∞

All the things you're not supposed to do feel great when you're doing them. Smoking, drinking, sleeping with girls who aren't your girlfriend; all these things and more.


Am I demon?

Went to europe, drank, threw up, smoked a lot, talked to girls, didn't sleep with any, didn't kiss any, climbed a stadium, smoked some more, at sushi, drank neat vodka, drank wine at a holocaust memorial, went shopping, spoke french, asked a girl if she was a lesbian, told a girl she was beautiful, Jeux d'enfants, argued, drank, hid in train toilets, tried shrooms, smoked a lot of weed, came back, hung out with french people, got a girlfriend (english), got a level results (unimpressive, but sufficient) and now I'm here.

( This is me in europeCollapse )


I look like the kind of prick who'd see no shame in doing a media degree, which is the kind of prick I am. Checking out a house in...brick...lane this saturday

Nothing to do for the next couple of weeks, I need some sort of way to make money before I go away. I also need to quit my job.

Police came to my door, ask me if I touched her.
"How do you mean officer?" I have an honest face. I smile nervously. Bastard barks tactless obscenities, asks me if I "fucked" her. Can you believe it, an officer of the law asking me if I've fucked a girl that age?

 I won't answer him. 

met a girl, went on dates. i just wanted to be pals.
fast forward.
randomly bump into said girl, kiss, go on dates.
she just wants to be friends!


Went to a 'party' last night after work, terrible experience; i drank three shots in succession. felt woozy, spent a lot of time sitting down. talked to a body who was a friend of a friend.

i dont want to be anybody's friend

Slept over at a friend's, lost nearly a whole pack of lucky strikes. £1.68 remains in my account.

I'm not a terrible dresser

Very impressed by Grace's intelligence; she wants to be an astrophysicist, maybe she could settle for being the mother of my children?

I don't know what I'm attracted to more, serpentine-ness or superfun awesomeness.

So tired!

Right there on my tongue

today during work, i wrote the opening to a short story on my arm. i can't even read it any more to write it down and i can't really be bothered to start it again.

unfortunate.

i bought two animal print jumpers (one with a deer, the other with a bunch of ducks) today and a pair of reebok classics.

i feel better about myself than i did when i woke this morning but my month long positive streak has almost completely disipated; im bored an unhappy again. Sigh.
So yeah, i'm talking to, yelling and laughing at myself a lot and getting teary eyed to some cat stevens.

These jumpers might make me happier in the long run though.

i got into the university i wanted to get into. practically unconditionally, it's a bit of a long story though.

woop

Hi.

I went out on Satuday night and it was insane.  It was insane how confident I was and how well I composed myself, actually convincing others that I was good company. It was something special.
Not much in my life has changed, I almost suffocated that Saturday night though and I called several girls by the wrong name, it would seem that a lot of girls these days are going for the Madonna/Desperately seeking susan look and are buying the same dresses and false eye lashes. This is bad for me cause I cannot see in the dark and am not good with names, not at all.

"Hey remember me??"
"yeah, mary right?"
I thought we had met several months ago at a similar occasion, I was wrong.
"Rosie!"
"oh, HEY!"

Her, I and someone else had been chewing the fat about something for about fifteen minutes about ten or twenty minutes earlier. I'm a charmer, really. See, it was a familiar face, an attractive face but familiar in that far off "have we met before?" sense.

I'd like to see her again

I'm rambling, it was a good night.

Walking home I realised my bag was torn open. It was a new bag from work, very vintage, it had some quirky shit written on it too. I had to miss work as I fell asleep on too many busses

Lord.

I made my first out loud marriage proposal, it was a joke obviously, but I'm getting in some practise, gonna work on the cadence of my voice and the elaborateness of my speech.

Um.

I'm going to try to make as much direct eye contact as possible this year, wish me luck!

There's a hole in my jeans. I am tired now.

Night xxx
ps.

I'm still smoking, more so than when i started, I think i might be addicted? I don't want to stop as smoking goes very well with my new jacket/shirt combo. It's a shame that such a bad habbit has become so closely associated with being bad ass.

