i'm okay with who i am. i know i have flaws and i've made mistakes but imperfection is beauty. if the world was meant to be perfect it wouldn't spin on a tilted axis. i know who i am and what i'm doing here, and i'm not going to let anything or anyone drag me down. so if you do like me, sit on it, cause i probably don't like you either.

____inhibition @ 2007-08-19T18:58:00

2007-08-19T22:59:13Z

sjocz: hahaha
sjocz: i have a video of u on my phone
xx neonstars: omggggg
sjocz: of u saying the alphabet
xx neonstars: whatttt
sjocz: yeah
sjocz: i took it
sjocz: in ur kitchen
xx neonstars: whyyyy
sjocz: its sooo funny
xx neonstars: omg i so do not remember that
sjocz: lol
sjocz: i know
sjocz: how ya feelikng
xx neonstars: im fine
sjocz: feeling
sjocz: thats good
xx neonstars: why the fuck was i singing the alphabet
sjocz: u forgot about 'h' by the way
sjocz: um im not sure.. lol, we asked u to
sjocz: u wer SOOOOOO funny last night OMGGG
xx neonstars: hahaha
sjocz: totally and completely out of it
sjocz: omg..
sjocz: this is funny
sjocz: listen
xx neonstars: k
sjocz: u were like, micelle arent u allergic to cats?
sjocz: shes like.. noo why
xx neonstars: michelle my cousin?
sjocz: and ur like, oh i was just wondering how many cats you had. bc if u hav alot u cant sleep to much and if u dont have any, u can just go to sleep whenever
sjocz: haha yeah
sjocz: and we're like.. WHATT
sjocz: and ur like.. um, nevermind. its just something ive been thinking
xx neonstars: omg stfu
sjocz: hahaha yeahh
sjocz: it was so funny
sjocz: omgg
sjocz: i'll show u the video later
xx neonstars: omgg i def hav to see this
xx neonstars: i forgot h?
sjocz: yeah lol
sjocz: yeah
sjocz: bc
sjocz: wait
sjocz: actually u forgot alot
sjocz: bc u startd.. then u laughed, and i waas like.. what about h? and u kept going but u didnt remember where u were.. so all of a sudden u were at Q
sjocz: and i was like.. so what did u do tonight
sjocz: and ur like.. PARTIED..WAIT, WHAT?
sjocz: lol
xx neonstars: hahahaha
xx neonstars: omgg
sjocz: yeahh
sjocz: lol
xx neonstars: omg i love me
sjocz: lol
sjocz: yeahh
sjocz: u were hilarious
sjocz: and u throw good parties =]
sjocz: dam u were funny
sjocz: everyone was like... what is she talking about
xx neonstars: i wish i couldve seen it
sjocz: lol
xx neonstars: haha
sjocz: i'll brb.. dinner time
xx neonstars: kk
sjocz is away at 6:10:31 PM.

____inhibition @ 2007-08-16T13:41:00

2007-08-16T17:42:40Z

if i said i was heartsick,
would that make sense?

____inhibition @ 2007-08-12T20:00:00

2007-08-13T00:02:46Z

i had the most amazing night of my life last night in the hamptons with kristin and valerie and now that i am back home i just want to run and scream or kick something or i don't even know but it's amazing how much one night can affect your complacency with the things around you.

____inhibition @ 2007-08-07T00:14:00

2007-08-07T04:25:50Z

lately i have been thinking a lot about love and relationships, and all the different complications they cause between lovers, friends, and sometimes even strangers. i think that as teenagers, we fool around a lot with love. we hold the most superficial aspects of it to the highest esteem and have very limited knowledge of what a true, deep, and meaningful relationship truly entails. after many nights spent pondering this, i have reached a conclusion. in everyone's life, during their first few relationships, there is one significant other whom you will truly love and most undoubtedly also lose forever. this is the defining relationship of your life, which forms the basis of your knowledge of love. why do i say you will most certainly lose this person? because as teenagers, with our only basic knowledge of love, we often do not recognize true love when we find it, but rather continue to search for something deeper and more meaningful. therefore, the epiphany of what you sincerely had comes only after a series of mistakes, minor or monumental, and the end of that defining relationship. after this true love leaves you, you may find more lesser loves, but none will compare to what you had before. this is the way in which we learn about love and its fragility, and to treat our loved ones as precious treasure never to be discarded. i do not know if i am making sense anymore, since it is a bit after midnight and my brain is exhausted, but the point of this dissertation is that you must love and lose to know what love truly is. everyone holds that one person deep in their heart, the one who taught you how powerful love is and how easy it is to lose. what is most difficult is letting go of that person but still never forgetting the lessons they taught you as you carry those teachings into a brighter, more promising future of untold opportunity. the ones you have loved leave lasting impressions on your heart, which you carry with you throughout your life, never forgetting the astounding impact they had upon your life.

