i am on vacation from school now. it's hard, trying to find things to do to fill my time. i've been sleeping late and reading novels now that i have the time. i'm nearly finished with a tree grows in brooklyn; it's beautifully written and the story, in all of it's sadness, has a way of making me happy.
things have passed somewhat uneventfully since jeff and i broke up. i cried for a week straight and thought of nothing but him; i missed him fiercely and everything i saw reminded me of him. now, 3 weeks past, i'm not thinking of him as much. i'm trying to hold the memory of our time together in a safe room at the back of my mind, and not color it with evil thoughts. it would be so easy to declare him a horrible person, to blame him for everything and let hatred ease the pain of missing...but i can't let that happen. he was a good man, one of the nicest i've known in a long time, and he did his best to make me happy. some times, people just don't work together. it's no one's fault either way, and you grow stronger having known them.
maybe this is what they call "growing up". being able to look at such a sad event with an even practicality and find the benefit without pointing fingers or blaming.
still, i miss him, and i think i will for a while until it's been a month or two since i've seen him last and i don't remember all the time what it felt like to sleep next to him. it is said that time heals all wounds, but i don't even feel wounded, just slightly empty. things just happen that way, and you find a way to deal with it. he will be happy and i will be happy and everything will go on as if we'd never met in the first place.
i've been trying to fill my life with beauty to distract myself from all the ugly things in the world. i'm listening to good music, and reading good novels, and keeping company with new and interesting people who make me think about myself and attack the dark clouds in my head with a calculated vengeance. there is one who i met recently and who made me believe that sometimes, good things happen to people who need it to happen the most. i'm not expecting anything or trying to make something happen, but i am enjoying, and i am living. that is all i can ask for.
things have passed somewhat uneventfully since jeff and i broke up. i cried for a week straight and thought of nothing but him; i missed him fiercely and everything i saw reminded me of him. now, 3 weeks past, i'm not thinking of him as much. i'm trying to hold the memory of our time together in a safe room at the back of my mind, and not color it with evil thoughts. it would be so easy to declare him a horrible person, to blame him for everything and let hatred ease the pain of missing...but i can't let that happen. he was a good man, one of the nicest i've known in a long time, and he did his best to make me happy. some times, people just don't work together. it's no one's fault either way, and you grow stronger having known them.
maybe this is what they call "growing up". being able to look at such a sad event with an even practicality and find the benefit without pointing fingers or blaming.
still, i miss him, and i think i will for a while until it's been a month or two since i've seen him last and i don't remember all the time what it felt like to sleep next to him. it is said that time heals all wounds, but i don't even feel wounded, just slightly empty. things just happen that way, and you find a way to deal with it. he will be happy and i will be happy and everything will go on as if we'd never met in the first place.
i've been trying to fill my life with beauty to distract myself from all the ugly things in the world. i'm listening to good music, and reading good novels, and keeping company with new and interesting people who make me think about myself and attack the dark clouds in my head with a calculated vengeance. there is one who i met recently and who made me believe that sometimes, good things happen to people who need it to happen the most. i'm not expecting anything or trying to make something happen, but i am enjoying, and i am living. that is all i can ask for.
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