All I want to be is bad ass.

This friday I am going to buy the following.

new jeans.
new jacket.

this vest in black

this tank top
this shirt.


yeah.

I have nothing interesting at all to say here. i'l just add that the vest and the jeans are for the christmas party at work, the theme is gangsters.  i am afraid of looking like a chump.

goodnight.

went out by myself last night, stayed out till four or so.

a  stranger smiled at me, so i smiled back and waved! we spoke for ages and i missed my bus several times. i wouldnt say ive been down recently but something about being out completely by myself bar this one person who was refreshingly human and interested in the very little i had to say... it cleared my head i think.

i have a job interview tomorrow. gonna go buy a new shirt for it.

Yesterday three people told me I look older than I am, it must be this killer moustache.

duckkkkkkkkkkkiiiiieeee

Purse your lips and pump your hips
and purse your lips and pump your hips
I can't begin to understand...
God damn. God damn. God damn.
I start sweating about the time your hand hits my back
I can't begin to understand

I ever tell you how much I love girls???
feel like im in a porky's movie

I'm thinking about the next month or so and all I can think of is that there'll be far too much interaction. I love meeting new people, but I get tired of people easily, not in an arrogant better than other people way, I just exhaust everything I have to say.

Like a condom.

"Do this, do this, do this, do this."

...don't like being told what I think. I'd prefer to go through the majority of my adolescence doing things on impulse not thinking about what said impulses may say about me, my sexual orientation or my opinion on some thing or the other.

I started smoking because I can. (how angstsy does that bullshit sound?)
I "cheated"* on my "girlfriend"* because I don't like her and because I could.
I know how many people die a year from ____________

*Are these even real words any more, do people take them seriously?

"Do you know she's ________?
- But did you hear about _________?
-But what about _____________?"

Essentially, I want to be face value. I have a lifetime ahead of me, permit me a year or so of not thinking.
What the fuck is gravitas?

Everything in my life is reaching disturbing levels of typicality.

Last Friday in a nut shell:

I met the most amazing person ever but did not get any contact details of any sort! Noooooo

So, I'm only a man, and barely that. The following things are the bane of my existence and at the same time all that i live for.

Bookish looking girls with glasses, a quirky dress sense and strange, yet surprisingly tasteful piercings.


Hot Pants. Don't even get me fucking started. Thank you american apparel for making wealthy hipsterettes look doable in spite of..well everything.

Parties. Walking around with my eyes closed and my hands out in front of my face hoping to find someone or something that will make hearing the same klaxons/justice/pendulum song over and over a less arduous task to endure.

Sigh. I could marry that girl. Fucking kill me

So i deleted livejournal cause i had nothing really to talk about.

But yesterday I had never been so completely pissed off in my life, so i figured, i'd reactivate my account to make one of those ambiguously angry entries.

anyway, long and short of it is, Im going out with this girl and we made plans for the weekend, she would come out to the pub with my friends and i and then come over to mine afterwards, pretty simple and straight forward stuff right.

Anyway, through the course of the night she ends up bringing a large group of her girlfriends along with her, which isnt so much a problem, just that my friends and i are really quiet.

Anyway, whatever, she keeps changing her mind about things and never giving me a straight answer about anything, so im left feeling like i'm having a go at her for something trivial when its just her having this complete refusal to be straight forward with anyone about anything

Cut to 4.30 in the morning and i'm walking home to the night bus by myself feeling like a fucking idiot.
I'm more tired, cranky and just generally frustrated than i can honestly ever remember being.

Fucking people!

Bro!
these headphones are sick, they are only £10 but everything is awesome in them.

yeaaah wassup wassup, no body b talking no more?????????????????????????????????????
two dates tomorrow??? lord please yes.

Getting my stuff back on saturday, i owe the bannk £83.

im juggling chicks like crazy :(

YEAAAAAAHH

im not getting my jacket back am i?