____inhibition @ 2007-06-29T16:24:00

2007-06-29T20:26:57Z

yesterday morning i had a massive panic attack.
one of the worst ones i've ever experienced.
i couldn't stop shaking or crying, even after i showered.
it was scary to be back there again.

but i got to work at 9:45am anyway,
and made it through the day.

i'm proud of myself,
but i just wish someone else was too.

____inhibition @ 2007-06-27T11:58:00

2007-06-27T16:00:40Z

God that was strange to see you again
Introduced by a friend of a friend
Smiled and said "Yes, I think we've met before"
In that instant it started to pour,
Captured a taxi despite all the rain
We drove in silence across Pont Champlain
And all of the time you thought I was sad
I was trying to remember your name.

There's one thing I want to say, so I'll be brave
You were what I wanted, I gave what I gave
I'm not sorry I met you
I'm not sorry it's over
I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

____inhibition @ 2007-06-13T13:06:00

2007-06-13T17:07:21Z

5/29: Spring Break '98
6/06: Emily's Birthday
6/08: Carey Prom
6/09: Maryland
6/12: Last Day of High School/Vargas's Party
6/15: Mike's Birthday/Bobby's Grad Party
6/18: Grace's Birthday
6/21: PROM.
6/22: Splish Splash
6/24: Graduation/Christine's Grad Party
6/29: Vinny's Grad Party
6/30: Brian's Grad Party
7/01: Erica's Grad Party
7/05: St. Rose Orientation

SUMMER '07 babyyyyy

____inhibition @ 2007-05-21T15:29:00

2007-05-21T19:36:24Z

lately i've been having trouble speaking. not just speaking my mind, or saying something that's difficult to say, just speaking in general. it's very weird. i just seem to like living in silence. i still talk to people online and send text messages and emails, but speaking outloud in a conversation or on the phone just feels strained. it exhausts me. i feel like everyone is slipping away from me slowly and i can't seem to grasp onto anything anymore. music is my savior. i can listen to music for hours and not talk to anyone and sit and just be. it's relaxing.

in other news, i do believe i am going to graduate, according to my latest meeting with the principal. i have, however, only been to school two days this month, since i stopped taking my medicine. most people i know don't think that was a wise decision but they don't know what it's like to be eighteen years old and rely on medication to live your life. i want to be independent, but it's going to take a while. i feel blessed that i am still graduating and will not have to put my educational career on hold while i sort things out in a psychological sense.

«C'est tellement mystérieux, le pays des larmes.»

____inhibition @ 2007-05-18T14:29:00

2007-05-18T18:31:14Z

ALLISTER LYRICS

"Waiting For You"

If I could tell you one thing
Then I'd tell you everything
I'd probably say that you've been on my mind
Since we held hands out in the rain
Smoking cigarettes to play
Off all the butterflies I had inside

And now I think that you should know
That you've got everything
That I've wanted for so damn long
And that I wouldn't hesitate to trade away everything
If you tell me that I'm not wrong
So now I think that you should know
That I've been waiting for you (whoa)
Yea, I've been waiting for you (whoa)
Yea, I've been waiting for you (whoa)
Yea, I've been waiting for you (whoa)
Yea, I've been waiting for you

If I could tell you one thing
Then I'd tell you everything
I'd probably say that you've been on my mind
Since we sat underneath the stars
as I held you in my arms
Killing just another summer night

And now I think that you should know
That you've got everything
That I've wanted for so damn long
And that I wouldn't hesitate to trade away everything
If you tell me that I'm not wrong
So now I think that you should know
That I've been waiting for you (whoa)
Yea, I've been waiting for you (whoa)
Yea, I've been waiting for you (whoa)
Yea, I've been waiting for you (whoa)
Yea, I've been waiting for you

It's funny how the best things happen sometimes
And how I'll always remember those endless nights
But don't forget I regret the fact that I have to leave you
Right as the best part starts
So I thought I'd take the time to say
That I've been waiting for you

<3<3<3

____inhibition @ 2007-05-13T23:36:00

2007-05-14T03:39:02Z

anonymous comments make me laugh :]
i really like my friends a lot lately.
they make me laugh too.

somebody let me down today.
i dont really know what to do about it,
because i never expected it from them.
it's confusing, obviously.
i guess i'll just sit on it for a few days,
and see where that takes me.

back to school tomorrow, i'm so nervous.

____inhibition @ 2007-05-12T19:53:00

2007-05-12T23:55:37Z

things are falling apart around me.
i failed at everything.
i can't help the way i am,
and i feel sorry that this happened.
i regret it all and wish i could change things,
but i'm me and there's no way around that.
I'M SORRY.

____inhibition @ 2007-05-02T15:37:00

2007-05-02T19:37:54Z

the closer i get to feeling,
the further that i'm feeling from alright.