So you know, went out partying you know.
slept at some strangers house above a brothel; some girl has my jacket but I have hers.
took a nap in a park.
uhhhhhhhh
girl who has my jacket is nice though

this is my new hair


excuse me now while i fret about text messages not being replied to and the prospect of never getting my jacket back or seeing this chick naked. NOOOOOOOOOO

My head hurts so much. I have a lot of hair on account of me not having it cut for around a year, so i decided it would be best to get my hair dreaded so I wouldnt ever have to take car of it again, like seriously I don't even have to use shampoo for the next month or so. but shit my head hurts. Each lock is freaking hard on account of all the wax so it hurts to sleep and it'll be like that for weeks.

Weak. Im dreading going back to college though, every prick and their cousin loved touching my head so damn much and before it was just a mild annoyance, now it'll be painful.

I need a hat.

xxx

Hello!

Jack, seth and I wrote a song today.

http://www.myspace.com/quellux

"if you didn't come to party, don't bother knocking on my door"

Truer words have never been said.

I've been ill for about two or three weeks, this weekend I was supposed to hook up with a friend but she was busy packing for this weak italian exchange thing she's doing over easter, so I had a £15 (i am soooo cheap) burning a hole in my pocket with which I bought some awful games.

That's all.

Am I a bad person or just a red blooded male?

I'm only young!

I am going to fucking party. What a fucking shitty week, boring boring stuff.

Cinema with Ruuuthhh went well I think, sat down on the train and thought for ages and,at the risk of sounding gay I really like spending time with her, its a great depature from spending all my time with dickheads from college. I mena, there are awkward silences but I want to fill them not read a book or put some head phones in.

Watched this really awesome film called If? in film studies, malcom macdowell was very handsome in '68.

um um um, im going to bed now livejournal

The littlest things can often leave me feeling really unhappy and apprehensive and cause me to run all these little worst case scenarios through my mind. Even now I'm still doing it, but I think that I should just take some things a lot less seriously and allow situations and problems to unfold and solve themselves.

I'll try that and see how it goes.

At the moment I'm trying to teach myself the keyboard, it's pretty hard. I'm using a midi controller Seth lent me and there's not a lot of room for my hands which are a bit big and clunky. I learned the chorus of that song "man eater" by hall and oates.

Another date with Ruthhhh tomorrow. I hope that goes well!.


WOOOOAHH HERE SHE COMES

im having like the best and most eventful year of my life and it is only february

http://www.dirtydirtydancing.com

Yeah, went well, good times, hot coffee, warm bodies. A+ date, would do again.

SUPER SELLER

DATE! tomorrow, it could go so well!

status report later.

last FH show next week, day after chromeo. THIS IS RELEASE DEEZ EEZ FREEDOM

There are 14 year old girls taller than me, I should kill myself.

Good weekend, went out to the Old Blue Last on Friday, danced like it weren't no thang, saw a few semi celebs (kele, peaches geldoff lol and donnie from big bruva) and also corey and jamie were there, they are cool guys.

I am going to make myself taller over the next seven weeks.

NOW IS THE TIME FOR ME TO RISE TO MY FEEET

As usual, it's some ungodly hour in the morning, there's an after-taste of coffee in my mouth and I have written 326 words of a 1300 word essay.
I am very tired.

I'm trying my best to make a good second impression, no need to be such a fucking dick.

So I'm talking to this girl and she's giving me the hardest fucking time ever.

WASSSUYYOOOPPPP

New years was fucking amazing. Not much else i can say beyond that. Went to a rave, rave got shut down, got drunk, spoke to and met MASSES of people, insulted some poor girl  for no reason, went to Catford, partied, sobered up and left.

Better than it sounds, I assure you.

Come back to college, fucking bored with everyone and their bullshit lives, what a bunch of fucking losers.

So erm yeah, 2006 was pretty okay I guess. In my head I get years really mixed up so things I did in 2004 feel like I did them yesterday and things i did about two weeks ago are a distant memory, so I'll do one of those survey things cause I know you're all fucking dying to know how my year was...actually those things are fucking long.

NYE party tomorow at some place I don't even know should be incredible. havw a good one guys.

+

playing with rolo tomasi and score one for safety in February

xx

went to a friend's 18th birthday party the other day, was pretty fucking hyphy man. Pumpin tunes, pleant of drink and what not. Good times were had all round and then we came home, slept and later on in the day i went christmas shopping with my bro danielle

Talked to some girl last night man, think she gave me a fake email address.

HOHUM

In light of recent events I have made a to do list of sorts.

To do list

• Work on being a dick.
• Get laid.

Any girls wanna stand still while I smack them about a bit?

But seriously though, what the fuck is wrong with people?

Fucking bored man!

I have a friend at college called Matt Bird, he's very cool and funny. He hardly attendeds though because hes a lot like me and quite lazy and junk; this is his graphics work and it made me laff

The robocop kraus are so good!

dance/pop/punk with cute foreign accents

I like to be around people a lot sometimes and I hate making people feel uncomfortable but Im being driven crazy by the fact that I cannot read people very well at all and lack the confidence to be unapologetic in any of my actions, whether involuntary or not.

I had a good weekend, played at the pioneer in St. Albans, was pretty ridiculous. A band called my passion head lined over us, they were nice enough guys, but they confirm every hang up people have about bands that place image far too highly on their agenda (costume change and stylist, its all Im saying) and how much this affects the reception they get.

We got people leaving after the third song, they got people reaching out for their hands, I got horrid looks from distressed 14 year olds.

The night before that some friends from college + i, jack and seth went to see foals @ the scala. Was a weird night, one of seth's friends fucked us around with some gig details which lead to us wasting half the night walking around Hoxton/Old street. And also Danielle and Katy left halfway through the night because of boyfriend/girlfriend bullshit they had to deal with elsewhere, which for some reason really fucking bothered me.

rented Kids from the library and borrowed some nice looking french film off jack, have to sleep downstairs this week, will try to watch them at night. Also have media coursework to finish.

Really cute girl in college from Andy's english class is really cute. I will die from it.

I aim to buy this bag

Everyone sucks!
People in my house yelling across the house to talk to each other.
Headaches.

Morons in film being the most boring people devoid of any personality what so ever and babbling on about their past lives and their drinking habits expecting me to be impressed.

Friends with piercing eyes making me nervous as hell.

Headaches!

Stupid girls who look like they could be my twin sister not leaving me alone.

And I don't think I can say "yeah" without sounding sarcastic and condescending!


Mind you I have made nice friends in Danielle and Matt Bird and Andy.

Siiigggghhhhh

people are fucking crazy.

went out with this girl the other day, just out of curtesy or whatever really. I wish she'd leave me alone now.

Gee.

Saw X men three for filmstudies today, then after that hit the tate with Matt and Jemima.

Was an alright time. Can't say Im too much into the tate though, not that i spent a good amunt of time there (literaly lookeds at half a painting) but a lot ofpeople seem like they just go to shark and take photos!

its like a club.


Some hot girls though, jeee

lost £20 today.

mum is away for a few days and i'm lying on her floor using the pc on the carpet cause some cable is broken.


Met a cool guy in school the other day, we have similar quirks i guess and almost exact taste in music,

i am seeing the mystery jets in a few weeks and going on a trip to new york in march


everyone @ college is still a moron though, bar a few people. Like Julian, this tall talkatakitve gay guy in my politics class, i spoke to him once when i had a break thinking he#'d be this big bundle of laffs and all i'd have to do was nod. Turns out he was homeschooled for four years, is on anti depressents and his grandmother died that morning.

gotta admire a guy who can still mince and smile after all that...chriiist

Too many fucking morons, far too many. I'm not even being elitist or anti social here, it's like being 12 when everyone wore Korn hoodies and those poitnless metal chain things and smoked all the time and set things alight for no reason and randomly swore for no reason and flirted with girls by pulling their tops down and Oh my God I can't bare being around so many morons.

And people who say gross things about girls behind their backs, its gross!

I miss Seth.

Man, the Lost finale was pointless.

I'm an fucking hero!